# Human Resources jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 9, 2018, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321 "2018-08-09T06:17:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/1 "2018-08-09T06:17:20Z")
Hi, my friend works in Human Resources (HR.) Not always a fun job :smack:, so I’d like to cheer her up. So please could you post any HR jokes here. I have two so far, based on ‘funfair dismissal’ and ‘this time it’s personnel’. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/2 "2018-08-09T10:04:12Z")
_“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”_ “Kryptonite.” ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/3 "2018-08-09T10:17:20Z")
_“What would you say is your biggest weakness?”_ “Honesty” \* “I don’t think honesty is a weakness”\* “I don’t give a shit what you think” ---
**Author:** ![jonesj2205](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecc23a/32.png) [@jonesj2205](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonesj2205)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/4 "2018-08-09T11:27:10Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > _“What would you say is your biggest weakness?”_ > > “Honesty” > \* > “I don’t think honesty is a weakness”\* > > “I don’t give a shit what you think” That is funny. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/5 "2018-08-09T12:05:29Z")
Greg Hahn, a stand-up comic, has a whole routine on HR - I don’t have sound on my computer here at work, or I’d try to find it. But I think it’d be worth looking for. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/6 "2018-08-09T12:40:47Z")
The REAL human resources joke: any instance of the words “for you” or “your benefit”, or any similar meaning, in any HR communication with any employee ever. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/7 "2018-08-09T16:36:41Z")
A classic from _Office Space_ HR: I see you’ve been missing a lot of work lately Employee: I wouldn’t say I’ve been “missing” it ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/8 "2018-08-09T20:07:06Z")
When you come to the space on the HR form where it says “Sex?,” write “Yes, please.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/9 "2018-08-09T23:24:02Z")
**[VOICE OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD]** I once applied for a job as a “man Friday.” Turned out they only wanted me to come in one day a week! **[RIM SHOT]** I don’t get no respect! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2018, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/10 "2018-08-09T23:31:08Z")
HR: Why should I hire you? Me: Because this company needs someone who knows why he should hire people. * * * HR: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know that you don’t pay me enough to have a drug problem. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/11 "2018-08-10T04:15:30Z")
HR: Where do you see yourself in five years? Applicant: Running this company and firing anyone stupid and/or unimaginative enough to ask that question. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/12 "2018-08-10T04:36:51Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > HR: Where do you see yourself in five years? Applicant (if it’s Mitch Hedberg): “Celebrating the fifth anniversary of YOU asking ME that question…” ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/13 "2018-08-10T06:48:05Z")
These are great - many thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/14 "2018-08-10T07:38:35Z")
Ambiguous responses to reference checks: [ul] [li]You will be lucky to get him to work for you.[/li][li]I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.[/li][li]I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.[/li][li]She works without direction.[/li][li]He works effortlessly.[/li][li]There is nothing you can teach a man like this.[/li][li]Her true ability was deceiving.[/li][li]I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.[/li][li]I would say that his real talent is getting wasted at his current job.[/li][li]You won’t find many people like her.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/15 "2018-08-10T18:10:09Z")
> [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > Ambiguous responses to reference checks: > > [ul] > [li]You will be lucky to get him to work for you.[/li][li]I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.[/li][li]I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.[/li][li]She works without direction.[/li][li]He works effortlessly.[/li][li]There is nothing you can teach a man like this.[/li][li]Her true ability was deceiving.[/li][li]I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.[/li][li]I would say that his real talent is getting wasted at his current job.[/li][li]You won’t find many people like her.[/li][/ul] “I cannot praise this man too highly” was my dad’s favorite. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/16 "2018-08-10T18:13:59Z")
[quote=“Jeff\_Lichtman, post:14, topic:819321”] [li]I would say that his real talent is getting wasted at his current job.[/li][/QUOTE] Heh, the favorite one of the ones that are new to me so far in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/17 "2018-08-10T19:07:04Z")
Reason for leaving prior job: “Him find out what ‘kemo sabe’ really mean.” from the classic Johnny Carson sketch [Johnny Carson Tonto Bette Midler - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8uSUcAFiXc) From a real-life reference check: “He’s a diligent, conscientious, excellent worker. When he’s sober.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/human-resources-jokes/819321/18 "2018-08-10T19:22:10Z")
> [@mbh](#): > > Reason for leaving prior job: > “Him find out what ‘kemo sabe’ really mean.” > from the classic Johnny Carson sketch [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8uSUcAFiXc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8uSUcAFiXc) [https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d3/42/1c/d3421c4d22f7a7f22bfc32b849f13031.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d3/42/1c/d3421c4d22f7a7f22bfc32b849f13031.jpg)