# How would you feel about being a prop at fake wedding? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 26, 2014, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639 "2014-09-26T15:04:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/81 "2014-09-27T00:20:45Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > It seems like your family and friends know you are married and are asking you to throw a party. Very different from the OP who kept it secret - perhaps because he knew some people wouldn’t have attended. > > Although I have to ask, what do you mean by considering that to be your real wedding? Do you consider yourself unmarried now? Are you going to count your anniversaries from the date of the party not the ceremony? It probably sounds sarcastic, although I don’t mean it to be , but I don’t understand how you wouldn’t consider the first public committment ( and having a legal ceremony is public even if family and friends aren’t there) the real" wedding. I don’t see how our disclosure makes it less of “playing dress up” and “a gift grab,” and “fake.” We are legally married, but have not had our wedding yet. We needed to file the legal paperwork early because it was the only reasonable way for me to get much-needed medical care (had been trying for the baby for a while, baby finally stuck when I was between jobs.) Our wedding will be when at least my mother, his family, our daugther, and at least some of our friends come together to witness our vows to each other. That will be the date we “count”, the first date means little to us and is based on the first appointment we could get at the courthouse. We went on our lunch break and I worked late that night-- that was not our wedding, it was filing paperwork. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/82 "2014-09-27T00:44:14Z")
I guess I don’t understand why some people wouldn’t have come if they had known the truth. Seems to me either you want to be there to celebrate a marriage or you don’t. Even if the fiance has technically been the guy’s wife for a year, she is still a new addition to the family. But that doesn’t mean you have no right to feel pissed off, **Crotalus**. Your son did deceive you and that’s not right. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/83 "2014-09-27T02:08:57Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Because it’s really not relevant, IMO. Obviously we disagree on this. The wedding ceremony that they had was where they publicly proclaimed their commitment to each other asked their friends and family for support. They shared this day with them because that’s what you do in a wedding. > > There can be many reasons for not sharing that information with the world. My sister had always been planning their wedding for the fall but due to the way the visa was granted they needed to get married quickly in the early summer for her husband to stay in the country. They didn’t consider that to be a major thing, just something they needed to do but in the eyes of the law they were married. They didn’t feel the need to share that fact with the world, it didn’t change anything or affect their plans otherwise. Other folks may not want to upset religious parents who may disapprove, or they need to do so for medical benefits, or any number of other reasons. They don’t owe their friends and family a full explanation of all that if they feel it’s not anyone else’s business. > > Would you change your mind about attending a friend’s public wedding if you found out they were married already for other reasons? Yes, I may well change my mind about attending. If one attends a wedding, it’s an intimate event where you’re witnessing and supporting people go through a stressful, life altering experience. If that was all already done a year ago behind the scenes, then it’s a fake event because _nothing’s happening_ to get witnessed and supported. And it stops being “not anyone else’s business” once you begin inviting people to attend in good faith. It’s obvious that people lie in such cases because they want to have it both ways - get the maximum emotional investment from their guests while still enjoying the economic benefits of marriage in the meantime. It’s sort of like the difference between attending an Olympic sporting event and a scripted sporting event like wrestling - sure, some guests will have fun either way, but some people _will_ change their opinion of you if they find out. > [@Grestarian](#): > > It’s not about the marriage date or the wedding date. The real issue is buried beneath the deception and the reveal (regardless of PS’ sobriety at the time): Is this how Prodigal treats his parents? It _IS_ about the marriage and wedding date simply because it’s become a minor trend to do this, by people who don’t realize how rude it is to their guests. The OP’s son didn’t invent this. > [@even\_sven](#): > > Our wedding will be when at least my mother, his family, our daugther, and at least some of our friends come together to witness our vows to each other. That will be the date we “count”, the first date means little to us and is based on the first appointment we could get at the courthouse. We went on our lunch break and I worked late that night-- that was not our wedding, it was filing paperwork. So you are having a vow renewal party. It will be lots of fun and a bonding experience, but it won’t be a wedding, because you are already wed. Are you going the whole nine yards and having a wedding dress, bridal party, “officiant”, etc? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/84 "2014-09-27T02:17:11Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > So you are having a vow renewal party. It will be lots of fun and a bonding experience, but it won’t be a wedding, because you are already wed. Are you going the whole nine yards and having a wedding dress, bridal party, “officiant”, etc? It may not be a marriage, but it will be a wedding. And no, I’m not going to tell you my wedding plans. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/85 "2014-09-27T02:26:31Z")
I dont think your going to win anything back except perhaps an apology. Other than telling him straight out that you thought it was wrong - I suggest moving on. Dont hold it over his head or anything because what’s done is done and now it’s time to move on. Now you might do what my MIL did to her son - remind him that that was his inheritance. Every last penny and grandmothers antique that he is going to ever get. Just move on. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/86 "2014-09-27T02:28:08Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > It may not be a marriage, but it will be a wedding. And no, I’m not going to tell you my wedding plans. Well, you get points for at least telling people that you’re married. But a full wedding production can get tacky in this case, not to mention a waste of money. If people happily had courthouse weddings - and that’s all - I guess their marriages aren’t real, huh? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/87 "2014-09-27T02:48:41Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > If one attends a wedding, it’s an intimate event where you’re witnessing and supporting people go through a stressful, life altering experience. That is one definition of a wedding, but not the only one. > [@](#): > > If that was all already done a year ago behind the scenes, then it’s a fake event because _nothing’s happening_ to get witnessed and supported. And it stops being “not anyone else’s business” once you begin inviting people to attend in good faith. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this. I don’t consider it a fake event at all. Asking for friends and family to witness and support our relationship was a huge part of our wedding. It would be the case whether we had already signed a wedding certificate or not. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/88 "2014-09-27T02:58:00Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this. I don’t consider it a fake event at all. Asking for friends and family to witness and support our relationship was a huge part of our wedding. It would be the case whether we had already signed a wedding certificate or not. To be clear, I think there is _nothing_ wrong with post-wedding parties as long as they are tasteful/understated and above board (the world needs more parties!) But trying to recreate a full wedding with all the cliches (bachelor party, etc.) can cross into tacky silliness for legally-married people. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/89 "2014-09-27T03:23:45Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > To be clear, I think there is _nothing_ wrong with post-wedding parties as long as they are tasteful/understated and above board (the world needs more parties!) But trying to recreate a full wedding with all the cliches (bachelor party, etc.) can cross into tacky silliness for legally-married people. And I assume non-virgin brides should opt for a tasteful blue? ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/90 "2014-09-27T03:34:33Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > And I assume non-virgin brides should opt for a tasteful blue? I’m talking about etiquette to one’s guests, not wedding customs. And by the way - it’s a [myth](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_dress) that white dress = virginity. > [@](#): > > prior to the Victorian era, a bride was married in any color, black being especially popular in Scandinavia.[…] White became a popular option in 1840, after the marriage of Queen Victoria to Albert of Saxe-Coburg, where Victoria wore a white gown to incorporate some lace she prized. The official wedding portrait photograph was widely published, and many brides opted for white in accordance with the Queen’s choice. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/91 "2014-09-27T03:47:28Z")
I wouldn’t feel bad about it. They wanted people there for their special day, and that was their special day. You know, there are two or three parts to a wedding. There’s the legal part where you get the license and register the thing with the state, there’s any religious aspect of it you choose, and then there’s the party. Almost all the expense is the party, and most people think of that as “the wedding.” It’s too bad he lied to you (and also, probably, too bad he confessed) but you have stated that a number of people in both families would have treated this occasion differently had the truth been known, which means he would have been punished for telling the truth. I’d just forget it. I mean, just add it to the person he is, and move on. What really bugs me is when people have the whole big blowout, and then ten months later they split up. Now, that feels like a gift-grab and a sham. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/92 "2014-09-27T03:54:26Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > To be clear, I think there is _nothing_ wrong with post-wedding parties as long as they are tasteful/understated and above board (the world needs more parties!) But trying to recreate a full wedding with all the cliches (bachelor party, etc.) can cross into tacky silliness for legally-married people. They cross into tacky silliness for not-yet-legally-married people, too. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/93 "2014-09-27T05:25:58Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I guess I don’t understand why some people wouldn’t have come if they had known the truth. Seems to me either you want to be there to celebrate a marriage or you don’t. Even if the fiance has technically been the guy’s wife for a year, she is still a new addition to the family. If it was my kid, I’d be there no matter what, even if I felt lied to. If it was a sibling, cousin, niece or nephew that might be another story. I’d fly halfway across the country, pay for a hotel for a few days , have my husband take a few days of his limited vacation etc, if I was going to a reception that happened shortly after the ceremony. I might do it if the wedding was already planned and the paperwork had to be sped up a little due to visa or insurance issues or if there was a quickie wedding before someone deployed or had a job transfer overseas and the party happened shortly after the return. But I probably wouldn’t go to all that trouble and expense for a couple having a party nearly a year after they got married. If the delayed party was local to me, I’m sure I’d go, just as I would attend a vow renewal ceremony/reception or anniversary party that was local to me but probably not one halfway across the country. But that’s assuming it wasn’t a secret. There are few reasons to keep it a secret. In fact , the only one I can think of is because you don’t think people will attend if they know. And that means you’re trying to take a choice away from your guests- the choice to decide whether they want to go to the trouble and expense to attend an party celebrating events that happened months ago. Because the events did happen months ago - the vows , the public commitment that can’t be broken by someone simply moving out, the benefits and responsibilities that come with being married, all those happened as a result of the legal ceremony. They don’t happen at the party or even at a second ceremony. And although this hasn’t been mentioned much , the OP had this line > [@](#): > > At first, his brothers and his father said that they probably would not attend for various reasons involving expense, vacation time, and child care. If they were leaning towards not attending for these reasons believing the PS was not already married, they almost certainly would not have attended if they knew he was already married. And I definitely think that was part of the reason for the secrecy. Perhaps if PS had gone the (not uncommon) route of letting his family know he had gotten married and sometime later visiting his hometown and having a party there to introduce his new wife he wouldn’t now be in the position of having his family pissed at him. But I’m guessing the bride’s mother would have been suspicious if none of the groom’s family was present - and I suspect that the rest of the reason for the secrecy was that she wouldn’t have come to the US if she knew her daughter had already been married for nearly a year. Of course, they could have done the same as far letting them know, and going for a visit and having a party in the bride’s hometown. Sometimes you can’t get everything you want. Sometimes, you have to decide whether it’s more important to have the party commemorating your marriage in California or more important to have your family there. ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/94 "2014-09-27T11:39:53Z")
Thanks to everyone for the replies. It was good for me to read the varied opinions, particularly those that differed so much from mine. Prodigal is 30, I am 60, and his point of view is opaque to me. Reading all of this helped me a lot. Doreen, thanks for that post. You picked up on a lot of what was probably going on in people’s minds. ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/95 "2014-09-27T11:47:49Z")
It seems to me that weddings, regardless of the time and date of the Official Signing of the Paperwork, are just narcissistic, showy, dress-up games anyway. That doesn’t mean they’re not fun, or that I don’t like them. But I don’t see how anyone can act like there’s somehow a “real” and “fake” way to do all this stuff. “Prodigal” shouldn’t have lied (by omission) about not being legally married. But that’s purely a matter of principle and has nothing to do with the wedding in California. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/96 "2014-09-27T12:59:30Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > So you are having a vow renewal party. It will be lots of fun and a bonding experience, but it won’t be a wedding, because you are already wed. Are you going the whole nine yards and having a wedding dress, bridal party, “officiant”, etc? See, I’d call that a wedding. The civil ceremony/signing of the papers is the official marriage, I suppose, but the wedding is another thing. I can’t say it’s very common, but it’s certainly not unusual, in my experience (and I work in the industry), to sign the official paperwork and have the wedding at a later date. Maybe 5% of the weddings I photograph are like this, and I usually am privy to the info that the couple are married, but that the guests are unaware (because they usually tell me, hey, we’re technically already married, but nobody really knows yet.) So it’s possible the actual number might be higher. Now, as a parent, I might be a little hurt that my offspring did not consider me close enough to be privy to that information, so I get where **Crotalus** is coming from. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling this a “real wedding.” It’s not unheard of these days, and I personally see no reason or what utility is gained by calling it a “fake wedding” or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/97 "2014-09-27T14:23:17Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > See, I’d call that a wedding. The civil ceremony/signing of the papers is the official marriage, I suppose, but the wedding is another thing. I can’t say it’s very common, but it’s certainly not unusual, in my experience (and I work in the industry), to sign the official paperwork and have the wedding at a later date. Maybe 5% of the weddings I photograph are like this, and I usually am privy to the info that the couple are married, but that the guests are unaware (because they usually tell me, hey, we’re technically already married, but nobody really knows yet.) So it’s possible the actual number might be higher. Now, as a parent, I might be a little hurt that my offspring did not consider me close enough to be privy to that information, so I get where **Crotalus** is coming from. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling this a “real wedding.” It’s not unheard of these days, and I personally see no reason or what utility is gained by calling it a “fake wedding” or something like that. Well, look at it this way: say I’m depressed that I didn’t get a birthday party on my real birthday in February (because I was out of town making money) because it just doesn’t FEEL like I’m a year older and I wanted the presents. So I’ll tell everyone my birthday is in September, throw myself a big party, and even pay people to jump out of the bushes and sing Happy Birthday while I pretend to be surprised. Next year, I just need to remember to keep my story straight that my real birthday is in September, regardless of what that pesky “legal” date is. I blame the internet for these fake weddings, because people were perfectly content to have low-key events in an American Legion hall up until recently. Now people think their marriages aren’t real until they have the perfect Pinterest/YouTube inspired monstrosity with every single cliche represented, and respect for guests just gets lost. (I’m not sure it shows much respect for their partner, either) You mention that the the guests are usually unaware - this is because the couple knows damn well that a good number of guests will think it is tacky if they spill the beans. Are the wedding party also unaware? I can just imagine being someone’s Best Man or Maid of Honor and then finding out later that this information was withheld. ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/98 "2014-09-27T15:00:54Z")
To all of the folks who felt strong reactions to the word “fake” in the thread title, I’m sorry for my choice of that word. I’m not a prolific thread starter. I actually labored over the words, trying for three things: conciseness, something that would prompt a click or two, and accuracy. In the pursuit of 1 and 2, I ended up with too provocative a word, particularly for anyone whose situation even remotely resembled the one I described. So, I’m sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/99 "2014-09-27T15:32:43Z")
OP, you got punked. Sorry. How you want to deal with your ‘Ashton Kutcher Wannabe’ is up to you, but anything you post here is admissible evidence in a court of law. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639/100 "2014-09-27T15:48:16Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > Well, look at it this way: say I’m depressed that I didn’t get a birthday party on my real birthday in February (because I was out of town making money) because it just doesn’t FEEL like I’m a year older and I wanted the presents. So I’ll tell everyone my birthday is in September, throw myself a big party, and even pay people to jump out of the bushes and sing Happy Birthday while I pretend to be surprised. Next year, I just need to remember to keep my story straight that my real birthday is in September, regardless of what that pesky “legal” date is. I celebrated my 22nd birthday a month after the actual anniversary of my birthday, because I was in very bad health at the time of my actual birthday and was having a major operation a week later. Since I wasn’t in a really celebratory mood and wasn’t physically up to doing much on my actual birthday, I told my family and close friends that for that year my birthday was going to be a month later. No one seemed to have a problem with this, and if anyone had said that I had to either have my cake and presents on my actual birthday or forget about it until next year then I think they would have been the jerk and not me. It would be weird and selfish to expect multiple birthday celebrations per year, but if you only have one a year then I don’t think other people really care whether it’s on the actual anniversary of your birth or not. Delaying the celebration by a month is uncommon, but lots of people don’t have a party or go out until the Friday/Saturday after their actual birthday. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-feel-about-being-a-prop-at-fake-wedding/699639.md?page=6)