# I am your king; you must come and pay homage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 30, 2019, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739 "2019-03-30T01:40:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/181 "2019-04-05T06:14:10Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Excellent – though you forgot one rule; occasionally the King will throw the Kingball. A player who is struck by the Kingball in the extremities is awarded one point; if struck in the body two points; if struck in the head, 3 points; and if struck in the genitals, 10 points and a Knighthood. At this point, the score becomes an imaginary number. Example scores from this point in past games have included “Q to 12”, “wisserteen”, and “3+4i”. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/182 "2019-04-05T06:37:34Z")
TYRANT! To the barricades! _produces two lit Molotov cocktails_ Come, brothers, sisters, non-binary-siblings, undecided, and robots! Join me at the barricades to topple this tyrant! In the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love, and a Hard Boiled Egg! _crickets_ Come on! For the Glorious People’s Republic of… Something-Or-Other! Come ooon, please? Somebody? Fine… _takes flaming rags out of Molotov cocktails and starts drinking them_ These barricades are garbage anyway, no skulls on spikes or burning tires… ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/183 "2019-04-05T08:59:26Z")
\*“April 5 is the Feast of the Royal Glabella. On this day, the old ladies of each village gather in the marketplace to perform the traditional ‘Dance of the Unibrow’. Commemorative tweezers are sold for the occasion.” \* ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/184 "2019-04-05T10:28:33Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > TYRANT! To the barricades! > _produces two lit Molotov cocktails_ > > Come, brothers, sisters, non-binary-siblings, undecided, and robots! Join me at the barricades to topple this tyrant! In the name of Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love, and a Hard Boiled Egg! > > _crickets_ > > Come on! For the Glorious People’s Republic of… Something-Or-Other! Come ooon, please? Somebody? Fine… > > _takes flaming rags out of Molotov cocktails and starts drinking them_ > > These barricades are garbage anyway, no skulls on spikes or burning tires… Hey, I like you. Stick around and eventually I’ll have a use for you. Any good with that axe? Thanks beck, you’re the greatest. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/185 "2019-04-05T14:34:20Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Well if he’s not one of yours, you might want to have Lumpy round him up for interrogation. He dresses like your people, must be a spy. More of a “wannabe”. All us cool kids have wannabees hanging around. > [@guestchaz](#): > > Now then, Sir! I am an _arteest_! (Not to be confused with artist) My work encompasses more scientific disciplines than mere astrology. My work requires the supervision of lackeys, slack jawed lackeys, henchmen, hirelings, minions, thugs, inside people, and disturbers of the peace. I have three, count 'em THREE certificates from a school I just made up a few days ago in the fine social sciences of, respectively, rabble rousing, fomenting unrest, and instigating rebellion. What do _you_ do? Sit around drinking the kings beer and look at the sky (and navels). > At least the ink is now dry on _my_ credentials. Beg pardon, Rouser of Rabbles, but I must correct a few points: 1. I have been an official, online doctor for almost 20 years. Look at my join date for confirmation. You are but a guest, chaz - and not even a paying one at that. When, pray tell, was the last decent unrest you formented? 2. Beer is for “arteests”. Sciency folk prefer scotch, brandy, Irish whiskey and the occasional autumnal mead. 3. We do not “look” upon stars and navels, we scientifically gaze upon them. Big difference. Huge difference. The budget for “looking” would hardly exceed $100 million per year. Scientific gazing takes it to a whole 'nuther level. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/186 "2019-04-05T14:45:37Z")
_“Top scientists have conclusively proven that **King iiii** is the only person to have ever truly looked at his own hand. I mean, **really** looked at it. I mean, like, **whoa**.”_ ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/187 "2019-04-05T18:36:04Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > More of a “wannabe”. All us cool kids have wannabees hanging around. > Beg pardon, Rouser of Rabbles, but I must correct a few points: > > 1. I have been an official, online doctor for almost 20 years. Look at my join date for confirmation. You are but a guest, chaz - and not even a paying one at that. When, pray tell, was the last decent unrest you formented? > 2. Beer is for “arteests”. Sciency folk prefer scotch, brandy, Irish whiskey and the occasional autumnal mead. > 3. We do not “look” upon stars and navels, we scientifically gaze upon them. Big difference. Huge difference. The budget for “looking” would hardly exceed $100 million per year. Scientific gazing takes it to a whole 'nuther level. I would answer your questions about my career, but I cant. NDA and all that. As far as the beer, I didn’t see any liquor bottles the other day when I came through. I wasn’t looking for them specifically though so theres that. There were a couple of cases of keystone in the fridge and some cans of, Japanese? something I’m guessing was an alcoholic beverage. This arteest doesn’t drink beer, when I drink it’s scotch or wine depending on the setting. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/188 "2019-04-05T18:47:35Z")
Beckers: You’re right, no kazoos or slide whistles, but I found a jar of fart putty! Jasmine: You nominating me for executioner or executionee? I really don’t care for either one. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/189 "2019-04-06T01:15:29Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Any good with that axe? Of course I am! Not right this minute, though, those things’ll give you the _meanest_ hang over. It’s probably all the copper I dissolved in there. Green fire just makes the revolution feel more festive, y’know? Anyway, I can see where you’re going with this. Guillotines are nice and all, but they lack a certain personal touch. If you need me I’ll be marauding about the countryside. _Someone’s_ gotta take advantage of the instability and lawlessness caused by dynastic struggle. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/190 "2019-04-06T02:42:01Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > Beckers: > > You’re right, no kazoos or slide whistles, but I found a jar of fart putty! > Jasmine: > > You nominating me for executioner or executionee? I really don’t care for either one. > ~VOW I have a whoopee cushion somewhere. Not one the of the cheesy ones they sell now. It’s an authentic off-the-back-of-the-comic-book ones. I’m digging it out. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/191 "2019-04-06T03:15:26Z")
The whoopee cushion would be most appropriate for Walken After Midnight’s Groom of the Stool. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/192 "2019-04-06T03:55:52Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > The whoopee cushion would be most appropriate for Walken After Midnight’s Groom of the Stool. > ~VOW I hate to bring this up about our speshul King iiii. He has no need for a whoopee cushion. He gassier than a gas grill cooking unwashed chitlins. Who is the royal Physician? We need to intervene. The stool groom is unconscious and probably brain dead. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/193 "2019-04-06T06:10:08Z")
And here I figured the Groom of the Stool was the one who shoveled out the stables and moved the biffies to level ground! ~ ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/194 "2019-04-06T06:17:19Z")
I thought the Stool dude was the ass-wiper. If that’s not his job what was he doing in the WC? I think we’ve uncovered a plot. The King may be in dire straights. I ain’t goin’ in there. We need a peon or 2. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/195 "2019-04-06T06:48:49Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > Of course I am! Not right this minute, though, those things’ll give you the _meanest_ hang over. It’s probably all the copper I dissolved in there. Green fire just makes the revolution feel more festive, y’know? > > Anyway, I can see where you’re going with this. Guillotines are nice and all, but they lack a certain personal touch. If you need me I’ll be marauding about the countryside. _Someone’s_ gotta take advantage of the instability and lawlessness caused by dynastic struggle. Normally, modesty and job description prevent me from doing this, but you’re welcome for the opportunity for marauding. I won’t claim credit for most of it, but, you know. Ah, I do apologize for the lack of pillage and plunder. The royal observatory has requested full advanced funding for their projected retirement/bar bill for the next 150 years, I’m guessing by the numbers bandied about in the dispatches and interoffice memos. That and the new medical facility, so things might seem a little tight right now, what with the taxes and all. Hey, see if you can hook up with that Lumpy guy, he wanted to form a military outfit, sounded like it might be something you’d like, maybe. If I can get him turned, I’m gonna see what I can do about getting him set up with a provisional unit by my bosses since the king turned him down on that. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/196 "2019-04-06T09:25:28Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I hate to bring this up about our speshul King iiii. He has no need for a whoopee cushion. He gassier than a gas grill cooking unwashed chitlins. > > Who is the royal Physician? We need to intervene. The stool groom is unconscious and probably brain dead. Luckily, and by royal decree, the Royal Flatulence smells like roses. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2019, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/197 "2019-04-06T13:59:19Z")
My GAWD! All hail the omnipotent King! He made the roses smell like farts! _bowing_ ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2019, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/198 "2019-04-08T09:35:48Z")
_“April 8 is the Feast of the King’s Right Big Toenail. The populace spend the day engaged in solemn contemplation and preventative fungal treatments.”_ ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2019, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/199 "2019-04-08T14:19:55Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > _“April 8 is the Feast of the King’s Right Big Toenail. The populace spend the day engaged in solemn contemplation and preventative fungal treatments.”_ Don’t forget the ceremonial padding of the bases of furniture so that toes aren’t stubbed in the middle of the night during trips to the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2019, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/200 "2019-04-08T14:30:23Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Don’t forget the ceremonial padding of the bases of furniture so that toes aren’t stubbed in the middle of the night during trips to the bathroom. That usually goes with the Feast of the King’s Right Pinky Toe (February 22). But if you like, I can ask the Royal Diarist to apply it to all toe-themed feast days. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=11)