# "I can't help it. I love him/her." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 22, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838 "2005-12-22T18:48:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Seren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e19adc/32.png) [@Seren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seren)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/1 "2005-12-22T18:48:40Z")
Can people really not be responsible for their actions regarding the person they love? I don’t mean “I killed that guy cause my SO said she’d really like it if I did” but more along the lines of “I know he calls me names and ignores me, but I love him. I can’t just stop loving him” or “I know this is the man my sister/best friend/mom loves, but I love him too and I can’t just ignore that.” Is there a point where emotions just can’t be controlled at all? Is it possible to actually think to yourself “I love this person, but I shouldn’t/don’t want to anymore, so I’m going to try to stop?” I’m of the opinion that, given enough time, it is indeed possible by force of will to stop being in love with a person. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/2 "2005-12-22T18:51:02Z")
> [@Seren](#): > > I’m of the opinion that, given enough time, it is indeed possible by force of will to stop being in love with a person. I agree with that. Sometimes you have to force the intellect to overpower the heart. It’s hard to do, but it can be done. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/3 "2005-12-22T19:09:31Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > I agree with that. Sometimes you have to force the intellect to overpower the heart. It’s hard to do, but it can be done. Ditto that. Except I’d like to add: I don’t think one should be nailed to the cross for having a moment of weakness. That is to say: to a certain extent. However if you make this behaviour habitual. Shame on you. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/4 "2005-12-22T19:26:06Z")
When I hear this: > [@](#): > > “I know he calls me names and ignores me, but I love him. I can’t just stop loving him” I translate it as: “I’m going to allow myself to be mistreated because I have little to no self-esteem and am terrified of being alone.” When I hear this: > [@](#): > > I know this is the man my sister/best friend/mom loves, but I love him too and I can’t just ignore that." “I’m a selfish, self-centered person and I have no self-discipline.” ---
**Author:** ![Seren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e19adc/32.png) [@Seren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seren)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/5 "2005-12-22T19:41:43Z")
> [@UrbanChic](#): > > When I hear this: > > > [@](#): > > > > “I know he calls me names and ignores me, but I love him. I can’t just stop loving him” > > I translate it as: > > “I’m going to allow myself to be mistreated because I have little to no self-esteem and am terrified of being alone.” > > When I hear this: > > > [@](#): > > > > I know this is the man my sister/best friend/mom loves, but I love him too and I can’t just ignore that." > > “I’m a selfish, self-centered person and I have no self-discipline.” I agree. It’s hard to think of a good example that doesn’t bring up one of those two interpretations. I guess it’s because (so far, from what I’ve seen of my poor, misguided friends) the people who say stuff like that really are selfish and/or lacking in self-discipline or -esteem. It seems that to them their feelings are more important than anything else in the world. Who cares if by loving some person they’re causing all sorts of problems? “True love” can’t be ignored or forgotten or turned off! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/6 "2005-12-22T19:54:20Z")
I think you can talk yourself out of loving anyone if you have sufficient motivation to do so. Nobody is perfect, and if you dwell on someone’s flaws enough you can eventually break the connection. Sometimes it is hard to find the motivation to put an end to things even when you know intellectually you should…but, yes, I definitely think it can be done. ---
**Author:** ![jawdirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df705f/32.png) [@jawdirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jawdirk)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/7 "2005-12-22T20:43:03Z")
Of course you can rationalize your way out of love. Arguing that it is the only moral thing to do in some circumstances is missing the point though. It’s wrong to fall out of love! It may be wrong to stay in love too. Sometimes you are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils, because you aren’t strong enough to overcome both. I pity anyone who feels they have a moral responsibility to squelch a strong emotion. Not respecting the value of others’ strong emotions, regardless of whether they are rational, or whether they conflict with others’ strong emotions, is just as wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/8 "2005-12-22T21:59:20Z")
You know that letter by Paul to the Corinthians. (the leather people) The one that is read at weddings that goes, Love is patient, Love is kind… If you read that closely, you may notice that Paul never says that Love has the sense that God gave geese. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/9 "2005-12-22T22:04:59Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > You know that letter by Paul to the Corinthians. (the leather people) > > The one that is read at weddings that goes, Love is patient, Love is kind… > If you read that closely, you may notice that Paul never says that Love has the sense that God gave geese. Sorry, but I don’t get this. Can you rephrase? ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/10 "2005-12-22T22:53:55Z")
> [@Seren](#): > > Can people really not be responsible for their actions regarding the person they love? There is a _huge_ difference between feeling something and acting on that feeling. “But I love him/her!” is never an excuse for thoughtless, destructive (even self-destructive), or harmfully selfish behaviour. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/11 "2005-12-22T22:57:44Z")
There are those who say love is an action, not an emotion - if you don’t do the actions, it can’t be called “love.” Now, _attraction_ - that’s a whole 'nother ballgame. If you are attracted to someone who isn’t available or good for you, I believe it is entirely up to you what you do about it. I think **UrbanChic** hit the nail on the head - people rationalize doing what they want to do, and try to wish away the consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/12 "2005-12-22T23:09:03Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > There are those who say love is an action, not an emotion - if you don’t do the actions, it can’t be called “love.” I agree with the idea of this, but 1) I think it’s talking about _true_ love, and 2) it doesn’t mean that any action done in love’s name qualifies as “love.” Otherwise there would be all kinds of fucked-up justifications out there like, “I _have_ to sleep with her husband, or I can’t say that I love him!” When actions are truly motivated by love, “self” is not a consideration. Or some shit like that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/13 "2005-12-23T00:22:57Z")
When you get right down to it, any time you let capital L Love dicate your life, a very bad outcome is a likely result. I work with a person who is in Love with a man and plans to marry him. He’s a very nice guy. But by living with him she’ll end up living in a small town in southern Indiana, 20 miles from nowhere. She’ll be expected to take part in the family business, doing stuff she doesn’t particularly enjoy doing. This person is east coast, big city all the way, and makes no secret of the fact that she hates just about everything about Indiana. What’s more, she’s in specialty training which she is extremely unlikely to ever have the opportunity to use if she goes through with this plan. To a person on the outside looking in - this looks like the beginnings of a very large train wreck. If either she or hubbie took stock and could get beyond the “We’re in Love” of it all, I bet they’d happily agree to go their separate ways. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/14 "2005-12-23T01:07:59Z")
> [@UrbanChic](#): > > When I hear this:I translate it as: > > “I’m going to allow myself to be mistreated because I have little to no self-esteem and am terrified of being alone.” > > When I hear this:“I’m a selfish, self-centered person and I have no self-discipline.” I completely agree with this. And I say this as someone who was in category one above, for four years, before making the herculean and frightening effort of cutting my enabling behaviour the hell out and leaving the bastard before things got dangerous for not just me, but for possible children who could have eventually become a product of our relationship. Grew a spine and ran away. I later had my heart broken by someone from category two. He admits as much _now_ (that he was selfish and has no self control, but he only admits this after he got what he wanted and it all went to hell), and I forgive him for my own peace of mind - but he doesn’t know I have, and never will. Love isn’t an excuse for anything. It’s not love at all when it’s twisted that way. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/15 "2005-12-23T01:16:30Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Sorry, but I don’t get this. Can you rephrase? Love is not always a logical thing. Sometimes, people fall in, or out of love without good reasons. These may or may not be bad relationships. What do you think of people who stay together ‘for the children’? They may not be screaming at each other or anything that looks bad, they just don’t love each other but they love their children. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/16 "2005-12-23T01:28:45Z")
I’m a therapist. Imagine how often I hear this. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/17 "2005-12-23T03:53:14Z")
I do believe people can control who they love or fall in love with. If you fall in love with a person, it’s because you allowed yourself to fall in love with that person. If that will lead to an immoral outcome, you made a choice to go there. Most people don’t agree with me, and that’s okay. I can be a misunderstood genius. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/18 "2005-12-23T04:10:34Z")
Being in love doesn’t absolve you of anything you do. ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/19 "2005-12-23T06:59:36Z")
> [@Seren](#): > > I’m of the opinion that, given enough time, it is indeed possible by force of will to stop being in love with a person. I hope you are right. I am in this situation. I want not to be in love. I want this girl out of my head. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838/20 "2005-12-23T10:27:51Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I do believe people can control who they love or fall in love with. If you fall in love with a person, it’s because you allowed yourself to fall in love with that person. If that will lead to an immoral outcome, you made a choice to go there. > > Most people don’t agree with me, and that’s okay. I can be a misunderstood genius. 😃 Hey, you’re an understood genius from my perspective. I believe that mature love is a choice. When it is accompanied by a real mutual commitment, it turns into something so rich and saisfying and rewarding that it has no equal. It is a choice to commit yourself to another’s physical, mental and spiritual well-being. When you find someone worthy of that commitment, it is a wonderful thing. Infatuation, which is that feeling we became enveloped with starting back in junior high, is a transitory feeling that may have aspects that are beyond our control, but even this is something everyone must surrender to–i.e., it too is at least something of a choice. More than that, though–it does not last in intensity. When I hear people sigh, “We just fell out of love,” or “I just don’t love him any more,” I translate that to, “The normal biologically based phase of intense infatuation passed, and I have decided I don’t really want to continue to commit to this person.” I believe there are people who are infatuation junkies, constantly searching for that rush that occurs only with “someone new,” only to naturally diminish. And those who for the long term stay in relationships with people who are, say, abusive have other issues that are behind statements like, “But I love him,” even if they believe it when they are saying it. There is some sort of pathological need being serviced, even if they refuse (or are unable) to recognize it. People who believe “love” is something that just happens to them, period, are in for a world of trouble, IMO, and so are the people they “love.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-help-it-i-love-him-her/336838.md?page=2)