# I am not a monster, dammit!!!!!!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 8, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115 "2010-02-08T05:42:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 1\ **Showing post:** 1
**Author:** ![Pduol](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6bbea6/32.png) [@Pduol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pduol)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115/1 "2010-02-08T05:42:21Z")
Yes, I am shouting. I am more a lurker than a poster, but lately I have been reading with interest the various threads on this board having to do with **cesario**. Since the whole **cesario** thing started, I’ve been entertaining the thought of posting this, but I didn’t want to appear to be supportive of him. See, like **cesario** , I am attracted to underage girls. Unlike **cesario** , I do not believe that taking ANY action whatsoever on these desires would be OK in ANY situation, regardless of laws or lack thereof. Some points that I want to make: 1. I don’t have any choice in the matter. Just like a person doesn’t choose to be gay or straight, I can’t choose to not be a pedophile. I have tried everything that I can think of to get the desire out of my head, to no avail. 2. I have lived, for the most part, a normal, stable life. At least as normal as one could hope for under the circumstances. I was married and raised 3 kids, two girls and one boy. I never felt any kind of attraction towards either of my daughters as they were growing up. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I suppose it would be just like a man with normal sexual desires not being sexually attracted to his sister. The only time my desires ever became a problem with my daughters was when either of them would have friends over. At those times I would take the first opportunity to make myself scarce. Oh, and by the way, my now ex-wife is 3 months OLDER than me. 3. This is the first time I have ever openly admitted my desires to anyone! My wife asked me one time if I had any desires in this area, and I looked at her like she was crazy and managed to convince her (at least I think I convinced her) that she was reading me wrong. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to a discussion along these lines. Like I said, I have been entertaining the idea of posting this for a while. I’m not sure why tonight I decided to go ahead and do it. Even as I type this, I’m not sure I’m going to hit “submit” when I am done. While keeping it under wraps all these years has not been conducive to happiness, it has been conducive towards being accepted among the general population. 4. This is the main reason I don’t believe that there is a god. If there is an all-powerful god, then the desires that I feel are desires that he created me to have. This is something I would define as the ultimate act of cruelty. These desires can never be fulfilled. EVER! Having these desires leads to a life full of nothing but frustration and shame. 5. It’s not that I don’t find woman my own age appealing. I am 41 years old, and my last sexual encounter was also 41 years old. She was by anyone’s standard, even mine, a knockout. There is a problem, though. In order to get excited enough to orgasm, I had to close my eyes and think of her as younger. MUCH younger. I know that some of you reading this will find it disgusting. I really wish that it was different. In years past, I didn’t have to do this. But since I’ve gotten older, and my libido is not near as strong, in order to orgasm I have to. I really wish that my desires were more towards my own age, gay or straight. 6. I AM NOT A MONSTER!!! I have never acted on my desires. I know that acting on these desires would be the most wrong thing that I could possibly do. I volunteer in my community. I lend a helping hand wherever I can. Just because a man with normal sexual desires finds the female form attractive, it does not mean that he is going to rape every female that he comes in contact with. In much the same way, just because I am sexually attracted to underage girls, it does not mean that I am going to rape every 11 year old that I come in contact with. 7. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to quench this unquenchable thirst. I hate that I can’t talk about it with friends and family. I hate the fact that most people, if they knew what my desires were, would suddenly think it prudent to not have any more to do with me. I hate the frustration that I have felt ever since I was about 19 or 20 years old. I hate the shame that I feel. I hate the whole damned thing! Some days I wish I could just die rather than continue to secretly face the shame. 8. I am well aware that a loving, sexual relationship with a girl around the age of my desire is not possible. No amount of fantasy can get past her age. 9. I don’t know why I am like this. This is something I have thought long and hard on and can not come up with any answers whatsoever. When I first became attracted to the opposite sex, I was about 11. At that time, my sexual attraction was towards girls who were also 11. As I grew up, my age of attraction simply never changed. This started to become an apparent problem sometime in high school. 10. To reiterate, I have no choice in what I am attracted to. I can’t snap my fingers and make myself normal. I can’t “just not think about it.” There is no choice. The only choice I have is in my actions! I choose to not take any actions on my desires because I know that they are, at best, destructive. 11. I really don’t know how this is going to be received. With the **cesario** drama going on, I wanted a different viewpoint to be on the table. I am similarly afflicted with the same desires, yet I try to be the best person I can be in spite of the desires that I feel. For those that have taken the time to read this whole thing, thank you. I am going to put this in the pit, so feel free to say whatever you want to me. Anything you have to say can’t be near as bad as what I say to myself. Just be grateful that your sexual desires, gay or straight, can be acted upon. --- _[View the full topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-not-a-monster-dammit/528115)._