# I can't find my infant son anywhere **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 12, 2016, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953 "2016-01-12T19:31:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Cardboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Cardboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardboard)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/1 "2016-01-12T19:31:16Z")
And to top it all off, my pet snake appears to have a massive tumor. What do I do? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/2 "2016-01-12T19:34:20Z")
Heimlich! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/3 "2016-01-12T19:37:17Z")
Was your snake a better pet than your son was a child? They’re both replaceable so it’s actually kind of a toss up. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/4 "2016-01-12T19:44:28Z")
“Need answer fast”? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/5 "2016-01-12T19:46:02Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > “Need answer fast”? It’s been 17 minutes. No. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/6 "2016-01-12T19:49:24Z")
I’ll put copies of [this](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zA2_9MzivgI/U1WHT4afnMI/AAAAAAAACfE/qdGhSKn0tTA/s1600/Far+Side+-+Crib+Snake.png) up on phone poles for you. Chin up! ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/7 "2016-01-12T20:03:52Z")
Get a sign for your snake that says “Baby on board”. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/8 "2016-01-12T20:14:26Z")
You kill the snake. You ALWAYS kill the snake. The only real question left is whether, after you cut the head of the snake off, you bury the head or burn the head. [Bear Grylls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7IuzyfqNzA) ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/9 "2016-01-12T20:15:17Z")
Watch this tutorial from [Mike Rowe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSWtLgTr6UI#t=39m45s). ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/10 "2016-01-12T20:28:55Z")
Did your infant son say he was going out for milk and cigarettes? ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/11 "2016-01-12T20:31:16Z")
Missing child? impossibly rapid developing tumor? The answer is obvious. You have a localized time rift in your house somewhere. Calibrate your cell phone to detect tachyons, and once you find it close it up with duck tape. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/12 "2016-01-12T20:32:55Z")
The book \*The Little Prince \*comes to mind… ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/13 "2016-01-12T20:35:52Z")
Your best hope is that he is found and raised by an over protective panther and an incorrigible old bear. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/14 "2016-01-12T21:19:10Z")
I’m thinking it’s time to cook some **Snake Surprise**! ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/15 "2016-01-12T23:28:35Z")
Wait, this isn’t a Fallout 4 thread? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/16 "2016-01-12T23:31:42Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I’m thinking it’s time to cook some **Snake Surprise**! And it’s already stuffed! ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/17 "2016-01-12T23:31:48Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I’m thinking it’s time to cook some **Snake Surprise**! What’s the surprise? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/18 "2016-01-12T23:43:09Z")
Funny responses everyone, but in all seriousness, I really hope the OP has called the police and scheduled an appointment with the vet by now. Missing children and serpentine illnesses are nothing to take a “wait and see” approach on. #realtalk ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2016, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/19 "2016-01-13T00:26:22Z")
Could always try swinging the snake over your head, rodeo style, and see if anything pops back out. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2016, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953/20 "2016-01-13T01:37:49Z")
> [@Cardboard](#): > > … What do I do? Celebrate the fact you got two years’ worth of dependent deductions and only a couple months of dependent care expenses. Profit!!! Woot!! And the snake won’t need a gerbil until April or so. Think of all the savings! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-find-my-infant-son-anywhere/742953.md?page=2)