# I am in mourning for the Christmas Phallus. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 7, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212 "2005-04-07T14:15:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/1 "2005-04-07T14:15:22Z")
Let me explain. We live in the country, among simple people who have their own, long-held traditions regarding things like zoning, and building permits, and the difference between a scrap heap and a residential yard—namely, that they don’t particularly hold to such notions. Trailer homes are not confined to mobile home parks. Nor are they permitted to roam freely, of course, as we do have _some_ standards. No, they are tethered down, but in the midst of large residential lots, sharing space with several immobile cars, a shed or two (one usually in a state of construction), piles of salvaged building materials, and possibly a horse paddock. Along our road, one will find many intriguing specimins of sheds, porches, and the like that don’t seem to conform to the Laws of Man, God, or Euclidean Geometry. Particularly popular is the trailer home which has been enhanced by a deck which, a few years later, turns into a screened-in porch, and then, over time, evolves into a bedroom. A bedroom without a single right angle, and precious little insulation, and with a door giving direct access to the outdoors, mind you, but a bedroom none the less. The tradition of the extended family, of children moving back in when they have children, is very, very strong. The trailer of a thriving family is liable to have more than one such improvised room clinging to it, hanging off it, or sidled up next to it. And before such a trailer-home-plus once proudly reared the Christmas Phallus. The Christmas Phallus was once a tree. It was never a _Christmas_ tree, per se, having been of a decidious variety, and, indeed, it has been many years since it ceased to be a tree at all, having yielded to old age and become frail and dangerous. The property owners had the tree taken down, but not entirely. For reasons of their own, they left a stump. But not just one of your piddly, chopped-off-at-the-knees stumps, oh, no sirree. This was a magnificient eight foot high stump, square in front of the residence, standing watch over the little trailer, year in, and year out. Now, around Halloween time, as you well know, people everywhere get a certain urge, the urge to stave off the darkness of the long nights, to brighten the hearts of their fellow man with displays of Christian spirit, to transform the mundane and familiar world into a winter wonderland. And, being the proud owners of an eight-foot-tall stump, our dear neighbors, motivated by the desire to express tidings of comfort and joy to all those who traveled past their homestead, created a Christmas display of their own. Yes, they took strings of wee Christmas lights, of many festive colors, some blinking, and some steady, and they wound them about their stump to create a beacon of light and cheer that shone through the night. Yes, my friends, it was the Christmas Phallus. Glimmering in the night, the luminescent Christmas Phallus welcomed the season. And, not ones to put their lights under a bushel, the owners of the Christmas Phallus let it shine, let it shine tall and proud, until Easter. Travelers just passing by on the road at evening time, unfamiliar with the area, never having seen the marvelous eight-foot stump by daylight, upon seeing its scintillating sillhouette, proud and resplendent in the darkness, were often wont to remark, “God Almighty, what the hell is _that_ supposed to be?” There were three traffic accidents at that two-way stopsigns near the Christmas Phallus last winter, and two the year before, most likely due to a truncated line of sight because of the hillcrest just above the corner on the main road . . . but, then, you never know. But, with deep regret, my friends, I must inform you of the passing of the Christmas Phallus. As I passed by this morning, I was deeply pained to see the Christmas Phallus prostrate on the lawn before the enhanced trailer home. There were no lights of course, the time of proper Christmas displays having passed with the coming of the Easter Bunny. The Phallus had been segmented by a chainsaw, its thick, sturdy trunk now divided into fat logs, each laid gently in a pillow of its own sawdust. It was a sad sight, but, also, in a way, peaceful. It’s painful for us to acknoweldge that, with the passage of time, all things are lost to us, even those who we had come to think of as immortal institutions. And, yet, I am comforted by a thought that the Christmas Phallus _will_ shine on. It will shine on in our hearts, as each of us shows our love to our fellow Man at Christmas time—and all year around! The Christmas Phallus is part of all of us. But, mostly, I am joyful that I will never have to see that ugly-ass think lit up at night again. **RIP Christmas Phallus, 1998-2005** ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/2 "2005-04-07T15:39:49Z")
A well told tale, bringing back memories from my own youth when we lived in a Trailer and had neighbors similar to yours - indeed, your neighbors could nigh-well be their descendants. You never know. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/3 "2005-04-07T16:55:58Z")
_sniff_ A beautiful story. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/4 "2005-04-07T16:57:06Z")
_sniff_ That was beautiful, man. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/5 "2005-04-07T16:59:01Z")
Yipes! simulpost. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/6 "2005-04-07T18:19:57Z")
No pictures of the Christmas Phallus? ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/7 "2005-04-07T18:56:22Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > No pictures of the Christmas Phallus? 'Fraid not. I had never dreamed of a day when it would not be there. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/8 "2005-04-07T19:32:37Z")
A well written tribute. But I gotta tell ya… …the mental picture conjured up by the mention of a chainsaw cutting a phallus into segments was enough to cause my testicles to crawl up into my abdomen. I _HOPE_ you’re happy! ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/9 "2005-04-08T13:46:42Z")
Sorry, **GrizzRich**. The story of the Christmas Phallus is meant only to spread joy and pieces—er, I mean, peace. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/10 "2005-04-08T14:41:53Z")
God bless us, everyone! (Somebody had to.) ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/11 "2005-04-08T14:54:58Z")
This will soon be a 30 min Chirstmas special and will star Dakota Fanning and Fran Dresher. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/12 "2005-04-08T16:26:09Z")
Oh, Christmas P Oh, Christmas P Your flashing lights Delight us. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/13 "2005-04-08T16:34:39Z")
**Podkayne** , great OP. I want to have your children! 😉 Alas, I regret that there are no pictures of the _ahem_ glory of the Christmas Phallus. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/14 "2005-04-08T18:31:14Z")
My aunt and uncle had a similar item in their back yard. Although it would more properly be called the Grafitti Phallus. It was also an 8-foot or so deciduous(SP?) stump. The height may be off due to only seeing it as a child, but it was tall enough to see the places where the branches used to be. Rather than a festive seasonal display, the Graffitti Phallus celebrated the urban artiste. It was originally painted top to bottom with pale yellow house paint (why? who knows. This is the Hypno-Toad family. We’re just nuts). But to this crappy canvas was added streaks and designs with silver paint done with a full sized house painting brush. And on the top, someone had upended the dregs of a bucket of white paint to run down the top of the trunk. So if there was one holiday it could be associated with, it’s Easter. Thanks **Podkayne** , for dredging up this white trash memory for me. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2005, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/15 "2005-04-09T00:01:39Z")
You know, when I started reading the OP, about the sawed off tree, I was afraid I was going to find out that someone had done some chainsaw art and actually carved out the shape of a phallus. Then the rumors would have started, about Satanist, obsxene rites, and ritual sacrifices. And the poor…stump… would have been “uprooted” by the angry torch and pitchfork bearing townsfolk. In their righteous wrath they would burn the phallus. But in the “surprise” epilogue scene, in a hidden greenhouse, you would see someone toiling away with several young saplings and acorns, taken before the phallus’ untimely end. Phallus II, anyone? ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/16 "2005-04-09T00:11:45Z")
I’ve avoided this thread till now thinking it would involve some terrible, horrible dildo mishap that would forever change my views on human sexuality. I’ve got to learn to just jump in with both feet. Great OP. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2005, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-in-mourning-for-the-christmas-phallus/298212/17 "2005-04-09T04:00:26Z")
::clapping madly:: A wonderful testament to a sight I wish I’d had a chance to encounter. Thank you for sharing the Christmas Phallus. May it rise again, if only in spirit.