# How would you respond to the deferential wife scenario? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [July 2, 2026, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355 "2026-07-02T13:32:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2026, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/122 "2026-09-03T22:53:28Z")
Over the years, and especially the past few, I have asked, “Why would anyone want to be in an unhappy marriage with someone who (they think) can’t leave them?” ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/123 "2026-09-07T05:42:51Z")
There are some types for whom cruelty is the point. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2026, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/124 "2026-09-07T18:58:05Z")
Unfortunately, that is true, and it’s not just men against women. There are plenty of women who make their families’ lives a nightmare, and it’s also a big issue in the gay and poly communities. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/125 "2026-09-08T02:27:10Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > There are some types for whom cruelty is the point. I think more broadly that power and control is the point. That’s what I have to deal with every day in my marriage. My wife isn’t mean or cruel but she’s anxious. About everything. And that causes her to try to control and micromanage everyone and every situation and disproportionately overreact to situations. ---
**Author:** ![Cmyers1980](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyers1980/32/11814_2.png) [@Cmyers1980](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmyers1980)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/126 "2026-09-08T11:55:19Z")
That sounds like a very miserable way to live. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/127 "2026-09-08T13:37:58Z")
Probably more so for my wife as she never seems to be able to just turn off and enjoy stuff. I don’t want to hijack the thread with my amateur psychoanalysis of my family situation. But as it pertains to the discussion, I would describe my wife’s mother almost as a “deferential wife”. She is also very anxious about everything. So in my mind it manifests itself in this sort of people-pleasing personality where she has almost no thoughts or opinions of her own or seems to always require validation and assurance (particularly now that her husband is losing his mental faculties). I think the appeal for someone who is a “deferential wife” or in a similar relationship with a large power discrepancy is it feels “safe”. Or at least safer than having to make decisions on your own and possibly be wrong. You just have to worry about pleasing one person. If something doesn’t go right, you can always blame them and feel secure that you never had a real choice I suppose. The problem as I see it is not necessary about morality or ethics of such a relationship. It’s that the “deferential spouse” is positioning themself for significant risk where if that relationship ends, they may lack the personal skills to actually function as an independent person. ---
**Author:** ![Swords\_to\_Plowshares](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Swords\_to\_Plowshares](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swords_to_Plowshares)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2026, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/128 "2026-09-08T19:45:54Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > The problem as I see it is not necessary about morality or ethics of such a relationship. It’s that the “deferential spouse” is positioning themself for significant risk where if that relationship ends, they may lack the personal skills to actually function as an independent person. That was a significant problem for someone I know. She was a Southern debutante, married someone rich, and he later divorced her. She had to completely pivot her life to be more independent. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/129 "2026-09-09T08:24:53Z")
I’ve seen that scenario play out with elderly couples when one spouse dies, leaving the other unable to cope with the half of adult life they’ve never had to deal with. The widow who doesn’t understand and can’t cope with finances, where everything is in the husband’s name and she doesn’t know how to navigate dealing with the paperwork when her husband dies. The widower is fine with that side of life but hasn’t a clue how to cook or do laundry or clean and continues to live as if someone else is going to pick up after him. It can end in disaster - the destitute widow or the widower becoming malnourished and living in conditions so unhygienic as to be dangerous. Woe to them if they’re poor - the current threadbare support system expects all adults to be utterly competent in all ways and woe betide making a typo on your multi-page form. Some of the folks pushing this “lifestyle” are also insistent that marriage is for producing children – and yeah, they mean it, because they don’t seem to care what happens to people when they’re done raising their children and need help themselves. Or the marriage ends “prematurely” leaving one of the two people adrift. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/130 "2026-09-09T10:03:58Z")
Not sure if this is on topic, but as someone currently doing the online dating thing, I’d say ~50% of women’s profiles mention phrases like “is a leader”, “makes plans for us”, “knows what he wants”, etc. Granted, a lot of these are just trying to avoid guys who are sat in their underpants all day playing video games with no desire to advance in life. But I think most are genuinely seeking a relationship where they are brought into someone else’s world, becoming part of their activities, friends, holiday choices etc much more than the other way round. Not as black and white as the OP scenario, but somewhat passive, maybe something like a sidekick role. No judgement on my part – if both people in a relationship are happy, I don’t see a problem. I just wanted to point this out because many of the posts (I haven’t read all), are seeing it as either the OP scenario or entirely 50:50 decision-making as the only two scenarios. And a middle scenario is actually still really common. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/131 "2026-09-09T10:31:48Z")
As I mentioned somewhere up thread, in my 30 years with my late husband the “who is in charge” role was traded back and forth between us during those years. It was never a 50/50 split, but the balance did swing back and forth. You’re correct - there are multiple ways to structure a long-term relationship. A key point is that all parties are willing. Another key point is that even if a particular person isn’t doing something they are still CAPABLE of doing it. During my marriage my husband set the budget. Why? Because he was good at it. But after he died I didn’t have any problem budgeting for myself. I was always capable of it, it’s just that he did it better. I was always the chief cook, but when I had to travel, or was ill, or worked a long shift or two jobs he was capable of feeding himself or reheating something for me when I came home. I did the laundry… but he was able to do his own if I was away on extended travel. He took care of the vehicles… but after he died I was able to take that chore over with no problems. That, to me, is the big difference between the “deferential wife” or “tradwife” scenario some folks are promoting and what I considered a healthy relationship. My husband and I both were fully independent adults managing our own affairs in a competent manner when we married. After that we did adopt some “traditional” division of labor in our marriage but it wasn’t a hard, fast, rigid rule, we were very capable of changing lanes when needed, and no one was left as a half-adult when adversity hit. My husband was a leader - a successful entrepreneur, an engineer, a professional musician, a band leader, a teacher - but honestly when he came home he usually wanted to set that aside and let me do some of the “executive” work. His comment on that sort of marriage was that it must be _exhausting_ to be that sort of husband, having to make ALL the decisions all the time. And he genuinely supported me in some of my own ambitions (like getting a pilot’s license). Life requires adaptation. The sort of scenario described in the OP, and the tradwife lifestyle making the rounds, is the antithesis of adaptation. It tries to hammer people into roles they may or may not be individually suited for, and tries to keep them there for life. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/132 "2026-09-09T13:55:56Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I’ve seen that scenario play out with elderly couples when one spouse dies, leaving the other unable to cope with the half of adult life they’ve never had to deal with. The widow who doesn’t understand and can’t cope with finances, where everything is in the husband’s name and she doesn’t know how to navigate dealing with the paperwork when her husband dies. What I’ve mostly seen, in “traditional marriages”, is that he earns the money and she spends it. (One friend describes her marriage in exactly those terms.) Even if he makes the important financial decisions, she makes all the small ones (like grocery shopping) and she executes on his decisions (like actually paying the bills and often dealing with taxes, insurance claims, etc.) And so I’ve seen destitute widows with no skills to earn money, but if they make it to retirement, the widows do a lot better than the widowers. I’m sure it varies, but I’ve seen that pattern a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2026, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/133 "2026-09-09T18:02:02Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Even if he makes the important financial decisions, she makes all the small ones (like grocery shopping) and she executes on his decisions (like actually paying the bills and often dealing with taxes, insurance claims, etc.) Interesting. I manage the household finances and my husband manages our investments. I don’t have the mind for the kind of tedium needed to maximize our returns. The end result is I do most of the regular financial stuff. We currently make about the same amount of money. Eventually, if we ever catch a break, he can start making more by taking on more clients. I don’t feel like I’d flounder if I had to take over investments, I’d just keep it a lot simpler. The thing that would truly sink me if he died was keeping track of all the school stuff. He is 100% on top of his game there, remembering all the teacher reminders and giving out gift cards at the end of the year and making Halloween bags, if he had the time he’d be in PTO for sure. For me it’s just a mountain of shit to wade through. I’d be doing the bare minimum. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2026, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355/134 "2026-09-10T22:14:48Z")
One thing I learned in healthcare, in continuing education about cultural issues, is that there are people where, for instance, the wife leaves all decisions to her husband, and this must be respected because she may very well be OK with it. It’s not our job to judge them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-respond-to-the-deferential-wife-scenario/1031355.md?page=6)