# I Blame Gay Marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 26, 2006, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306 "2006-08-26T07:59:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/21 "2006-09-11T16:10:03Z")
My ass hurts. I blame my bicycle’s uncomfortable seat on gay marriage. Hey, this works! ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/22 "2006-09-11T16:19:16Z")
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan] If this works, I’m _soooo_ going to start blaming polygamy for everything. [/QUOTE] Damn Mormons… ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/23 "2006-09-11T17:12:15Z")
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan] Now, before anyone get’s their panties in a twist, hear me out, I think that when I’m done, you’ll blame gay marriage too. You see, I’m sick and tired of the whole gay marriage debate. **Not** , I point out, because I’m opposed to it. On the contrary, I don’t see where the government has any business telling consenting adults what they can and cannot do in the privacy of their own home. Still, as we all know, the issue _isn’t_ going to go away so long as either side can use it to make some political capital. So, in an effort to short circuit the politicos schemes, I have decided to assign blame for every bad thing on gay marriage. That way, people will get sick of hearing about the matter and after hearing it being labelled as The Source of All Evil[sup]TM[/sup] for the 1.1235X10[sup]23[/sup]th time, they’ll say, “Oh, fuck it! I don’t care! Let the bastards marry! Hell, I’ll even have a gay wedding just to piss you off and I’m straight!” At which point, gay marriage will be legalized, and we can all get on to more important things like dealing with terrorists, global warming and the like. So when someone asks me why Tucker never built his car, I’ll simply say, “Gay marriage” and then come up with the most bizarre and convoluted explaination for gay marriage being responsible that I can. Someone asks why the _Columbia_ broke apart, the answer is: Gay marriage. Why did we get attacked on 9/11? Gay marriage. Why did the puppy get run over by the steam roller? Gay marriage. Why is gas so expensive? Gay marriage. Why were you late for work? Gay marriage. Even better is that by throwing out gay marriage as a source of all that ails us, we can get extremists on either side of _any_ issue to join the fray. When someone denies global warming, tell them that scientists have conclusively proved that global warming is caused by gay marriage and watch how quickly they change their tune. Suddenly, they’ll state that they knew all along global warming was real and that gay marriage was to blame! Some granola munching leftie getting on your case because you own guns? Blame it on gay marriage! That’ll make his head spin! He’ll quickly decide that you’re too far out there for him to bother with and let you get back to your target practice. So won’t you join me in blaming gay marriage for everything? The more that we hammer away at it in an absurd manner, the more people will see it as a non-threatening issue and we can get on with our lives. If this works, I’m _soooo_ going to start blaming polygamy for everything. [/QUOTE] I know you THINK you have a point in there somewhere, but you’re sorely mistaken. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/24 "2006-09-11T17:14:37Z")
[QUOTE=astorian] I know you THINK you have a point in there somewhere, but you’re sorely mistaken. [/QUOTE] Because of gay marriage? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/25 "2006-09-11T18:30:55Z")
Oh come on, people. Gay marriage is not a problem in this country. Or it wouldn’t be if, all those gay Catholics weren’t crossing the Mexican border and stealing all of our executive cleaning jobs. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/26 "2006-09-11T18:31:59Z")
[QUOTE=FairyChatMom] So, that’s why my lawn looks so sickly. And why my shrubbery is so unruly. And why that dead pine tree is still lying in the back yard months after it fell. And here I thought it was because I haven’t been working in the yard. But you’re right - it’s gotta be gay marriage! Could that also explain why my dog is shedding all over the place?!? Must be. Must be… [/QUOTE] LOL, have you heard the song **Stuart** by The Dead Milkmen? “…Oh, don’t go get me wrong. They’re fine people, they’re good Americans. But they’re content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They’re good, fine people, Stuart. But they don’t know … what the queers are doing to the soil! … Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city, there’s a big undeground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa, for an example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. You can’t build on it; you can’t grow anything in it. The government says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on, Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens. They’re building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to God…” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/27 "2006-09-11T18:34:34Z")
Sorry I haven’t been back. I just want to know - how did I muck up the coding the _second_ time? ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/28 "2006-09-12T09:27:16Z")
[QUOTE=js\_africanus] Actually, it’s not gay marriage that’s the real problem, it’s **evil** ution. It’s well known that from Puritans on up, all Right And Good Americans were evangical Seventh-Day Adventists. Then Darwin came along and put forth the theory of **evil** ution to explain the fact of evolution, and _whammo!_, god up and left the schools and morality disappeared and gays wanted to get married and commies wanted to burn flages _and the terrorists had won_. It’s a fact well known that the Earth actually _was_ the Garden of Eden until Darwin came along. Humanity didn’t eat the forbidden fruit so much as observe the forbidden finch. (It’s a little-known fact that Darwin specifically wanted to kill the Tucker decades before even the automobile was even invented. On his death bed, his last words were “Screw Tucker…the bastard.”) [/QUOTE] ::Sigh:: And I suppose you think that Steve Irwin’s death was an unfortunate accident, don’t you? The truth is far more sinister. Darwin came up with the theory of evolution because he’d been having homosexual relations with several animals, including a turtle. He came up with the theory of evolution in hopes that people would come to think that there was no difference between animals and humans and he could marry one of his beloved animals. Steve Irwin found this out, and to cover it up, announced that [Harry the tortoise](http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?chanID=sa006&articleID=00032A99-6CF8-14E4-AA9C83414B7F4945) was really “Harriet” the tortoise, thus concealing Darwin’s perversion. Unfortunately for Irwin, he had a crisis of conscience and was planning on going public with the truth, and mentioned this to his producer. The producer (a Hollywood-type, so you _know_ he was gay) contacted his friends in the effects community, who quickly built a robotic stingray and the producer used this to kill Irwin with. (Don’t ask me how I found this information out. I have to protect my sources.) Oh, it _wasn’t_ Preston Tucker, that Darwin was cursing, but the **Earl** of Tucker. The Earl, it seems, had seduced Darwin’s current chimp-lover, and the chimp wanted nothing to do with Darwin after this. > [@Anaamika](#): > > Sorry I haven’t been back. I just want to know - how did I muck up the coding the second time? Isn’t it obvious? You were flustered because of gay marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/29 "2006-09-12T11:29:07Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] Sorry I haven’t been back. I just want to know - how did I muck up the coding the _second_ time? [/QUOTE] You caught teh ghey? Here is your rainbow flag and Streisand album, congrats! ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/30 "2006-09-12T12:53:00Z")
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan] Darwin came up with the theory of evolution because he’d been having homosexual relations with several animals, including a turtle. [/quote] I wonder if Steve Martin has given up swimming in salt water, because the coincidence is definitely worrisome. Well, at least the hot-gay-turtle sex, anyway. > [@](#): > > The Earl, it seems, had seduced Darwin’s current chimp-lover, and the chimp wanted nothing to do with Darwin after this. I think you’re thinking of the Earl of Chrysler, and it wasn’t a chimp, it was Queen Victoria. It turns out that, for a Queen, she really did have an enormous penis. It was the perfect size for a “queen,” however, and she was…huh…what’s that black heliocopter doing outside…guys in black suits and sunglasses? It’s not even sunny out…hey! wattaryoudoingyougoofybastard! ughyarrrrrrrllll… …gay…marr…iage… ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/31 "2006-09-12T13:05:59Z")
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan] Now, before anyone get’s their panties in a twist, hear me out, I think that when I’m done, you’ll blame gay marriage too. You see, I’m sick and tired of the whole gay marriage debate. **Not** , I point out, because I’m opposed to it. On the contrary, I don’t see where the government has any business telling consenting adults what they can and cannot do in the privacy of their own home. Still, as we all know, the issue _isn’t_ going to go away so long as either side can use it to make some political capital. So, in an effort to short circuit the politicos schemes, I have decided to assign blame for every bad thing on gay marriage. That way, people will get sick of hearing about the matter and after hearing it being labelled as The Source of All Evil[sup]TM[/sup] for the 1.1235X10[sup]23[/sup]th time, they’ll say, “Oh, fuck it! I don’t care! Let the bastards marry! Hell, I’ll even have a gay wedding just to piss you off and I’m straight!” At which point, gay marriage will be legalized, and we can all get on to more important things like dealing with terrorists, global warming and the like. So when someone asks me why Tucker never built his car, I’ll simply say, “Gay marriage” and then come up with the most bizarre and convoluted explaination for gay marriage being responsible that I can. Someone asks why the _Columbia_ broke apart, the answer is: Gay marriage. Why did we get attacked on 9/11? Gay marriage. Why did the puppy get run over by the steam roller? Gay marriage. Why is gas so expensive? Gay marriage. Why were you late for work? Gay marriage. Even better is that by throwing out gay marriage as a source of all that ails us, we can get extremists on either side of _any_ issue to join the fray. When someone denies global warming, tell them that scientists have conclusively proved that global warming is caused by gay marriage and watch how quickly they change their tune. Suddenly, they’ll state that they knew all along global warming was real and that gay marriage was to blame! Some granola munching leftie getting on your case because you own guns? Blame it on gay marriage! That’ll make his head spin! He’ll quickly decide that you’re too far out there for him to bother with and let you get back to your target practice. The more that we hammer away at it in an absurd manner, the more people will see it as a non-threatening issue and we can get on with our lives. ] [/QUOTE] I think this is the Freudian-Transference version of a coming-out speech. You do seem to be mightily obsessed with gaydom dude. Anything you want to share with us **Tucker???** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kmac8464](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@kmac8464](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kmac8464)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/32 "2006-09-12T13:36:43Z")
[QUOTE=js\_africanus] Actually, it’s not gay marriage that’s the real problem, it’s **evil** ution. It’s well known that from Puritans on up, all Right And Good Americans were evangical Seventh-Day Adventists. Then Darwin came along and put forth the theory of **evil** ution to explain the fact of evolution, and _whammo!_, god up and left the schools and morality disappeared and gays wanted to get married and commies wanted to burn flages _and the terrorists had won_. It’s a fact well known that the Earth actually _was_ the Garden of Eden until Darwin came along. Humanity didn’t eat the forbidden fruit so much as observe the forbidden finch. (It’s a little-known fact that Darwin specifically wanted to kill the Tucker decades before even the automobile was even invented. On his death bed, his last words were “Screw Tucker…the bastard.”) [/QUOTE] LMFAO!!! ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/33 "2006-09-12T14:20:48Z")
Can we blame gat marriage for text shorthands? And [B[Mika\*\* we’d expect nothing less fromn you, dear. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/34 "2006-09-12T15:14:17Z")
[QUOTE=kambuckta] You do seem to be mightily obsessed with gaydom dude. [/QUOTE] Myself, I’m not gay. Though I am ashamed to admit to a little fetish I have. I like to – egads, I can’t believe I’m admitting this – wear men’s underwear. There, I said it! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/35 "2006-09-12T15:20:25Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Myself, I’m not gay. Though I am ashamed to admit to a little fetish I have. I like to – egads, I can’t believe I’m admitting this – wear men’s underwear. There, I said it! [/QUOTE] Now that’s just like admitting that you caught Teh Ghey! You know who wear’s men’s underwear? _Gays_ wear men’s underwear. Ever wonder why they call it _Fruit_ Of The Loom? We’re onto you and your gay marriage agenda **tdn**. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306/36 "2006-09-12T15:39:50Z")
[QUOTE=Sean Factotum] gat marriage [/QUOTE] 😕 Is that the same thing as “yew got mah dotter preg-nint so yew’ll marry her or else Ah shewt yew”? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-blame-gay-marriage/370306.md?page=1)