I can not get over my regrets

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

My philosophy on regret is very simple, and I think it’s helped me deal with it all a lot easier than I otherwise would have and it’s all summed up in a nifty motto: “A regret is merely a lesson unlearned.”

By this, I mean, there are certainly situations in my life that I’ve regretted at times, whether they were chances with women, missed opportunities, poor decisions, or whatever, but time spent brewing on the past is time not spent bettering the present and the future. Instead, I look at these situations and evaluate what I did, directly or indirectly, that created that situation and what I could have done differently. Did I miss an opportunity because I was too shy? Did I procrastinate? Maybe I didn’t take certain things into account.

If I can figure out what I did that led to that situation, then hopefully I can figure out how I can prevent it in the future or what I can do to make it better. And after I’ve learned those lessons, I find that that regret just doesn’t last anymore because without that situation I never would have learned that lesson and become who I am now.

And so, as a result, there were some things that I regretted enormously, even some for a number of years, but now that I’ve extracted some valuable lessons from them, I’m actually quite happy with how they turned out and how they made me a better person. That’s not to say I don’t have some regrets now, but I remain confident that when I do the work to figure out the lesson and learn it, I’ll feel much the same about my current regrets as I do about my old ones.

But seriously, once I figured out that motto and made it a theme for my life, I really feel like it’s not only made those regrets manageable, but made me a better person for them.
As for the OP, it’s hard to say what lessons you could possibly learn from the situation, as it is a very personal sort of thing. As an example, one of my former regrets about a lost relationship ended up being a failure on my part to trust my intuition, another about not being assertive enough and expressing my feelings about her. As a result of each of those, I’ve not only learned to trust my intuition more but I’ve worked to develop it more, and I’ve become a lot more free in expressing myself, not just in terms of romantic relationships, but in all sorts of situations. Both of those have been enormously helpful to improving my life and I wouldn’t trade them back in for either of those relationships.

42

Wow that is solid advuce master blaster. I think I will put the time in mull it over and find the lesson.

43

Everyone has regrets, unless they’re sociopathic. The trick is not to get over them or forget them, but to treat them as learning experiences. They will never go away. You will never forget your fuckups. But hopefully you can refrain from fucking up like that ever again.

If you think about it every day and it’s ruining your life, you may have a psychological condition (like anxiety). Get therapy, and failing that try some medication. Don’t expect these things to go away, though. That’s unrealistic.

Or you could subscribe to the many worlds hypothesis, and convince yourself that if you had become an All-American, you would have died as a result (say, a car crash on the way to a meet). If you had stayed with Girl A or B, she would have gotten pregnant and lost the baby and you would have committed suicide. And that maybe there is a reason certain things worked out the way they did.

Or, you could try religion. I don’t recommend it though.

(Just saw Blaster’s post, which I did NOT read before commenting–but similar philosophy on the matter. I think it works well.)

44

I probably do have some sociopathic tendencies, but I don’t believe I have any regrets. There are things I might decide to do differently, but that isn’t necessarily the same thing. And even in those cases I would have to be careful to understand what my abilities and limitations were at the time before concluding I had made the wrong choice.

Part of the problem with hindsight isn’t just having more information about a decision you made but the wisdom to see why something was a bad decision. If instead you adopt the mindset you likely had at the time, even with the additional information you may not have decided differently.

For example, I decided to graduate high school after 3 years since it seemed to be a monumental waste of time. But I knew I wasn’t ready to adapt to a different living situation and a new educational environment at the same time, so I only applied to the one university that was local to me. It was a good school but it wasn’t ivy league and I always thought that had I waited the extra year and applied to the top tier schools I might have been better off. But knowing what I was like at the time, I’m fairly sure the extra year wouldn’t have made a difference and that I made the right choice.

Regrets are the result of not assessing past events in light of one’s limited information and limited abilities at that point in time. It also results from not objectively considering all of the possible outcomes, both good and bad. Yes, you can certainly learn from decisions that turned out to be detrimental, and you certainly should, but the only ones I can see regretting are those that you should have realized, even at the time, were egregiously stupid.

45

Someone who can honestly say they’ve never done anything egregiously stupid in their whole life cannot possibly be a member of the human race.

I’m illustrating a point with hyperbole. But I do not believe that you don’t have regrets, dzero. Maybe you call your regrets by a different name… whatever keeps us sane. But they’re still just as sweet.

46

I’ve done things I would consider egregiously stupid, I’ve just been extremely lucky so there have never been any consequences to regret. The few things that have happened to me that have had persistent or life-long consequences were things over which I had no control - like getting encephalitis for example.

I do beat myself up over things I’ve said and done but they are usually trivial and I recognize them as OCD symptoms. But as for decisions I’ve made, I guess I’m just more accepting of my limitations than a lot of other people might be.

47

You can’t get past it because, “I could have been All American!” doesn’t reconcile with “I lacked the discipline to stop smoking bud!” These two things don’t go together, pretty clearly.

No, you didn’t have what it takes to be All American, because what the others had, that you lacked, and is required, is the discipline to forsake their vices in pursuit of their dream.

Until you can own that, I don’t think you’ll find resolution.

48

Not to belittle your accomplishments, but even if you’d won that title and been designated Champion of the Free World, you’d now be the *former *Champion of the Free World. And, still, no one would care because it has no bearing on your life today.

You say you could have won AA if only you’d done x and y. Seems to me that you haven’t learned anything from that lesson. Because instead of doing something worthwhile NOW you’re still goofing off and focusing on the past, which you have absolutely no power to change.

Quit making excuses for why you’re still not reaching your potential, and work towards bettering yourself. You didn’t win AA, but I’m sure a youth organization in your area could use the talents of a former almost-AA.

49

I have a cousin who lost the 1978 NCAA wrestling championship in the last match. He was so. close. My uncle said for years, and probably still would if anyone asked him, that John did not have both shoulder blades on the mat at the same time. Except nobody’s asking these days. And what I’ll always remember is that while the winner was pumping his fists and lifting his coach in the air, John got up from the mat. With a look on his face that would break your heart, but he got up. And went on with his life.

And what I also didn’t know until years later is that the guy who won, Jimmy Johnson, was the first African-American NCAA wrestling champ. So if my cousin had won, I hate to say it, but he would have been just another white guy who won. Make of that what you will.