# I Can't Swim, Make Me Feel Better. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 8, 2005, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567 "2005-07-08T06:36:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ScubaSteve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@ScubaSteve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ScubaSteve)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/1 "2005-07-08T06:36:58Z")
So after years of trying, I still can’t swim. I’m not sure what it is about it exactly, I just can’t quite get the hang of it. I let go of the side of the pool, and subsequently sink to the bottom of it. Perhaps I swallowed some lead when I was little. 😛 So tell me, what seemingly easy ability can you not learn? ---
**Author:** ![Cunctator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/43a26b/32.png) [@Cunctator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cunctator)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/2 "2005-07-08T07:08:40Z")
Whistling ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/3 "2005-07-08T07:33:49Z")
Swimming underwater. I float right back up to the top for some reason. I’ve tried and tried. Won’t happen. I must be doing something wrong… ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/4 "2005-07-08T07:44:38Z")
I could have my Uncle Bob teach you how to swim. He’ll grab you (you have to be a tiny defenseless child) and throw you into the middle of the pool. We can all swim and none of us are dead, so I guess it works. Though most of us do hate Uncle Bob. I can’t do that loud whistling with your fingers thing, and I couldn’t raise just one eyebrow to save my life. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/5 "2005-07-08T07:58:28Z")
> [@Ashes](#): > > I could have my Uncle Bob teach you how to swim. He’ll grab you (you have to be a tiny defenseless child) and throw you into the middle of the pool. We can all swim and none of us are dead, so I guess it works. Though most of us do hate Uncle Bob. You must be one of my first cousins. I have been embarrassed at various times by my inability to do the following things: 1. Turn a cartwheel. 2. Jump rope. 3. Roller skate. 4. Golf. (Major big deal when you’re a lawyer.) ---
**Author:** ![exastris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b38774/32.png) [@exastris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/exastris)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/6 "2005-07-08T08:03:29Z")
I can’t ride a bike. Never learned as a kid because we lived in some not-too-nice neighborhoods and my father was a bit paranoid and overprotective. An ex tried to give me lessons before I went off to college, but we only barely got to the point of controlled crashes before September rolled around. Someday I will ride a beautiful red bike with baseball cards in the spokes and a silver bell on the handlebar . . . ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/7 "2005-07-08T10:03:27Z")
Like **exastris** , I can’t ride a bike. And I don’t know how to turn cartwheels. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/8 "2005-07-08T11:11:31Z")
I cannot swim. If I am going in deep water, even at the beach, I wear a life jacket. I look like a dork, but… well, I can’t swim. I haven’t gone to the beach to swim in years. I do a little kayaking on calm waters pretty often, though. Always wearing the life jacket. I also can’t see those damned “magic eye” pictures… my depth perception blows, which might have something to do with it. But it is still frustrating when everyone else is going “Oooooh, coool!”, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t see them. :mad: There were some on the back of a cereal box recently, pissed me off for hours. ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/9 "2005-07-08T11:40:03Z")
Hand stands, cart wheels, swimming, whistling with my fingers in my mouth (and I’m not really that good at sex either :rolleyes: ) ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/10 "2005-07-08T11:51:30Z")
Have you nonswimmers ever considered taking lessons? I can’t imagine walking around knowing that a bit of water might kill me because I never learned such a basic thing. Every time I read a story about an older kid or an adult drowning because they couldn’t swim I get mad at their parents–it’s a vital skill, IMO, which should be taught to every able-bodied child. /off soapbox To make you feel better though, I can’t make gravy. It seems silly, but I take pride in being a pretty good cook and this irks me to no end. I can make white breakfast gravy with sausage, but not dinner gravies. They always suck. Very frustrating. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/11 "2005-07-08T11:53:55Z")
I cannot, for the life of me, make a grilled cheese sandwich. I always manage to burn the bread before I melt the cheese. ---
**Author:** ![fubbleskag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fubbleskag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fubbleskag)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/12 "2005-07-08T12:26:21Z")
> [@Casey1505](#): > > I cannot, for the life of me, make a grilled cheese sandwich. I always manage to burn the bread before I melt the cheese. lower the heat and butter the bread (on the grill side) and use a lid i cannot whistle with my fingers or turn a cartwheel or stand on my hands or anything that requires decent uppper body strength (yet) i also cannot eat stuffing. it’s not a matter of dislike - i can actually eat any other food item that i don’t like, but i cannot keep stuffing down, no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/13 "2005-07-08T12:35:33Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > Have you nonswimmers ever considered taking lessons? I can’t imagine walking around knowing that a bit of water might kill me because I never learned such a basic thing. Every time I read a story about an older kid or an adult drowning because they couldn’t swim I get mad at their parents–it’s a vital skill, IMO, which should be taught to every able-bodied child. /off soapbox Hear, hear! I always wanted to burp on command like my brother could, but he never succeeded in teaching me. What do you mean, “swallow air”? ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/14 "2005-07-08T12:43:57Z")
If you’re ever in the situation where you try to save a drowning person and you fail, at least you’ll drown, too, and won’t have to face the embarrassment of failure. Hope that makes you feel better. 😃 I can’t roll my "R"s to save my life. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/15 "2005-07-08T12:49:05Z")
I can swim masterfully I can whistle like a pro I can burp on command an roll my r’s I can even make a grilled cheese sandwich. But those goddamn magic eye pictures are a curse upon mankind brought forth by Satan himself! What the fuck do you mean, ‘look past the pciture’? How can I look _at_ it if I’m looking past it? Argh!!! ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/16 "2005-07-08T12:55:08Z")
I can swim, make grilled cheese sandwiches, do multiple cartwheels in a row, roll my R’s, but I can’t do the 3D picture thing or whistle through my fingers. I can whistle with my mouth though. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/17 "2005-07-08T12:55:08Z")
> [@ScubaSteve](#): > > So after years of trying, I still can’t swim. Actually, what I want to know is how you came up with a name like **ScubaSteve** if you can’t swim. Please tell me that you’re not a scuba diver. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/18 "2005-07-08T12:57:21Z")
I suck-diddly-uck at shuffling cards. I can’t break the deck and shuffle with my thumbs like everyone else on the planet can. I play enough cards that you’d think I’d have it down by now, but nope. It’s embarrasing. I can swim, whistle, ride a bike and juggle. All at the same time probably. Just don’t ask me to shuffle cards. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/19 "2005-07-08T12:58:19Z")
We have some pretty bad local commercials playing here with a “Scuba Steve” character, so that’s what I always think of when I see the name. Are you a NW Ohioan **Steve**? ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/20 "2005-07-08T13:40:48Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > Actually, what I want to know is how you came up with a name like **ScubaSteve** if you can’t swim. Please tell me that you’re not a scuba diver. I’m burning with curiosity as well. Partly because I know a guy with the nickname “Scuba” whose real name is Steve and is not a scuba diver. Also partly because my name is Steven and I AM a scuba diver yet have never acquired the nickname and I wonder how a guy does when they aren’t. Enjoy, Steven [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567.md?page=2)