# I Blame Gay Marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 26, 2006, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306 "2006-08-26T07:59:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/1 "2006-08-26T07:59:31Z")
Now, before anyone get’s their panties in a twist, hear me out, I think that when I’m done, you’ll blame gay marriage too. You see, I’m sick and tired of the whole gay marriage debate. **Not** , I point out, because I’m opposed to it. On the contrary, I don’t see where the government has any business telling consenting adults what they can and cannot do in the privacy of their own home. Still, as we all know, the issue _isn’t_ going to go away so long as either side can use it to make some political capital. So, in an effort to short circuit the politicos schemes, I have decided to assign blame for every bad thing on gay marriage. That way, people will get sick of hearing about the matter and after hearing it being labelled as The Source of All Evil[sup]TM[/sup] for the 1.1235X10[sup]23[/sup]th time, they’ll say, “Oh, fuck it! I don’t care! Let the bastards marry! Hell, I’ll even have a gay wedding just to piss you off and I’m straight!” At which point, gay marriage will be legalized, and we can all get on to more important things like dealing with terrorists, global warming and the like. So when someone asks me why Tucker never built his car, I’ll simply say, “Gay marriage” and then come up with the most bizarre and convoluted explaination for gay marriage being responsible that I can. Someone asks why the _Columbia_ broke apart, the answer is: Gay marriage. Why did we get attacked on 9/11? Gay marriage. Why did the puppy get run over by the steam roller? Gay marriage. Why is gas so expensive? Gay marriage. Why were you late for work? Gay marriage. Even better is that by throwing out gay marriage as a source of all that ails us, we can get extremists on either side of _any_ issue to join the fray. When someone denies global warming, tell them that scientists have conclusively proved that global warming is caused by gay marriage and watch how quickly they change their tune. Suddenly, they’ll state that they knew all along global warming was real and that gay marriage was to blame! Some granola munching leftie getting on your case because you own guns? Blame it on gay marriage! That’ll make his head spin! He’ll quickly decide that you’re too far out there for him to bother with and let you get back to your target practice. So won’t you join me in blaming gay marriage for everything? The more that we hammer away at it in an absurd manner, the more people will see it as a non-threatening issue and we can get on with our lives. If this works, I’m _soooo_ going to start blaming polygamy for everything. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/2 "2006-08-26T08:40:45Z")
> [@Tuckerfan](#): > > So when someone asks me why Tucker never built his car Actually this is a little known fact. Preston Tucker had intended to release his car before the litigation could come down on him, but unfortunately one of his engineers was gay. This was an issue because had he not been gay, instead of living with his same sex partner, he would had children, one of whom could have helped on the project and sped it along. Now, you start letting gays marry and just watch the productivity of the nation plummet! > [@](#): > > Someone asks why the _Columbia_ broke apart Ah yes, the space ship Columbia… You see, the foam used by NASA that broke off is made partially of hardened semen. NASA engineers gather work to gather this semen from the male employees of the institute, to whom they show pornographic videos in large masterbation sessions. But, if gay marriage were approved, gay NASA scientists and engineers would start asking for homosexual pornographic videos to also be shown during the masterbation sessions. But of course that would decrease the amount of sperm we could collect. Just think of all the austronauts relying on straight sperm! > [@](#): > > Why did we get attacked on 9/11? Now you know, them terrorists aren’t all that stupid. They knew we were going to come and get their homeland eventually. And see they knew that if that happened and the US had legal gay marriage, when we conquered them, they would have to have it too! So really you can’t blame them for attacking us while we were still a straight nation–how else are they to save the public decency of their country? > [@](#): > > Why did the puppy get run over by the steam roller? Well puppies know wrong when they see it and gay marriage is wrong. You can’t really blame the fellow for running across the street yapping when he saw that TV in the window of the store showing a home-decoration show right there in broad daylight. Aye, they show us all these things: Interior decoration, ballet, opera, MEN COOKING, my god, they’re just softening us up. But that puppy he was a brave one. He knew evil when he saw it and he was ready to put his life on the line getting over there to give that TV set the old one-two. > [@](#): > > Why is gas so expensive? I was just explaining this to a friend actually. The way it works, you see, them gays know that once they start marrying there’s going to be the Holy Rising as the People take it into their Righteous Hands to put a stop to such blasphemy. But how are God’s Troops to get to those sinners when we can’t even afford gas. Yes, yes. They’ve worked their way into the tops of industry and government you see, and they’re squeezing every oil-buying cent out of us they can get and saving that oil for themselves. But I know better than that. Come the showdown, I’ll have my barrels full and ready to drive on over to bust up some ass-splittin’. > [@](#): > > Why were you late for work? Pinko homo nazis ate my homework. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/3 "2006-08-26T09:49:36Z")
So, that’s why my lawn looks so sickly. And why my shrubbery is so unruly. And why that dead pine tree is still lying in the back yard months after it fell. And here I thought it was because I haven’t been working in the yard. But you’re right - it’s gotta be gay marriage! Could that also explain why my dog is shedding all over the place?!? Must be. Must be… ---
**Author:** ![Auntbeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Auntbeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Auntbeast)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/4 "2006-08-26T14:09:37Z")
I figure this campaign started years ago, instead of gay marriage, the phrase is “George Bush” I’m so numbed to both things, I’m with you, who cares? However, that is probably gay marriages fault. Now, on with the puppy steamrolling! ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/5 "2006-08-26T16:04:44Z")
Actually, it was a gay steam roller operator, pissed off because he couldn’t marry his partner. “Nuttin’ better get in MY way today!” :mad: YIPE! ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/6 "2006-08-26T16:29:14Z")
> [@Auntbeast](#): > > I figure this campaign started years ago, instead of gay marriage, the phrase is “George Bush” Gay Marriage for President in '08! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/7 "2006-08-26T22:00:12Z")
But . . . But . . . then, what will we blame on the _Jews?!_ ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/8 "2006-08-26T22:12:34Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > But . . . But . . . then, what will we blame on the _Jews?!_ Gay marriage. It’s all part of oppressing us Christians. But they can’t keep us down forever, and, God willing, someday my son or someone like him will become the sixty-fourth Christian president of the United States. In a row. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/9 "2006-08-26T23:01:15Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > But . . . But . . . then, what will we blame on the _Jews?!_ The liberal media tries to downplay it, but it’s widely known that Jews and gay marriage are really the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/10 "2006-08-26T23:27:16Z")
**GAY MARRIAGE & JEWS IN '08!!** ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/11 "2006-08-26T23:30:34Z")
Sigh. I’d subscribe to the idea if I didn’t know damn good and well that the politicians will just pull another non-issue out of the hat next time they need something to spout off about. I’m a teacher. I’m _used_ to them doing that… ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/12 "2006-08-26T23:40:05Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > **GAY MARRIAGE > & JEWS IN '08!!** I’m taking the “War is not the answer” sign out of my front yard and replacing it with this! ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/13 "2006-08-27T10:26:40Z")
Don’t I feel silly! All this time I’ve been blaiming straight marriage… ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/14 "2006-08-27T18:26:02Z")
**Master Wang-Ka** > [@](#): > > Sigh. > > I’d subscribe to the idea if I didn’t know damn good and well that the politicians will just pull another non-issue out of the hat next time they need something to spout off about. Darned right !!! It’s the freedom to desecrate the American flag that’s caused all of our problems. :mad: If the Founding Fathers had prohibited flag-desecration, we would _not_ have had: • the Monica Lewinsky scandal • the Three Mile Island accident • the Chernobyl accident • the Watergate scandal • the Teapot Dome scandal • the Exxon Valdez oil spill And why didn’t the Founding Fathers prohibit flag desecration? Because each one of them was gay - and were rabid believers in gay marriage. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/15 "2006-08-27T19:08:28Z")
I spent all day yesterday vomiting repeatedly. If I weren’t married to another woman, I wouldn’t have been able to afford to go out to breakfast, where I appear to have eaten something of the salmonella/e. coli family. And if I weren’t married to another woman, I’d have had to crawl to the store for my own damned medicine, whereas this, this _woman_ brought me anti-vomit liquid, thus increasing my dependency and weakening me further. I blame gay marriage! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/16 "2006-08-27T19:08:59Z")
No, it’s [Gay Penguin for America](http://www.gaypenguinforamerica.com/). ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/17 "2006-08-27T19:09:06Z")
No, it’s Gay Penguin for America. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/18 "2006-08-27T19:41:34Z")
And did you know, at those Gay Marriage Ceremonies, they burn the US Flag! We should thank the Republican guardians of morality for pointing us in the direction of these two heinous threats to democracy. Focusing on these issues will ensure the terrorists won’t win. I feel safer already, knowing these issues are on the front burner in the White House. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/19 "2006-09-11T12:55:25Z")
Actually, it’s not gay marriage that’s the real problem, it’s **evil** ution. It’s well known that from Puritans on up, all Right And Good Americans were evangical Seventh-Day Adventists. Then Darwin came along and put forth the theory of **evil** ution to explain the fact of evolution, and _whammo!_, god up and left the schools and morality disappeared and gays wanted to get married and commies wanted to burn flages _and the terrorists had won_. It’s a fact well known that the Earth actually _was_ the Garden of Eden until Darwin came along. Humanity didn’t eat the forbidden fruit so much as observe the forbidden finch. (It’s a little-known fact that Darwin specifically wanted to kill the Tucker decades before even the automobile was even invented. On his death bed, his last words were “Screw Tucker…the bastard.”) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/20 "2006-09-11T13:40:45Z")
The gas prices are dropping lately from record highs. I blame Gay Marriage. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306.md?page=2)