# I Apologize in Advance **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 28, 2016, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094 "2016-07-28T06:37:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SigMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SigMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SigMan)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/41 "2016-07-29T16:07:34Z")
> [@Jennshark](#): > > Q: What special rescue vehicle is sent to steamroller accidents? > A: A flatulance Funny, I thought it was for victims of farts. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![RadioWave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/91b2a8/32.png) [@RadioWave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadioWave)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/42 "2016-07-29T21:51:37Z")
Another hospital joke… A woman got into a horrible accident and fell into a deep, deep coma, completely unresponsive to the world. One day, a nurse was giving her a sponge bath when she accidentally touched her… down there… and, to her surprise, the patient moaned. The nurse ran to get the doctor who conferred with all his peers and then called up the woman’s husband. The doctor explained that her only hope for a meaningful recovery was for the husband to go to her bed and make love to his wife. The man was unsure that he could do this but the doctor told him it was her last chance and that it would help if he could just remember all the times they had made love before. So the man went in but came out not five minutes later looking pale as a ghost. “Doctor!”, he cried, “I think she’s dead!” “What happened?” asked the doctor? “I think she choked on it!” ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/43 "2016-07-29T23:20:01Z")
> [@kferr](#): > > Q: What did the slug say to the snail? > A: “Big Issue sir?” Cute. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/44 "2016-07-29T23:41:18Z")
So, this baby seal walks into a club… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/45 "2016-07-29T23:47:09Z")
A duck walks into a bar and says “Got any bread?” The barman says “No.” The duck says “Got any bread?” The barman says “No!” - “Got any bread?”, - “I said, N - O, No!” - “Got any bread?” - “For crying out loud, N - O spells NO, and I mean NO!” - “Got any bread?” - “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!11!!!” - “Got any bread?” - “Look, you @#\*&, if you ask me one more @#\*& time if I’ve got any bread, I’m going to nail your \*$%^ beak to the %!#@ bar!!1!!111!!!” - “Got any nails?” - “No!” - “Got any bread?” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/46 "2016-07-30T10:04:31Z")
> [@kferr](#): > > Q: What did the slug say to the snail? > A: “Big Issue sir?” > [@Riemann](#): > > Cute. Sorry, I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/47 "2016-07-30T10:11:40Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Sorry, I don’t get it. “[The Big Issue](https://www.bigissue.org.uk/)” is a UK magazine often sold by homeless people, to give them a way to make a bit of money without panhandling. The snail has his home on his back, but… ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/48 "2016-07-30T10:13:24Z")
Okay, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/49 "2016-07-30T16:14:29Z")
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street juggler. The juggler notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?” “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.” mmm ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/50 "2016-07-30T18:21:01Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street juggler. The juggler notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?” > “Yes.” > “Oui.” > “Si.” > “Ja.” Tangentially, do we still have Spaniards in polite company? I thought maybe they had gone the way of Chinamen, but I could be mistaken. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2016, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/51 "2016-07-30T22:32:36Z")
> [@Riemann](#): > > Tangentially, do we still have Spaniards in polite company? I thought maybe they had gone the way of Chinamen, but I could be mistaken. Huh, this is news to me. I await clarification. mmm ETA: I (quickly) scanned the Wiki entry on Spaniard, saw no mention of controversy or offense. FWIW I think it’s a pretty cool word. ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2016, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/52 "2016-08-02T00:04:30Z")
If the election doesn’t turn out my way, I think I’m going to move to Switzerland. I’m not sure if I’ll like it there, but the flag is a big plus. ---
**Author:** ![Vicsage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e68b1a/32.png) [@Vicsage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vicsage)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2016, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094/53 "2016-08-02T00:45:44Z")
There are 4 people on a bench. One Jewish, one black, one Mexican, and a white racist. They spot this lamp by the side of the road. Grab it and out pops a Genie. He offers to give each of them 1 wish. The Jewish man wishes that all the Jewish people could go back to their homeland and live in peace with their neighbors. The genie grants the wish and instantly all the jewish people are transported back to Isreal where they live in peace and prosperity with their neighbors. Next the genie asks the black man what he wants. He wishes for all the black people to go back to their homeland as if slavery never happened and that they too could live in peace and prosperity. Instantly the genie grants the wish. Next he asks the Mexican what he wants. His wish is that the living conditions and jobs were so good back in Mexico that all the Mexicans could return and be happy. Once again the genie grants the wish. Finally the genie comes to the racist and asks him his one wish. The racist thinks for a moment and says, “Let me get this straight. All the Jewish people are back in Isreal, all the Black people are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico.” The Genie says. “Yes.” The racists thinks for a second and say, “Just give me a coke.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-apologize-in-advance/761094.md?page=2)