# I Am Warping my Daughter **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 27, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440 "2002-03-27T19:36:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/21 "2002-03-28T14:34:20Z")
Citizen Goldilocks The Goldilocks of Oz Goldilocks with the Wind Goldilocks II The Wrath of Pappa Bear The Goldilocks Show (she’s on TV and doesn’t know it) The Girl with the Golden Locks Goldilocks and the Argonauts King Kong (just us GL in stead of Fay Ray) Jack (from Jack and the Beanstalk) is a penniless artist. Goldilocks is beautiful rich girl being forced to marry Grumpy. But their paths cross as they sail on the TITANIC. This water is _too_ cold! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/22 "2002-03-28T15:00:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\*If you want to keep from warping your kid **Cal** , you have to keep her out of humid places. Steams a killer. And if she does get wet, clamp her down to something straight. Like a table top. Just a parenting tip from me to you. > > -Rue. \*\* Ladies and gentlemen, I give you **Rue DeDay** , Father of the Year!!! ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/23 "2002-03-28T15:17:31Z")
> [@](#): > > If you want to keep from warping your kid Cal, you have to keep her out of humid places. Steams a killer. And if she does get wet, clamp her down to something straight. Like a table top. Just a parenting tip from me to you. It is not possible to clamp **Millical** down to anything. Or even hold her. We have tried. “Rugrats” will keep her in one place, however. ---
**Author:** ![Morgainelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Morgainelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgainelf)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/24 "2002-03-28T15:44:22Z")
When I was a kid my Dad used to tell me about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf wore a leather jacket and rode a Harley, IIRC. “Whatcha got in that basket, little girl…” It was rather lascivious, but completely hysterical. I _am_ a bit warped, come to think of it… ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/25 "2002-03-28T16:56:53Z")
_We’re on our way to Grandma’s house. Make it so, Number One! Warp Factor 5!_ And the Big Borg-ed Wolf says–\*"I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and resistence is futile, you \*\*will \*_be assimilated."_ ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/26 "2002-03-28T18:11:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CalMeacham \* > \*\* > > It is not possible to clamp **Millical** down to anything. Or even hold her. We have tried. “Rugrats” will keep her in one place, however. \*\* What? This is your first kid or something? You didn’t read the manual? You spike her juice box. I’d stay away from gin or tequilla, but that’s just me. This slows her down and lowers her manueverability. Then, I can’t believe I actually have to say this, duct tape. For the actual clamping, I’d use the springy kind. The one’s with the screw take too long to adjust. (But they do have a finer fit in the end. It’s a trade off.) -Rue. (just trying to help) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/27 "2002-03-28T18:54:05Z")
Might I suggest…\* Goldifinger Dr. No No Romperball From Russia with Gruel On Her Majesty’s Secret Pumpkin Poopie Royale Never say “Mine” Again The Man With the Golden Gum The SugarDaddy Who Loved Me \*and, of course _Octokitty._ ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/28 "2002-03-28T19:07:22Z")
You could tell her bedtime stories like “Animal Farm” and stuff… Try to make her communist through Jack and the Beanstock. Tell her Jack was ripped off by the guy who traded him for his cow, and if he lived in a communist society the govt would have given him a better deal rather than the price gouging prick. Yes, I’m bored. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Doubting\_Robert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e495f1/32.png) [@Doubting\_Robert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doubting_Robert)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/29 "2002-03-28T20:53:14Z")
**CalMeacham** and **Wisest Novel** , you sound like great parents. A lot of famous children’s book writers started off by publishing stories written for their own children. Maybe you should submit those stories somewhere. And don’t worry about the lost stories. The mind that thought them up can recreate them, or create others just as good. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/30 "2002-03-28T21:03:51Z")
[Fractured Fairy Tales!](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553099809/qid=1017348247/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/102-8816526-7870557) ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/31 "2002-03-28T21:17:31Z")
Additional items to the twisted fairytales… - Jack Rips Off A Bean Salesman (everyone knows magic beans are worth more than a scrawny old cow…) - Jack And The Tax Man (Hope the goose lays a lot… Capital gains are a killer!) - Jack The Giant Killer Gets Busted (operating an exteminating service w/o license) - Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be A Firebug… - Little Red Riding Hood vs. PETA - Grandma Marries A Wolf - Goldilocks Gets Busted (breaking and entering, you know… ) But the “Poor Billy Goats” is far-and-away her favorite story. She loves the bit about interviewing prospective trolls and all the goofy ways they fail the ‘demonstration’ portion of the interview. “Big Bad Wolf vs. Various Building Materials” is also pretty popular: She gets to suggest the building materials, I have to figure out how, or if, they fail, and what the consequnces are when they do. ‘Frogs’ was a good one… When Big Bad showed-up, one big huff at the house made of frogs and he was burried under an avalanche of frogs, which leaped and squirmed away, giving the Wolf a _bad_ case of warts. My daughter spent two days going “Eeeewww…” and giggling. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/32 "2002-03-29T03:50:50Z")
Tonight Millical asked for a replay of **Goldilocks and the Three Stooges** , which she found to be side-splittingly funny when I told it to her a couple of nights ago. I’m surprised – a far as I now, she’s never seen Larry, Moe, and Curly (except as cartoons on Scooby-Doo). I don’t like repeating, though, so I insisted on another stry. _She_ insisted on a “Goldilocks” story. I gave her three: \*\*Goldilocks and the Three Marx Bothers Goldilocks and the One Bear Mixed-up Goldilocks\*\* (“Goldilocks sat in the first bowl of porridge and said’This Porridge is too hot!’”) ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/33 "2002-03-29T11:24:49Z")
Well, if you run out of ideas, you can “borrow” the fairytales I wrote for our High School lit magazine when I was in my mid-teens… [Hansel, Gretal, And The Old Woman With The Car](http://www.geocities.com/theevilwriter/hansel.html) [The Three Bears and the Homeless Girl](http://www.geocities.com/theevilwriter/bears.html) [The Three Little Pigs and Elvis](http://www.geocities.com/theevilwriter/pig.html) [Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins](http://www.geocities.com/theevilwriter/sins.html) (most readers favorite) Unfortunately, The Poor Wolf and Big Bad Red Riding Hood (the 1st I wrote) has disappeared from the page, so I need to track it down to put up again. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/34 "2002-03-29T13:15:29Z")
**Cal, cal, cal** : How could you have missed: **Super-Goldilocks** : Rocketed from a dying planet, she lands near Grandma’s House, but the radiation of her ship (which was partially changed to Goldinite in the explosion) has mutated the Big Bad Wolf into the REALLY BIG Bad Wolf, with Goldinite vision. Oh yeah. And when she got to Earth, she was adopted by a kindly couple with a bald daughter. The daughter Lena, envied Goldilocks’ golden locks and became an evil scientist to try to steal Super-Goldilock’s hair for her own. Um…and she’ll have a boyfriend and to protect her ID she’ll wear a brown wig, but the boyfriend likes Super-Goldilocks better than Goldie in her secret ID. etc. You have about 15 years of Mort Weisinger stories you can swipe from! or **The Uncanny X-Goldilocks** : Her hair really IS gold. And it can grow real fast, and a guy, Professor X, invites Goldimutant to be part of his school for mutants with good hair. or **Spider-Goldilocks** : She’s bitten by a radioactive spider and can now use her hair swing between buildings. She can do whatever a spider can/catches crooks just like flies…etc Or how 'bout: \*\* Goldilocks Has a Spacesuit, Will Travel Goldilocks: Between Planets Goldilocks and the Star Beast Goldilocks and the Red Planet Goldilocks and the Tunnel in the Sky (she has to fight the Big Bad Stobor) Goldilocks and the Space Cadets \*\* and so on. Or, best of all (next to the Super-Goldilocks thing); Once there was a little girl who worked in a Jewish Deli. Her name was Goldilox… :: GD&R :: Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/35 "2002-03-29T14:57:41Z")
Read old Heinlein, much…? ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/36 "2002-03-29T15:38:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tranquilis \* > \*\*Read old Heinlein, much…? \*\* Hein…who? Never hear of him. On a completely unrelated note, some other suggestions: **Starship Goldilock** : “Bears, Ms Goldilocks! Zillions of 'em!” **I Will Fear No Wolves** : Goldie gets her brain transplanted into The Big Bad Wolf’s body **Goldie is a Harsh Mistress** : No you pervs. Nothing like that! Goldielocks leads a revolt of Lunar Colonist Piggies against their evil Wolf Masters! **Double Goldie** : Goldie is a lookalike for the President of the Earth and must take her place while the President is ill. **Time Enough For Goldie** : Goldie goes back in time and…um…how old is **Millical** again? Hmm… …and meets her younger self. They then team up to take on the Big Bad Wolf, The Three Bears, The Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella and the Witch from Hansel and Gretel. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/37 "2002-03-30T04:34:57Z")
[http://leemichaelwithers.tripod.com/storylady.htm](http://leemichaelwithers.tripod.com/storylady.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Denis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5e9695/32.png) [@Denis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Denis)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/38 "2002-03-30T13:28:33Z")
At Chez Smegma: **Piglet** in the Winnie the Pooh stories has been renamed **Bacon Sammich**. Goats **inevitably** make an appearance in stories. Goldilocks got busted for breaking and entering. ---
**Author:** ![Zap\_Rowsdower](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3da27b/32.png) [@Zap\_Rowsdower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zap_Rowsdower)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/39 "2002-03-30T14:23:09Z")
Plan Goldilocks From Outer Space Almost makes me wish I had a kid…oh well, I will just have to warp my nephews and niece. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/40 "2002-03-30T14:49:13Z")
May I just say that you are one kickass father? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440.md?page=3)