# Husbands, how do you cope.. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 26, 2011, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632 "2011-09-26T04:36:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/141 "2011-09-29T17:16:57Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > I’m sorry but this is not what I got from your comment. From your comment, I got the sense that men are able to control their hormones, while women are not. > > I got this because you said: > > I do not agree with this. I think most women **are** able to handle their hormones. I think _occasionally_ women, **as well as men** , let X (X being hormones or a bad mood) are not able to handle the circumstances and inappropriate lash out. Obviously there are outliers to this - women/men who rage out inappropriately more often than not. > > If this is not what you meant, my apologies. I was posing an equally absurd proposition to the idea that women should be excused for their behavior because of their hormones, and some nonsense that would follow if such a proposition were accepted. If a person can’t control their behavior within reasonable limits because of their hormones they need to be put in jail or hospitalized. No need to apologize, I communicate in weird ways. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/142 "2011-09-29T17:22:04Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I was posing an equally absurd proposition to the idea that women should be excused for their behavior because of their hormones, and some nonsense that would follow if such a proposition were accepted. If a person can’t control their behavior within reasonable limits because of their hormones they need to be put in jail or hospitalized. > > No need to apologize, I communicate in weird ways. Okay, fair enough - as to communication - my ability to interpret what someone writes can also be weird. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/143 "2011-09-29T17:45:40Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > For example, you yourself used a hyperbole about having to be locked up like a wolfman, the ‘media’ didn’t construct this analogy. Actually, it did. I lifted that joke almost directly from an SNL skit about “Annuale, the birth-control pill that lets you get your period only once a year.” Look, my basic take on this issue is: No, it’s not OK to go crazy and rageful and insult your partner or anyone else just because you have PMS, and it’s certainly not OK to excuse bad behavior because “it’s PMS, I can’t help it.” On the other hand, I think it’s ridiculous to expect people to completely conceal/control negative emotions, particularly when those emotions are severe. I feel bad for you if there’s someone in your life using you as a punching bag (literally or figuratively) every month and excusing it as PMS. That behavior isn’t OK. But expecting someone to completely eliminate all traces of a hormonal emotional disorder is unrealistic. You seem to feel that if PMS sufferers just tried _really, really, really hard_ – you know, the way they obviously do at work – that they could just sort of wish it away. It doesn’t work that way. Just because you’re able to keep yourself from mouthing off to the boss (and I think I’ve mentioned twice now that I personally have said some regrettable things at work due to this issue) and keep yourself from breaking the dishes doesn’t mean that you can behave completely normally as though nothing unusual is happening inside your head/body. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/144 "2011-09-29T17:50:55Z")
Threads like this make me so happy I am a gay man. Then again, the mood swings of a gay man are nothing to trifle with… ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/145 "2011-09-29T19:00:46Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I actually think this is more relationship-specific than being someone’s “god given right.” In my relationship, sometimes I’m in a shitty mood and being kind of pissy. Sometimes my husband is, too. Neither of us is horrible, but we’re not always our normal sunny selves, either. The important part is that both of us are okay with that. If either of us thought it was a big deal, it would be. But we don’t, because it’s not devolving into screaming matches or throwing things or anything like that. I think this is a very important point. I don’t live with our company’s CEO, so no, I wouldn’t let him see me get mad. I do, however, live with my husband. He’s the closest person to me in the world and has seen me on both good and bad days, just like I’ve seen him at his best and worst. That’s what happens when you live with someone for a long time – they see your ups and downs and not the polite face that many of us show to everyone else. Plus, while I would hardly get snippy with my CEO, I also wouldn’t sleep with him, tell him about my son’s poop, climb into his lap or kiss him. There is a LOT of behavior – good and bad – that I would never show anyone else but my husband because I love and trust my husband more than I love and trust anyone else. However, I realize that doesn’t make my husband a punching bag. For me, PMS tends to exaggerate minor irritations. It makes things that normally bother me a little bit bother me a hell of a lot. And I know this, so sometimes I say, “You know what, I just need to go for a walk and be alone for a bit. I’m off. Bye.” Then I come back feeling better or I’ve at least sorted myself out enough that I can explain my problem without crying. But, sometimes I simply can’t get away. Maybe I need to make dinner, the kids are all over me, a thousand things need to get done, etc. But sometimes I can’t leave. And sometimes the irritation boils over. It happens even when I’m not PMSing sometimes, but is more likely to happen when I am. My husband has his own times when he’s more likely to get irritated than others. It’s normal not to always be able to hold it together with the people you trust and love the most, especially when you live with them. No, you shouldn’t be an asshole. But when you are, you admit it, apologize and move on. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/146 "2011-09-29T19:29:24Z")
Summary of conversation once between Mrs G and me… Mrs G: I’m sorry for all that fighting…I was feeling moody G: That’s ok Mrs G: We don’t fight often. G: I know, it’s been a few weeks Mrs G: Yes G: About 3 or 4 Mrs G: Yes G: Usually about that long, huh. Every 3 or 4 weeks or so Mrs G: Yeah… G: Kind of regular. Pretty regular Mrs G: Um…yeah… G: A regular occurrence…a defined frequency Mrs G:…yeah? G: One might say…periodic? Mrs G: Yeah so? Wait a second…_pow!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/147 "2011-09-29T19:55:18Z")
I also don’t think it’s very funny when guys say “I just avoid her” or “Do whatever she says”. But then I hate “She who must be obeyed jokes”, too. Yes, I understand they are jokes - but they stem from something deeper, that women are at the core, irrational and hormonal and can be excused for the things they say, they can’t help it, the poor dears. So this has me alternately irritated with the women who condone such behavior - none in this thread - and the men who roll their eyes and put up with it. When the women do it, it makes us look bad. When the men put up with it, it also makes us look bad. You also have to remember that people are different. I am super hesitant to tell you how much of an effect emotions have on women sometimes, because I fear that will be instantly translated to “women can’t control themselves.” Every woman reacts differently, however. But the fact is, for one week out of four, I am extremely down. And I am fairly optimistic and cheerful for the other three. I don’t like this, I resent it, and I fight it, but there are months where I don’t even realize it. If I am already justifiably stressed out over other things in my life, **I may not even realize that at least some of the doom and gloom comes from the time of the month.** As do other women, I’m sure. I say all that to reiterate sometimes we just don’t even realize. Now. Do some women think that that is justification to treat their SOs like crap? Sure. Some women probably also let irritations that already exist come to the fore that week. Or like me, let other stresses bring them down even more. Or maybe they just think they need to be treated a little better for that one week. Or maybe they want to be. But whatever it is, good couples remember they are a team, and they either don’t snap at their SOs or if they slip up and do, apologize. It’s not carte blanche to act like an asshole, no - but we’re human and flawed just like everyone else and it happens. Not every woman does, though. Like everything it’s a nuanced example. And TBH, if I was acting like such a bitch, I’d expect my SO to come to me and tell me so, and then he’d expect me to fix it. Or at least try to fix it. As the other way - we had a time where my SO would come home from his very stressful job and snap at me, and I finally put my foot down and said I don’t mind sympathizing or even being a listening board but I was not to be the target of his displaced ire. I know I rambled a lot in this post, but I guess what I’m trying to say is - it happens - it doesn’t excuse it - but it makes it understandable - it’s incumbent on the receiving partner, too, to stand up and not take it and not be doormats ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/148 "2011-09-29T20:02:08Z")
I look at my husband as my partner in life. I get pretty bad PMS and it will likely lead to at least one crying-fest and need to go walk it off a month. So, he has to pick up some slack and listen to me bitch. (Not about him.) Big deal. I am the one who has to _feel_ all these emotions and him being there for those couple of days a month is no different than me helping him in other parts of our lives. The opinion expressed above, btw, is not mine but what my husband told me when I asked him about it (a couple of weeks later). If you can’t be upset around your family, are you a zombie? ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/149 "2011-09-29T20:12:34Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Meh. > Wait twenty-five years or so and it’s not an issue. It. Still. Happens. ---
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/150 "2011-09-29T20:33:03Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > \I also don’t think it’s very funny when guys say “I just avoid her” or “Do whatever she says”. But then I hate “She who must be obeyed jokes”, too. Yes, I understand they are jokes - but they stem from something deeper, that women are at the core, irrational and hormonal and can be excused for the things they say, they can’t help it, the poor dears. This. I once had a guy friend tell me that women were less capable of being President because PMS would affect their decision making abilities. He wasn’t joking. I’m deeply uncomfortable with the concept of being a slave to my hormones every month. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/151 "2011-09-29T20:33:58Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I also don’t think it’s very funny when guys say “I just avoid her” or “Do whatever she says”. But then I hate “She who must be obeyed jokes”, too. \ I agree 100% with the above. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/152 "2011-09-29T20:40:33Z")
> [@Giltathriel](#): > > I once had a guy friend tell me that women were less capable of being President because PMS would affect their decision making abilities. I thought that this sort of attitude was totally wrong and stupid, but based on some of the comments in this thread, where some women say that during PMS they feel like “suddenly everyone around me is doing things to deliberately annoy me” and they feel “RAGE rage rage justified rage”, and that it all feels perfectly rational and justifiable at the time, even though it doesn’t when PMS is over, I must say that, at least women who do suffer from this level of PMS symptoms are not great candidates for any elected office or position that requires their attention 100% of the time. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/153 "2011-09-29T20:42:28Z")
> [@Giltathriel](#): > > This. I once had a guy friend tell me that women were less capable of being President because PMS would affect their decision making abilities. He wasn’t joking. I’m deeply uncomfortable with the concept of being a slave to my hormones every month. It’s just life. It’s not like men aren’t influenced by their hormones, too. Testosterone levels vary with a lot of things. Amusingly, the brain chemical found to be most predictive of violent behavior in men? Serotonin, and it’s been suggested that testosterone modulates serotonin receptors. Sound familiar? It doesn’t seem to stop men from being president. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/154 "2011-09-29T20:49:27Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > I thought that this sort of attitude was totally wrong and stupid… It is wrong and stupid, because anyone who is particularly prone to rash and impulsive decision-making probably isn’t the best candidate for anything, yet we have plenty of male politicians who obviously lack impulse control. It doesn’t have to be a female thing, and you were just arguing that PMS is controllable. Either it is controllable, and there’s no reason to bring it up in regard to what women can do, or it isn’t controllable, in which case all of your previous statements about it being controllable are invalid. Plenty of the women who’ve posted about severe PMS symptoms have somehow managed to hold down jobs and avoid prison. Being dicks to one’s loved ones has jack all to do with public office-holding, or we’d lose a lot of our congressmen. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/155 "2011-09-29T21:04:20Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > It doesn’t have to be a female thing, and you were just arguing that PMS is controllable. Either it is controllable, and there’s no reason to bring it up in regard to what women can do, or it isn’t controllable, in which case all of your previous statements about it being controllable are invalid. I agree: If the women suffering from those severe symptoms can control them, then they are being jerks for not controlling them for their husbands. If they claim that they can’t control their “RAGE rage rage justified rage” then they can’t hold office. They can’t have it both ways. Also, you had mentioned the duration of controlling the symptoms as being part of the issue, namely, that maybe the symptoms can be controlled for a few minutes or hours at the office, but not for the days and years at home. Well, if one of the women with these severe PMS symptoms becomes President, they would have to control that behavior for 4 or 8 years. So, if they can control it for 4 to 8 years while in office, they should be able to control it during the several years of their marriage/relationship. If they can’t control it for that long, they can’t hold that office. > [@](#): > > Being dicks to one’s loved ones has jack all to do with public office-holding It’s not about being a dick to their husband that has to do with public office, it’s the fact that they start feeling that “suddenly everyone around me is doing things to deliberately annoy me”. This raises all sorts of red flags that their rational brain isn’t functioning properly during that time. If you want a President, male or female, who during a few days each month starts having irrational thoughts about everyone else’s behavior, that’s your preference, but I wouldn’t want such a President. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/156 "2011-09-29T21:07:54Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > So, if they can control it for 4 to 8 years while in office, they should be able to control it during the several years of their marriage/relationship. If they can’t control it for that long, they can’t hold that office. If by “not controlling it” you mean, “acting snappish or saying something unkind,” which is what most people seem to be complaining about with PMS sufferers. If so, then I assume you think our current and previous presidents are unfit if they’ve done either of those things? Because, obviously a man who occasionally says things that are hurtful or snaps at people is equally unfit for public office. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/157 "2011-09-29T21:15:48Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > If by “not controlling it” you mean, “acting snappish or saying something unkind,” which is what most people seem to be complaining about with PMS sufferers. Yes, it’s such a mild problem. It’s only an issue of “acting snappish or saying something unkind”. Nothing more severe than that. Given that the problem is merely that women sometimes “act snappish or say something unkind,” I’m beginning to wonder what all these men are complaining about, why so many of them are giving various tips on how to avoid their wives during PMS, when all that would happen is that they would hear something ‘unkind’. They’re so sensitive! ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/158 "2011-09-29T21:25:17Z")
Spock says: Only Hillary could go to Holland. ---
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/159 "2011-09-29T21:35:08Z")
Okay, so what **are** all these men complaining about? Serious question. I have irregular periods and I have a hard time telling PMS cranky from regular cranky. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632/160 "2011-09-29T21:43:09Z")
I am a poor candidate for public office for a variety of reasons, and severe PMS is one of them. If you can point me to anywhere in this thread that I’ve indicated that I think all women suffer from severe PMS or even suffer from PMS at all, I’d appreciate it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/husbands-how-do-you-cope/597632.md?page=9)