# I am your king; you must come and pay homage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 30, 2019, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739 "2019-03-30T01:40:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/161 "2019-04-04T09:24:28Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > \*"April 4 is the Feast of the King’s Left Earlobe. > > When a feast to honor **King iiii** was first mooted, his adoring subjects protested on the grounds that the King’s awesomeness was too great to be confined to a mere single feast day. It was therefore decreed that each day of the year would be set aside to praise and celebrate a different specific body part of the King, thus allowing for full public appreciation of all parts of His Royal Resplendence. For example, June 8 is the Feast of the King’s Left Nostril, while October 14 is the Feast of the King’s Spleen. The only exception is the entire month of August which is dedicated to the King’s Genitals, it being chosen due to it being one of the longest and hottest months."\* Brilliant! You are hereby awarded a third goat. This one tends to faint and fall over if you surprise it. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/162 "2019-04-04T09:31:46Z")
Thank you, Your Kingliness. That’s a lot of goats, though. I might have to re-gift one of them next Kingsthirdnipplemas. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/163 "2019-04-04T12:29:20Z")
Pssst, hey beck, ya wanna help me with my project? I ain’t gonna promise ya real tigers but I bet I can find out where you can get [Bengal](https://www.google.com/search?q=Bengal.cat&tbm=isch&tbs=qdr:w&prmd=isvn&hl=en&ved=2ahUKEwjp6JWItbbhAhVG2p8KHVudDAIQ3Z8EegQIARAC&biw=360&bih=560) Tabbys. It’s like having a mini-tiger looking house cat. They’re only super expensive and hard to get instead of superduper expensive and hard to get, I promise.(scroll down a ways to get to the more tigery looking ones) So heres my pitch, I’ve been trying to work out this story line about some Eye-talion mobsters named Big Julie (da boss of bosses) and his right hand man and bestest bud, Da Brute. I’ve got a couple of high ranking mob soldiers named Mark and Tony along with their molls Cleo and Petra (egyptian and greek curiously enough). The working title right now is “Ware the iiiiii’s of andy” Interested? We can blow this popsicle joint and go somewhere less fever dreamy if you want. (No seriously, we can blow this place, I’ve got it wired so tight right now, I had to keep shooing off that little guy with the funny hat and tutu, Marvin) ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/164 "2019-04-04T12:47:17Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Pssst, hey beck, ya wanna help me with my project? I ain’t gonna promise ya real tigers but I bet I can find out where you can get [Bengal](https://www.google.com/search?q=Bengal.cat&tbm=isch&tbs=qdr:w&prmd=isvn&hl=en&ved=2ahUKEwjp6JWItbbhAhVG2p8KHVudDAIQ3Z8EegQIARAC&biw=360&bih=560) Tabbys. It’s like having a mini-tiger looking house cat. They’re only super expensive and hard to get instead of superduper expensive and hard to get, I promise.(scroll down a ways to get to the more tigery looking ones) > > So heres my pitch, I’ve been trying to work out this story line about some Eye-talion mobsters named Big Julie (da boss of bosses) and his right hand man and bestest bud, Da Brute. I’ve got a couple of high ranking mob soldiers named Mark and Tony along with their molls Cleo and Petra (egyptian and greek curiously enough). The working title right now is “Ware the iiiiii’s of andy” > Interested? We can blow this popsicle joint and go somewhere less fever dreamy if you want. > (No seriously, we can blow this place, I’ve got it wired so tight right now, I had to keep shooing off that little guy with the funny hat and tutu, Marvin) The game’s afoot. I like them little Bengals. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/165 "2019-04-04T13:24:09Z")
King iiandyiiii, I am pleased to present to you our first scientific discoveries from the Royal Observatory on Mount iiii - to wit: 1. There are odd, twinkly lights in the night sky. We have named them “stars”. They are quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. 2. We have discovered marvels that we call “bellybuttons”, both our own and others. These are also quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. They are also fantastic for holding dip for our chips. 3. Scientific gazing for hours on end is hard work and makes us thirsty. 4. The Royal fridge is near depleted. A emergency re-supply of “scientific supplies” is desperately needed so that we may maintain the appropriate environment to continue our fascinating work. Our preferred supplier is Saul’s Package and Snack Emporium. They deliver. We probably shouldn’t drive. Or walk. Or move much at all. 5. When you said “a small staff” you weren’t kidding. These folks are barely 4’ tall. They revel well, though (when not actively gazing). ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/166 "2019-04-04T13:27:56Z")
_“The national pastime is a sport invented by **King iiii** known as Kingball, which is played thusly: The ball is held by the King, who sits watching the match from his throne in the stands. The opposing teams rush around the field hitting each other with large sticks. Play continues until the King gets bored, whereupon the ritual known as Taking His Ball And Going Home occurs. No points are scored, but all the players get pizza, beer and ice cream afterwards.”_ ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/167 "2019-04-04T13:45:38Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > King iiandyiiii, I am pleased to present to you our first scientific discoveries from the Royal Observatory on Mount iiii - to wit: > > 1. There are odd, twinkly lights in the night sky. We have named them “stars”. They are quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. > 2. We have discovered marvels that we call “bellybuttons”, both our own and others. These are also quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. They are also fantastic for holding dip for our chips. > 3. Scientific gazing for hours on end is hard work and makes us thirsty. > 4. The Royal fridge is near depleted. A emergency re-supply of “scientific supplies” is desperately needed so that we may maintain the appropriate environment to continue our fascinating work. Our preferred supplier is Saul’s Package and Snack Emporium. They deliver. We probably shouldn’t drive. Or walk. Or move much at all. > 5. When you said “a small staff” you weren’t kidding. These folks are barely 4’ tall. They revel well, though (when not actively gazing). Well done! You are awarded with temporary and limited access to the Royal Platinum Card, which should enable you to replenish your supplies. The Royal Treasury is limitless, but it’s still wise to exercise some degree of prudence and thriftiness. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/168 "2019-04-04T13:47:59Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > _“The national pastime is a sport invented by **King iiii** known as Kingball, which is played thusly: The ball is held by the King, who sits watching the match from his throne in the stands. The opposing teams rush around the field hitting each other with large sticks. Play continues until the King gets bored, whereupon the ritual known as Taking His Ball And Going Home occurs. No points are scored, but all the players get pizza, beer and ice cream afterwards.”_ Excellent – though you forgot one rule; occasionally the King will throw the Kingball. A player who is struck by the Kingball in the extremities is awarded one point; if struck in the body two points; if struck in the head, 3 points; and if struck in the genitals, 10 points and a Knighthood. The pandemonium that ensues when the players scramble to thrust out their crotches in the path of the ball can be most entertaining. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/169 "2019-04-04T16:54:42Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > King iiandyiiii, I am pleased to present to you our first scientific discoveries from the Royal Observatory on Mount iiii - to wit: > > 1. There are odd, twinkly lights in the night sky. We have named them “stars”. They are quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. > 2. We have discovered marvels that we call “bellybuttons”, both our own and others. These are also quite fun to gaze at for hours on end. They are also fantastic for holding dip for our chips. > 3. Scientific gazing for hours on end is hard work and makes us thirsty. > 4. The Royal fridge is near depleted. A emergency re-supply of “scientific supplies” is desperately needed so that we may maintain the appropriate environment to continue our fascinating work. Our preferred supplier is Saul’s Package and Snack Emporium. They deliver. We probably shouldn’t drive. Or walk. Or move much at all. > 5. When you said “a small staff” you weren’t kidding. These folks are barely 4’ tall. They revel well, though (when not actively gazing). Hey, is that little Marvin fella one of your’s? Funny hat, a tutu and sneakers? I’m over here trying to wire the place up for, uuuh, sound and he keeps poking around my work and muttering about views of Venus and modulators and stuff. He’s sorta underfoot and I got some wireing that’s gonna be carrying some heavy charge. I’d hate for him to get hurt [del]prematu[/del] unnecessarily. Could you control your people please? ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/170 "2019-04-04T17:01:47Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > You are hereby made the Royal Crier, in charge of making Royal Pronouncements to the court and the kingdom at large. Yay!!! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/171 "2019-04-04T17:11:23Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Are y’all actively trying to usurp my position at court? This does not make me happy. Which in turn will piss off King iiii. People might be be-headed. I’m just saying. Oh, dear, no! He’s king, but you’re empress, so you still outrank him. There’s plenty of homage to go around. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/172 "2019-04-04T17:19:22Z")
Reading VOW’s wise ass and disrespectful posts made me realize that you have yet to appoint an executioner. Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/173 "2019-04-04T17:26:37Z")
Ok, beck, so here’s the plan for now, you’re going to be the inside person for the revolution. I need to to get as deep into the king’s inner circle as possible. As a sign on bonus, I’m upping your pay from Bengal cats to all the [toygers](https://www.google.com/search?q=toyger&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjGqan59rbhAhXTnJ4KHczWCz0Q2-cCegQIABAC&oq=toyger&gs_l=mobile-gws-wiz-img.3..0j0i67j0l2j0i67.8669.19584..23511...7.0..2.197.3531.0j25......0....1.......0..33i299j0i10.sMNtpUj1Jts&ei=TjqmXMbKBtO5-gTMra_oAw&bih=560&biw=360&prmd=sinv) that you can [afford](https://tica.org/toyger-breeders). You’re in luck as well, as there seems to be a breeder right there in your state. And remember, I’ve been appointed as court rouser, fomenter and instigator (quite the steal at zero pay and I come with my own staff) so any info you give us is already approved. ---
**Author:** ![Walken\_After\_Midnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b487fb/32.png) [@Walken\_After\_Midnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walken_After_Midnight)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/174 "2019-04-04T17:33:21Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > I need to to get as deep into the king’s inner circle as possible. May I suggest you apply for the position of [Groom of the Stool](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool)? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/175 "2019-04-04T20:18:43Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Well done! You are awarded with temporary and limited access to the Royal Platinum Card, which should enable you to replenish your supplies. The Royal Treasury is limitless, but it’s still wise to exercise some degree of prudence and thriftiness. Temporary and limited should be quite sufficient, Liege of 6 i’s. We fully expect this project to wrap up no later than the day after my 100th birthday in 2063 and come in slightly under the initial budget forecast of $120 billion. > [@guestchaz](#): > > Hey, is that little Marvin fella one of your’s? Funny hat, a tutu and sneakers? I’m over here trying to wire the place up for, uuuh, sound and he keeps poking around my work and muttering about views of Venus and modulators and stuff. He’s sorta underfoot and I got some wireing that’s gonna be carrying some heavy charge. I’d hate for him to get hurt [del]prematu[/del] unnecessarily. Could you control your people please? I can see why _you_ didn’t get a sciency job. Clearly he is not one of my workers as our hats are funnier, our tutus tutuier and our sneakers are much more sneaky. Sheesh, laypeople… ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/176 "2019-04-04T21:27:43Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Oh! > Oh, well in that case, I saw a lump somewhere up thread, I think it was labeled stew, or stu…no…enforcer, yeah, a big old lump of enforcer stu, er stew meat. \ ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/177 "2019-04-04T21:43:37Z")
By the way Your Majesty, as long as everyone has their hand out I respectfully request room in the budget for the following items: [ul] [li]Royal Neurosurgery Research Center[/li][li]Formation of Special Operations Group (aka. “The Baby Killers”)[/li][li]Industrial scale waste digester[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/178 "2019-04-04T21:59:32Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > By the way Your Majesty, as long as everyone has their hand out I respectfully request room in the budget for the following items: > > [ul] > > [li]Royal Neurosurgery Research Center[/li] > [li]Formation of Special Operations Group (aka. “The Baby Killers”)[/li] > [li]Industrial scale waste digester[/li] > [/ul] The first is granted. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2019, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/179 "2019-04-04T22:05:26Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Temporary and limited should be quite sufficient, Liege of 6 i’s. We fully expect this project to wrap up no later than the day after my 100th birthday in 2063 and come in slightly under the initial budget forecast of $120 billion. > > I can see why _you_ didn’t get a sciency job. Clearly he is not one of my workers as our hats are funnier, our tutus tutuier and our sneakers are much more sneaky. Sheesh, laypeople… Well if he’s not one of yours, you might want to have Lumpy round him up for interrogation. He dresses like your people, must be a spy. Now then, Sir! I am an _arteest_! (Not to be confused with artist) My work encompasses more scientific disciplines than mere astrology. My work requires the supervision of lackeys, slack jawed lackeys, henchmen, hirelings, minions, thugs, inside people, and disturbers of the peace. I have three, count 'em THREE certificates from a school I just made up a few days ago in the fine social sciences of, respectively, rabble rousing, fomenting unrest, and instigating rebellion. What do _you_ do? Sit around drinking the kings beer and look at the sky (and navels). At least the ink is now dry on _my_ credentials. makes note to look into this \*\*Lumpy \*\* person. Seems like the quiet, solid dependable sort that is sorely lacking in the organizational flow chart right now. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739/180 "2019-04-05T00:20:26Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Ok, beck, so here’s the plan for now, you’re going to be the inside person for the revolution. I need to to get as deep into the king’s inner circle as possible. > > As a sign on bonus, I’m upping your pay from Bengal cats to all the [toygers](https://www.google.com/search?q=toyger&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjGqan59rbhAhXTnJ4KHczWCz0Q2-cCegQIABAC&oq=toyger&gs_l=mobile-gws-wiz-img.3..0j0i67j0l2j0i67.8669.19584..23511...7.0..2.197.3531.0j25......0....1.......0..33i299j0i10.sMNtpUj1Jts&ei=TjqmXMbKBtO5-gTMra_oAw&bih=560&biw=360&prmd=sinv) that you can [afford](https://tica.org/toyger-breeders). You’re in luck as well, as there seems to be a breeder right there in your state. > > And remember, I’ve been appointed as court rouser, fomenter and instigator (quite the steal at zero pay and I come with my own staff) so any info you give us is already approved. You can’t any closer that the Kings right hand, except maybe that Stool guy. I ain’t doing that. Nope. Have you seen what he eats? But, I love those ‘toygers’…I’ll see what I can do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-your-king-you-must-come-and-pay-homage/831739.md?page=10)