# Husband doesn't do squat around the house. How should I deal with it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 21, 2010, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198 "2010-03-21T03:15:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/81 "2010-03-22T19:53:27Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Can I unload my baggage in your thread? Because this drives me absolutely up the fucking wall, I tell you what. Now, we both work - I work a regular paycheck job. He runs his own business - three of them, actually. I get paid. He doesn’t. But he works longer hours. That’s running a business for you. > > It’s my house. We aren’t married. I pay the mortgage, keep the lights on, feed him, etc. Because I’m the sole breadwinner. The house is a shithole because we’re both slobs, but when I bring it up I get: > > 1. “You don’t do anything about it either.” True. > 2. “I work insanely long hours and come home exhausted.” Also true. > > So we’re both “right”, and he gets hurt when my answer to number 1 is that I pay the fucking mortgage and maybe it would be a nice thing for him to change the lightbulbs in the porch light after six months? You think? Since I have terrible balance and don’t like getting on ladders? And since I do all the “man” work around the house anyway as we still wouldn’t have a working toilet if I left it up to him? > > Yeah, I’m a slob. I’m a megaslob. But when anything does get cleaned, I’m the one who does it and I can’t fucking stand it. > > Ahem. Carry on now, I feel better. Sounds to me like he’s found his sugar momma. She keeps his businesses afloat, she helps him run his mayoral campaign, she puts a roof over his head and food in his mouth, and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. Maybe a healthy dose of rent payments would help him understand how good he’s got it, because then hed have to take a 4th job that actually pays him money. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/82 "2010-03-22T20:12:21Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > There’s a fine line, though, between “encourage to do better” and “criticize”, though, and you don’t want to cross it. Trouble is, some people are more sensitive to criticism than others, and one person’s encouragement to do better can be another’s criticism. > > There’s a huge difference between “Thank you for doing X. Could you please do Y?” and “You did X? How come you never do Y?” Yep, and one person’s encouragement is another person’s “well, that satisfied her, who knew I could get by with so little.” ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/83 "2010-03-22T20:14:33Z")
> [@Anne Neville](#): > > If and when he does do some housecleaning, how do you respond? > > Do you complain about how he didn’t do some other chores, or how he didn’t do a good job on what he did, or how he didn’t do whatever earlier? Do you re-do or touch up the chores he’s done, to make sure they’re done “right”? Do you say nothing- it’s his job to do this, so he shouldn’t expect to be acknowledged or thanked? > > Or do you thank him nicely for doing it? > > The former approach doesn’t exactly encourage anyone to do chores. Why would he want to do them, if the only thing that’s going to happen is that you’re going to complain about it? Then, it’s a choice between hearing you complain about how he did the chores (or about the chores he didn’t do), or hearing you complain that he didn’t do them. Not much difference there. It’s also extremely demoralizing to know you will never be able to do chores to your spouse’s standards. Why do them, if s/he is just going to re-do them after you do them “wrong”? > > You may think this is his job, and he shouldn’t expect to be praised for doing his job. But what does it cost you to thank and praise him for doing something you wanted? A couple breaths and a few seconds, that’s all. You know what some people like more than praise for doing chores? Not being nagged to do chores. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/84 "2010-03-22T20:31:13Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > It’s my house. We aren’t married. I pay the mortgage, keep the lights on, feed him, etc. . Girl, you aren’t just frustrated. You sound resentful. I don’t blame you, though. Has he expressed the desire to contribute more to your household’s finances? Or does he seem comfortable in being carried by you indefinitely, and only says the right things when you raise the issue? ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/85 "2010-03-22T20:38:02Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Housecleaner couldn’t do the work that needs to be done initially, really - how would she know where to put stuff? Honestly, we got SO MUCH DONE a few months ago, we were really rolling - and then he decided to run for mayor. I hope this doesn’t piss you off but I find this just hilarious. It sounds like a Simpsons episode; MARGE: Homer when are you going to clean out the garage?! HOMER: Can’t Marge, running for Mayor! ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/86 "2010-03-22T20:52:12Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Housecleaner couldn’t do the work that needs to be done initially, really - how would she know where to put stuff? Honestly, we got SO MUCH DONE a few months ago, we were really rolling - and then he decided to run for mayor. I just pray he isn’t running on a platform of cleaning up City Hall. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/87 "2010-03-22T21:00:37Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Girl, you aren’t just frustrated. You sound resentful. I don’t blame you, though. > > Has he expressed the desire to contribute more to your household’s finances? Or does he seem comfortable in being carried by you indefinitely, and only says the right things when you raise the issue? No, it’s an awful sore spot with him - he hates not being able to contribute money. He grew up in a family where the men were the breadwinners, and I know it really rankles to be so dependent on me. The businesses were actually doing quite well until the economy hit, so he’s in the same boat as a lot of other people - trying to wait it out, I guess. So what happens is that I argue very badly - I pick and pick and pick at the “but I pay the mortgage!” thing because in the heat of the moment I want to hurt him. Which is not the way to argue usefully, I know. I’m trying to be better about that. The election’s two weeks from now - after that hopefully we’ll get back on the good roll we were on with organization. Hey, mayor is a paying job! ---
**Author:** ![maplekiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@maplekiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maplekiwi)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/88 "2010-03-22T21:07:34Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > The election’s two weeks from now - after that hopefully we’ll get back on the good roll we were on with organization. > > Hey, mayor is a paying job! What if the loca news want to interview the candidate at home? (Or you could suggest to him that they might - its worth a shot! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/89 "2010-03-22T23:01:14Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > No, it’s an awful sore spot with him - he hates not being able to contribute money. That’s good. I mean, it’s not good that he isn’t able to contribute money, but at least he has enough pride to care. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/90 "2010-03-23T00:47:35Z")
Thanks to all who have chimed in. (And sorry for staying away for so long. I was kinda skeered to read the responses. I have started then ditched this thread before posting a gazillion times. I am relieved to find out that no one thinks I’m a high-maintenance bitch for wanting a relatively clean house.) Some background info. We’ve been married 32 years. If you want to read more about the dynamics of our relationship, [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=411814)’s a thread I started four years ago. It may explain a lot about why I have, as someone correctly pegged, a problem with confrontation. I think my marriage is beyond saving. He has never been available to me emotionally, but it took me a long time to figure that out. I have decided to stay for the sake of the kid (who is 14). My goal is to figure out some way to survive the next four years. Re: Has it always been like this? To some degree, yes. But there’s no question it’s gotten worse over the past few years. (The ranting – see thread linked above – has gotten much worse, too.) He used to have his “office” on the third floor (and that space is now thoroughly trashed). His mess stayed up there. But since he got a laptop, his crap has migrated into our primary living space. The kitchen situation has gotten exponentially worse, and I’m not really sure why. I have suggested on more than one occasion that he might benefit from talking to a counselor and/or seeking treatment for depression. He has not pursued this. What I have done so far: I’ve sought out a new psychiatrist (my old one left town) so I could get my depression meds adjusted. The adjustment seems to be helping, at least in terms of my energy level. I still kinda want to slit my throat every time I walk in the house, though. (OK, that’s hyperbole. My point is that the adjustment hasn’t made me not care about the squalor. And I wouldn’t want to be that numb.) I am working w/ the PDoc to find a therapist who can help me figure out a plan of action and work with me on various other issues (like my avoidance of confrontation, even when said avoidance is increasing my pain.) I had a cleaning lady (every other week) at one time, when my son was really little. I found it very stressful because I was the one who was getting up at 5:00 a.m. to declutter so the cleaning lady could clean. I am willing to explore this option again, though. My husband recently began collecting his very meager Social Security check, so there is a little extra income. As I said, it’s very helpful to know I’m not being completely unreasonable in my expectations. I acknowledge that I have not been dealing with it in productive way (yes, “enabling” is an apt term to describe it). So, thank you all again for taking the time to respond. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/91 "2010-03-23T01:03:19Z")
Missed the edit window. Why stay until the kid is 18? In addition to the whole issue of not wanting to subject my kid to monumental upheaval at this time in his life (he is very close to his father), I might end up with the short end of the stick. When I first began looking into divorce, I was advised by a lawyer that my husband could be seen as the primary custodial parent and that I would therefore be ordered to pay both spousal and child support. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/92 "2010-03-23T01:19:03Z")
IANAL, but it seems odd to me that your husband, who has a near-squalor level cleaning problem, and has no job, would be considered the primary custodial parent. That said, since your most recent post has made it clear that you no longer have any hope of preserving your marriage in the long-term, I’d start just removing his shit from the main living areas, with a shovel if necessary. I’m not kidding. Here’s what I’d do. Give him a deadline for cleaning up his shit from a particular area. When/if the deadline isn’t met, dump everything into a big garbage bag, or a box, or something. Store it out of sight. Give him a new deadline - if he hasn’t gone through the box/bag by then, it goes to the dumpster. Once you’ve de-trashed the main living areas, hire a cleaning service to come every so often to keep things reasonably neat and tidy as encouragement to keep it that way, and continue with your bagging/boxing routine. Try to keep everything as neutral and unemotional as possible. And good luck. I do not envy your situation. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/93 "2010-03-23T01:48:03Z")
Here’s a proposal, OP: Maybe by the time you’ve kicked his sorry ass out, same-sex marriage will be legal in your state if it’s not already. I am willing to move in and marry you, and take care of all of the housework and the cooking and the laundry. You will just continue to work like you do now, except your house will be clean, and I will not work, but stay home all day. Oh, and we’ll have to have an open marriage, because I’m not gay. Okay? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me- why doesn’t your husband think so? ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/94 "2010-03-23T01:59:41Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Here’s a proposal, OP: Maybe by the time you’ve kicked his sorry ass out, same-sex marriage will be legal in your state if it’s not already. I am willing to move in and marry you, and take care of all of the housework and the cooking and the laundry. You will just continue to work like you do now, except your house will be clean, and I will not work, but stay home all day. Oh, and we’ll have to have an open marriage, because I’m not gay. Okay? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me- why doesn’t your husband think so? That sounds AWESOME! Unfortunately, I live in Ohio. Same-sex marriage won’t be legal in our lifetimes. OTH, my employer extends benefits to domestic partners. Hmmmm… ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/95 "2010-03-23T02:31:46Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > That sounds AWESOME! Unfortunately, I live in Ohio. Same-sex marriage won’t be legal in our lifetimes. OTH, my employer extends benefits to domestic partners. Hmmmm… Ohio?? Oh, um… I just remembered I’m going to be busy washing my hair. (Unless you want to move to AZ.) ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/96 "2010-03-23T02:40:54Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Ohio?? Oh, um… I just remembered I’m going to be busy washing my hair. (Unless you want to move to AZ.) Thanks for getting my hopes all up! :mad: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/97 "2010-03-23T02:58:00Z")
I think your therapist will probably talk to you about expectations. If you really think you’re just hanging in there for four more years then you’ll be gone like a shot, you can adjust your expectations accordingly. You’re not aiming for a happy, functional marriage - you’re aiming for bearable for four more years. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s going to change or start pulling his weight, so your expectation for that needs to get realistic, too - you are likely going to continue working fulltime AND doing all the cleaning and tidying while you live with him. In some ways, that’s kind of freeing - you really don’t have much to lose here. Can you start with his office on the third floor - throw out the garbage and crap in it, and start migrating his stuff back in there again? It sucks and is not fair that you have to do all of this, but it sounds like that’s just the way it is - if you want a better living condition, it has to be you that makes it happen. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/98 "2010-03-23T03:07:54Z")
If you want a clean home and some help doing it talk to your son and ask him who his two messiest friends are and offer the three of them $20 each and all the pizza they can fit in their bodies if they will come and help you dejunkify your house. There is nothing a teenage kid won’t do for food and some cash and if you use his 2 messiest friends they will be less likely to judge him based on the mess so he won’t be so embarrassed. Then once it is decluttered hire a cleaning lady. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/99 "2010-03-23T03:10:30Z")
What would happen if you told him you’re only in the marriage until your son turns 18? Would that be an incentive for him to do something? But seriously, what if you were hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow? Why wait? Your son will be just as upset at 18 as he’ll be at 14. I’ve seen posts here from people in their 20’s and 30’s whose parents are splitting, and it’s nearly as difficult to deal with. I’d seriously consider moving out, even if you don’t start legal proceedings. It sounds like your mental health is at stake here, and unless your husband is willing to work on things, it might not be worth it to stick around. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198/100 "2010-03-23T03:46:21Z")
Again with the ‘move out’ advice. The thing is, I’ve seen no indications the OP is financially able to support two households, especially since it appears it would be a stretch to afford a cleaner every couple of weeks. Where is she going to come up with the money to rent another place for her and son to live? Double the rent, double the utilities… Does she simply stop paying the bills at her current residence? If it’s a house they own, especially if there is a mortgage, she could take a tremendous whack to her finances. And what happens when her husband sues her for support? She has acquiesced to supporting him these last ten years. A judge might wellorder her to continue paying for his living, at least for a year or so until he can find a job/get retrained. Though if he’s now officially retired, he might hit her with paying support for the rest of husband’s life. Anyway, besides talking to her therapist (excellent idea) she REALLY needs to consult with a lawyer. Even if she does stick it out for four years, there may be critical moves she needs to start now in order to leave her in a good position when the split comes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husband-doesnt-do-squat-around-the-house-how-should-i-deal-with-it/533198.md?page=6)