How would you have handled this family drama?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I am glad that there are people brave and patient enough to deal with that sort of situation with tact and an eye for defusing the conflict. I am not one of them. My solution is in no way ideal, but you asked for opinions! :wink:

Presuming I was the driver, I probably would have told my spouse “Look, you’re not going to like my answer to this. If you keep pressing me, I’ll give it, but then you will be mad and I’m not going to apologize for it. Let’s drop it and go on, shall we?” This is the part where the yelling normally starts. Presuming that we got as far as turning around again, I’d’ve left my spouse at home and started for the gathering a third time, with the understanding that I was going, and anybody else who went had damn well better be ready to leave this (the drama) at home.

If I might offer a piece of advice - if it was a pretty big deal that you stood your sister up, invite her and her family over for dinner sometime soon. That way you’re offering to make amends for her inconvenience, and getting the social time that you missed because of drama. Bonus points if you can get your wife and daughter to tell humorous anecdotes about the argument that caused your absence with good will and giggles. :slight_smile:

22

Well, from the way you talk about her she seems like a lovely, bright woman who did much better in school than you but is overly analytical and very very…talkey. I’m not saying that to be mean because I myself am very much like that though the yoga has been mellowing me out. So yeah, I knew immediately it was her and not you.

PS: they got flattened and I live in front of the Rose Parade so I went outside to cheer them on. The band looked stoned out of their gourds. I felt half-embarrassed because I remember them being quite good. Maybe they pulled it together for the game. I did woot! at some alumni on the street who gave me a responding woot.

23

I would have gone to the party because the sibling was expecting me. Obviously you can’t control adults who are having tantrums, but I guess I don’t think “Now we’re just not in the mood to come” is a good enough reason to no-show to a small gathering you’ve already said you were going to, even if it’s “only” a family one. But families are different; without being judgy, maybe that sort of last-minute “on second thought we’re not coming” behavior is acceptable between you and your sibs and no one batted an eye. In my family, it would have been a big deal; there would have to be some serious sucking up on my part to get back in my sister’s good graces, and vice versa if the roles were reversed. So I think you owe your sister an apology, even if it’s only an e-mailed “hey, sorry 'bout that.”

As far as your family . . . I think your wife was acting ridiculously, but there seems to be little value in telling her so and turning a fight between her and your daughter into a fight between her and you. Your daughter was probably acting ridiculously too, but my expectations for level-headedness are different in a 20 year old than in a 40or 50 something year old. Whether that’s worth a fight with your wife is your call. :slight_smile:

24

All right. Here goes.

I met my wife at UofI. My 3 sisters met their husbands at UofI. I think we have 5 1st cousins who recently graduated from or currently attend UofI, and my son was just accepted there (tho he is not sure between there or Purdue). So this was to watch the UofI screw up a Rose Bowl.

No one in my family cares at all about any team sport, and neither I nor my wife have any great loyalty to my alma mater. I can guarantee not one member of my family could have named a single player on either team. My BIL has a widescreen downstairs, but I figured I’d spend most of the time upstairs chatting with my sisters or anyone else who didn’t care about football, maybe playing some ping pong. Lately I’ve really enjoyed talking to my nieces and nephews as the attend/complete college, get jobs.

My 2 BILs are pretty big fans, so earlier that morning we had suggested that everyone wear something orange and/or blue - basically to give the host a small kick out of it. Hell, I would have been fine with someone wearing blue jeans, and saying they were blue.

I had been at UofI’s last Rose Bowl debacle against UCLA 24 years ago, and jokingly said “Just so long as no one wears yellow or light blue. Those are the other team’s colors.” (Yes, that is how much of a fan I am! Isn’t that lovely irony?) My eldest daughter had said she was going to wear her newest t-shirt, which was dark blue, and is from her college’s marching band.

Flash forward to thge afternoon and we’re getting ready. Not only is daughter #1 wearing the dark blue t-shirt, but she borrows an orange courdoroy shirt from her mom to wear over it. Right as we are getting out the door, my wife comments about the fact that my daughter’s shirt has some light blue writing, collar and cuffs. Apparently she finds this objectionable, because - as I had said - light blue is one of the other team’s colors.

So that’s what my wife and her daughter are ostensibly screaming at each other about in the car on the way to a family gathering - the t-shirt my kid chose to wear, and told us she was going to wear that morning. A tee-shirt that is relatively new, well fitting, clean, and in good repair. (As with many family dynamics, I imagine it was about something other than - or at least in addition to - the t-shirt.)

I agree with those who say not to force the kids to go to various things. I’ve eased up in my attitude about such things over the years. I was just pleased my kids were all at least willing to go to a family gathering, and they all were reasonably groomed. And there are enough adults/cousins close in age that you can usually find something to do/someone to talk to for the couple of hours these thngs last. And the food is usually good!

Gotta duck out now. Enjoy a good laugh at my expense! :smiley:

25

Oh, good God. Poor Dinsdale and family. That has GOT to be one of the lamest excuses for a screaming fight between two adults that I’ve heard in many a year.

26

I agree and I would tell my sister that the disagreement was over something bigger…like abortion or world peace or something…anything but the truth! If my brother told me that he didn’t make it to my NY bash because of the real reason I would be pissed off if I wasn’t before! :stuck_out_tongue:

Good luck Dinsdale–you do realize this has all the markings of being turned around as ‘your fault’ since you brought up the subject to begin with!

I do hope overall that your wife apologized to the daughter, it really sounds like she was the one out of line. Your daughter is old enough to decide what to wear.

27

Gosh. That doesn’t make me feel like laughing in the least. I’m sorry you missed out on the fun.

No doubt your wife is a lovely person, but she just lost any points accrued from that earlier thread. Apparently she truly doesn’t know when to drop it.

Good luck dealing with whatever is actually afoot.

28

I’d shoot myself for being in such a fucked up family.

Ok, that’s a bit harsh and tongue in cheek, but that’s some pretty crazy arguing going on. First of all, light blue and yellow are the colors of UCLA. I don’t know how much you followed the game, but you might have noticed that the opposing team was wearing Red and Gold, because UofI played USC. You’re wife got upset about something she apparently didn’t have the slightest clue about. Then, to have that minor disagreement result in you actually turning around and going home is so far beyond my comprehension I don’t know what to say about it.

29

:eek:
So your wife thinks that you had a UCLA mole in your house–that light blue gave it away, no? Um, I thought they played USC, not UCLA this year–but I am no football person (I bring it up because USC’s colors are different). So, wife was wrong, wrong, wrong…
Gah. That is the dumbest reason for a screaming fight I’ve ever heard. Then again, it makes me feel MUCH better for all the petty fights I’ve had–never had one that bad.

I would call and apologize to my sister. And I would take wife aside and ask just what all THAT was about, anyway…

30

It’s kind of a creepy reason for a fight. Your wife sounds majorly controlling to me.

Also, weren’t you the poster who had that whole fiasco where your youngest may have been knotting together some rugs, and your wife felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by it? She seems high maintenance…

31

Sweet Jesus. That’s a crazy thing to fight about. Reminds me of my wife and mother-in-law before our wedding. :slight_smile:

Honestly, I think you handled it fairly well. I’d have kept my opinion to myself until the wife cooled off and/or pushed me to chime in, at which point I’d ask her “did you really just get into a screaming match w. X over what color the letters on her t-shirt were?” If pushed, I might also ask whether or not she was in fact crazy. Later, in private, I’d probably ask why she got so upset and whether there’s something bothering her about her relationship w. X that caused her to fly off the handle. If she flipped out in response to any of those questions, I’d table the discussion until she cools off but neither apologize nor validate her anger.

I’d have also gone to the party with any kids who still wanted to go, and the wife if she wanted to go. Wife has no right to be angry at you for going to a party without her.

32

Pretty much this. I agree with Jodi that in my family, canceling on an event at the last minute like that for basically no reason at all would have been cause for serious bad feelings. Maybe your family is different, but I still think an apology is definitely in order.

33

The fight between your wife and daughter sounds like one I’d have gotten into with my mother when I was came from college. It was tough for my mom to handle the fact that, when I was away at school, I was functioning as an adult-- setting my own bedtime and wake-up time, wearing my hair how I wanted, eating what I wanted. You know, stuff all adults do out there in the world. Mom could not handle that she no longer could control all my life decisions, and we fought over the stupidest shit imaginable, often to quite extreme levels.

I think your wife is having some issues letting go of the power of being Mom. She can’t tell her daughter what to wear anymore, and that pisses her off, so she’s making a big issue out of petty things like t-shirt colors in an attempt to regain control. It’s obvious who I’d side with in this situation. Your wife is being petty, and I’m really not sure how she could possibly justify it, though I would love to hear how she rationalized getting in a big fight about that topic. Care to share? I’d love insight into what my mom was thinking, since she passed away when I was 20, middle of my junior year of college, and we never really resolved the power issue.

Thus, I’m not sure how you’d address it, but it might be worth talking to your wife about how she’s handling the kids turning into adults. I know how you hate talking about your feelings :wink: , and you probably feel like this is a minefield just waiting for you to step into. However, stupid crap like this is bound to happen every time your daughter comes home if it’s not dealt with, so hey, up to you.

Good luck, dude. I have no more insight beyond that.

34

I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. Husband’s dad has been an 'SC fan his whole life, and two of his cousins went there while we are both Bruins (if it makes you feel better I was cheering for UofI yesterday). This time of year is…interesting. Very screamy. Last year when we beat 'SC I think my husband dropped trou and mooned old Petey. Yesterday I retreated to my fortress of solitude.

Anyways, I commiserate.

35

Or better yet, goad them into having the argument a second time, so your sister can see firsthand why it was necessary to bail out of the event. :wink:

36

unless of course his sister cancels at the last minute …

37

I wonder if Mrs. Dinsdale is going through perimenopause? Those hormones can really mess with you.

38

Agreed completely. Your wife is either incredibly controlling to a fault or nuts. While your daughter perhaps should have not argued with her, what should Daughter have done? Walked around topless?

39

ooookay… when i read your op, i figured on mom and daughter arguement clothes involved. i was thinking someone must be wearing 'britany" clothes (or not wearing in the case of britany styles), and mum objected. i was blindsided by your post explaining that it was small bits of colour related. that daughter was covered by not just one but 2 shirts. (i’m gonna bet she was also wearing the appr. unmentionables.)
i think it is your wife and daughter who owe sil and aunt an explaination and apology . there should be flowers and chocolate involved as well.

i do hope that things go better for y’all in the remaining days of 2008.

40

I agree with everything else you said, but I wanted to prod you for a story here. :slight_smile: