# "I assure you we are OPEN"-The Clerks Appreciation Thread! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 8, 2001, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470 "2001-08-08T17:01:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![shannybonanny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@shannybonanny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shannybonanny)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/1 "2001-08-08T17:01:13Z")
I came across this movie in Hastings last night on DVD and grabbed the last copy. I can’t believe I forgot about it! It seems like I saw it at _least_ a half-dozen times in high school. So I thought I’d start a thread to see if anyone else remembers it as fondly as I do. Oh, and my personal favorite part- “The biggest pair you ever saw, dingleberry!” ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/2 "2001-08-08T17:05:15Z")
Chicks with dicks! Her body fell out! I work in a _shitty_ video store! This job would be great if it weren’t for all the customers. You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you. [ul]_Amen, brother, amen._[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/3 "2001-08-08T17:08:07Z")
Clerks - good goddamn, what a movie! “_Thirty-seven?!_” We were listening to Kevin Smith on NPR day before yesterday; the guy is a hoot. Real down-to-earth type. It’s nice to know even he didn’t dig _Mallrats_ that much. **Valkyrie** and I are dead set on going to see _Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back_ when it hits the theaters. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/4 "2001-08-08T17:16:21Z")
I’ve yet to check out the DVD version. Maybe I will tonight – I’d like to hear the commentary and check the deleted scenes and all that cool stuff. I had seen it a dozen times when I decided that I needed to own it, so I bought the video about a month before Christmas. What do you think I got for Christmas? A DVD player. Eh, mis-timing. “You think that’s offensive, take a look at this. I think you can see her kidneys.” That friggin’ cracks me up every stinking time! ---
**Author:** ![Montfort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Montfort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montfort)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/5 "2001-08-08T17:20:42Z")
“Try not to suck any dicks as you cross the parking lot!” The first time I saw Clerks, I laughed but was unimpressed. It took until after I saw Chasing Amy and Dogma to appreciate it. Now, I’m glad I own the DVD, and I might even warm to Mallrats if the “stink palm” scene could be excised from it. ---
**Author:** ![ninja\_rydr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8491ac/32.png) [@ninja\_rydr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ninja_rydr)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/6 "2001-08-08T17:23:29Z")
One of the bests scenes is when Randall is on the phone ordering the porno videos in front of the lady and her child. LOL just thinking about it. ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/7 "2001-08-08T17:23:49Z")
Some of My Favorites: ## Dante:“My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!” Guy: “In a row?” ## Jay: What you want Grizzley Adams?" ## and of course the entire conversation in which Randall doesn’t appreciate the female customers ruse. 5-HT ---
**Author:** ![Simetra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Simetra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simetra)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/8 "2001-08-08T17:25:12Z")
“Big black cocks with pearly white cum.” Such a good movie. 🙂 Kevin Smith rocks. “My love for you is ticking clock… Beserker!” “Would you like to making f\*ck…? Beserker!” ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/9 "2001-08-08T17:27:17Z")
“Cute Cat. What’s his name?” “Annoying customer” “What’s up baby. What’s up sluts” “my girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!!” “In a row?” I gotta pick that flick up this weekend. ---
**Author:** ![Jeannie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e480ec/32.png) [@Jeannie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeannie)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/10 "2001-08-08T17:30:57Z")
Randall: “Ma’am, I don’t appreciate your ruse.” Lady: “My what?” Randall: “Your ruse. Your clever attempt to trick me.” (That scene still makes my sides hurt from laughing so hard) And the part where Randall is explaining to Dante how his cousin died trying to fellate himself and says that every guy has tried it before. Dante says he never has, but Randall insists that every guy does it. Finally, Dante says, “I could never reach.” Randall says, “Reach what?” Dante says, “My own dick.” And Randall calls him a perv. That was hysterical! (And I probably quoted it wrong, anyway, but it’s still funny). Oh man, I love this movie… ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/11 "2001-08-08T17:36:56Z")
I actually ordered the DVD day before yesterday. I can’t wait to see it. It’ll be the first DVD that we own. I also got the Clerks: Uncensored cartoon while I was at it. There’s a whole group of us that are going to go see Jay and Silent Bob Strike back. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/12 "2001-08-08T17:41:29Z")
When I was staying with **Zyz** , he rented that Uncensored Cartoon. It’s not the cartoons that are uncensored, it’s Jay and Silent Bob’s comments (well only Jay’s really) in between the cartoons that is uncensored. Other than that, its the same as you saw on TV, or would have seen on TV had it not been canceled about a half and hour after it premeired. Don’t mean to burst any bubbles. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/13 "2001-08-08T17:46:38Z")
“I’m not even supposed to _be_ here today!” * * * Randal: “Break his heart, and I’ll kill you. Nothing personal.” Caitlin: “You’re so protective, how sweet.” Randal: “Territoriality; he was mine first.” (I may be mis-remembering Caitlin’s line here, it’s been a while.) * * * When Randal spit the water the customer, I nearly cracked a rib laughing so hard. And the part where Randal makes sucking noises to annoy Dante just about killed me the first time I saw it. It may not be easy to see on the screen, given the quality of the image, but when they wheel the old guy’s body out of the bathroom, you can definitely tell that under the sheet, he is “at attention.” Hilarious. I have this movie on DVD. I think I’ll watch it again when I get home tonight. It’s been a while since the last viewing. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/14 "2001-08-08T17:48:10Z")
Uh, make that “When Randal spit the water **on** the customer…” Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/15 "2001-08-08T18:10:42Z")
" . . . I don’t care if she is my cousin, I’m gonna knock those boots again tonight." “See? It’s important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That’s why I manually stimulate animals for artificial insemination.” Do yourself a favor, and rent the animated “Clerks” DVDs. Each episode has a commentary with the the entire cast. Funny stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/16 "2001-08-08T18:10:46Z")
No time for love, Dr. Jones! I for one am glad they changed the ending, i won’t spoil it for those who want to see it for themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/17 "2001-08-08T18:20:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jack Batty \* > \*\*When I was staying with **Zyz** , he rented that Uncensored Cartoon. It’s not the cartoons that are uncensored, it’s Jay and Silent Bob’s comments (well only Jay’s really) in between the cartoons that is uncensored. Other than that, its the same as you saw on TV, or would have seen on TV had it not been canceled about a half and hour after it premeired. > Don’t mean to burst any bubbles. \*\* Nah, **Jack** , I know what I’m getting. And I can’t wait! I’ve watched the same two over and over and over. ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/18 "2001-08-08T18:54:41Z")
Did anybody see the narrated version of Clerks on Bravo? Kevin Smith was talking about the making of the movie and different scenes as it ran, and a lot of the cast members were there talking it up too, including Dante and Jay, who was rambling drunk and passed out at one point. (And I don’t think he was faking it.) You don’t see them, just hear them as the movie runs. It was GREAT! I think it’s on the DVD. As for what you said, Tars - Smith on Bravo was saying the same thing, “Thank _God_ they talked me into changing the ending!” It would have been a very dissonant note. > [@](#): > > \*\*“Try not to suck any dicks as you cross the parking lot!” \*\* You left out the best part, Montfort. He then tells the guy that starts following her to the parking lot, "Hey, get back here! ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/19 "2001-08-08T18:59:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pldennison \* > \*\* > > Do yourself a favor, and rent the animated “Clerks” DVDs. Each episode has a commentary with the the entire cast. Funny stuff. \*\* Dangit! I bought the video about a month before I bought my DVD player. The episodes alone are so funny I can hardly watch them without crying, and now you tell me it gets even better?!?!?! Leanardo Leanardo trying to remain evil-looking behind his ridiculously misassembled IKEA desk is a riot; and Jay and Silent Bob holding spin-art, covered in ride tickets, wearing Deelie-boppers and eating cotton candy, while insisting the fair is still “totally gay, and lame” but “getting better” are classics. The entire episode with the little league team that was trapped in the mountian and near starving to death is so bizarre and “out there” that I can’t imagine that he’d ever actually expect it to be broadcast in the first place, but it is without a doubt one of the most screamingly funny things I’ve seen in quite some time. (Of course the whole time you’re laughing, you’re gasping “oh my god! That’s so sick! BWAHAHA!”) I think I’ll have to go ahead and order the DVD, and pick up Clerks (the movie) while I’m at it, since I haven’t seen it in ages. (I have a friend who will much appreciate the video, even second hand.) ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2001, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470/20 "2001-08-08T20:21:19Z")
The dancing scene, where Silent Bob just breaks it down from a standstill, is awesome. “Oh, look at you, you can’t even pass!” “Give me a stick, pretty boy! I’ll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass!” The entire hockey scene is priceless. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-assure-you-we-are-open-the-clerks-appreciation-thread/75470.md?page=2)