# I am not a carpenter aunt. (MMP)

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Tags:** mmp\
**Created:** [June 2, 2003, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105 "2003-06-02T12:00:22Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/41 "2003-06-04T04:01:18Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by swampbear \*  
> \*\*  
> (Patriotic_ 'Merkin \*stimulating the economy, at least for tree, storage building, pool and fence people) \*\*

**swampbear**. are you _sure_ you want to be a [Merkin](http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=merkin) ?

🙂

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**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/42 "2003-06-04T10:21:45Z")

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So I bought a small bunch of bananas the other day (specifically, Saturday) because my husband likes them. In fact, he likes his 'nanners slightly green, so I bought some slightly green ones. Of course, they’re no longer slightly green - rather, they’re nicely spotted and yummy - the way I like them. So I grabbed the last two and brought them in with me today. I didn’t pack a lunch, tho. So I’ve got snacks, but no lunch.

The cafeteria is serving: Fish Sandwich Combo, Macaroni & Beef, Beef Stew. I’ll probably get the beef stew. You also get two veggies and a side of bread with that, so I usually get peas or lima beans or corn, and carrots. I don’t always get a roll or corn bread - depends on how starchy I want to be.

If it doesn’t rain this afternoon, I’ll mow my yard - it’s kinda outta control.

Is that hijacked enough? 😃

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**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/43 "2003-06-04T10:27:22Z")

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Hijack beginning…

I took the afternoon off form work yesterday to mow my lawn, which was waaaay out of control.

The taking the time off bit was necessary because yesterday afternoon was the “magic window.” You know, when it dried out from the last rain and didn’t get soaked by the next rain.

Okay, that was lame.

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**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/44 "2003-06-04T11:48:58Z")

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It’s raining again here, too. I was going to mow the lawn on Sunday, but it was such a nice day, and the grass was still too short. Then Monday was still nice, and I really meant too, but I went to my daughter’s field day and had a lot of work to catch up on. Tuesday was never really an option, as the heavy rain started again very early Tuesday morning and continued to the early evening. Plus I met a friend and his friends at the Hofbrauhaus and had way too much lager. Never drink beer from 1 Liter glasses if you need to get home alive and well. That’s my new motto. Later when I did the math and realised that 2 glasses = about 6.5 bottles of beer. Sheesh. But the wurst platter with sauerkraut and fried sauerkraut (or whatever that was) and mashed potatoes was yummy.

So maybe today for the lawn mowing, but it’s raining again, so then there’s tomorrow. By which time I’ll need a machete and a pith helmet…

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/45 "2003-06-04T11:54:23Z")

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I got pine tree leavings all over my yard. And pine tree stumps. They’re (tree guys, there’s more than one, but less than five), coming back to finish up today. Not supposed to be rain, just cloudy. Looks like the rain’s gone south and east for now. I mowed Sunday afternoon, cause I figure it might be two or three weeks before I get to again what with all the tree, pool, storage building and fence personages comin’ and goin’. The tree guys left their stump grinding thingy, some rakes and a couple chainsaws lyin’ around. That’s how I know they’re coming back. I just assume they’ll use these things to clean up the mess of pine tree leavins’. Course I ain’t paying til the job’s all done, so that should be some kinda incentive. Got the check all written tho. The yard guys are mowing at work this morning. They always come around 7:30 am and mow. Their’s six of em. They mow, blow, edge and clean up all the leavins. They do a good job.

Did I tell y’all about the really cool outside bar I found at Sam’s Club? It’s antiquy lookin’ wrought iron and has these four wrought iron (also antiquy lookin’) bar stools that swivel. The bar stools have cushions, which is good cause sittin’ down on wrought iron might not feel too good. It’s so jake!

-swampbear  
**modro** that was gross. but funny. Maybe I should be a partiotic 'Murkin instead.

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**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/46 "2003-06-04T11:54:58Z")

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Sigh. **Exgineer** old man, when will you learn that there is always so much fodder in a **Rue** thread for hijacking that it practically leaps up and kicks you in the nuts?

I mean, we’ve already got pneumatic nail guns from **Miss Magic 8-ball** , drywall punching with **LouisB** , little kiddy sneakers and ice cream socials with **Shibb** , and **FCM** fessing up that her nickname was “Fred” and that she had hot **Rue** fantasies. Then there’s \*\*Ellen Cherry \*\* stalking **dwyr** , **tanookie** moving the house with only one munchkin (By the way, **tan** dear, you can buy a whole box of munchkins at the Dunkin Donuts for cheap), **swampbear** living on the cutting edge of contracting people for work while cleaning his cannon, the list goes on and on.

**FCM** , nice job on the hijack attempt. No offense, but I kind of miss **welby’s** hijacks myself. Always a little on topic, a little off topic, nicely worded and spelled. Plus he always leaves multiple possibilities for new hijacks behind. 😃

-welby (who wouldn’t hijack his own thread, even if it’s really **Rue’s** thread.)

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**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/47 "2003-06-04T12:01:28Z")

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When was your thousandth post?

I missed it. Sorry.

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**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/48 "2003-06-04T12:05:15Z")

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Wow, so did I.

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**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/49 "2003-06-04T12:32:20Z")

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pfffft 😛

My hijack was well within the parameters of acceptable hijacking practice. You’re just jealous because I don’t have naughty fantasies about you - at least not that I’ve acknowledged publically.

Like I care. Take your cheap shots. My legion of fans are loyal and they know you’re being a poopyhead about this. I’m making a note: next time I see you, I’m gonna poke you with a sharp stick. So there.

And talking about yourself in third person is pretentions. I thought you were better than that. Apparently not. More’s the pity…

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**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/50 "2003-06-04T12:36:45Z")

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**FCM**

We are very disappointed in you attitude. In the future we expect you to be nicer than that. Otherwise we will be forced to reveal information we have obtained through nefarious means. Obviously our attempt to mollify you was unsuccessful, for we _did_ mention that no offense was intended.  
😃

-welby (talking the the royal “we” because he’s the official **Rue** stand in)

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/51 "2003-06-04T12:54:51Z")

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**welby** I am just all confused. I looked back through my posts. I see the continuing saga of tree, storage building, pool and fence people, lit up pink flamingoes in seasonal clothing, mowing my yard, raining, special secret carpenter school, drywall, and a butt numb from sitting in a meeting, but nowhere do I see where I mentioned cleaning my cannon. I don’t own a cannon. Least I don’t think I do. Course I have some stuff in a storage building I haven’t looked at in a long time. Maybe there is a cannon in there. If there is, I’m sure it’ll need cleaning since it woulda just been sitting around collecting dust and all. Ya know, a cannon might be a bad idea. I mean what with the impending pool and all. See, if I had any problems with like neighboorhood kids trying to get in my backyard and such, I could just shoot my cannon at 'em. Does Sam’s Club sell cannons?

I tried to find a link to the cool bar set but they don’t show it on the Sam’s Club website. That’s ok, they got at least a dozen of em at my local Sam’s.

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/52 "2003-06-04T12:57:51Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> Ya know, a cannon might be a bad idea.

Make that a cannon might **not** be a bad idea.

-swampbear  
going to chalkboard and writing 100 times: “Preview is my friend.”

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**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/53 "2003-06-04T13:05:07Z")

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**swampbear** , you could get one of [these](http://www.cxblaster.com/) instead of a cannon. Easier to clean and easier to hide when the authorities swoop down on your property following the numerous complaints from the neighbors. Not that I’m advocating violence, but if I saw **welby** heading toward my house with his royal “we”, I’d come out firing.

But maybe that’s just me… 😃

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**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/54 "2003-06-04T13:18:15Z")

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My father-in-law has a cannon. They used to shoot it to celebrate holidays and stuff. I’m not sure they know where it is anymore so it probably needs a good cleaning too!

I too need a storage building and wish we could get a pool! Very jealous of swampbear.

And I have the ultimate grass irony story. Hubby mowed the lawn last week in a small window of dryness in the rain. Now it needs to be mown again … well it really needed to be mown friday but that’s not important… the fertilizer service was supposed to come thursday but they couldn’t because of all the rain. Same with friday! Rain both Saturday and Sunday. They were supposed to come again Monday or Tuesday. They came yesterday morning. Now we can’t mow until we’ve watered… or it rains again (as it is supposed to do today) If I have to water the flipping lawn in the middle of the biggest rain festival I’ve ever seen I am not going to be happy! Before we can mow it the grass is going to swallow my house!

Oh and the munchkins at the dunkin donuts by my house are either stale or non existant. We got cheap dunkies… they always give me the wrong bagels or slip flavored coffee into hubby’s order… he hates flavored coffee… actually it isn’t just dunkies… we’re haunted by the takeout poltergeist. A few weeks ago the munchkin’s cheeseburger meal was missing the cheeseburger… last week it magically turned into chicken nuggets… the breadsticks we were supposed to get from the pizza place magically became cinna sticks… I guess I need to just cook more!

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**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/55 "2003-06-04T13:19:30Z")

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Uh oh, looks like **FCM** is in a bad mood today. We are not pleased that she would threaten us with saturation bombing. 😉

**Swampy** , your cannon comes from the Merkin comment, from which **modro** surmised, via a link, that you were either a woman’s wig or a thing that cleans cannons. I, on the other hand, due to the high level of respect I have for you, assumed that you meant you were cleaning your cannon, not that you were a rag for cleaning a cannon, nor a wig. You know, obtuse jokes aren’t nearly as funny as you think when you have to explain them.

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**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/56 "2003-06-04T14:11:21Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by welby \*  
> \*\*… I, on the other hand, due to the high level of respect I have for you, assumed that you meant you were cleaning your cannon, not that you were a rag for cleaning a cannon, nor a wig. … \*\*

Now, I have never heard of using a wig to clean a cannon. Is this a common practice? I mean, it might just be that I don’t often clean cannons (or artillery of any kind, for that matter, preferring to leave that work for the maid), but it seems to me that a wig would not be very good for that purpose. Wigs (in general) aren’t that bristly, tending to have rather soft, pliable threads (the better for imitating actual human hair). I would think you’d need something a bit firmer to clean out all the soot and whatnot (esp. the whatnot (sorry so many parentheses))from a cannon.

But, pacifist that I am, what do I know? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

So I’ll hush up now.

Love,  
Kn(always droning on about things with which she has no experience)ckers

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**Author:** ![earthpuppy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8c91f0/32.png) [@earthpuppy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/earthpuppy)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/57 "2003-06-04T14:23:51Z")

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I am amazed that noone has commented that the first merkin definition is that it is a \*\*pubic[\b] wig. Except maybe \*\*swampbear[\b] saying it was gross. Who would wear a pubic wig?

😕

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**Author:** ![earthpuppy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8c91f0/32.png) [@earthpuppy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/earthpuppy)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/58 "2003-06-04T14:25:44Z")

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**oops**

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**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/59 "2003-06-04T14:29:50Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by tanookie \*  
> [  
> Oh and the **munchkins at the dunkin donuts** by my house are either stale or non existant. We got cheap dunkies… they always give me the wrong bagels or slip flavored coffee into hubby’s order… he hates flavored coffee… actually it isn’t just dunkies… we’re haunted by the takeout poltergeist. A few weeks ago **the munchkin’s cheeseburger meal was missing the cheeseburger** … last week it magically turned into chicken nuggets… the breadsticks we were supposed to get from the pizza place magically became cinna sticks… I guess I need to just cook more!

This is a very confusing paragraph.

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**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\
**Post date:** [June 4, 2003, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-carpenter-aunt-mmp/179105/60 "2003-06-04T14:30:03Z")

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**Further tales of lawns and accoutrements**

Declaring myself royal, I have hired a young man from the parish to mow Cherry Acres for the summer, as I am much too important to actually mow my own grass. He works exceedingly cheap (it’s his first job and his dad told me to lower what I was willing to pay him. Imagine that!) even though he has yet to learn the fine art of Pointing the Grass Clippings AWAY from the Back Porch. Sheesh, the sweeping I have done.

As someone who has long yearned for statuary, I was thrilled this past weekend when I fell heir to items from the garden of my grandmother, who died last winter. (Property from the house is just now being disseminated among her children. My father, the eldest of nine, is deceased, and we, his five children, are splitting his share. The level of decimals here is mind-blowing.)

Anyway, having already mentioned my acquistion of a glow-in-the-dark Blessed Virgin statue, no one should be surprised that I am now the proud owner of a garden statue of Mary (no bathtub grotto).

I also receveived a darling [Bird Girl](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0679751521/ref=lib_dp_TFCV/102-4380097-8816969?v=glance&s=books&vi=reader#reader-link) which stands solemnly near my sunflower garden and a small statue of St. Francis of Assisi, now adorning my front garden, in a bed of impatiens.

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