# Humorous Sayings **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 18, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907 "2003-08-18T04:53:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![vasyachkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c5a1d2/32.png) [@vasyachkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vasyachkin)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/41 "2003-08-21T08:19:08Z")
this one you probably all heard : “life is a sexually transmitted disease” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/42 "2003-08-22T03:21:00Z")
Got this from the boi: “There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.” - Gore Vidal ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/43 "2003-08-22T03:32:34Z")
Actor/comic Tim Allen first coined this phrase, but I admit to having used it for my own personal experiences: “I’d rather pound my nuts flat with a wooden hammer than [insert activity here]” ---
**Author:** ![SunTzu2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5a626/32.png) [@SunTzu2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SunTzu2U)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/44 "2003-08-22T04:42:16Z")
How about: A bird in the hand is not worth more than a hand in the bush. ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/45 "2003-08-22T05:07:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by El Mariachi Loco \* > \*\*She has a body of temptation, and a face of repentance. \*\* A very Spanish saying! How about these: More annoying that fireants in your a$$. Slower than I.V. line of honey. His mother is a saint but he is a son of a bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/46 "2003-08-22T05:31:51Z")
His idea is like a lighthouse in the desert, brilliant but useless. ---
**Author:** ![Horrifying\_Howler\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Horrifying\_Howler\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horrifying_Howler_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/47 "2003-08-22T12:20:56Z")
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Jack Handey ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Bee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Larry\_Bee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Bee)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/48 "2003-08-22T14:38:55Z")
“May the road rise before you” – An Old Irish Saying “As quick as a snot sliding down a hot rasher” – A Not-So-Old Irish Saying ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/49 "2003-08-22T15:08:10Z")
“If you’re ever required to eat a turd, it’s best not to nibble at it.” “Forewarned is fore-armed; and four-armed is twenty-fingered.” ---
**Author:** ![elfje](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19b73/32.png) [@elfje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfje)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/50 "2003-08-22T15:14:45Z")
don’t know where this one comes from, but here goes: - stupid people can’t insult me, and intelligent people never would and along the lines of one bird in the hand: - 1 bird in the hand is better than no hand. and this on a bumper sticker: - live long enough to be a nuisance to your children ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/51 "2003-08-22T15:23:20Z")
“I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brushfire.” ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/52 "2003-08-22T15:34:36Z")
Just remembered two more: Old favorite, “Yep, it’s colder than a witch’s tit out there.” And, “Fast? That car runs like a raped ape!” I have no idea where my dad got that one. ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/53 "2003-08-22T18:02:01Z")
“Did you know that the word ‘gullible’ is not in the dictionary?” Dunno, picked it up on the SDMB, probably. ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/54 "2003-08-22T18:25:23Z")
Oh, and straight from the Pit (by **Larry Mudd** ): “When someone poops on the linoleum, you can be sure that in short order it’ll be a lot cleaner than it was before.” At least that one’s a proper saying. ---
**Author:** ![McDeath\_the\_Mad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a3d4f5/32.png) [@McDeath\_the\_Mad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McDeath_the_Mad)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/55 "2003-08-22T20:25:17Z")
Here are a few from my father (not the most PC person I know) - Shivering like a dog shitting razor blades - It’s raining so hard, it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock - He’s driving like a raped ape - Couldn’t hit a bulls ass with a bucket of rice at 2 yards - Colder than a witches tit - Blacker than a witches tit Enjoy MtM ---
**Author:** ![Dustpan\_Paw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Dustpan\_Paw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dustpan_Paw)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/56 "2003-08-22T21:09:32Z")
Go play in the traffic. Don’t let your mouth get your ass into something your feet can’t get you out of. Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash. Don’t just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm - say something! ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_Snerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/91b2a8/32.png) [@Elmer\_Snerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_Snerd)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/57 "2003-08-22T21:26:07Z")
Forgive your enemies. They HATE that. I’m not insane, I’m just misunderstood. Unless I misunderstood the meaning of “insane”. [link](http://www.ashfieldonline.com/d/20010802.html) A friend of mine, after someone made a very bad pun: “You’re gonna smoke a turd in Hell for that.” The learning curve has no guardrails. Be alert. We need more lerts. ---
**Author:** ![Palikia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@Palikia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palikia)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/58 "2003-08-22T21:34:55Z")
Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/59 "2003-08-22T21:40:53Z")
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907/60 "2003-08-22T21:43:23Z")
_er… sorry… Groucho Marx, I believe._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-sayings/195907.md?page=4)