# I Can't Swim, Make Me Feel Better. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 8, 2005, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567 "2005-07-08T06:36:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/21 "2005-07-08T13:41:33Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > Actually, what I want to know is how you came up with a name like **ScubaSteve** if you can’t swim. Please tell me that you’re not a scuba diver. This is exactly what I came in here to say! Curse you, **Shib**! _shakes fist_ ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/22 "2005-07-08T13:45:10Z")
I can’t fly. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/23 "2005-07-08T13:50:57Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > Actually, what I want to know is how you came up with a name like **ScubaSteve** if you can’t swim. Please tell me that you’re not a scuba diver. I believe it’s just a characters name from that Adam Sandler movie “Big Daddy”. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/24 "2005-07-08T13:53:05Z")
I can swim, but I can’t do a cartwheel and my whistling sounds like the wind in a car window. A friend of the bus kid’s is named Steve, and everyone calls him Scuba. That you Scuba? ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/25 "2005-07-08T13:54:17Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > I believe it’s just a characters name from that Adam Sandler movie “Big Daddy”. Yes it is, it’s the action figure the kid has with him. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/26 "2005-07-08T14:03:04Z")
> [@Dung Beetle](#): > > Hear, hear! > > I always wanted to burp on command like my brother could, but he never succeeded in teaching me. What do you mean, “swallow air”? I can’t do it, either. I try swallowing air, but I just end up getting extremely nauseous. (Although I eventually do belch, it’s pretty unimpressive). I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was eleven. My family lived in this huge estate broken up into townhouse apartments until then, and the only place to ride was an extremely broken and buckled cement patio. (It wasn’t messy, just really old). But when I did learn, I learned PDQ. Swimming-you can’t just “let go” and expect to start swimming. My cousin taught me the trick is you HAVE to try with your face underwater first. Just take a deep breath, and blow bubbles. Then paddle your arms and pump your legs. Treading water’s even easier-you just peddle your legs like you’re riding a bicycle. Things I can’t do besides belching on command: Trilling my RRrrrs Whistle Do a proper cartwheel (I can do a crooked one, though, if that helps) ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/27 "2005-07-08T14:15:03Z")
My college had a basic swimming test for undergraduate students that was a graduation requirement. My swimming was poor enough that I was put in remedial swimming, which I think I took right after something geeky, like Differential Equations. (It felt like being back in high school.) I passed the test, but I don’t know if anyone was denied graduation for not doing so. Oh, and I have really poor coordination and balance, so I never learned to ride a bike either. I’d like to learn as an adult, but how do you do so? It’s one of those things everyone assumes everyone knows how to do. (Also, I never could snap my fingers, although I can make a similar noise with my tongue.) ---
**Author:** ![leandroc76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@leandroc76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leandroc76)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/28 "2005-07-08T14:16:08Z")
I can’t skateboard anymore. I can Tic-tac still. I can ollie, but not while I’m moving. I can’t kick flip, judo, manual or any of the streetstlye tricks anymore. as long as i’m still I can kick the board around but I can’t land it anymore. I’m 29 and it bothers the hell out of me, I always thought I’d be skating until I was 60. I dropped into a q-pipe at park and felt like it was the first time. My balance on the board sucks now. What makes me even madder, is that I can’t even manual anymore without feeling like my fat ass is gonna bail! BTW: I’m 158 lbs 5’ 3". ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/29 "2005-07-08T14:17:43Z")
I am an excellent swimmer. But I can not snap my fingers or tie my shoes. ---
**Author:** ![cormac262](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@cormac262](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cormac262)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/30 "2005-07-08T14:20:47Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > I can swim masterfully > I can whistle like a pro > I can burp on command an roll my r’s > I can even make a grilled cheese sandwich. > But those goddamn magic eye pictures are a curse upon mankind brought forth by Satan himself! What the fuck do you mean, ‘look past the pciture’? How can I look _at_ it if I’m looking past it? Argh!!! Let me ease your pain (I think the color images work best): 1. Take a piece of (clear) glass - the glass from a picture frame will do well. You will want a piece at least as big as the magic eye image. 2. Place the glass on top of the image. Make sure image is flat. 3. Staring straight at the image - focus on your reflection in the glass, not on the magic eye image. 4. Relax. Keeping focused on your reflection look “around” at the image and you should see the 3-D effect. This was how I learned how to see those images. And once you get used to it, you will no longer need the piece of glass. ScubaSteve: take lessons. You can’t exactly earn your handle if you can’t swim. As for me, two words: hula hoop. (Call me a spaz). ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/31 "2005-07-08T14:25:12Z")
> [@Dewey Finn](#): > > My college had a basic swimming test for undergraduate students that was a graduation requirement. That’s interesting Dewey. What college is that? (I hope the answer is the Naval Academy or Coast Guard School and not some landlocked little college in Nebraska. 😃 ) ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/32 "2005-07-08T14:27:47Z")
> [@Cunctator](#): > > Whistling Same here. People have tried to teach me and all fail. ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/33 "2005-07-08T14:29:03Z")
I’m in the same boat as the Op (boat, get it? ha ha!) on the swimming thing. However, after a bit of research that may or may not be factually accurate, I have made peace with my non swimming. Apparently, density has something to do with it- some people are just naturally more bouyant than others. Denser skeletal tissue is also more common in non-caucasian peoples (especially in Africans), and accounts for some of the shockingly low swimmer population for the Caribbean islands. Anyway, I sink like a stone I can avoid drowning, but that’s about it, and I can’t even tread water very well. ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/34 "2005-07-08T14:32:20Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > To make you feel better though, I can’t make gravy. It seems silly, but I take pride in being a pretty good cook and this irks me to no end. I can make white breakfast gravy with sausage, but not dinner gravies. They always suck. Very frustrating. Don’t worry, making gravy (sauces to be accurate) is considered the hallmark of a skilled chef and is probably the hardest thing for most culinary school students. The course itself is the most intensive in the curriculum. The average home cook has one hell of a time doing consistently and well. In the end, if just takes practice. Learn to make a good roux and you’re half way there. My problem is that I just never seem to have enough pan juices for a decent gravy. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/35 "2005-07-08T14:32:39Z")
I can’t make French knots, no matter how hard I try. Take swimming lessons! See if your gym offers one-on-one instruction. That’s like not knowing what to do in a fire or an earthquake. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/36 "2005-07-08T14:37:49Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > I can’t fly. It’s not so hard, once you get the hang of it. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/37 "2005-07-08T14:46:38Z")
> [@zamboniracer](#): > > That’s interesting Dewey. What college is that? > > (I hope the answer is the Naval Academy or Coast Guard School and not some landlocked little college in Nebraska. 😃 ) Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, in beautiful Troy NY. The nearest body of water of any size is the Hudson River. I _heard_ that this was a common requirement for New York State universities, but I never confirmed that. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/38 "2005-07-08T14:48:03Z")
I can’t raise one eyebrow, whistle with my fingers, or parallel park worth a damn. I also cannot do something as simple as _flick a lighter_ with my right hand, because I’m so left-handed that it actually borders on a disability. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/39 "2005-07-08T14:49:00Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > Have you nonswimmers ever considered taking lessons? I can’t imagine walking around knowing that a bit of water might kill me because I never learned such a basic thing. Every time I read a story about an older kid or an adult drowning because they couldn’t swim I get mad at their parents–it’s a vital skill, IMO, which should be taught to every able-bodied child. Adult lessons are fairly common and pretty inexpensive. In my area there are two or three teachers who work at the local public pools. When I go to the community college nearest my place I often see three or four adults in the pool learning how to swim from one of these instructors. Red Cross swim lessons are available at most public pools and there are adults in them all the time. IIRC a lot of safety workers(firemen, policemen, lifeguards) are required to keep their Red Cross certifications current so you’ll see them in classes once every few years even though they could practically teach the stuff. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2005, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567/40 "2005-07-08T14:56:51Z")
> [@Dewey Finn](#): > > Oh, and I have really poor coordination and balance, so I never learned to ride a bike either. I’d like to learn as an adult, but how do you do so? Um, in an empty parking lot at night? The currently popular way to learn riding a bike is to remove the pedals. Sit on it and kick the ground to move forward. This supposedly teaches you how to balance the bike without the distraction of pedaling. After you learn to coast on the pedal-less bike, pedaling should be easy. As for seemingly easy things I’ve never learned: flirting, finding a date, being romantic, making new friends, or concentrating on work without being distracted by the SDMB. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-cant-swim-make-me-feel-better/311567.md?page=3)