# I Am Warping my Daughter **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 27, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440 "2002-03-27T19:36:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/41 "2002-03-30T15:03:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zap\_Rowsdower \* > \*\*Plan Goldilocks From Outer Space > \*\* I _like_ this one: Dudley Manlove can yell at Tor Bearson “Your STUPID PORRIDGE! STUPID, STUPID PORRIDGE!” Someone else can say “This chair’s broken! Smashed! And someone’s responsible!” 😃 Fenris ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/42 "2002-03-30T20:47:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zap\_Rowsdower \* > **Plan Goldilocks From Outer Space** Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed! Sleeping? Then that would indicate sleepers. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2002, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/43 "2002-04-09T11:52:29Z")
I have created a monster. **MilliCal** is now _demanding_ “a story not from a book” every night. And they have to be “Goldilocks” stories. Her favorite seems to be “Goldilocks and the Three Stooges”, which is interesting, since she’s never even seen the Stooges. But she insists on the duck from “Goldilockls and the Four Marx Brothers” being in there. (“Say the secret woid and win a bowl of porridge. It’s a common word, something you see every day.”) Some other new ones: \*\*Goldilocks and the Three Blind Mice Goldilocks Rapunzel and the Three Bears\*\* (“There’s a hair in my porridge,” said Papa Bear.) **Goldilocks and the Three Musketeers** ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2002, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/44 "2002-04-09T14:47:30Z")
Hmm, how about **Goldilocks in Wonderland**? Goldi decides to get out of the forest on a vacation, wanders through a meadow, and chases a rabbit down a rabbit hole. Each night a different chapter, with her giving her unique Goldi outlook on situations. Tea party with the March Hare and Mad Hatter: “This tea is _too_ hot…” Add various supporting cast members (Stooges, Marx Bros., etc.) as needed. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2002, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/45 "2002-04-09T18:31:39Z")
Thanks, **DeniseV**. I’ve done Goldilocks in Wonderland, stealing more from Disney than from Carroll, but I didn’t think of sticking the Marx Brothers et al. in there! This gives possibilities for the future. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2002, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/46 "2002-04-10T00:56:58Z")
Goldilocks and the One Ring ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2002, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/47 "2002-04-10T05:42:32Z")
How about… Goldilocks and the Seven Samurai (“This katana is TOO sharp for Seppuku!”)…Maybe even “Snow White and the Seven Samurai”? Goldilocks meets Frankenstein Goldilocks and the Three Voorhees’ (Set at Ye Olde Campe Crystal Lake) Goldilocks and the Last Crusade (“This grail is just right!..Oops, my mistake! URK!”) Ranchoth ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2002, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/48 "2002-04-10T06:55:26Z")
Goldilocks and Robin Hood “This bow is too loose, this bow is too strong, but this bow is just right! Now hand over the gold and we’ll give it to the poor, after expenses of course!” ---
**Author:** ![RAWisSYDNEY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4491bb/32.png) [@RAWisSYDNEY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RAWisSYDNEY)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2002, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/49 "2002-04-10T08:11:08Z")
Goldilocks vs Stone Cold Steve Ausin at Wrestlemania live on Pay Per View! ---
**Author:** ![cmosdes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@cmosdes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmosdes)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2002, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/50 "2002-04-12T15:44:38Z")
I’m going to have to start doing this with my kids! What a great idea! How about an Academy theme: Goldbud Goldfather: “I’m going to make her some porridge she can’t refuse.” Goldilocks 13: On her trip to the bears house, something goes terribly wrong and the suspense builds on whether or not she will make it home. Saving Private Goldilocks: Uh… maybe not. Pulp Goldi: Definitely not Starlocks: During a desparate battle with the evil dark bear, the ruler makes his famous proclamation: Goldi, I am your father. A Few Good Goldilocks: “You can’t handle the porridge!” And who could forget the ever classic, “The Princess Goldilocks”. “Never go up against a bear when porridge is on the line.” “My name is Mama Bear. You slept in my bed. Prepare to die.” ---
**Author:** ![Skippman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Skippman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skippman)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2002, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/51 "2002-04-12T15:57:58Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by CalMeacham > Goldilocks vs. Godzilla **(“This porridge is way too hot”)** Thats funny. 😃 Oh dear… my co-workers all think I’m cracking up now. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2002, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/52 "2002-04-12T18:11:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zap\_Rowsdower \* > \*\*Plan Goldilocks From Outer Space > > \*\* Too easy, but I never said I wasn’t shameless… **"If you’re ever going to make it to that bed, you HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP!"** ---
**Author:** ![porkchop\_d\_clown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@porkchop\_d\_clown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porkchop_d_clown)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2002, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/53 "2002-04-12T19:59:23Z")
So, Having your mind go numb through repetition is never fun; so I’ve done way more than you’ve done in fractured bed time stories. For example, I’ve told my kids the stories of Little Red Michaelhood and the Big Bad Mary, Marylocks and the Three Michaels, The Three Marygoats Gruff and the TrollDaddy The Three DaddyGoats Gruff and the TrollMary and so on. And I should point out that my “normal” version of the three little pigs has fractured pretty badly right off the bat - featuring straws from McDonalds, Legos and repeated trips to Home Depot because they were out of those pretty cedar shingles that the girl pig (the only one with any brains) wanted. But what my kids really love are the fractured nursury rhymes. For example: The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout Out fell his brain and the spider just passed out Along came a frog who ate up all the brains And the itsy bitsy spider was… Well we had a lovely memorial service. Every body was there, Mother goose, Miss Muffet, Mary Quite Contrary, Jack, everybody. And so on. Hickory Dickory Dock, for example, features the little-known “exploding grandfather clock” verse. ---
**Author:** ![Anvil\_Miner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@Anvil\_Miner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anvil_Miner)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2002, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/54 "2002-04-12T23:04:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\*If you want to keep from warping your kid **Cal** , you have to keep her out of humid places. Steams a killer. And if she does get wet, clamp her down to something straight. Like a table top. Just a parenting tip from me to you. > > (And I want to hear about **Goldilocks vs. Godzilla**. Oh yeah!) > -Rue. \*\* 😕 How about Crouching Goldie, Hidden Latex ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2002, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/55 "2002-04-13T01:34:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by clayton\_e \* > \*\*Goldilocks and the 3 bears… It just sounds like a bad porn title. \*\* I was thinking the same thing about **TwistOfFate** ’s suggestion of “Godilocks and Shaft” How about _Goldi Does Dallas_ ---
**Author:** ![Koenshaku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5ac83/32.png) [@Koenshaku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koenshaku)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/56 "2002-04-15T09:32:39Z")
Heh heh heh… This thread’s pretty cool… How about Golidlocks in Plato’s Republic (where Goldilocks is the example of a philosopher-king), or Goldilocks’ Search for the Holy Grail (What is the optimum temperature of a bowl of porrige? African or European?), or Being Goldilocks (where the person enters Goldilocks’ mind and tries to kill the Big Bad Wolf, and teaches Hansel and Gretel how to become puppetteers…) ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/57 "2002-04-15T09:56:04Z")
When my kids were little tackers they loved, adored, positively DEVOURED any story that was gruesome, and the more 'orrible, the better as far as they were concerned. At one stage, when they were 2, 4, 6, and 8, they could recite ‘Mathilda, Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death’, a poem by Belloc. (the 2 year old was very verbal back then…now he’s 13 and he can’t do much more than grunt!). Then we had a resident dragon (courtesy of the imagination and woodworking skills of their dad) who would make nocturnal appearances to ensure they ate their dinner. Woe and betide any kid without much of an appetite when ‘Skarroff’ would creep up to the dining-room window, eyes aglow (miniature Xmas lights), smoke (really two little bits of incense) coming out of his nostrils. The kids would shit themselves, but as soon as Skarroff disappeared, they’d be screaming at him to come back! (His job was to finish the dinner of the recalcitrant eater, then for his dessert, to eat the KID!) Basically, it’s good to warp kids. Gives them an excuse for their dysfunctionality later in life… ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/58 "2002-04-15T10:06:51Z")
When my kids were little tackers they loved, adored, positively DEVOURED any story that was gruesome, and the more 'orrible, the better as far as they were concerned. At one stage, when they were 2, 4, 6, and 8, they could recite ‘Mathilda, Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death’, a poem by Belloc. (the 2 year old was very verbal back then…now he’s 13 and he can’t do much more than grunt!). Then we had a resident dragon (courtesy of the imagination and woodworking skills of their dad) who would make nocturnal appearances to ensure they ate their dinner. Woe and betide any kid without much of an appetite when ‘Skarroff’ would creep up to the dining-room window, eyes aglow (miniature Xmas lights), smoke (really two little bits of incense) coming out of his nostrils. The kids would shit themselves, but as soon as Skarroff disappeared, they’d be screaming at him to come back! (His job was to finish the dinner of the recalcitrant eater, then for his dessert, to eat the KID!) Basically, it’s good to warp kids. Gives them an excuse for their dysfunctionality later in life… ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/59 "2002-04-15T10:08:07Z")
There are times when I REALLY hate this board! Humble’s for the double post! ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440/60 "2002-04-15T11:31:16Z")
I recommend doing what my mother did: telling everything in exaggerated German accents cracked me and my brother up until we were at least early teenagers :). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-warping-my-daughter/100440.md?page=4)