# I am the very model of a modern Libertarian **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 3, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291 "2000-06-03T15:46:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/1 "2000-06-03T15:46:06Z")
Okay, since I never get no credit for trying to make serious arguments on this topic, I decided this time just to have fun with it. As this is parody rather than debate I have pre-exiled it to the Pit; I apologize in advance for the absence of Pitworthy obscenity and vilification. Kimstu I Am the Very Model of a Modern Libertarian by **Kimstu** _[With apologies to [Gilbert and Sullivan](http://diamond.idbsu.edu/gas/pirates/html/p13.html), and also to one [Lollius](http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~valkyrie/parody/xena.html). Note: In order to avoid the infringement of individual rights by imposing totalitarian ideals of harmony, the soloist and choristers may sing each in his or her own tempo, tune, and key.]_ I am the very model of a modern Libertarian: I teem with glowing notions for proposals millenarian, I’ve nothing but contempt for ideologies collectivist (My own ideas of social good tend more toward the Objectivist). You see, I’ve just discovered, by my intellectual bravery, That civic obligations are all tantamount to slavery; And thus that ancient pastime, _viz.,_ complaining of taxation, Assumes the glorious aspect of a war for liberation! \*[Chorus:] You really must admit it’s a delightful revelation: To bitch about your taxes is to fight for liberation! \* I bolster up my claims with lucubrations rather risible About the Founding Fathers and the market’s hand invisible; In fact, my slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian Makes me the very model of a modern Libertarian! \*[Chorus:] His very slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian Makes him the very model of a modern Libertarian! \* All “public wealth” is robbery, we never will accede to it; You have no rights in anything if you can’t show your deed to it. (But don’t fear repossession by our Amerind minority: Those treaties aren’t valid—Uncle Sam had no authority!) We realize whales and wolves and moose find wilderness quite vital, And we’ll give back their habitats— **if** they can prove their title. But people like unspoiled lands (we too will say “hooray” for them), So we have faith that someone else will freely choose to pay for them. \*[Chorus:] Yes, when the parks are auctioned it will be a lucky day for them— We’re confident that someone else will freely choose to pay for them! \* We’ll guard the health of nature by self-interest most astute: Since pollution is destructive, no one ever will pollute. Thus factories will safeguard our communities riparian— I am the very model of a modern Libertarian! \*[Chorus:] Yes, factories will safeguard our communities riparian, He is the very model of a modern Libertarian! \* In short, when I can tell why individual consumers Know best who should approve their drugs and who should treat their tumors; Why civilized existence in its intricate confusion Will be simple and straightforward, absent government intrusion; Why markets cannot err within the system I’ve described, Why poor folk won’t be bullied and why rich folk won’t be bribed, And why all vast inequities of power and position Will vanish when I wave my wand and utter _“COMPETITION!”_— \*[Chorus:] He’s so much more exciting than a common politician, Inequities will vanish when he hollers “Competition!” \* —And why my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, “Ridiculous!”, And why my social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian— I’ll be the very model of a modern Libertarian! \*[Chorus:] His novel social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian— He is the very model of a modern Libertarian! \* ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/2 "2000-06-03T15:56:47Z")
(That’s _rolling on the floor, uttering shrieks of helpless mirth, tears rolling down my cheeks, pissing off my sleeping roommate_). ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/3 "2000-06-03T15:59:55Z")
Still wanna get hitched? _ **My sides hurt.** _ ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/4 "2000-06-03T16:02:39Z")
Oh God, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Brava! Awesome! And since this is the pit, hi-fuckin-larious!!! ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/5 "2000-06-03T16:04:47Z")
Why don’t the 4 of us get together and have a communal marriage?!! This just _ **ROCKS!** _ ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/6 "2000-06-03T16:05:06Z")
Seeing as this is the pit: Brilliant! Fucking brilliant! If I was wearing a hat, it would be very, very tipped. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/7 "2000-06-03T16:25:02Z")
Shayna: Because to the best of my knowledge, Xenophon is not gay. _Are_ you? ---
**Author:** ![Initial\_Entry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e9a140/32.png) [@Initial\_Entry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Initial_Entry)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/8 "2000-06-03T18:14:10Z")
Absolutely incredible. I haven’t laughed so hard in months. ---
**Author:** ![Danielinthewolvesden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce7236/32.png) [@Danielinthewolvesden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danielinthewolvesden)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/9 "2000-06-03T20:18:07Z")
Kimstu: Great! 🆒 I’ll share with you all my 2 recent mpsims “litebulb” jokes: How many Libertarians does it take to change a litebulb? None: he was no contract with the litebulb, so it can’t be changed. OR None: the free market will change it for you. 😃 However, K, I bow in recognition of your far greater skill & wit. ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/10 "2000-06-03T22:13:54Z")
> [@](#): > > Shayna: Because to the best of my knowledge, Xenophon is not gay. _Are_ you? Well, I’m frequently _happy_, lighthearted some of the time, but not necessarily gay. I mean, sure I’m cordial and high spirited, could even be described as “jolly” if I gained a hundred pounds or so, but really, what has that to do with Shayna’s group proposal? Oh by the way, I’m straight as a tea drinking Lutheran, so get your hand off my thigh, Matt. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2000, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/11 "2000-06-03T23:05:41Z")
_matt humphs and goes off to molest Esprix_ ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2000, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/12 "2000-06-04T05:24:28Z")
That’s the funniest post I’ve seen since Wally’s cybersex chat. ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2000, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/13 "2000-06-04T21:19:37Z")
Excellent, Kimstu, definitely a classic. I want to play, too, but you’ve set the bar high. Since you like Giilbert & Sullivan, I’ll take one from [The Mikado](http://diamond.idbsu.edu/gas/mikado/webopera/operhome.html). From every kind of man obedience I expect. I’m the government of the land. (And we’re the bureaucrats un-elect. You haven’t a clue What’s best for you Say the bureaucrats un-elect.) By majority vote my rule is declared both just and correct. (But it’s nothing at all compared With that of the bureaucrats un-elect.) Bow, bow To the bureaucrats un-elect. Chorus: Bow, bow To the bureaucrats un-elect. In a fatherly kind of way I govern each family and sect. You are free to disagree. (But you’ll face the bureaucrats un-elect. We’ll confuse the fools With a million rules Say the bureaucrats un-elect.) My nature is justice and truth and freedom from all defect. (Just leave those things to us, “Trust me”, say the bureaucrats un-elect.) Bow, bow To the bureaucrats un-elect. Chorus: Bow, bow To the bureaucrats un-elect. A more humane plutocracy never did in this land exist To nobody second I’m certainly reckoned a true philanthropist It is my very humane endeavor to make, to some extent Each man and lady, from birth to eighty, a ward of the government My object all sublime I will achieve in time To let the government fix the crime The government fix the crime And make each citizen Unwillingly represent A source of wealth for the government Of wealth for the government The parents who choose to teach their children that work is the way to succeed I’ll let them, as long as I get to remind them that self-esteem’s all they need. The rural people who listen to country & western and other things lame May not know a thing of the ballet or opera, but will pay for them just the same. The woman who chooses to do with her body what she and her god approve Must wait to hear voices on alternate choices; if she don’t like it she can move. The couple who dare their love to share, in a way that some people find wrong I can’t let them wed, for then marriage is dead, and society won’t last for long. Chorus: My object all sublime… The friends who gather to share and enjoy the drugs that I don’t yet condone I’ll round them up swiftly, a bit faster if I can take a quick look through your home. I’ll wage my war in your streets and your places of work and your schools, night and day. Some innocent people will suffer, but that’s just the price that we’ll all have to pay. I do realize these unfortunate people might just have a problem to cure But the polls indicated these people are hated by fifty-two percent or more. And so they’ll be thrown in prison cells with murderers, rapists, and scum But we’re better society; we need sobriety; now pass us the whiskey and rum. Chorus: My object all sublime… ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/14 "2000-06-04T22:26:47Z")
Hey, I better get in here and take my bow before I’m completely upstaged by **Gilligan**. (All political-philosophy debates should be this fun!) All matrimonial offers happily accepted. (As I understand it, the marital obligations for “prize-of-valor” marriages on a message board are not that onerous: you simply have to add the phrase “trophy husband (or wife) of so-and-so” to your sig on one subsequent message.) Thanks, y’all made my day! Kimstu trophy wife of **xenophon41** and **Shayna** ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2000, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/15 "2000-06-05T02:10:35Z")
Excellent, Gilligan! How did you guys know that I love G&S. I mean, this was just for me, right? Has anyone nominated this page for the Threadspotting feature? It’s a sure thing. ---
**Author:** ![Iolanthe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7bcc69/32.png) [@Iolanthe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iolanthe)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/16 "2000-06-05T17:39:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Excellent, Gilligan! > > How did you guys know that I love G&S. I mean, this was just for me, right? > \*\* Hell no. It’s for me. I’m the one with the user name and all. (Kimstu and Gilligan - holy-shit-am-I-impressed. And jealous. I wish I could write these. Well done. Now do one to “My Eyes are Fully Open…” and I’ll bear your little ones.) ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/17 "2000-06-06T13:37:15Z")
Anything for you, **Iolanthe** honey, but skip the part about bearing my little ones—God made Adam and Eve, ya know, not Eve and Pat! 🙂 Speaking of which, I decided to pick on the creationists this go-round, so enjoy. (But this is it for now, okay kids? You get out and play in the sunshine.) Kimstu My Eyes Are Fully Open to the Folly by **Kimstu** My eyes are fully open to the folly of believing What a mere ten thousand scientists have spent their lives achieving; I know that modern research is to error sadly liable, But I need have no such fears about the science in my Bible! Where the straight dope on creation takes up barely seven pages With no unconvincing nonsense about geologic ages, Or our hominid heredity or other monkey chatter, And it’s all chock-full of Spirit, so don’t say it’s only matter! \*You’ve misread the fossil strata— Or you’ve falsified your data— But it **can’t** be true that life is merely matter, matter, matter! \* If man and apes at first were just the same, then where would we be? Would God write “Eve and Adam” if he meant “J. Fred and Phoebe”? And you needn’t try to tell me they developed through mutation: Since mutants are defective, that would mean degeneration! Sure, some microevolution may have tweaked the protozoa, But the “basic kinds” today are still the same that sailed with Noah— So I’ll see the local school board gets your head upon a platter If you try to teach my children that the source of life is matter! \*We’ll expel you with a clatter— It won’t help to sue or flatter— If you try to teach our children life is matter, matter, matter! \* Of course, I’ve learned the uses of obscure impressive jargon: I cite potassium’s decay to calcium and argon, And changes in magnetic field and polar-axis angle (Add entropy and mix—it takes forever to untangle!) And I jump in bed with Kuhnians (which they find pretty eerie) To argue my new paradigm, since each is “just a theory”— And when the maddened scientists attempt my claims to shatter, Then they’re hostile to religion, so their arguments don’t matter! \*Though the infidels may batter, They will never shake or scatter My conviction that their arguments don’t matter, matter, matter! \* ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/18 "2000-06-06T15:06:20Z")
Oops, forgot the link to the original [Gilbert and Sullivan song](http://diamond.idbsu.edu/GaS/pirates/html/extra_song.html). Kimstu ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/19 "2000-06-06T15:27:30Z")
Y’all have to stop doing this to me while I’m at work - I’m gonna get in trouble here. Gilligan and Kimstu – brilliant! Works of art! Kimstu, this latest by you is beyond hilarious. I am so proud to have you as my trophy wife, even if neither one of us are lesbians. You rock, woman! ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2000, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291/20 "2000-06-06T16:03:49Z")
All three are quite superb. Any chance of the Policeman’s Lot from Pinnafore? Or something from Cox and Box regarding our related posters? (I’d try, but I’m crap) picmr [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-the-very-model-of-a-modern-libertarian/21291.md?page=2)