# How would you commit the perfect murder? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2011, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590 "2011-11-11T12:57:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/61 "2011-11-12T04:59:45Z")
> [@ExTank](#): > > David Simon … said even highly educated people (suspects of a homicide) talk themselves into prison by just talking to the police. You have the right to remain silent. Use it. > > You have the right to an attorney. Use it. > … > The hard part: [del]if[/del] _when_ the police show up for routine questioning, and tell you your ex-spouse/lover/whatever is dead, you gotta act the part. Bad acting will arouse suspicion. Lawyering up will arouse suspicion. A bit of a contradiction there, no? ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/62 "2011-11-12T05:06:40Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > A bit of a contradiction there, no? ETA: No, but I was less than clear. I should have added _immediately_ lawyering up. I thought it was clear from context that the cops were at your door doing preliminary questioning, sniffing for suspects. I did say later that if/when you’re “asked” to “come in” (to the police station, to sit in one of those little interrogation rooms, where the detective earnestly _assures_ you that this is all “informal” and “just a matter of clearing up some routine matters”) that you should lawyer up. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/63 "2011-11-12T05:50:40Z")
I’d try to get them so mad at me that they’d attack me. Then I’d kill them in self defense. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/64 "2011-11-12T06:12:32Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > I’d try to get them so mad at me that they’d attack me. Then I’d kill them in self defense. While a good idea on its face, it seems… um… dangerous. But it also raises a question of what constitutes “perfect”. Does it mean simply not being convicted of the crime? Does it mean no one ever makes any connection whatsoever between you and the death? It would be more challenging if things like killing a total stranger were excluded from the options. How about the perfect crime for killing someone that everyone knows you hate and want dead? ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/65 "2011-11-12T06:18:09Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > While a good idea on its face, it seems… um… dangerous. > > But it also raises a question of what constitutes “perfect”. Does it mean simply not being convicted of the crime? Does it mean no one ever makes any connection whatsoever between you and the death? > > It would be more challenging if things like killing a total stranger were excluded from the options. How about the perfect crime for killing someone that everyone knows you hate and want dead? That’s what I thought I meant. lol ---
**Author:** ![studmuffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@studmuffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/studmuffin)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/66 "2011-11-12T06:42:40Z")
Poison and/or drugs. Never mind guns, blunt instruments, or fake car smash, problems dumping bodies, leaving traces of hairs, pollen or dandruff at the scene of crime. For those close to you or a random stranger, poison is the perfect means of choice. The perfect crime, don’t like the wife any more, then slowly poison her with an untraceable poison or drug, or hit her with a one off drug that produces the effect of a stroke/heart attack, everyone is sympathetic, death certificate is drawn up, get her cremated pronto, everything sorted. Just don’t do it to kill every one of your 5 wives, even stooopid cops catch on eventually. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/67 "2011-11-12T07:57:28Z")
The supposedly true 1991 book _The Feather Men_ (adapted for screen as _The Killer Elite_) lists four ‘perfect’ murders of ex-SAS men carried out by Omani assassins in the UK pursuing blood revenge. They get increasingly elaborate and unbelievable as the book progresses, but the first one is kinda neat: Break into the victim’s house while they’re out and take a cast of the side of their shower using dental cement. Clean up, go home, make a steel club with the cast, and laminate it with whatever the bath/shower tray is made of - enamel, plastic, etc. Wait until your victim is in the shower, break in again then smash in their skull with the club. Put some blood and hair on the place where you took the mold. Go home and use your smelting equipment to dispose of the murder weapon. The other advantage of their method is the length of time taken to exact revenge: up to 17 years. The second murder, by the way, is an extremely similar scenario to the death of Robin Cook, ex-British Foreign Secretary, in 2005. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/68 "2011-11-12T08:07:19Z")
Ooh, another one: _With Malice Aforethought_, a British TV drama from the 1970s. The following from 30+ years ago memory: 1930s doctor wants to off his wife. He starts secretly to adulterate her food with small traces of something to induce severe headaches. She asks for painkillers. He gives her stuff that’s inadequate and after several days she begs for something stronger. He allows himself to be persuaded to give her morphine. He gradually increases the dosage until she’s an addict. He no longer has to induce headaches. He tells people about how concerned he is about her addiction, and makes a public show of not allowing her any more morphine. Then one evening he goes to some very public event with hundreds of witnesses, but ‘accidentally’ leaves his home office unlocked, with a full syringe on his desk. She goes in looking for morphine, finds the syringe, thinks it’s morphine but it isn’t, and injects herself something lethal. She murdered herself! ---
**Author:** ![Dereknocue67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6de8d8/32.png) [@Dereknocue67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dereknocue67)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2011, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/69 "2011-11-12T13:51:34Z")
The perfect murder? That’s easy. Just destroy the world! ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/70 "2011-11-13T01:26:56Z")
Since we are only talking about how to kill someone you are close to, the rules will change a bit. I realize that not every one of these steps can be followed exactly, but the more you omit, the more likely it will be that you will do some jail time. How to commit the perfect murder of a friend, lover, or SO: • Win the Heisman Trophy—Granted this is not essential, but it will look good on the mantel next to the urn filled with your first victims ashes. • Play superstar football for a team that is average at best—If you are no good at football, star in an academy award film and a couple of crappy ones, or become an innovative record producer, if you are a female, all you have to do is be a party girl with a drinking habit. • Google some shit like, “How to get away with killing your husband,” or “non-detectable poison.” For some reason, the public won’t take you seriously unless you look up how to kill on the internet. • Get the victim to a jurisdiction where you stand a chance—LA County, Pinellas County, Aruba, or Salem, where you will have Roman Brady ([Roman Brady - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Brady)) as the top cop. • Do the damn thing—Get crazy with getting your killing on. Gunshots, bludgeoning, stabbing, poison, doesn’t matter how you do it. Just, as Nike says, Do It. • When the cops come to talk to you, act like you expected them to tell you about the death of your SO—Get emotional, go to prison. Act like it is no big deal that your wife was found dead in your home when you were there, but down in the kitchen getting a beer at the time. Even if your girlfriend was in the same bed as you getting bludgeoned to death, you didn’t see anything. • Take a long slow ride in you SUV with another Pro Football Hall of Famer—If you don’t know any Pro Football Hall of Famers, go out drinking any partying like nothing ever happened. • Have a friend call Nancy Grace and throw in some details of a lesbian relationship you were having—This will do nothing to keep you out of prison, but you need to keep Nancy Grace and Jane Velez distracted before they convict you. • Throw a ton of gloves of various sizes all over the murder scene—It doesn’t matter if the police have secured the area. Just tell them you have some papers or something to pick up. • Make sure the trial is televised—Skip every other suggestion if you want to, but if you short cut on this, you are going to the chair. Just my suggestions. SFC Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/71 "2011-11-13T02:04:25Z")
Three key principles: 1. Don’t leave a body lying around. The police find somebody with a bullet hole in their back, they know it’s a murder. They’ve got a body and crime scene to start their investigation with. So get rid of the body. Without a body it’s just a missing person case and they get much lower priority. 2. Don’t have a motive. If somebody is killed, the police are going to investigate all of the people who had a reason to kill that person. That’s why serial killers are so hard to catch - they don’t have any prior connection to their victims. 3. Don’t get anyone else involved. If nobody besides the killer knows who he is, then nobody else can reveal his identity. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/72 "2011-11-13T02:16:05Z")
Method 1 – Build an interstellar space craft. Lure the victim into it. Slam the door and hit the LAUNCH button. Method 2 – Build a machine to make the Sun expand to engulf the Earth. Then evacuate everyone but the victim to… eh, somewhere else, doesn’t matter a whole lot. Simple! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/73 "2011-11-13T02:19:27Z")
Kill the victim. Kill the cop who’s assigned to investigate the murder. Kill the cop who’s assigned to investigate the murder of the cop who was assigned to investigate the murder. Repeat as necessary. Eventually they’ll run out of cops. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/74 "2011-11-13T04:04:03Z")
Get drunk and drive into preferred victim. With the assistance of a very good lawyer, you might not even lose your license. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/75 "2011-11-13T06:12:14Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > You hit the light just a few seconds before they touch down. They won’t be able to see the controls to switch to an auto landing, if in fact they can do it that close to touchdown any way. The police can’t do anything in 3 minutes, and the pilots will be too dead to report that a bright light from that building over there blinded them. This has happened, many times, and hasn’t resulted in a crash yet. [This article](http://articles.cnn.com/2009-02-23/us/washington.plane.lasers_1_laser-light-air-line-pilots-association-landing?_s=PM:US) discusses an incident in which 12 different planes were ‘lit up’ within a twenty minute period while attempting to land at SeaTac airport. Despite massive confusion, there were no accidents. In the same article, an FAA spokesperson reports that there had been 148 incidents so far that year (said on February 23rd of 2009, so roughly 3.4 incidents per day), and that thus far lasers haven’t contributed to _any_ crashes. Lighting up an approaching plane _could possibly_ cause a crash, or contribute to one, so it’s highly illegal for good reasons. But so far statistics suggest that if you want to crash a plane you’re more likely to accomplish it by throwing geese at the engine than by shining a laser at the cockpit. IANA pilot, but here’s my best explanation of why it’s not really lethal. Look this video: [more fun with laser pointers](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9pO9AgrzAc&feature=relmfu). Flash blindness from a laser hit is a possibility, but glare and/or distraction are far more likely hazards. In this video, the glare from the laser pointer obscures about 90% of the view out of the windshield. It doesn’t prevent the pilots from seeing their controls. My impression is that most professional pilots are [instrument rated](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instrument_rating). (They’re certified to fly using only the cockpit instruments under zero-visibility conditions, such as at night through heavy fog to a remote, poorly-lit airfield. Kennedy Jr. would likely still be alive if he’d learned how.) They should be able to finish a landing without being able to see through the windshield. Even if they were completely blinded and couldn’t see their hands in front of their face, it’s simple enough to find the control column and throttle, pull the plane up a bit, and stay on a straight line until the flash blindness has receded and they’ve flown past the laser pointer. Refused landings are common enough that the flight path away from the runway will be clear, and the tower will have enough time to redirect everyone as needed. > [@drachillix](#): > > The piece everyone is missing was an elaborate scam to get a false report of a bug in the autolanding systems software and reccomending it not be used until resolved. So all of the pilots were landing without the automatic systems that could land the plane even if you could kill the pilot. > > The book was “Debt of Honor” Good catch on Clancy’s part, he’s thorough like that. Does he explain further details that would refute my above points? And that is officially the most research I’ve ever done to win an internet argument. I have exciting weekends! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/76 "2011-11-13T07:38:34Z")
Yeah, well… let’s see you debunk my interstellar spacecraft murder! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/77 "2011-11-13T18:43:18Z")
Ah, your interstellar spacecraft murder plot is vacuous and best left unexplored… The basic premise of the subway murder scene I posted above (#38) is most sound, though the scenario I wrapped it around may be construed as somewhat far-fetched. More realistically, we need to lose the subway, but keep the schizophrenic and talking dog. 🙂 What better way to commit the perfect murder than to have someone else, untraceable to you, do the killing? And what better “someone else” to do the killing than a paranoid schizophrenic? They are highly suggestible, unlikely to elude police pinning them to the crime, and in need of no motive other than being psychotic and a bit murderous at times. There are plenty of schizophrenics to choose from to do the whack. Since mid-20th century de-institutionalization, they are as easy to find as an airport Hare Krishna. In fact, there may be one in the room with you right now…perhaps even in the mirror (if so, with a little twist, this could work to your advantage). So, choose your psycho hit-man, then build a brief, focused, anonymous relationship with him. First, ramp up his delusional affect and level of paranoia by replacing his Risperidal with Good & Plenty candy for a few days. Now, as long as you lure him into a secretive lair, you can easily communicate with your psychotic incognito. He’ll think nothing of talking with you via dog (Son of Sam style), or even with you in costume as Michael Jackson. This would be particularly welcome by the tabloid reporters if your intended victim were a prostitute and your suggested weapon were an ax. _Jacko tells Wacko to Hack Ho!_ ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/78 "2011-11-14T01:02:48Z")
> [@FlyByNight512](#): > > What would keep them from just waving off and circling the airport while [the police find and arrest you in three minutes flat](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k4C8grAGP4&feature=youtu.be)? There are also autopilot programs that are quite capable of landing planes at this point, so even if you could completely incapacitate the pilots there’s no guarantee they’d crash. This is an insane nitpick, but check the time stamps on the video: It’s actually more like 8 or 9 minutes than 3 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/79 "2011-11-14T06:41:25Z")
Commit the murder at night during a rain storm. The rain will disrupt the ability of all those cameras to identify either you or your car. The grocery store security camera won’t capture your license plate through all that rain, and it will obscure any unique identifying marks, dents, bumper stickers, or aftermarket wheels on your vehicle. Your car will just be an anonymous sedan, truck or van. This also applies to your body and face. It is hard to see through rain at night. The rain also washes away or dilutes evidence. Tire tread impressions, DNA, body hairs, blood stains, etc., all just go away. There are less people out and about when it is raining. Less eyes on you. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590/80 "2011-11-14T16:27:41Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > 1. Pick up a victim in one jurisdiction, kill in a second, dump the body in a third. Bonus points for crossing state lines or dumping the body in a place like an Indian reservation where there might be further jurisdictional issues. How would this help, other than maybe getting law professors so grateful for providing them with a perfect teaching case that they’ll volunteer to help on your defense? I’d think crossing jurisdictions just means twice or three times the resources put to solving the case (plus the FBI or equivalent now has an excuse to get involved). Sure, your trial might be delayed by inter-jurisdictional squabbling, but I don’t think the actual investigation will necessarily be worse. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-commit-the-perfect-murder/602590.md?page=5)