# Humorous signs and warnings **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [March 6, 2022, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564 "2022-03-06T15:16:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2022, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/201 "2022-04-12T19:36:08Z")
After I noticed the beautifully colored bird, I noticed the purpley blue line around your lunula. That discoloration can be a sign of cardiovascular problems, undiagnosed or uncontrolled diabetes, and/or a buildup of toxic metals in the body. You don’t live near any hazardous waste sites, do you? Kidding, sort of. If you don’t, that line might be from what you are ingesting. Certain foods should not be consumed in high doses. Some of the foods to avoid are obvious, certain fish because of high levels of mercury. Here are some other foods to avoid in high doses: bone broth (lead), rice (arsenic), and mushrooms, nuts, chocolate, dried fruit, liver sesame seeds/sesame oil, and shellfish (copper). Even e-cigarettes have high levels of cadmium and and other heavy metals. Take care of yourself! Sorry for the hijack. BTORSP A sign above the bar at The Cow Pony: Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an a\*\*hole. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2022, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/202 "2022-04-12T19:44:04Z")
> [@saucywench](#): > > the purpley blue line around your lunula. That’s odd, I don’t drive a lunula. The picture was on day 10 of vacation, waking and baking each morning, shots and beers before breakfast. Multiple bottles of French wine with each dinner and Pelikkan beers with lunch. The fact I survived vacation is a testament to my good health. 🍻 ---
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2022, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/203 "2022-04-12T20:02:15Z")
Did that line go away after your vacation, or is it still there? I didn’t even mention beer and wine above. They contain elevated levels of arsenic, lead, and cadmium. One article I read suggested it may be due to the filtration process. Who wants a murky glass of wine, or a frosty mug of murky beer? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2022, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/204 "2022-04-12T20:10:40Z")
> [@saucywench](#): > > Who wants a murky glass of wine, or a frosty mug of murky beer? I’m a bit of a beer snob. No frosted glass for me, thanks. I like beer 45 - 55 F depending on style. And a hazy IPA is my favorite. I’m on meds for hypertension but haven’t been to a doctor in years. I’m all about quality over quantity of life at this point. But, cheers!! ---
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2022, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/205 "2022-04-12T20:23:28Z")
Here’s to staying positive and testing negative. - unknown Cheers! ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2022, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/206 "2022-04-13T01:38:46Z")
I’ll drink to that; especially as my Covid test came back [negative](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EjTE-6hVkAEUH2F.jpg)! ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2022, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/207 "2022-04-16T18:25:16Z")
Once I was shopping at a large nursery and I came upon a golden retriever who was ambling by with a piece of wood in his mouth. He stopped and looked expectantly at me so I held out my hand and said “give”. He dropped the wood in my hand. On it was painted “My name is Bobby. I am not for sale.” I said “good to know, Bobby,” and gave it back to him. He took it politely and walked away toward the ornamental shrubs. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2022, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/208 "2022-04-17T13:58:29Z")
OK, that is both hilarious and adorable. ---
**Author:** ![Crane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crane/32/3495_2.png) [@Crane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crane)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2022, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/209 "2022-04-27T23:54:07Z")
Today I was using my car navigator to find a rural address. I came to a large cemetery and the navigator says: “Your destination is ahead on the right” ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/210 "2022-04-28T00:34:30Z")
My GPS once directed me to drive through a playground. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/211 "2022-04-28T00:37:50Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > There is a sign that is not meant as a joke, “PLEASE DO NOT SPILL YOUR SEED ON THE GROUND”. I laughed. Heathens! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/212 "2022-04-28T01:26:02Z")
In the years before GPS, there was Mapquest. Somewhere in its programming it assumed that if two roads crossed, and neither was a limited access highway, you can turn onto one from another. Twice I found directions telling me to make a turn off a thirty-foot bridge onto the street below. ---
**Author:** ![kitap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@kitap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kitap)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/213 "2022-04-28T02:30:36Z")
When ghey were in Germany my sister and brother in law’s GPS went into hysterics when they declined to turn right and drive into a lake. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/214 "2022-04-28T11:33:58Z")
Back when GPS was a new thing and I had a Garmin, I was using it to find an address to look at a used boat for sale. I was getting close to the address, when the unit told me to turn right. The street I was told to turn onto was closed, totally torn up. Rather than risk getting lost, I put my Wrangler into 4WD and crept down the block. My gf was freaking out, but I made it. My defense if the police saw me was, “my Garmin said to turn right”. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/215 "2022-04-28T16:09:47Z")
> [@kitap](#): > > When ghey were in Germany my sister and brother in law’s GPS went into hysterics when they declined to turn right and drive into a lake. The last time we went to the Grand Canyon I decided to go to Cameron and come in the east entrance rather than the vastly more popular south entrance at Tusayan. Tooling west I was not paying much attention to the mileage shown on the navigator until, in the middle of nowhere she said, “Turn left in 1/2 mile.” Confused I slowed down and pulled onto the shoulder to stop where it wanted me to turn. It was a National Forest road and when I got out the phone to check the route it was ever so slightly shorter to get to Tusayan but was more than 50 miles of dirt road. “No thanks,” I said and continued on AZ-64. For at least 30 miles she kept pleading at me to, “Make a U-turn,” until giving up and routing us through the east entrance. I could almost hear the, “Fine!” before she did. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/216 "2022-04-28T16:51:42Z")
> [@DesertDog](#): > > I could almost hear the, “Fine!” before she did. Waze does that too. When she finally gets it through her circuits that the person physically present who is more familiar with the area chose a different alternative and condescends to recalculate, she sounds pretty huffy about it. ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/217 "2022-04-28T17:09:09Z")
[![](https://i.imgur.com/ea3JRwU.jpg) ](https://i.imgur.com/ea3JRwU.jpg) [![](https://i.imgur.com/61hw53G.jpg) ](https://i.imgur.com/61hw53G.jpg) [![](https://i.imgur.com/OhPGP01.jpg) ](https://i.imgur.com/OhPGP01.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2022, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/218 "2022-04-28T20:50:50Z")
My mom has told me of GPS getting confused on multi-level roads in Texas. A road at street level turns left, while one on an overpass over it turns right, or the like. And GPS isn’t very good at determining altitude. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2022, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/219 "2022-04-29T16:08:27Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > My GPS once directed me to drive through a playground. My car’s onboard navigation system gets confused sometimes. It’s claimed I was in the middle of a field, several times. Most hilariously, last summer we were driving from Vermont toward Albany, and the nav screen insisted that we were in Lake George. Not the town. The lake. We were driving our new car, the fanciest we’d ever owned, and it had a lot of bells and whistles - but not, as far as we know, pontoons and an outboard motor. A friend later suggested that this might have been caused by the time of day, and mountains - it was early evening, and perhaps the GPS signals were not great as a result. The earlier times, in the middle of the field", were also early evening, though not in a mountainous area. > [@RealityChuck](#): > > Twice I found directions telling me to make a turn off a thirty-foot bridge onto the street below. To be fair, if you are noodling along on Google Street View, and you click in the wrong place, you can teleport onto or off of an overpass 🙂 > [@DesertDog](#): > > I could almost hear the, “Fine!” before she did. Hah - back before I had a smartphone, I had a fairly nice flip phone (LG EnV), and I could opt to pay for voice navigation by the day or month. We got stuck in a traffic jam north of DC, and I wanted to bail onto side roads. It kept telling me to make a u turn in 200 yards or whatever. I’d pass that spot, and it would try to persuade me to take the next chance to make a U-turn. I swore I could hear the automated voice’s exasperation build before it finally gave up. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2022, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564/220 "2022-04-29T16:15:00Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > There is a sign that is not meant as a joke, “PLEASE DO NOT SPILL YOUR SEED ON THE GROUND”. I laughed. Pity there’s not another sign saying “Onan the Masturbarian, this means YOU, dammit!”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/humorous-signs-and-warnings/960564.md?page=12)