# I am interested in studying how gender dynamics work in marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2018, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090 "2018-02-03T07:22:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2018, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/21 "2018-02-03T19:00:25Z")
> [@madsircool](#): > > With communication and a willingness to listen and evolve this doesn’t have to be a big issue. I was going to say that communication is the number one thing. Communicating about the stresses of marriage and being able to work things out and face external problems together is a big help. Been happily married for almost 40 years, so I do have some experience. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2018, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/22 "2018-02-03T19:04:53Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Everyone gets sick and tired of everyone else’s shit after a while. > [@madsircool](#): > > With communication and a willingness to listen and evolve this doesn’t have to be a big issue. True. But OP asked: > [@Luciano700](#): > > How does most relationship frustration ignite? > That’s a big question I have. …not how to work things out. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2018, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/23 "2018-02-03T20:39:56Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Lesson 1. > > Use smaller words and ask more direct questions. ex. If you want to ask about dating, say so. Don’t bullshit around the bush with “gender dynamics”. It doesn’t mean what you think it means and you won’t learn anything by trying to sound more clever than you are. Exactly. Because … > [@Voyager](#): > > I was going to say that communication is the number one thing. Communicating about the stresses of marriage and being able to work things out and face external problems together is a big help. > > Been happily married for almost 40 years, so I do have some experience. If the dynamics include both doing their best to clearly understand what the other wants, to meet those wants to the degree they reasonably can, to acknowledge on talk about the ways in which they cannot and why, and to clearly articulate their own wants making sure that it is understood and using the language that the partner hears … then you are doing better than most of us and the frustrations that ignite will not burn hot. Not doing that is how those frustrations become the three alarm blaze that not only threatens to burn the building but risks damaging others as well. I readily admit that my wife and I have not always been perfect in those dynamics. We likely never will be. There have been frustrations as a result. But after three decades plus we _are_ still committed to continuing to try to get better at it. That’s more the accomplishment I think. Committing to that continual quality improvement process, taking the frustrations that result because of the above breaking down somehow, as they occur (and they will occur for most all), as opportunities, not to blame each other, but to improve the process, helps a relationship endure. Definitely getting better at that. Early on that process really has to checked very often. Each really needs to be sure that they are understanding the other and that they are being understood when it comes to what each other wants and what each can or will or will not do in response to the other’s wants … figuring out the sometimes rapidly moving target of possible intersections. But don’t excessively assume you understand each others wants as the years go on. Those wants can change as life throws life at you each, that targeted intersection can jerk around without apparent warning. Again, still working on it as a couple ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/24 "2018-02-04T00:25:27Z")
It’s easy. I don’t try to control her life. I don’t try to control my life. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/25 "2018-02-04T01:14:23Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It’s easy. > > I don’t try to control her life. > > I don’t try to control my life. This. But I do try to control how I respond to events in my life. And I do still try to control my bladder. ---
**Author:** ![BuckChongo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@BuckChongo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckChongo)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/26 "2018-02-04T02:25:44Z")
Study math and engineering instead so you can pay off your student loans after graduation. Think about useless stuff while cleaning house. 33 years with S.O. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/27 "2018-02-04T02:32:59Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Early on that process really has to checked very often. Each really needs to be sure that they are understanding the other and that they are being understood when it comes to what each other wants and what each can or will or will not do in response to the other’s wants … figuring out the sometimes rapidly moving target of possible intersections. But don’t excessively assume you understand each others wants as the years go on. Those wants can change as life throws life at you each, that targeted intersection can jerk around without apparent warning. > > Again, still working on it as a couple ourselves. The job never stops. It still pays to ask what the real problem is - often not the thing that seems to be causing the problem. It also helps to know that a bad night of sleep makes someone grouchy, and so you can (silently) laugh off obnoxious behavior. But communication before marriage may be even more important. Communication doesn’t help if your views of something, like money, are fundamentally different. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/28 "2018-02-04T02:35:32Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > True. But OP asked: > > …not how to work things out. > > 😉 But not communicating is why relationship problems ignite. When you do communicate, you discover that the big problem is a misunderstanding. Assuming you’re compatible. If you aren’t, it might mean that it is time to split. ---
**Author:** ![Luciano700](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Luciano700](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Luciano700)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/29 "2018-02-04T05:15:43Z")
Interesting and creative response guys, nice! I was gonna ask something more deep like sexual fustration, but I think that some of this can already answer it. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/30 "2018-02-04T06:25:59Z")
99% of sexual frustration is communication issues. For the rest there is viagra. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/31 "2018-02-04T09:58:58Z")
I think this is about crying to get what you want. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/32 "2018-02-04T13:55:11Z")
> [@Luciano700](#): > > Interesting and creative response guys, nice! Nothing about anything people have replied is in any way “creative”. People are answering your question from a place of sincerity and experience, not some manufactured creative process. > [@Luciano700](#): > > I was gonna ask something more deep like sexual fustration, but I think that some of this can already answer it. How the hell can you infer anything of a sexual nature from what people have posted thus far? I remind you, don’t leap to conclusions about things you obviously know nothing about. Ask a clear and specific question if you want to know something. People will usually try to help you understand if they sense your inquiries come from a place of sincerity. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/33 "2018-02-04T13:59:22Z")
If you learn nothing else from your time with us, I hope you learn that asking direct questions will bring you accurate answers. Don’t hint, and don’t ask fuzzy questions trying to extrapolate the answer you want. ---
**Author:** ![Luciano700](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Luciano700](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Luciano700)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/34 "2018-02-04T18:15:05Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > I think this is about crying to get what you want. What? ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/35 "2018-02-04T18:22:22Z")
> [@Luciano700](#): > > What? No, whaa! ---
**Author:** ![Luciano700](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Luciano700](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Luciano700)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/36 "2018-02-04T19:35:25Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > No, whaa! ☹ :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/37 "2018-02-04T20:34:33Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > No, whaa! Aaaah…?.. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2018, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/38 "2018-02-04T23:27:25Z")
Yes, crying. “gender and the power relationships that define them”. Tears for power. Not gender-neutral. Fainting used to work, too. Fine houses were furnished with fainting couches, so one gender could use it as a peresuasive device (if not a weapon) in a power relationship. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2018, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/39 "2018-02-05T00:55:26Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Yes, crying. “gender and the power relationships that define them”. Tears for power. Not gender-neutral. > > Fainting used to work, too. Fine houses were furnished with fainting couches, so one gender could use it as a peresuasive device (if not a weapon) in a power relationship. Crying is not inherently manipulatively and not crying isn’t inherently more honest. That’s a stereotype that allows men to discount women for being either “too emotional” or “manipulative” for a natural response and praise themselves for being “more logical”. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2018, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090/40 "2018-02-05T02:36:10Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Yes, crying. “gender and the power relationships that define them”. Tears for power. Not gender-neutral. > > Fainting used to work, too. Fine houses were furnished with fainting couches, so one gender could use it as a peresuasive device (if not a weapon) in a power relationship. I’ve tried that. Usually I just wake up with my wife standing over me with the same pissed off look on her face. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-interested-in-studying-how-gender-dynamics-work-in-marriage/808090.md?page=3)