# How would you handle this? \[Family interaction with grandparent\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 27, 2016, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678 "2016-12-27T00:33:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/21 "2016-12-27T12:58:55Z")
This: > [@monstro](#): > > I agree it would have been nice for your daughter to have been asked if she’d like to come. > > But for me to know how to advise, I need more information. > > Does your daughter get along with her grandmother? Does she enjoy her company? Does she spend a lot of time with her grandmother? Does her grandmother regularly guilt-trip her into doing things she’d rather not do? > > Because if she gets along with her grandmother yet doesn’t spend a lot of time with her, then this may be a good opportunity for them to bond over an experience. If the grandmother has never asked her to do anything before, well, I can think of worse favors. > > Is she totally against the marching band thing for concrete, well-articulated reasosn? Or is it just something that doesn’t excite her much, as is often the case with a teenager? > > Because if it’s the latter, then perhaps this is a chance for her to change her mind about something and be pleasantly surprised. > > I guess I don’t see this as a matter worth disrupting family dynamics over, assuming we aren’t talking about family members from hell. Yes, your sister-in-laws overstepped and were thoughtless for assuming that everyone loves marching bands. But I’m guessing they were thinking that the marching band is kinda secondary to spending time with the grandmother and cousins. > > This is a situation where you can stand on your feelings and be technically “right”, while ruffling feathers with your husband’s (and daughter’s) peeps. Or you can help your daughter realize that it is okay to put up with an awkward situation when doing so benefits someone who didn’t have anything to do with the gaff. Assuming the grandmother is a normal grandmother, I’m sure she has done stuff on behalf of her grandchildren that she didn’t want to do. If you think your daughter is mature enough to put aside her feelings and be a good sport, then I’d let her make the decision about what to do. And yes, this: > [@Patx2](#): > > Lots of great advice dopers, thanks. I am picking up on some would’ve, could’ve, should’ves. My parents are both deceased and I don’t know, I think if you love and do your part, you can’t get all caught up in that. You need to do what you can do. It may be more or less than someone else. She’s 15, she’s been through 2 grandparents dying and I’m thinking she needs to make this decision. I don’t know because the aunts are very persuasive 🙄. This is not your problem. It’s \*her \*problem, and at 15, it’s well on time for her to learn how to handle these sorts of situations. Will she screw it up? Probably. But far better that she screw it up and learn from her mistake with her loving aunts and grandmother than with a job where she’s being asked to do unethical or illegal things or, god forbid, a boy in a hotel room she doesn’t know how to say no to. It doesn’t matter whether I or anyone else here, or even you, think she should go or not. It’s not up to us. The only opinion that matters here is hers. And either way, there’s something to be learned from it. Let her handle it. If she wants to, let her rehearse her strategies with you to get some idea of what might work and what definitely won’t work, but let this be her action and her learning. This is one of those “teachable moments,” Mom. They don’t seem to ever stop. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/22 "2016-12-27T14:22:04Z")
Regardless or whether or not she goes, it wouldn’t hurt to have a firm talk with hubby’s side of the family regarding scheduling people without asking the said people. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/23 "2016-12-27T14:33:30Z")
I edited the title to be more descriptive. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/24 "2016-12-27T14:43:34Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Forcing a relationship, they don’t feel, on a child never produces the desired result, in my experience. Just sayin’! This is a tough one. Forcing a relationship? Not quite, IMO. To me it’s a choice between two things: a 15 year-old attending the event and chalking it up as a lesson of going through with social engagements for politeness’ sake that one might not care to attend, or giving the inviters a socially acceptable “regrets”. I’m torn. Part of me thinks this is a relatively painless opportunity for a teenager to learn about the reality of relatively discomforting but necessary social interactions. Another part sees and acknowledges the above posts that prescribe an Emily Post-worthy action to graciously duck out of the engagement and save the girl from an event she’d rather not attend. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/25 "2016-12-27T14:58:36Z")
> [@Patx2](#): > > Yes, I agree and is the kick in the ass I wonder if I needed here, except the blessed event isn’t until March, I think I forgot to mention that. That makes it more challenging to pull the " we need more notice card." The event is 3 months away? And it’s a single event? So, your daughter isn’t being asked to spend time between now and then? And she has plenty of advance notice and time and no prior plans that it is interrupting? Quick question - if her grandmom had bought tickets herself for the event and invited her granddaughters, would you have a problem at all? Or is your issue that your sisters-in-law planned this (possibly with their daughters) without asking you and your daughter first? ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/26 "2016-12-27T15:36:56Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I find “persuasive” is usually a euphemism for “Won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” That’s not being persuasive; that’s being a pushy overbearing jerk. > > Given that you’ve now told us this is three months in the future, the answer can still be “no.” But that needs to be communicated now, not a day before the event. > > Tell them in plain English that it’s nice to be invited to stuff but impolite to be ordered to stuff. We don’t participate in people being impolite. The obvious challenge is they don’t see their overbearing controlling behavior as impolite. At which point you need to remind them that impolite is in the eye of the beholder and as far as you and your daughter think, they’re being impolite and you’re not going to further encourage the behavior. > > If you folks have been spineless doormats for the last 15 years this will seem like quite a change to them. Perhaps you can run off a long litany of all the times they pressured you into stuff you didn’t want to do and ultimately had a lousy time doing. > > And if in retrospect you can’t actually come up with such a list, then perhaps your/your daughter’s reaction to this is overblown drama queenism or just bored teenager-ism at work rather than a principled objection. > > You’re the only people close enough to the situation to tell the difference. We sure can’t. You are right, it’s not persuasive, it’s this is how we think it should be. Thank you, I’ve been looking at it as, well it was thoughtful to include her more so than stop being impolite jerks and making assumptions about what we want to do. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/27 "2016-12-27T15:38:54Z")
> [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](#): > > This is a tough one. > > Forcing a relationship? Not quite, IMO. To me it’s a choice between two things: a 15 year-old attending the event and chalking it up as a lesson of going through with social engagements for politeness’ sake that one might not care to attend, or giving the inviters a socially acceptable “regrets”. > > I’m torn. Part of me thinks this is a relatively painless opportunity for a teenager to learn about the reality of relatively discomforting but necessary social interactions. Another part sees and acknowledges the above posts that prescribe an Emily Post-worthy action to graciously duck out of the engagement and save the girl from an event she’d rather not attend. You pretty much nailed exactly how I feel. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/28 "2016-12-27T15:51:20Z")
> [@amarinth](#): > > The event is 3 months away? And it’s a single event? So, your daughter isn’t being asked to spend time between now and then? And she has plenty of advance notice and time and no prior plans that it is interrupting? > > Quick question - if her grandmom had bought tickets herself for the event and invited her granddaughters, would you have a problem at all? Or is your issue that your sisters-in-law planned this (possibly with their daughters) without asking you and your daughter first? There will be plenty of time spent together between now and then. As to your question, if grandmom had bought the tickets under the same circumstances, I’d still have an issue. If grandmom or the aunts had come to me or my daughter first, I wouldn’t have such an issue. We ( husband, daughter, and I) just felt as though daughter was pushed under the bus yesterday when grandmom in all her joy sprung this on her. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/29 "2016-12-27T16:19:51Z")
Fwiw, my sister used to buy my kids (her niece and nephew) tickets to plays, musicals, performances etc every year for birthdays and holidays. I guess in that sense they were never “consulted” and were expected to go with the same graciousness they’d be expected to have with any gift. It ended up being a lovely tradition that my kids look back on fondly, even if every event wasn’t their favorite experience. ---
**Author:** ![Pabitel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/30 "2016-12-27T16:29:02Z")
Don’t put this on your daughter. It’s not her fault you have let this situation develop. Now is a great time to set some boundaries. You need to talk to whoever’s idea this was and tell them straight up that they are not to assume they have the right to schedule your child for anything without asking you first. For the record, this behavior is wayyy out of line. Anybody starts thinking that they can order my kid around, even if it’s with a smile, they can go jump in the lake. I don’t care if they are family or not. Once somebody crosses that line you are no longer required to be nice. I don’t know what kind of family the folks in this thread grew up in, who are advocating the “go, lie and smile” solution to this but I am sorry they have been conditioned to give in to this kind of passive aggressive behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Me\_Billy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e480ec/32.png) [@Me\_Billy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Me_Billy)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/31 "2016-12-27T16:34:55Z")
1. Yes they should ask “if you want to go or not” - first! 2. Simply say she can’t go, has other plans. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/32 "2016-12-27T16:40:22Z")
I have to admit that I find the replies to this a bit confusing. Surprising someone with tickets to something is a very common thing. And it’s not till March. Unless the grandparents are horrible people that you don’t want anything to do with I don’t understand what the problem is. My last surviving grandparent passed away last week, missing Christmas by 2 days. I sure am not looking back and thinking “boy I regret spending time with nana as a child”. Mind you nana was the type of grandparent who took her grandkids to Disney and Hawaii. But maybe doing stuff with the grandparents isn’t common in your family. Just seems like making a mountain out of a molehill. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/33 "2016-12-27T16:46:24Z")
> [@Patx2](#): > > My husband has three sisters, and I will be the first to tell you I lucked out in the in laws department. They are very close and call or text each other a few times a day, his mom included. I love them dearly, but learned a long time ago, if I didn’t want them all to know something then tell none of them. **My husband is close to them, but doesn’t need the constant interaction.** If I were your daughter, what would have rankled me was having my participation in someone else’s gift taken completely for granted. So she is not being unreasonable for having a negative reaction. But before you approach the SILs about this faux pas, make sure you confirm with your husband that they didn’t actually check in with him first about their plans. I’m wondering if it is possible they texted him with a “hey, we want this to be a cousin thing with g-ma; let us know if Kid objects otherwise we’ll buy her ticket too”. I could imagine this message being buried in a bunch of texts and/or him seeing it but then forgetting to follow up with your daughter. Then lo and behold, Christmas comes and your daughter is like WTF is this? When I’m included in group texts (which it sounds like your SILs engage a lot in), I tend to tune out a lot of messages, especially if there is a lot of texts being fired that are not specifically directed at me. So I could totally imagine missing an important text because the flurry of other information is too heavy for me to focus. My advice is to lean on your husband to communicate better with his sisters. If he’s close to them like you said, this is the path of least resistance. He should be your liaison to that side of the family. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/34 "2016-12-27T17:14:53Z")
You could say you’re sorry your daughter can’t made it that you made plans for that day and see if grandma could find to bring instead . I would be pissed off too if someone made plans for my daughter to go some place and didn’t ask me and my daughter if this was OK. This your daughter’s vacation time and she should be going things she like to do. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/35 "2016-12-27T18:34:37Z")
> [@Pabitel](#): > > Don’t put this on your daughter. It’s not her fault you have let this situation develop. > > Now is a great time to set some boundaries. You need to talk to whoever’s idea this was and tell them straight up that they are not to assume they have the right to schedule your child for anything without asking you first. > > For the record, this behavior is wayyy out of line. Anybody starts thinking that they can order my kid around, even if it’s with a smile, they can go jump in the lake. I don’t care if they are family or not. Once somebody crosses that line you are no longer required to be nice. > > I don’t know what kind of family the folks in this thread grew up in, who are advocating the “go, lie and smile” solution to this but I am sorry they have been conditioned to give in to this kind of passive aggressive behavior. I agree, it’s not my daughters fault and I didn’t mean to give the impression that I’m putting it on her. I do think some of the advice from other dopers that suggest she handle it, as far as, whether or not she decides to go is good advice. I think it may have been monstro who said upthread it’s a teachable moment. She’s old enough to decide. I also agree the sisters need to be and will be spoken to. I didn’t mean to give the impression in the OP that this behavior from them is constant, it’s not, but there have been a few other incidents. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/36 "2016-12-27T19:20:28Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Forcing a relationship, they don’t feel, on a child never produces the desired result, in my experience. Just sayin’! So much this; I know it’s not pertinent to this topic, but when my parents forced me (a young female from roughly 6 years old) to sleep next to my great-grandmother and grandmom, people I barely knew and in GGrandmom’s instance had no memory of on that visit, it was awful and I laid awake all night watching for the sun so I could flee the room. I wasn’t used to sleeping next to anyone, much less those who snored and got up to pee several times a night in a bedside commode along w/ being in a strange house. My brother was never made to sleep next to them. I was excoriated for saying I didn’t want to do it, that it would hurt their feelings that I didn’t want to do this strange thing I was suddenly told I had to LOVE. Forcing girls to show affection for people they don’t know sets a piss-poor example that my two ex-husbands and many failed relationships could point to. B/c how does a kid know when ‘You must show affection to this person you don’t know or it will hurt their feelings and you will look a bad person.’ ends? Thanks for letting me rant. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/37 "2016-12-27T19:44:52Z")
I spoke with one of the sisters and told her that while we all thought it was nice my daughter was included, we felt like she was thrown under the bus. She didn’t understand my reaction at first and I went on to explain that a heads up would’ve been nice and that the daughter was taken off guard when grandmom was telling her all about it and how she was going too. The sister said it was all very last minute and there wasn’t a lot of discussion, she didn’t even know what show it was, another sister ordered the tickets. She went on to say, and this is very true, my daughter really needs to be in control of her environment. Some people may have said, tickets? Great when are we going? She said if daughter doesn’t want to go that’s fine, grandmom would’ve been more upset if she hadn’t been included. Here’s the rub though. If she doesn’t go do they think she’s being selfish? At my age I don’t care, but at 15, it really matters what others think. If she does go, she has some slight anxiety issues which the family isn’t aware of. They knew last year because the anxiety began post concussion but they don’t know she still has some slight issues with it at times. I don’t know that it would, but if she feels stressed going it may cause some anxiety to creep up on her not an ideal situation. Thanks for listening, dopers. The daughter and I will have a talk at some point and figure out how she wants to handle things. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/38 "2016-12-27T19:54:29Z")
Time to let your daughter know that she is in control of her relationship with the rest of the family and she gets to choose what she does and when she does it _and you will back her every decision without question_. Give her that “Mom has my back” security, the right of choice and personal responsibility and then let her run with it. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/39 "2016-12-27T19:57:54Z")
What about going out for dinner and a show but not staying overnight? That might make her less anxious about it, knowing that she’ll just be out for a few hours but then back home to her own bed. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2016, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678/40 "2016-12-27T20:32:00Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Time to let your daughter know that she is in control of her relationship with the rest of the family and she gets to choose what she does and when she does it _and you will back her every decision without question_. > > Give her that “Mom has my back” security, the right of choice and personal responsibility and then let her run with it. Thank you, excellent advice and she knows I have her back, but a reminder sure can’t hurt. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-handle-this-family-interaction-with-grandparent/775678.md?page=3)