# How would you commit the perfect murder? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2011, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590 "2011-11-11T12:57:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/21 "2011-11-11T17:49:01Z")
Killing a random stranger and getting away with it would be pretty easy. Sure, go ahead and do stuff like burn your clothes and throw away the murder weapon, but that’s just insurance because there are no leads for the cops to trace back to you. This is the reason serial killers can kill over and over and over again. In most murders there isn’t much of an investigation, because either the perpetrator is obvious, or there aren’t any leads. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/22 "2011-11-11T17:55:57Z")
Thanks to all the Breaking Bad I’ve watched, I know that Ricin is an effective poison that, unless it is looked for, will probably go undetected. It will basically make it look like the victim had a heart attack. Of course, if the victim is an otherwise healthy person, and the autopsy shows there was no underlying cardiac condition, they might start to investigate further… So in that case we bring out our old friend, hydrofluoric acid. Get a nice HDPE hazmat suit with appropriate chemical respirator, a big HDPE barrel, and a butt load of hydrofluoric acid. Put victim in barrel, put acid in barrel, let stew for a couple days…even if it gets found, it will be nearly impossible to even identify the victim, let alone what little trace forensic evidence you might have left. The biggest problem is buying the mass quantities of acid and not getting found out through that…best get a good cover as either a high school chemistry teacher, or owner of a chicken franchise that itself is owned by a large, German industrial company that itself is just a shell/front. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/23 "2011-11-11T18:01:36Z")
Whatever happened to good old blowing up the victim’s boat? ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/24 "2011-11-11T18:09:54Z")
I decided several years ago that the most effective way to commit murder was to get Jack Bauer really pissed off at someone. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/25 "2011-11-11T18:13:26Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > I decided several years ago that the most effective way to commit murder was to get Jack Bauer really pissed off at someone. That’s a perfect _suicide_. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/26 "2011-11-11T19:04:26Z")
Get two tickets to a cruise, next-door cabins. Send one of them to your victim, and the other to Jessica Fletcher. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/27 "2011-11-11T19:23:24Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > That’s a perfect _suicide_. I’m not seeing how. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/28 "2011-11-11T19:33:32Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > I’m not seeing how. Getting Jack Bauer pissed off? ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/29 "2011-11-11T19:34:35Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Getting Jack Bauer pissed off? At someone else. How would that be suicide? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/30 "2011-11-11T19:44:37Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > At someone else. How would that be suicide? How do you know he isn’t going to get pissed off at you instead? The guy’s a loose cannon! ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/31 "2011-11-11T19:48:42Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > How do you know he isn’t going to get pissed off at you instead? The guy’s a loose cannon! I see, yes. ---
**Author:** ![Candyman74](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/32 "2011-11-11T19:58:20Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > The crime author [PD James](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._D._James) was once asked how to commit the perfect murder and she suggested you take the victim for a long coastal walk somewhere remote and precarious and then just push them off a cliff. Provided you haven’t been bad mouthing the victim beforehand there will be nothing to suggest anything other than an accident. Problem is, if you want to kill someone you by definition have a motive, even if it’s not obvious. The perfect crime has no motive; it would have to be the senseless random killing of a complete stranger. ---
**Author:** ![Candyman74](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/33 "2011-11-11T20:01:41Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > If you use a weapon, throw the weapon somewhere where it really won’t be found. Forget a lake, throw it in a fast-food restaurant dumpster. It’ll be in a landfill the next day and buried deep down in it before the victim is found. In gangster movies it seems to be the custom to leave the murder weapon with the body. I assume that ensures it can’t be found in your possession after the event, and taking it somewhere to dump it is just another place to be seen. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/34 "2011-11-11T20:05:38Z")
> [@Candyman74](#): > > In gangster movies it seems to be the custom to leave the murder weapon with the body. Especially if there are cannoli involved. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/35 "2011-11-11T20:30:42Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > My wife **tygre** took a Serial Murder class as part of her criminal justice degree, and got an A+. Now she wants to teach one here and her professors might think about that. So I guess she knows her stuff on this. > > In her Serial Murder class she and her class brainstormed on exactly this topic, and the professor–a nationally-known expert in serial murder detection–joined in. Some of the things they came up with were: > > 1. Pick up a victim in one jurisdiction, kill in a second, dump the body in a third. Bonus points for crossing state lines or dumping the body in a place like an Indian reservation where there might be further jurisdictional issues. > > 2. Pre-plan your alibi. Have a solid reason to be in the place you pick up or dump the victim, so if anybody accuses you of being there, it can be explained. > > 3. Try to hide the body somewhere that will mess up forensic techniques before it’s found. Underwater is great–but a cold basement or a refrigerated unit is even better because it messes up estimated time of death. > > 4. Pick victims you have no connection with. Serial murderers don’t always attack prostitutes because they hate women, but because they know the victim won’t be connected to them. > > 5. Burn all your clothing after a murder. If you use a weapon, throw the weapon somewhere where it really won’t be found. Forget a lake, throw it in a fast-food restaurant dumpster. It’ll be in a landfill the next day and buried deep down in it before the victim is found. This is all pretty bad advice. (1) Never take the body with you. You can’t explain a dead body, and there’s always a chance of being seen, getting pulled over, or even simply getting in a car accident. (2) Don’t carry the weapon with you. If you are found with it you are toast. If it were me, I’d start regularly taking walks in my neighborhood late at night, around midnight or so. Find a single, female, elderly neighbor, and figure out how to break into her house. Buy a generic knife, use it to stab her, and then leave it at the scene. Do obvious things like wear gloves, long sleeve pants and shirt, and a hat/something on my head. I shouldn’t leave any DNA or fingerprints, and even if I did, the cops don’t have anything to match them against. I’ve watched a lot of the first 48, and convictions almost always happen because the criminal is retarded. They do one or more of the following: (1) Commit the murder in front of cameras or witnesses (2) Murder someone they know (3) Get caught with some damning evidence. Blood spatter, the weapon, the dude’s wallet, or something that can’t be explained. (4) Leave fingerprints at the crime scene (5) Confess ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/36 "2011-11-11T20:47:00Z")
First, wait 80 years… ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/37 "2011-11-11T21:01:10Z")
I see there is no mention yet in this thread of Edmond Locard, French crime investigator circa 1900-1910 or so, for whom the “Locard Principle” is named: _Every contact leaves a trace._ I think I’ve seen this written as something along the lines of: “Every criminal leaves something behind, and takes something away with him” That could mean blood, hairs, clothing fibers, footprints, mud on your shoes (Sherlock Holmes was famous for mud on the shoes analysis), etc. > **[Edmond Locard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmond_Locard)** > > Dr. Edmond Locard (13 December 1877 – 4 May 1966) was a French criminologist, the pioneer in forensic science who became known as the "Sherlock Holmes of France". He formulated the basic principle of forensic science: "Every contact leaves a trace". This became known as Locard's exchange principle. > Locard was born in Saint-Chamond, France on December 13, 1877, although some records claim he was born in 1872. He studied medicine and law at Lyon, France, eventually becoming the assistant of Alexan... > **[Locard's exchange principle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locard%27s_exchange_principle)** > > In forensic science, Locard's principle holds that the perpetrator of a crime will bring something into the crime scene and leave with something from it, and that both can be used as forensic evidence. Dr. Edmond Locard (1877–1966) was a pioneer in forensic science who became known as the Sherlock Holmes of Lyon, France. He formulated the basic principle of forensic science as: "Every contact leaves a trace". It is generally understood as "with contact between two items, there will be an excha... [http://www.forensic-medecine.info/criminalistics.html](http://www.forensic-medecine.info/criminalistics.html) [http://www.drtomoconnor.com/3220/3210lect01b.htm](http://www.drtomoconnor.com/3220/3210lect01b.htm) (Those two Wikipedia articles are just brief stubs.) Or, to find more, just google for: Every contact leaves a trace Locard ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/38 "2011-11-11T21:11:57Z")
Find a situation where a schizophrenic is in a close proximity to your intended victim on a regular basis. Say, perhaps, a panhandler in the subway station he uses daily to commute to work. Then, as you pass the panhandler, throw a few dog biscuits in his money bowl, in plain view of the small, hungry dog you’re carrying. Then, as the train approaches and your intended victim waits precariously by the track edge, while you are a good distance past the panhandler in some discreet alcove, release your dog to sate his appetite. Your dog, of course, has a speaker built in to his collar, and you hold the wireless microphone. As your dog retrieves the doggie treats from the bowl and begins to munch, looking very much like he’s talking, you speak into the microphone, \*“see that guy over there with the black briefcase and bowler hat?”…”yeah, what about him?”…”he’s satan, push him onto the tracks in front of the train and rid the world of evil.” \* As the carnage ensues and disorder commences, you scoop up your pup and walk discreetly away. Not much in the police report will link you to the crime: \*“subway schizo claims poodle told him to do it.” \*Easy peasy, nice and easy. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/39 "2011-11-11T21:15:25Z")
**Tibbytoes** , I can’t think of a single thing that could go wrong in that scenario. It’s perfect! ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2011, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/40 "2011-11-11T22:39:24Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > Thanks to all the Breaking Bad I’ve watched, I know that Ricin is an effective poison that, unless it is looked for, will probably go undetected. It will basically make it look like the victim had a heart attack. Of course, if the victim is an otherwise healthy person, and the autopsy shows there was no underlying cardiac condition, they might start to investigate further… > > So in that case we bring out our old friend, hydrofluoric acid. Get a nice HDPE hazmat suit with appropriate chemical respirator, a big HDPE barrel, and a butt load of hydrofluoric acid. Put victim in barrel, put acid in barrel, let stew for a couple days…even if it gets found, it will be nearly impossible to even identify the victim, let alone what little trace forensic evidence you might have left. The biggest problem is buying the mass quantities of acid and not getting found out through that…best get a good cover as either a high school chemistry teacher, or owner of a chicken franchise that itself is owned by a large, German industrial company that itself is just a shell/front. No, no, no. The problem is, you’re tied to the vat of HF. It’s not easy to get. When the cops find the vat of acid, they’re going to trace it to you. You absolutely cannot have a connection to the crime scene. How do you transport the HF and so on to where you’re dissolving the victim? How do you transport the victim to the scene? How do you do all this without leaving traces of the victim and HF all over your car and person, and without leaving a record? We are discussing a perfect crime here, right? Which means all this talk about disposing of the body or the murder weapon is foolishness. If you can’t leave the murder weapon at the crime scene, then it’s not a perfect murder weapon. If you have to transport the victim, or the victim’s body, that’s not a perfect murder. Think, people! It’s like I’m dealing with amatuers here! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590.md?page=3)