# I am your king; you must come and pay homage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 30, 2019, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739 "2019-03-30T01:40:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2019, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/201 "2019-04-08T14:38:32Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > That usually goes with the Feast of the King’s Right Pinky Toe (February 22). But if you like, I can ask the Royal Diarist to apply it to all toe-themed feast days. Yes, please do so! There can be no pause in the everlasting struggle against ouchies. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/202 "2019-04-09T03:46:06Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Ah, I do apologize for the lack of pillage and plunder. The royal observatory has requested full advanced funding for their projected retirement/bar bill for the next 150 years, I’m guessing by the numbers bandied about in the dispatches and interoffice memos. Well, _hic_ me and somomama boysh an’ girls found this cart, and we _hic_ and we got our ambushesh on, guess wha we found? We founda buncha boxes with “shientific research” written on em! Well, we _hic_ busted ‘em all open, lookin’ for shiny weaponsh an’ things, but we were wrong! It was a buncha liquor! King dude, ye’re alright, y’know? Havin’ poorly guarded _hic_ liquor transhports movin’ though the wilderness. You really know howta treat a company of _hic_ banditsh. I ain’t gonna give any 'ommage or nuthin, it just wouldn’t look right, but keep _hic_ keep it up and mebbe we’ll shtay away from yer private estates. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/203 "2019-04-09T09:12:50Z")
_“April 9 is the Feast of the King’s Gall Bladder. Traditional observances include the ingestion of fatty foods, the Parade of Stones, and greeting one another with the jovial cry ‘What the f\*\*k is a gall bladder anyway?’.”_ ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/204 "2019-04-09T10:22:58Z")
What are your warmaking capabilities against the neighboring kingdom of Trumpistan? Very important for us to know before we send over our loot in homage. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/205 "2019-04-09T13:14:15Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > What are your warmaking capabilities against the neighboring kingdom of Trumpistan? Very important for us to know before we send over our loot in homage. My Kingdom is entirely peaceful and also invincible to any military incursion. It’s hard to put it into words, but perhaps the easiest way to think about it is that my Kingdom lies on a different plane of existence than any others. Anyone and everyone is free to enter or leave as they wish, though while within my Kingdom they are subject to my rule. ---
**Author:** ![Jumpbass](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jumpbass/32/147_2.png) [@Jumpbass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jumpbass)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/206 "2019-04-09T14:45:20Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > _“April 8 is the Feast of the King’s Right Big Toenail. The populace spend the day engaged in solemn contemplation and preventative fungal treatments.”_ Sire, your Royal Minstrel has composed a cantata in celebration of The Feast Of The King’s Right Big Toenail. It is titled “Nailed It! the Musical”. Songs include “Wash Yer Feet”, “%#@&, Stubbed It Again” and the traditional carol, “This Little Piggy”. The accompaniment is scored for three bagpipes, banjo and latin percussion. All bow down to **King iiandyiiii**. May his reign be golden. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2019, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/207 "2019-04-09T15:06:00Z")
> [@Jumpbass](#): > > Sire, your Royal Minstrel has composed a cantata in celebration of The Feast Of The King’s Right Big Toenail. It is titled “Nailed It! the Musical”. Songs include “Wash Yer Feet”, “%#@&, Stubbed It Again” and the traditional carol, “This Little Piggy”. > > The accompaniment is scored for three bagpipes, banjo and latin percussion. > > All bow down to **King iiandyiiii**. May his reign be golden. Wonderful! You are granted your pick of livestock from the Royal Herds. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/208 "2019-04-10T02:26:17Z")
_hmmm that Dr. And his careless servants ordering all that booze and letting it get hijacked…a careful whisper into Lumpy’s ear ought to take care of it, whether it was the astrologer or the people responsible for making the delivery. \ damned difficult to foment anything when everyone’s pickled. Maybe we should just snag Lumpy, and bring in Regaliag fellow and his merry band of marauders for an interview and skills test and call it good. Hmm yeah, Beck seems to be in a good spot, being Empress and all, plus now she knows where to get toygers_ You there, lackey, take dictation and personally deliver a copy to HR and the Board back at Corporate… _Man, I sure hope the loan sharks don’t get upset. Specially that Augustus guy, I don’t trust him._ ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/209 "2019-04-10T02:42:02Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Luckily, and by royal decree, the Royal Flatulence smells like roses. Yeah and that weren’t beans you were scarfing down. (Don’t get lost in the role and start believing your own press) ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/210 "2019-04-10T09:22:47Z")
_“April 10 is the Feast of the King’s Left Hip, a day dedicated to hula hoop competitions. The best hula-hoopers receive a much-coveted invitation to the Royal Luau, an evening event filled with pork, pineapple, rum, flowery leis, and people doing that dance with the twirling torches. Vegetarians and those who avoid pork for religious reasons may opt for a soy-based imitation roast pig but may also be subject to general mockery, and rightly so.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/211 "2019-04-10T10:19:21Z")
Ooh, can I be the official Hula Hooper, or, to give it its formal name, Hooper of the Hulas? I can do tricks and everything! Payment in unusual animals please. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/212 "2019-04-10T11:05:17Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > Ooh, can I be the official Hula Hooper, or, to give it its formal name, Hooper of the Hulas? I can do tricks and everything! > > Payment in unusual animals please. You are hereby made the Royal Hula Hooper. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/213 "2019-04-10T11:06:08Z")
Be careful what you wish for - I believe they’re looking for a place to keep the extra pigs ahead of tonight’s roast. How big is your bedroom? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/214 "2019-04-10T11:07:26Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > _“April 10 is the Feast of the King’s Left Hip, a day dedicated to hula hoop competitions. The best hula-hoopers receive a much-coveted invitation to the Royal Luau, an evening event filled with pork, pineapple, rum, flowery leis, and people doing that dance with the twirling torches. Vegetarians and those who avoid pork for religious reasons may opt for a soy-based imitation roast pig but may also be subject to general mockery, and rightly so.”_ Assuming you have enough goats, you are hereby granted the finest peacock in the Royal Flock. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/215 "2019-04-10T11:50:45Z")
Hey why I don’t get a peacock? You’re playing favorites again, oh benevolent one. I think as well as Royal ‘Crazy’ cat Lady, I need an office to hold, I have way too much free time. I start plotting coups and other bad things, you know just in my mind. Sad, really. All my talents are wasted. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/216 "2019-04-10T13:36:14Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Hey why I don’t get a peacock? > You’re playing favorites again, oh benevolent one. > I think as well as Royal ‘Crazy’ cat Lady, I need an office to hold, I have way too much free time. I start plotting coups and other bad things, you know just in my mind. Sad, really. All my talents are wasted. You may have a peacock, and however many cats you desire. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/217 "2019-04-10T15:08:10Z")
_“ **King iiii** once created his own bespoke commercial fragrance derived from jasmine, sandalwood, and his own natural musk. Unfortunately the king was forced to withdraw it from the market due to its unforeseen effectiveness, which led to a sudden and extreme population spike. The king now holds all remaining supplies of the fragrance, which are reserved for personal use at certain ‘private and intimate gatherings’ at the Palace.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/218 "2019-04-10T23:10:31Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > \*hmmm that Dr. And his careless servants ordering all that booze and letting it get hijacked…a careful whisper into Lumpy’s ear ought to take care of it, whether it was the astrologer or the people responsible for making the delivery. Ha! You laypeople are so easy to fool! The shipment that the Axeman “plundered” was but a decoy. Not only did it allow my real shipment to arrive on schedule, the decoy was made up of old whiskey bottles filled with methyl alcohol and resealed - which should take care of most those marauders once and for all. Science!!! By the way, King 6 i’s, our scientific gazing and supplies have allowed us to discover a new constellation. It depicts a young, virile male of great handsomeness. We have named it “Andy”. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/219 "2019-04-10T23:19:45Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Ha! You laypeople are so easy to fool! The shipment that the Axeman “plundered” was but a decoy. Not only did it allow my real shipment to arrive on schedule, the decoy was made up of old whiskey bottles filled with methyl alcohol and resealed - which should take care of most those marauders once and for all. Science!!! > > By the way, King 6 i’s, our scientific gazing and supplies have allowed us to discover a new constellation. It depicts a young, virile male of great handsomeness. We have named it “Andy”. Wonderful! You are awarded the most attractive sheep in the kingdom. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2019, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/220 "2019-04-11T00:52:06Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Hey why I don’t get a peacock? > You’re playing favorites again, oh benevolent one. > I think as well as Royal ‘Crazy’ cat Lady, I need an office to hold, I have way too much free time. I start plotting coups and other bad things, you know just in my mind. Sad, really. All my talents are wasted. Beck, BAY-BEE, decline any peacocks. They scream. Constantly. My son lived in Peacock-ville, and he worked nights. While trying to sleep during daylight hours, the peacocks challenged each other in screaming matches. They also poop everywhere. Someday, I shall relate the story of when a juvenile peacock (he had a WIDDLE tail) had been screaming near Mr VOW and the idiot bird turned his back on my husband. As a reflex, my husband hauled off and kicked the bird, who sailed through the air like aiming between the goalposts. Onlookers applauded and cheered! ~VOW [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=12)