# I am NOT a child molester! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 29, 2002, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367 "2002-05-29T16:02:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/21 "2002-05-29T20:21:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Meatros \* > **Well Elmwood, as I see it, there is only one thing you can do! Start a prostitution business right outside your house.** Naaah. It’d be unethical. I can’t violate the city’s zoning code by running a home business that would generate large amounts of traffic. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/22 "2002-05-29T20:26:49Z")
Am I the only one hearing _Vehicle_ by the Ides of March every time **elmwood** walks into the room? The best part, **elmwood** , is that if you _did_ turn out to be a child molester, and scads of body parts and Underoos were found in your bomb shelter, those very same neighbors would be the people staring wide-eyed into the news cameras, saying, “He seemed like such a great guy… quiet, kept to himself… I never would have guessed he’d do something like this…” ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/23 "2002-05-29T20:33:23Z")
I know just how you feel **elmwood**. Just because I’m single, live alone in a big house and most of the people who come to my house are men, my whole neighborhood thinks I’m gay. Honestly, ya french kiss one guy in your driveway in the middle of the afternoon in plain view of the neighbors behind you who are all outside in their back yard having a barbecue and man! the rumors just fly all over the 'hood. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/24 "2002-05-30T00:12:38Z")
You mean, they seriously asked you why no women spend the night? Is that really anybody’s BUSINESS? I think you should have looked horrified and screamed, “Are you telling me I should FORNICATE??? SINNER!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/25 "2002-05-30T00:20:24Z")
You garden at dusk? In Florida?? Why, you…you…WEIRDO!!! You should be out in the noonday sun, frying and hatching future skin cancers like the regular folk. Kids, don’t play with that man’s dog! He’s an accomplice!!! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/26 "2002-05-30T00:22:34Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally Posted by Guinastasia_ > “Are you telling me I should FORNICATE??? SINNER!!!” BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA! Now **that’s** funny. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/27 "2002-05-30T00:26:25Z")
If a bunch of actual child molesters wanted to have a party, sounds like this is the house they should rent for the weekend. ---
**Author:** ![Jello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f05b48/32.png) [@Jello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jello)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/28 "2002-05-30T01:13:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by december \* > \*\*Man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing. “I’m leaving you,” she says. “I just found out you’re a pedaphile.” > > “_Pedaphile_?” he replies. “That’s a mighty big word for an eight-year old.” \*\* In that vein: So I was banging this girl up the ass, and she turns around and says, “Isn’t this a bit presumptuous for a first date?” “Isn’t 'presumptuous a big word for a four-year-old?” ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/29 "2002-05-30T02:04:47Z")
It is an ugly magnification of what ever new neighbor goes through. Everyone gets checked out on the street when they move in. People talk. I’ve been seen at 2:55am wheeling a loud hand truck across a dead silent walkway to my old condo. Body parts? No, camera parts. I’m really sorry that you only become a regular person once they’ve seen the inside of your home, and get a sense that you are by their measure ( !!! ) a “normal guy”. There’s a wicked double standard at work here. Then again, my kids’ daycare providers are a gay couple, and a few of the neighbors have really given them grief for it. Fortunately, they take care of SO many kids in town that at some point, I think the bigots down the block figured they must not be molesting them, but just caring for them. Jerks. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/30 "2002-05-30T03:04:08Z")
This is such an unfair stigma. What do they say about the single _female_ professionals that move into the suburbs? Just the way people judge me _now_ I know I am going to have a hard time in this situation. I’ll probably wind up as living in the creepy house down the street that no kid jumps the fence to get their football back because your friends brother’s cousin’s classmate said some kid got eaten by the guy who lived there :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![dwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwyr/32/363_2.png) [@dwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwyr)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/31 "2002-05-30T03:41:53Z")
Heh. Try being a single woman living alone with cats and working evening shift. Really, try it. You might like it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/32 "2002-05-30T07:35:00Z")
Our neighbors on either side are both single men who keep somewhat strange hours. Our dog absolutely hates one of them, too. And I’ve warned my kids to stay away from their houses… …because they’re really, really nice guys and I don’t want them thinking my kids are ill-mannered, loud brats whose parents haven’t taught them to respect property. The dog is just stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/33 "2002-05-30T08:27:05Z")
Do you just want to rant or would you like some advice? Fuck it, I’m giving you advice anyway. Ask your neighbors if they know any nice single women. Tell them to spread the word. They will. If they like you, they’ll even TRY to set you up rather than just ridicule you. Being a single person with eczema and a sexual interest in adults is fine, being a scaly pedophile is creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Anahita](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9a28c/32.png) [@Anahita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anahita)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/34 "2002-05-30T09:34:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Steve Wright \* > \*\* > These suspicions are unreasonable and annoying. Whenever they find a former launderette owner strangled with his own bicycle frame, it’s always _my_ door the police knock on. It’s getting tedious. \*\* _This_ is the sense of humour I was talking about. You crack me right up, **Steve**! ---
**Author:** ![Anahita](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9a28c/32.png) [@Anahita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anahita)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/35 "2002-05-30T09:38:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jello \* > \*\* > > In that vein: > > So I was banging this girl up the ass, and she turns around and says, “Isn’t this a bit presumptuous for a first date?” > > “Isn’t 'presumptuous a big word for a four-year-old?” \*\* I don’t find that funny at all. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/36 "2002-05-30T10:32:46Z")
Elmwood, Want to put the suspicions away for good? Throw a barbeque. That way everyone can meet you, and put you on the “Nice guy for the single lady that I know” list. Its a pity that you have to _prove_ that you’re not scary, but such is the society that we live in. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/37 "2002-05-30T10:42:03Z")
**Twisty** , if he starts throwing bloody great barbecues around the place, it’ll hardly improve his poor withered reputation. Violence is rarely the answer. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/38 "2002-05-30T12:18:28Z")
The problem with barbecues, of course, is that you have to know who you’re barbecuing. That way, you can make allowances for people’s particular tastes. So, you’d want to make some friendly, discreet, one-on-one contacts with your neighbours before the actual event. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/39 "2002-05-30T12:21:13Z")
Course, people _will_ start wondering where the meat came from… ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367/40 "2002-05-30T12:21:29Z")
Oops. The first sentence in that post should, of course, end with “… know who you’re barbecuing _for_”. Silly mistake. But perfectly innocent. Could happen to anyone, right? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-child-molester/111367.md?page=3)