# How would you handle a babysitter thief? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 8, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968 "2011-03-08T21:50:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/61 "2011-03-08T23:28:04Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > Friends of other sitters? So… if the Babysitter Code worked like the Mom Code, your cadre would be replaced with a single sitter who wouldn’t care if you were unable to find a sitter when she was unavailable so long as she picked up all the work during the times that she was available? So what? Babysitting is like any other business. I’m sure there are lots of babysitters that would like to keep their clients solely to themselves. As I said, my wife does share her sitters with certain close friends. There are no absolutes in this situation, just like there are normally not absolutes in life. Again the point of the op isn’t about the sitter it’s about the friend being decietful. And contrary to popular belief, my wife didn’t flip out about it, or make this into the biggest thing that happened to her today. She found it interesting that the friend lied about her wanting to only use the sitter one time. If you insist on making this into something greater than it really is, please take your hijacks somewhere else. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/62 "2011-03-08T23:29:41Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > We’re talking about a personal service provider at a quality level that’s hard to find, whose services cannot be replaced by just anybody. This is someone who will spend hours in your home when you’re not there. This is someone to whom you entrust the wellbeing of your children. If you find such a person, and want to be able to use their services rather than having them always booked working for someone else, you don’t broadcast their contact information. > > It’s up to each household to find its own providers of such service, and it’s up to each service provider to find its own clients. Suggesting that the OP has no right to be discreet about treasured babysitters, or that the sitters are harmed by such discretion, strikes me as nonsense. It’s not his responsibility to ensure that his neighbors have babysitters, and it’s not his reponsibility to ensure that his sitters have clients. They’re capable of seeing to their needs without his help. > > Mainly, though, it’s slitting your own throat to make it easy for others to use up a limited resource like this. Let them do their own legwork like you did, and reap the rewards of their own efforts instead of depriving you of the rewards of yours. While I’m sure it’s not the situation everywhere, I find it quite plausible that in the OP’s area, this is an unwritten code of respect and honor among most of the moms. > > I’d say the woman in question has garnered valuable information by deceit, and is behaving quite unethically. In using that information, she is potentially creating a hardship for the OP. Sure, she has a legal right to hire any babysitter, no matter who else they work for. Morally though, she has the obligation to put more effort into her search than telling a lie and taking advantage of others’ trust. > > I think your wife should talk to this gal. It may be that she hasn’t thought about how her actions could be detrimental to your lifestyle. Or she may be an underhanded snake, which would be good to know for future reference. Thank you…someone gets it. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/63 "2011-03-08T23:31:35Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > His point is that they aren’t upset that the sitter is getting business, but that other mom was dishonest re: her intentions in her getting the name of the sitter. As I said though, there’s no way for anybody to know that it wasn’t the _sitter_ who offered, not the mom. And no sane person would say to the sitter, “Oh, that’s awfully nice, but I have to get permission from my friends before I hire you. Lemme give them a call and make sure it’s ok!” Considering that the sitter didn’t know this other mom, until she was contacted after my wife gave her the sitter’s name, I highly doubt your alternate scenario is plausible. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/64 "2011-03-08T23:34:36Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > So what? > If you insist on making this into something greater than it really is, please take your hijacks somewhere else. Oh man, the irony… ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/65 "2011-03-08T23:37:04Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Considering that the sitter didn’t know this other mom, until she was contacted after my wife gave her the sitter’s name, I highly doubt your alternate scenario is plausible. I can’t tell you how many times a week I say to clients (that I have never met, know nothing about, except that they just called me for the first time ever), “I’m so sorry- I can’t meet with you on such short notice, but if you’d like to come in at a later date, I’d be more than happy to help you.” Even if I can’t meet them right this minute, I’d still like their business in the future. Why’s it so hard to believe a sitter would handle the scenario presented by you any differently? ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/66 "2011-03-08T23:41:19Z")
You know what, you’re right. There’s no point in talking to this other mom though, you already know what kind of person she is. Go to the babysitter and tell her your sorry this other mom was bothering her with these questions. And tell her that if anyone else tries to poach her, then she should let you know right away. That way you’ll know who you can trust. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/67 "2011-03-08T23:42:00Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Once again another doper who missed the point. I’m sorry, but I cannot agree. Calling the other mother a baby-sitter thief reminds me of the thread a few months back in which someone was complaining about his friend’s dating his ex. Just as the OP in that thread had no right to control the ex’s or friend’s romantic life, you and your wife have no right to control the babysitters’ financial lives. Only if you have entered into an exclusive agreement with the babysitter may you complain. ---
**Author:** ![Kalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/df705f/32.png) [@Kalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalypso)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/68 "2011-03-08T23:46:17Z")
I guess it’s people like Omar with his mom code that make it impossible for me to ever find a decent babysitter. How am I supposed to ever find someone to watch my kid if no one will give me a referral to someone they trust? Am I supposed to just pick a random stranger from Craigslist? Jeez, I thought _friends_ would be less selfish than to horde a bunch of sitters so they can always have one available while I never even get the occasional night out. Thanks a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/69 "2011-03-08T23:50:00Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I’m sorry, but I cannot agree. Calling the other mother a baby-sitter thief reminds me of the thread a few months back in which someone was complaining about his friend’s dating his ex. Just as the OP in that thread had no right to control the ex’s or friend’s romantic life, you and your wife have no right to control the babysitters’ financial lives. Only if you have entered into an exclusive agreement with the babysitter may you complain. Wow, you missed it twice. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/70 "2011-03-08T23:51:04Z")
> [@Kalypso](#): > > I guess it’s people like Omar with his mom code that make it impossible for me to ever find a decent babysitter. How am I supposed to ever find someone to watch my kid if no one will give me a referral to someone they trust? Am I supposed to just pick a random stranger from Craigslist? Jeez, I thought _friends_ would be less selfish than to horde a bunch of sitters so they can always have one available while I never even get the occasional night out. Thanks a lot. If you were a close friend, I’d happily share. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/71 "2011-03-08T23:52:22Z")
> [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > You know what, you’re right. There’s no point in talking to this other mom though, you already know what kind of person she is. > > Go to the babysitter and tell her your sorry this other mom was bothering her with these questions. And tell her that if anyone else tries to poach her, then she should let you know right away. That way you’ll know who you can trust. 1st paragraph, I agree with. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/72 "2011-03-08T23:53:44Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > That’s a big assumption. When a simple response of “No, I would just let it go.” would have sufficed. Instead, my wife is accused of being uncharitable, unreasonable in her dealing with babysitters, uncaring for our children, etc. etc. Typical doper responses, for a silly question. At least Why Not had the decency to admit, her over zealousness in her response. Typical doper behavior: post in IMHO asking other people “how would you handle X” and then being shocked (shocked!) when people express an opinion different from their own. Mom code. Pfffft. My ass. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/73 "2011-03-08T23:56:51Z")
We’ve got what, dozens? of people in this thread. We’re faced with the alternative that either one of them doesn’t get the point, or all of the rest of them all miss the point. Moms want referrals to good babysitters. Good babysitters want referrals to other moms. When moms let other moms know about good babysitters, _everyone_ benefits. Now, what was the point again? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/74 "2011-03-08T23:57:37Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Typical doper behavior: post in IMHO asking other people “how would you handle X” and then being shocked (shocked!) when people express an opinion different from their own. > > Mom code. Pfffft. My ass. Please refer to my shock. I don’t see it. If anything, I got what I expected. If your sensibilities are offended by my term “mom code” then you must accept the fact that you and my wife don’t run in the same circles…which is okay. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/75 "2011-03-09T00:02:48Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Of course the three regular sitters we use, know about each other. Hell our kids talk about them. It would be probably pretty difficult to hide it. > > All of our sitters are in college, and have different schedules, so one single one wouldn’t be available every time we use one. They also sit for other people, we are not their only clients. But I hope that if given the choice to sit for us or someone else they would choose to sit for us, simply because we pay more. But that doesn’t always happen, because they are polite young ladies and wouldn’t back out on a client, just because a higher paying client requested them after the fact. Thus, yes, my wife is being selfish, and there’s not really anything wrong with that. > > When you go to your butcher to buy your roast for sunday dinner, you hope that he has the cut and size that you want. But if he’s sold out, you’re dissappointed and still wish that he had it for you. Or do you actually say great for the butcher he sold out, I’ll happily go without? If this is your attitude, I think I’d advise said babysitter to start declining your business. ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/76 "2011-03-09T00:07:51Z")
**Omar** , please explain how this code works. Your wife offered a babysitter’s name with the condition that it was for one-time use only. Does that mean there are no conditions under which the neighbor could use that sitter? What if she saw the sitter’s ad on [sittercity.com](http://sittercity.com)? What if she met the girl and discovered for herself that she was a sitter? What if another friend offered her name, but without any conditions? All of these seem to render your wife’s condition moot. From my understanding, there is no reason to think that your wife was the only person that gave the neighbor the sitter’s name and thus no reason to think that the neighbor should honor your wife’s condition. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/77 "2011-03-09T00:17:26Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Please refer to my shock. I don’t see it. If anything, I got what I expected. > > If your sensibilities are offended by my term “mom code” then you must accept the fact that you and my wife don’t run in the same circles…which is okay. “… must accept …” 😕 What do you mean by running in the same circles, anyway? Educational level? Current income? Age? Number of kids? Age of those kids? And furthermore, why would any of those things affect a person’s moral/ethical code? Let me try another way: by using the phrase “mom code” you’re implying that the definition of terms like “thief” (and, by extension, terms like stealing, poaching, etc.) varies by whether or not someone has given birth. I humbly submit that it does not. (And for the record, no whine or rant is too minor for this board. 😉 That’s not the source of my irritation in the least.) ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/78 "2011-03-09T00:18:02Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > In using that information, she is potentially creating a hardship for the OP. What hardship? You mean the slight, vague possibility that one of the sitters he _didn’t_ hire for a certain day isn’t available as last-minute backup because she’s working for this other person? I mean, _really_. If I found out a client was refusing to make referrals so I’d more likely be available to be their second choice…they’d become an ex-client. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/79 "2011-03-09T00:21:11Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > If you were a close friend, I’d happily share. 😉 How tightly do you hold the babysitter list though? Are your close friends allowed to share with their close friends? If you originally got a sitter through close friend A, do you have a note that she cannot be shared with close friend B? Do you only share the sitters that you found yourself? How many steps of sharing are permitted? Seriously, your “code” sounds more Mafia than Mom. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968/80 "2011-03-09T00:23:02Z")
> [@Otara](#): > > Twice a week. > > If you’re so convinced noone would see it differently, theres no point in asking for opinions. > > Otara This. Your perspective is truly not the only one. I used sitters regularly when my children were small and never ever heard of such a code. What a bizarre world view that the other parent was deceitful because she ended up using a sitter another time, when she first thought she would only use her once. Sorry- I don’t get this at all. We shared sitters all the time and my kids now sit and get referrals from other parents routinely. ETA: I can easily imagine a scenario where your friend contacted a few sitters given to them by other friends. They chose one, and your sitter, said “ok, how about another time?”. Or your friend said- “I’m all set for next tuesday after all, how about next thursday.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-a-babysitter-thief/573968.md?page=5)