# I am not a monster, dammit!!!!!!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 8, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115 "2010-02-08T05:42:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/161 "2010-02-10T00:42:05Z")
And by some grand coincidence, [Dan Savage’s first letter this week](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=3347526) is right in line with the OP. Some of the advice from Dan’s expert: > [@](#): > > The psychotherapies that are available, says Cantor, “were designed to assist people who have already committed an offense to prevent a ‘relapse.’ These therapies have less to provide to people who already have the skills and drive to keep themselves from ‘acting out.’” Your best option, according to Cantor, is one you’re clearly not too enthused about (and who can blame you?): “Castration, both chemical and physical,” says Cantor, “can indeed be used to eliminate or take the edge off one’s sex drive.” > > “Nonoffender pedophiles have told me that chemical castration has given them considerable relief,” Cantor adds. “So it’s unfortunate that we use the term ‘chemical castration,’ which evokes all kinds of emotions. When you get right down to it, we are talking only about taking the same medication used by, for example, prostate-cancer patients—some cancers are accelerated by testosterone, so blocking testosterone is part of the treatment.” ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/162 "2010-02-10T03:15:58Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > And by some grand coincidence, [Dan Savage’s first letter this week](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=3347526) is right in line with the OP. > > Some of the advice from Dan’s expert: I did a search; this post is the _fourth_ mention of Savage’s column in _this thread_; so my guess is that Savage is the OP, trying to increase his readership. . .😉 ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/163 "2010-02-10T05:43:18Z")
> [@Lestrade](#): > > That site is aimed at reducing recidivism and the impact of sex offenders. The problem here, as discussed in the Savage Love [column](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=3347526) linked by **Merneith** in post [21](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12090904&postcount=21), is that **Pdoul** isn’t a sex offender. That organization might be able to provide guidance for non-offenders, but that isn’t their raison d’être. It is a good start to find professionals and their literature. Trust me, I have been to their convention once - pdoul and the like will not be disappointed to start there. ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/164 "2010-02-10T06:00:01Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > As far as I know, the crap about required reporting must involve “reasonable suspicion that harm has or is likely to come to patient or others.” It is not crap, it is the professional ethics of the APA and the law in California (and probably elsewhere). It is not just psychologists that are “mandated reporters” either. [http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws\_policies/statutes/manda.cfm](http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/manda.cfm) seems like a good place to start on the laws. You can google up the ethics of a profession and location on your own, ok? > [@](#): > > If there’s some jurisdiction where this is not true, then I suggest that nobody go to therapy there, as it has made HIPAA a joke. HIPPAA is about record keeping, not treatment per se is my understanding. If you have a problem with mandated reporting, you are going to have a problem in the whole United States I think. My GF deals with this occasionally as a psychologist. It is part of the deal I guess. ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/165 "2010-02-10T06:09:54Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > Man, word problems suck. Child’s play 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/166 "2010-02-10T07:47:43Z")
> [@](#): > > don’t think anybody, except that one guy, really wants to see you in jail, just to get you the help that you need. Something as inborn as sexual desire isn’t something you just develop, so it’s akin to a genetic illness rather than a crime. Then again, I thought that research indicated that pedophllia as the ONLY orenitation was fairly rare. And I think it would depend on what you meant by pedophllia. For example, would a sociopath who molests a kid to simply to dominate them be" counted" as a pedo? I do think that a lot of pedophiles may be emotionally stunted. I don’t think it’s an orenitation. More like the manifesation of some sort of obession (they can’t get past)/past trauma. (after all a LOT of pedophiles were themselves sexually abused. They are so emotionally stunted that they think they can “heal” by dominating a child) You know… I wonder if the therapy that sex offenders go through to teach them to avoid " triggers" might help the OP. I can totally see how with someone with Asperger’s/general emotional stunting could think " Oh eleven year old girls are hot" at an age when its appropreate, and then have it continue as an “Aspie/OCD” like obession. And you know…I wouldn’t call the OP a pedophile per se. Pedos seem to think that there’s truly nothing wrong with their desires and that kids can consent. It’s possible that the OP may just have a major OCD fixtation on eleven year old girls Maybe talk to a psych and say that you’re having a lot of OCD thoughts. Maybe ask him to put you on some meds and see how that works out. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/167 "2010-02-10T15:17:53Z")
Hey, **Pduol** , stop hating yourself. You’re in a horrible situation I don’t envy, but I do know that beating yourself up about it is not going to help matters. I have a hunch that exposure therapy could help you (that is, a process in which you learn that having sexual thoughts about children =! molesting them.) I think there is an anxiety component to this and you are using volunteer work as a safety behavior. I think learning to avoid '‘triggers’'to deal with anything is a terrible idea, because it suggests that those triggers control your actions, not you. But because of the ‘‘desire’’ element, I’m not comfortable encouraging you to jump right into exposure without consulting a professional. This is uncharted territory for sure, and some professionals will be better able than others to distinguish between thoughts and actions. Choose very carefully. That said, I think it’s significant, and telling, that you’re using volunteer work as a safety behavior. Not boozing, not prostitutes, _volunteer work_. You’re an upstanding citizen. You’ve done nothing wrong. Having bad thoughts is not wrong. I have violent urges all the time, I don’t act on them. I have racist thoughts, I don’t act on them. I have fears all the time, they never materialize. My actions define my personality, not my thoughts, and my thoughts don’t dictate my future either. Society is probably not going to grasp the distinction between ‘‘thoughts’’ and ‘‘actions’’ any time soon, especially where children are involved, so you have to do what you can do, inside yourself, to get right with you. You have to make peace with who you are, because this validation you seek isn’t going to come from society. HOPEFULLY you can find a professional able to assist you in this process, but if not, you have to find a way. It just doesn’t seem right to me for a good person to live the rest of his life so tormented by something as inconsequential as desire. Because I do think you are a good person who has consistently put the well-being of others ahead of your own, and I don’t give a shit what you think about doing, I only care what you do. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/168 "2010-02-10T20:30:29Z")
It’s been said, but I’m one more on the ‘good on you’ pile. Desires you can’t fulfill - and, worse, think you shouldn’t have - are, to quote Buddha, the root of evil. You have my sympathy and respect. Huh, maybe Buddha was a pedophile…? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/169 "2010-02-10T22:31:19Z")
I guess I agree & disagree. You may not be a monster but you harbor one inside you. Were you around my 10-year old daughter, I would constantly fear that monster would slip its chains. Personally, I’d never trust you anywhere near her. Therapy, and lots of it, would be my suggestion. You have my sympathy for your disorder, that sympathy comes completely without trust, though. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/170 "2010-02-10T23:40:10Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > I guess I agree & disagree. > > You may not be a monster but you harbor one inside you. Were you around my 10-year old daughter, I would constantly fear that monster would slip its chains. Personally, I’d never trust you anywhere near her. > > Therapy, and lots of it, would be my suggestion. > > You have my sympathy for your disorder, that sympathy comes completely without trust, though. Well, yeah. You don’t give the administration of a bar to an alcoholic, even if they have been dry for 40 years and direct AA at continent level. He is not a wino, though. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/171 "2010-02-11T04:22:20Z")
> [@runcible\_spoon](#): > > Huh, maybe Buddha was a pedophile…? A religious authority figure who is attracted to children? That’ll be the day. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/172 "2010-02-11T04:34:08Z")
I’m not even “'thinking” about this one. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/173 "2010-02-11T14:55:21Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > I guess I agree & disagree. > > You may not be a monster but you harbor one inside you. Were you around my 10-year old daughter, I would constantly fear that monster would slip its chains. Personally, I’d never trust you anywhere near her. > > Therapy, and lots of it, would be my suggestion. > > You have my sympathy for your disorder, that sympathy comes completely without trust, though. There still must be room for someone like this to be able to function in normal society, though, right? What’s “anywhere near her”? Same room? Same restaurant? One of the many adults picking up kids (remember, he’s got his own) from school? There comes a point where if you marginalize someone enough because of their controlled desires they might just decide the punishment for actually following through isn’t any worse than the punishment for admitting the urge in an effort to get help. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/174 "2010-02-11T15:42:43Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > You may not be a monster but you harbor one inside you. Were you around my 10-year old daughter, I would constantly fear that monster would slip its chains. Personally, I’d never trust you anywhere near her. Whenever people are around someone they find attractive, it takes so much will power to stop from trying to jump their bones. There was an attractive woman at the supermarket the other day. I wonder how she ever made it out of there without getting porked by someone. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/175 "2010-02-11T15:56:12Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Whenever people are around someone they find attractive, it takes so much will power to stop from trying to jump their bones. There was an attractive woman at the supermarket the other day. I wonder how she ever made it out of there without getting porked by someone. You know what? I understand this argument. I really do. Of course people aren’t always leaping on top of every person they find sexually compelling and humping away. What a bizarre (and completely unproductive) world we would live in. But as a parent myself, logic takes a back seat to instinct, and the instinct to protect one’s children against danger, real or imaginary, is strong. The "what if"s are compelling. If I know you are a pedophile and I leave my children alone with you and you do, in fact, decide to molest them, who is going to have empathy for me? Whenever the Michael Jackson rumors surface, people are quick to ask, “What kind of parent would let their child stay with someone who admitted to sleeping in the same bed with kids?” Many years ago, my kids went to daycare at the house of a home provider. One day, her son shot and killed himself accidentally—he was “playing” with a loaded gun. He had allegedly acquired the gun for ptotection against some other boys. It didn’t happen in her house. It didn’t happen in front of my kids. But my children never, ever went back to her daycare. If something else did happen when they were in their care, wouldn’t I be at least partially to blame for being the dumbass who didn’t learn the first time not to have my kids in that environment? Anyhow, I continue not to think **Pdoul** is a monster, but I do understand the protectiveness of someone saying, “That’s great, now please don’t mind if I don’t leave my kid with you.” ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/176 "2010-02-11T16:15:19Z")
**Pduol** , as quite a few other posters have mentioned, consider an anti-depressant even if you aren’t depressed. One side effect that is very common in most SSRI’s is a decrease in sexual desire. It certainly has curtailed mine, which sucks because I like sex but my mental health is more important so it’s an acceptable sacrifice for me. It probably won’t help with your desires but it might lessen them and make it easier to deal with. You seem like a pretty good guy who wants help. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![ToeJam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@ToeJam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToeJam)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/177 "2010-02-11T16:41:00Z")
> [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > Then again, I thought that research indicated that pedophllia as the ONLY orenitation was fairly rare. And I think it would depend on what you meant by pedophllia. For example, would a sociopath who molests a kid to simply to dominate them be" counted" as a pedo? For what’ it’s worth, Sociopathy would be labeled as “ASPD: Antisocial personality disorder” which is an Axis II disorder, and I believe Pedophilia is a Sexual disorder, which falls under the Axis I diagnosis of the DMV. So a person can have both diagnoses. A person with ASPD who molests others to dominate them though and NOT for sexual pleasure would not be a pedophile, he would be a child molester I believe. If he did it for sexual release/pleasure, then fine he’d be a pedophile A pedophile is one who gets sexual pleasure from those under the age of 13 and is a sexual disorder/ paraphilia. Also, when documenting someone with the disorder there are subclasses you have to try to figure out: The DSM IV has categories for their sexual preference/targets- \*males \*only, \*females \*only, or _both_, as each has their own patterns of behavior. And finally, you have to also note if the person is an \*exclusive \*or _non-exclusive_ pedophile: ie is the ONLY way they can get sexual release via children, or do they have normal age relationships as well. > [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > And you know…I wouldn’t call the OP a pedophile per se. Pedos seem to think that there’s truly nothing wrong with their desires and that kids can consent. > It’s possible that the OP may just have a major OCD fixtation on eleven year old girls I just got to learn about this- apparently one of the primary defense mechanisms associated with Pedophilia is “Rationalization”, basically what you described up there, as justifying their behavior in some way. However, the diagnosis is still a sexual disorder, and those CAN cause great distress or worry to the patient- but that also means there is a chance to get some help. I would certainly try to see if you can find a good psychiatrist who is trained in handling these sorts of cases, as it is a difficult disorder to treat (relapse rates are very high) but if the person is motivated, perhaps something can be done to help (as you and others have mentioned one way is by the usage of drugs such as SSRI’s to decrease the desires and such). ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/178 "2010-02-11T16:52:06Z")
> [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](#): > > It makes perfect biological sense that men would be drawn towards women that are sixteen or seventeen years old. Women of that age are perfectly capable of getting pregnant (they are even before then) and their bodies are generally curvy and boobily. Our age of adulthood - 18 - has no particular biological significance. A woman does not suddenly develop anything naturally on her eighteenth birthday. **Bith** has a point here. It is a fact of biology that heterosexual men are attracted to post-pubescent females. Females these days are hitting puberty a lot sooner than they used to. I don’t think there is an adult male alive who hasn’t been caught by that at least once; I know I sure have. You see a good-looking gal, you check her out, validate that she’s hawt and suddenly realize that she is jailbait. It happens. As someone else pointed out, spend a summer afternoon on a beach and you’re going to get caught by it several dozen times.\*\* Pduol\*\*, one of the things that we stress in Taekwondo training is “Self-control in my actions”. Kudos to you for not acting on your desires and I hope that things get better for you. But in the meantime, to paraphrase a famous line: “What happens inside your skull…stays inside your skull”. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/179 "2010-02-11T17:12:28Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > Were you around my 10-year old daughter, I would constantly fear that monster would slip its chains. Personally, I’d never trust you anywhere near her. > [@lorene](#): > > If I know you are a pedophile and I leave my children alone with you… The first quote is a lot broader than the second. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/180 "2010-02-11T17:13:10Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > There still must be room for someone like this to be able to function in normal society, though, right? > > What’s “anywhere near her”? Same room? Same restaurant? One of the many adults picking up kids (remember, he’s got his own) from school? > > There comes a point where if you marginalize someone enough because of their controlled desires they might just decide the punishment for actually following through isn’t any worse than the punishment for admitting the urge in an effort to get help. Years ago, I had an young-ish uncle (the son of my grandfather’s 2nd wife) that was mentally ill. He was a Vietnam veteran and the family story was that he blew out his brain cells with excessive drug use during and after the war. This may be an excuse on the part of his mother, though, who was often eager to find external sources to her problems. One day we were visiting my Grandfather, who lived in another state, and the Uncle was there since he lived with them at that time. While there, my grandfather said that my Uncle, for reasons unclear, tried to have sex with his mother. He came into their room one night and tried to mount her. That night, our last night there, my father said he sat up in bed, his bedroom door open, and watched my sister’s room across the hall through the night. My Uncle had lost the trust of my father. Same restaurant - no problem. Fully supervised with other adults around - OK. Potential to get her off to one side alone - No way. You better believe my head would be on a swivel. As far as admitting an urge in order to get help, I don’t see the desire for help in his words. He’s admitting his sexual deviance and explaining that, so far, he’s got it under control. I suggested therapy, and lots of it, but I didn’t see any evidence he really wants to do this. He’s trusting his self-control. I think that anybody’s self-control has limits that can be exceeded. As far as his lack-of-desire to molest his daughters, I think that’s a weak example. I have three sisters and a mother and I’m a straight heterosexual male. I don’t have any sexual attraction to them. Family is different. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115.md?page=10)