Brings new meaning to the phrase “getting hammered”.
Somewhere on the internet there is a video of an ass stuffer with a glass jar. The jar broke.
Somebody I might have known rather closely got fucking hammered at his pal’s house on home made wine and various unpopular spirits at the age of 17. When this guy tried to cycle home along the country track he got 30 yards before scraping his face along the grit. He spent the rest of the afternoon at the pal’s house before somehow getting back home. When he had dinner he ran to the toilet to vomit profusely. His parents saw the dark colour of the vomitus and thought it was blood that he’d swallowed after the accident (which they had been told was some sporting injury). He was taken to A & E where the staff quickly realised that there was no risk from any swallowed blood. However they did realise that the facial injury was quite serious and luckily a skilled surgeon was on hand who cleaned the guy’s face using a scalpel and a toothbrush while making superficially random comments about alcohol abuse. If that surgeon hadn’t been there the guy might have had to grow a moustache for the rest of his life to hide the marks left by the grit under his skin.
Never mind.
When I was 13, I broke my arm playing Win Lose or Draw.
We all know it’s not because the cards were too heavy. Tell the details.
Oh, the stories I could tell after 5 years in the ER! Some of the most memorable:
- Toilet brush up the butt (handle end, thank goodness)
- 2 foot long piece of steel rebar through the leg. The patient was working in the yard when her husband ran over it with the lawnmower.
- An entire wine bottle up the butt, although I only saw the xray of that one.
- Pt arrives via ambulance with several shallow knife wounds obtained in a fight. A few minutes later the OTHER guy shows up with multiple pairs of puncture wounds. Turns out that the fight broke out at a barbeque, and one guy grabbed a knife while the other guy grabbed the barbeque fork. . .
Geez I miss working in the emergency room!
Many years ago a neighbor I hardly knew knocked on my door one Saturday morning. She wanted to know if I had a pair of wire cutters, her 3 year old son jumped on her old couch after a bath and was snagged on a spring. I grabbed a pair of cutters and went to her place.
Her son was sitting on the couch, suprisingly not crying. He lifted his leg to show me that about 3 inches of spring had pierced his scrotum. I cut most of the spring out of the couch then suggested a trip to the ER. That afternoon I gladly hauled the old couch to the dump for her.
Years ago, I spent the weekend at a college roommate’s mother’s house. They had set up a volleyball or badminton net in the front yard, but the playing field was partly obstructed by an overhanging tree branch. One of his (then teenage) brothers happened to own a machete, so he (the brother) tried to use it to hack away at the branch. In doing so, however, he cut his leg rather severely. I didn’t go with him to the ER, but I was told that the doctor didn’t believe the story about the machete and the tree branch, and tried to get him to admit to having been in a knife fight.
Sadly, it’s not nearly as fun as the elevator pitch version: Stood up to see the board, lost my balance, broke the arm I broke my fall with.
Almost exactly a year ago, I was bitten by a lion. Even the doctors had trouble believing it.
That sounds like something that I might do.
My daughter was CAT scanned after hitting herself in the head with a rifle. It was a performace rifle, you know, the flag and rifle corps?? She missed the catch and knocked herself clean out.
I heard this one from a fellow EMT. He and his partner were called to do a transfer from a rural hospital to Baltimore’s Shock Trauma unit. A man had started putting washers on his penis. Got about 5 of them on there, and his penis started to swell, but not in the good way.
He couldn’t get them off, went to the ER, and a transfer to Shock Trauma was promptly arranged. That’s where they keep the special tool designed for cutting things off delicate appendages.
Contrary to the thread title, from what the doctors said, this wasn’t a new one. Apparently it happens quite a lot. Hence the special tool for cutting stuff off.
Sorry, no ass-stuffing her, although you might be able to find the story about this in some Marin County paper from the early 90’s. Didn’t happen to me, but we sure heard about it.
Some dude (reputedly related to a large Tomales Bay Oyster farming family) went spear fishing in the Bay with his girlfriend one sunny day. On their way home, they had to climb up a short slope to the roadside where they’d parked their car.
YUP, you guessed it; his unsecured spear gun went off, up & directly into his nostril, exiting out the top of his head.
Girlfriend got to climb screaming and flapping up to the roadside, waving down cars for attention, while he sat on a rock – completely lucid and alert with a spear through his head – waiting for assistance. Apparently the spear hadn’t touched anything of significant importance.
When the EMTs got there, they couldn’t lay him down on a stretcher for fear of jiggling loose an inadvertent frontal lobotomy, so one EMT slowly walked up the scree slope ahead of him and one behind him – slipping & sliding all the way up to the ambulance, where he rode to the hospital sitting up.
I never knew the guy, but a guy who I worked with did. Said Ole Spearhead had had a very annoying personality before the incident & was always a big pain in the ass at parties, getting into fights and the like. And after the spear incident, he became a really pleasant, agreeable fellow.
Oh! Oh! I got one more!
All these scrotum-rippers got me going here! I am almost inured to human suffering, but not quite.
I worked as a nurses aide during some unplanned karmic repentance period in my 20’s, who knows how that happened. Anyway -
One day I answered a bell where 2 of my fellow aides were in the lavatory trying to get a most uncooperative old gent up & off the raised commode. He kept screaming and yelling and wouldn’t get up when the pulled him!! Honestly, these old people are so difficult. The nerve!
Turns out the commode riser had a crack in it. When a user was seated, the crack opened up. When the user rose, the crack closed.
Upon whatever was in it.
That is all.
I think I saw this already…
My oddest injury wasn’t as gory as some of these, thank God… But painful, and funny in retrospect.
I was about 19 or 20, and was out on the back deck playing with my Doberman about midnight/ I had some toy, waving it around in front of her, and she was bouncing all around and leaping at it.
We were getting pretty rowdy, and I swung my hand down just as she jumped up, and ny wrist connected with the top of her head with a crack. Immediately, my middle, fourth & little fingers ballooned to sausage like proportions, and the entire forearm began to swell to my elbow. The dog didn’t even act like she felt it.
I woke my mom and dad up, and they took me to the emergency room. We were all sure it was broken. When I was answering the nurse’s questions, she asked how it happened. Without thinking about how it sounded, I said ‘I hit my dog in the head’. The look on her face was priceless, and she asked ‘is the dog alright?’ 
It turned out to not be broken, but I was in a brace for weeks.
When my nephew was about 6 he spent one afternoon building some kind of castle with lots of blocks in his bedroom. At some point he turned his back and his sister, about 2 years old, walked in and demolished it. Just for fun. He hit her in the head with the first thing that came to hand. His dress shoe. My sister said the ER doctor who put the stitches in didn’t even question her story.
My mom broke her finger trying to open a box of candy canes. She tried poking a hole in the plastic stretched across the front, but apparently her finger had more give than the plastic.