# I am living in a crack house
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [December 7, 2004, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615 "2004-12-07T20:42:24Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/1 "2004-12-07T20:42:24Z")
You all remember the continuing saga of my downstairs neighbors, the Kallikacks? The people who put a giant inflatable Scooby-Doo on the front lawn? She’s a drinkin’, smokin’, druggin’ welfare Mom; he’s her married jailbird boyfriend, and they both regularly beat the tar out of one another. The landlord (who doesn’t live in the house) is not about to evict them, as he gets his rent check straight from welfare.
Well. This week I spot this while perusing the local paper’s Police Blotter (oh, yeah, like you don’t read those, too!):
" . . . following a dispute at Burger King [!], police arrested Brandine Kallikack, 44, at her home in Evetown, for possession of two glass vials of suspected crack cocaine [!!]. She was released on recognizance." On recognizance of her parolee, abusive boyfriend, I might add.
Now mind you, _this is a nice neighborhood!_ I have long since stopped feeling sorry for anyone in this mess except little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza, their daughter, who bounces in and out of Child Protective Services (which, in NJ, means putting her in front of the Opera House with a basket of violets).
_Yikes._ I just hope if there’s a murder/suicide, as there’s _bound_ to be sooner or later, they don’t torch the house.
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/2 "2004-12-07T20:58:10Z")
Probably due to my increasing lunkheadedness I am very happy with myself when I get obscure references. My eyes lit up when I saw mention of the Kallikacks. Maybe it’s a Jersey thing.
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### Author:  [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/3 "2004-12-07T20:58:46Z")
Just pretend you’re a spectator in an Emile Zola novel.
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### Author:  [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/4 "2004-12-07T21:04:40Z")
A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack _home_.
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### Author:  [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/5 "2004-12-07T21:05:04Z")
I half expect this (with so much disfuntionallity) to be made into a sitcom on Fox. :rolleyes:
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### Author:  [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/6 "2004-12-07T21:12:45Z")
> [@jk1245](#):
>
> A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack _home_.
Throw pillows, perhaps?
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/7 "2004-12-07T21:43:46Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#):
>
> I half expect this (with so much disfuntionallity) to be made into a sitcom on Fox. :rolleyes:
Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.
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### Author:  [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/8 "2004-12-07T21:48:12Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.
Nah, Fanny Brice (with the help of a time machine set to the New Amsterdam Theatre in 1911 and some chloroform)
Maybe Zasu Pitts.
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### Author:  [@Number](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Number)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/9 "2004-12-07T21:54:36Z")
> [@lieu](#):
>
> Throw pillows, perhaps?
Or in this case, blow pillows.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/10 "2004-12-07T21:57:05Z")
Omigod, I am living in a John Waters movie, c1974. I can easily see the Kallikacks played by David Lochary and Mary Vivian Pearce, and little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza by Mink Stole in a pinafore.
I, of course, am Divine.
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### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/11 "2004-12-07T21:59:46Z")
You realize that if they do the murder/suicide you will end up adopting Brandi-Sue.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/12 "2004-12-07T22:03:15Z")
> [@Zebra](#):
>
> You realize that if they do the murder/suicide you will end up adopting Brandi-Sue.
“Brandi-Sue, dahling, I’m your _Auntie Mame!_”
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### Author:  [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/13 "2004-12-07T22:12:37Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> Omigod, I am living in a John Waters movie, c1974… I, of course, am Divine.
…will you wear the ultra-high arching eyebrows? I might would pay to see that.
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### Author:  [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/14 "2004-12-07T22:13:49Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> I, of course, am Divine.
Well of course you are. But who do you suppose will play your part? 😉
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### Author:  [@MrFantsyPants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFantsyPants)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/15 "2004-12-07T23:09:25Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> I, of course, am Divine.
Holy crap! I’m your biggest fan!
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### Author:  [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/16 "2004-12-07T23:12:56Z")
> [@MrFantsyPants](#):
>
> Holy crap! I’m your biggest fan!
:dubious: Now, was that intentional?
So tell me Eve, have you hit the big time as an innocent bystander yet? Has **Cops** visited your building?
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [December 7, 2004, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/17 "2004-12-07T23:16:06Z")
> [@photopat](#):
>
> Has **Cops** visited your building?
Well, _the_ cops have visited. My doorbell rang last week, I leaned out the window and said, “yes?” and a policeman said, “we got a call about a domestic disturbance at this address?” and I automatically said, “oh, that would be around back.”
I was right, of course.
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### Author:  [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)
#### Post date: [December 8, 2004, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/18 "2004-12-08T02:42:18Z")
> [@](#):
>
> A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack home.
ROFLMAO.
Bless The Onion
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>
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### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [December 8, 2004, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/19 "2004-12-08T03:03:46Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> “Brandi-Sue, dahling, I’m your _Auntie Mame!_”
It would be very sweet. From buying her first lorgnette to your matching fainting couches. (Her’s would be smaller) Then you could make a fine match for her and make her marry a rich industrialist against her will.
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### Author:  [@dearissues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dearissues)
#### Post date: [December 8, 2004, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-living-in-a-crack-house/278615/20 "2004-12-08T08:39:44Z")
> [@lieu](#):
>
> Throw pillows, perhaps?
Maybe mirrors on the ceiling to match the ones on the coffee table.
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