# I am GOD
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [August 23, 1999, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005 "1999-08-23T21:17:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@GOD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GOD)
#### Post date: [August 23, 1999, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/1 "1999-08-23T21:17:00Z")
I am neither man nor woman, yet both and more. I am everyone; I am nobody. I yam what I yam. I am he as you are we and they are we and we are all together. I am the Alpha and the Omega; also the Omni. UB40, I be eternal.
Oh, and stop grovelling. Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “I’m sorry this and forgive me that and I am not worthy”…now KNOCK IT OFF!
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### Author:  [@Leslie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leslie)
#### Post date: [August 23, 1999, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/2 "1999-08-23T21:25:00Z")
Hey, GOD. How’s it goin’? Listen, I just wanted to stop a moment and be sure to thank you for all the good stuff. You know, baby giggles and snow-capped mountains and Milano cookies and pretty sunsets and burps that feel really good. That sort of stuff. You’re the best! YAY GOD!
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I think you’re _smarter_ than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans
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### Author:  [@Contestant\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contestant_3)
#### Post date: [August 23, 1999, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/3 "1999-08-23T21:32:00Z")
Yes, but are you Milli Vanilli? I hardly think so…
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Contestant #3
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### Author:  [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)
#### Post date: [August 23, 1999, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/4 "1999-08-23T22:46:00Z")
I always get a laugh when I mouseover the email icon on one of your posts so I can read “Click Here to Email GOD”
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/5 "1999-08-24T00:01:00Z")
Well GOD, I’m gonna do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not because of rules laid out in an old and frequently retranslated book.
O.K. with you?
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### Author:  [@GOD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GOD)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/6 "1999-08-24T00:42:00Z")
Yes, slythe, that is fine. Try not to be mean to the folks that need a rule book.
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/7 "1999-08-24T01:04:00Z")
Why should I be mean? They do such a good job of killing each other off. I just stand back and watch.
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### Author:  [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/8 "1999-08-24T05:06:00Z")
Well maybe you’d deign to explain a few things then.
Like the Holocaust. You allowed your Chosen People to be treated like that? What was the point there? A nicely aimed bolt of lightning could have saved millions of lifes. Or were you just feeling a little lonely?
Or the whole “sacrifice” concept - what’s that about? You started off demanding bits of sheep or goats, and then you decided we should sacrifice your own son? Very nasty, in my opinion.
And this Bible thing. Couldn’t you have provided a little practical information, like “this is how electricity works” or “watch out for rats - they carry plague.” But no, just a lot of “thou shalt nots” - very helpful.
Pfui.
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### Author:  [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/9 "1999-08-24T05:08:00Z")
er…lives. The devil made me do that.
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### Author:  [@Leslie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leslie)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/10 "1999-08-24T05:25:00Z")
Asemayo, how do you know our GOD wrote that book you’re talking about? I personally believe it was written by a lot of old Jewish guys a long time ago. That book could be flat out _wrong_. I happen to think a lot of it is.
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I think you’re _smarter_ than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans
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### Author:  [@GOD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GOD)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/11 "1999-08-24T06:00:00Z")
Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things? I’m pretty much hands-off when it comes to human affairs. Keep in mind that there are fates worse than death. BTW, sacrifice was a human idea, too. As far as the Bible goes, there’s a lot of good stuff in there if you pick through the awkward translations. I didn’t write it, though.
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### Author:  [@Pooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pooch)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/12 "1999-08-24T06:34:00Z")
God, of course you know that I posted in another thread that I won $20,000 at the horse track, and that towards the end of the race you probably remember me saying something like, “Oh God, please!! I’ll do anything just let me win this race. Oh God, please, I’ll quit smoking, cut back on the single malt scotch and try to be a better person…in fact I’ll give up gambling, God, if you just let me win this one race!”
Well, forget it. It was all bullshit. In fact, you owed me one. (Big raspberry here)
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### Author:  [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/13 "1999-08-24T06:51:00Z")
GOD spake:
“Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things?”
He should certainly be blamed if he also built the people.
So, you created the world and everything in it - including us - and then abnegate all responsibility. Bah! Zeus was a much better god than you. And a lot more fun.
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### Author:  [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/14 "1999-08-24T08:43:00Z")
Well, I guess we know what this makes me…
* * *
Brian O’Neill
CMC International Records
[rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html](http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html)
ICQ 35294890
AIM Scrabble1
Yahoo Messenger Brian\_ONeill
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### Author:  [@Neobican](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neobican)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/15 "1999-08-24T09:29:00Z")
Why is the poster “GOD” actually claiming to be God?? I mean Satan does not claim to be the mighty dark lord himself. Whats with the charade? Personality complex, what? Im definitely not a bible thumper, but the fact that someone has taken it upon themselves to pose as the highest religious figure which billions of people worldwide over thousands of years take seriously, seems like the biggest act of perjury in history.
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/16 "1999-08-24T11:04:00Z")
Yeah, Neobican, and why does God need to post through the auspices of America OnLine? Wouldn’t the real God be his/her/its own ISP? Like, [www.creation.net?](http://www.creation.net?)
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/17 "1999-08-24T11:06:00Z")
Aw, jeeze, wouldn’t ya know it? That turned out to be a real website for a bunch of Korean Creationists! Don’t go there, God! You won’t like what you read!
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### Author:  [@the\_first\_supraliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_first_supraliminal)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/18 "1999-08-24T11:29:00Z")
Hehe, that’s pretty funny, DIF.
By the way, GOD, I never received an answer for my ultimatum, you know, or you **should** know, the one about the million dollars or a bolt of lightning?
Jesus! I mean GOD! Do I have to be Oral Roberts for you to talk to me?
* * *
¾È ³ç, ÁÖ µ¿ ÀÏ
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/19 "1999-08-24T12:04:00Z")
GOD, MAN here. Just remember, I made you, and I can break you. I made you in MY image, so I know all the secrets.
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### Author:  [@gypsy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gypsy)
#### Post date: [August 24, 1999, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-god/2005/20 "1999-08-24T13:55:00Z")
God, just a one bitch here…why is it that whenever my ship comes in, you have me waiting at the airport?
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Unforgiven
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