# I close on my first house in two weeks; what am I missing? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 3, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380 "2010-11-03T23:49:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Super\_Kapowzler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Super\_Kapowzler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Kapowzler)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/1 "2010-11-03T23:49:33Z")
Dear Bitches: How are you. I am fine. Wow, what a summer it has been…largest workload in my 10 years; we just hit “the Duldrums” and none too soon and shit. Anyway, I close on MY FIRST HOUSE, in two weeks and shit, and the shit is givin’ me nightmares about runnin’ around at a George Clinton concert and a Rasta security dude kept asking me if I had any questions about Parliment and shit. I told him no and kept runnin’. This is the shit I am goin’ through. So here is what I have been buyin’ this summer: '98 Chev extcab pickup 4X4, for moving. 600w Ballast/Hortilux HPS/Cool-Tube setup, + 5@fem Northern Lights + 5@fem Blackberry (Amsterdam genetics, baby!) 1979 Williams Flash pinball machine, reshopped and in VG-X condition. (remember Flash?) That’s the Varsity/Headliners at this point. I am cruising Craigslist for a tap/CO2 tank/regulator for the Fridge in the basement. Looking for another few neon signs and shit, as well. What am I forgetting? Shit, Top-Gun is on Iceman just shut down his engine, and Maverik is about to blow his gun, and I am too high to deal with all this. Word. I’ll hit the brakes, and bitch will fly right by. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/2 "2010-11-04T01:36:42Z")
Um, do you have, you know, _dishes?_ Sheets? Or am I a fool? ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/3 "2010-11-04T03:01:57Z")
I missed you. Does your new house come with appliances and shit? ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/4 "2010-11-04T03:32:35Z")
[SNL]Well, let’s see now Mr. Kapowsler, are you taking massive bong hits, or just little girly ones? /SNL] - kevin Spacey ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/5 "2010-11-04T03:46:19Z")
I think we can safely assume massive bong hits. Good to see you, again **Mr. Kapowzler**. Closing on a house is _supposed_ to give you nightmares - if it isn’t, you aren’t doing it right. ---
**Author:** ![Corrvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@Corrvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corrvin)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/6 "2010-11-04T04:59:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Closing on a house is _supposed_ to give you nightmares - if it isn’t, you aren’t doing it right. 12 hours after closing, I sat up in bed and said “WHAT have I DONE?” It got better. One thing I did that helped but I could’ve done it way faster: I bought a pile of those 30 gallon plastic tubs. I started with 12, but really I should have just bought 40. We ended up with about 30 or so and needed more. One thing I didn’t do and should’ve: Buy more than one broom, dustpan, and scrubby brush, up to the number of people in the household. It’s stupid to make multiple people wait to do things because someone can only sweep, mop, or otherwise clean a room for occupation so fast. And it won’t hurt you to have too many cleaning tools. Something I got the hang of pretty quickly: Pre-house unexpected expenses were in the $50 range. Homeowner “we need a what?” expenses are in the $500 range. Get used to it. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/7 "2010-11-04T05:20:44Z")
> [@Corrvin](#): > > Something I got the hang of pretty quickly: Pre-house unexpected expenses were in the $50 range. Homeowner “we need a what?” expenses are in the $500 range. Get used to it. Unless they are in the $5000 range. Sorry, not to scare ya or anything. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/8 "2010-11-04T05:59:21Z")
Dear Super Kapowzler: I am doing fine also. I have been missing your posts, but you seemed to have been too busy to write. Good luck with the new house. Write more soon. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/9 "2010-11-04T08:04:04Z")
Yo Super K! I think you need a small statue of [the Greek goddess of the harvest](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demeter) for your grow room. Then you could call your product: _Demeter Made_ And shit. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/10 "2010-11-04T13:32:31Z")
Dude, sorry about Prop 19 and shit. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/11 "2010-11-04T14:48:09Z")
The [thread=584284]Attackclan has also closed on a house. [/thread]Aaaaaaah! ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Kapowzler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Super\_Kapowzler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Kapowzler)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/12 "2010-11-04T16:42:29Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Um, do you have, you know, _dishes?_ Sheets? Or am I a fool? “Dishes and Sheets”? For a second there, I thought you said “100w Marshall Half-Stack and a Trolling Motor”. My bad. Well, to be honest, around the Casa Del Kapowzloco Grande, the drinking glasses consist of 6 Milwaukee Pickle jars( love them f-ers!), and 3 or 4 of those convienience-store fountain-drink cups, (32oz, complete with straw and lid assembly.) But I am not a Hoarder, just a saver. And a few foam-ones for hot drinks. For bowls, well, its dill dip containers, and the ones the frozen strawberries come in. I’m big on brocolli and dill dip, and I drink that strawberry shit like it was gravey. Couplea coolwhip containers too. I went a long time with a plastic plate from Wal-Mapart, but the fucker says “Non-microwaveable” on the bottom! WTF Wal-Mapart! so I got a stoneware plate, but I don’t think that fucker is microwaveable either, 'cuz when I nuke-up a balogna and cheese, the F-er gets so hot you can’t touch it. Anyway all that shit is headed for the shit-can when I bolt. I went to Tar-Zhay for flannel sheets when I put in my first bid, but they didn’t have them out yet. WTF Target! October in MN and no flannel sheets? Sheesh. Anyways, looks like another weekend of staggering around LOOWE’S, Home Despot, and Brother Meynard’s. Not buying, just lookin’. All appliances are included. Stay thirsty my friends. Word. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/13 "2010-11-04T17:05:18Z")
> [@Corrvin](#): > > 12 hours after closing, I sat up in bed and said “WHAT have I DONE?” > > It got better. > > One thing I did that helped but I could’ve done it way faster: I bought a pile of those 30 gallon plastic tubs. I started with 12, but really I should have just bought 40. We ended up with about 30 or so and needed more. > > One thing I didn’t do and should’ve: Buy more than one broom, dustpan, and scrubby brush, up to the number of people in the household. It’s stupid to make multiple people wait to do things because someone can only sweep, mop, or otherwise clean a room for occupation so fast. And it won’t hurt you to have too many cleaning tools. > > Something I got the hang of pretty quickly: Pre-house unexpected expenses were in the $50 range. Homeowner “we need a what?” expenses are in the $500 range. Get used to it. I think some of this advice may be… of limited use to the OP. Dustpans and shit? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/14 "2010-11-04T17:22:21Z")
Ah Kapowzler. You adorable thing! Have you talked to your insurance agent yet? Also, loosen up that writing hand. You’ll be 45 minutes signing all the papers when you close. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/15 "2010-11-04T17:26:25Z")
That pinball machine sounds rad. Careful what you get from Menards; a lot of their stuff is crap. When I bought a set of bathroom fixtures (towel racks, tp holder, etc.) every one of the “hardware included” drywall anchors crapped out and I had to replace them all. If you have multiple bathrooms get a separate set of cleaners for each one so you don’t have to lug that shit around. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/16 "2010-11-04T17:35:49Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > The [thread=584284]Attackclan has also closed on a house. [/thread]Aaaaaaah! Since nobody wants to come to my thread, I’ll hang here with Super K (& shit) > [@Oakminster](#): > > Yo Super K! > > I think you need a small statue of [the Greek goddess of the harvest](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demeter) for your grow room. Then you could call your product: > > _Demeter Made_ > > And shit. I’m thinking more along the lines of a [zombie lawn sculpture](http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/4/2008/07/Zombie_Garden.jpg). My brother has one. ‘s ver’ tasteful. ---
**Author:** ![Emily\_Litella](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emily_litella/32/3370_2.png) [@Emily\_Litella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emily_Litella)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/17 "2010-11-04T17:54:35Z")
[QUOTE=Super Kapowzler;13102622I went a long time with a plastic plate from Wal-Mapart, but the fucker says “Non-microwaveable” on the bottom! WTF Wal-Mapart! so I got a stoneware plate, but I don’t think that fucker is microwaveable either, 'cuz when I nuke-up a balogna and cheese, the F-er gets so hot you can’t touch it.[/QUOTE] Potholders. Maybe some placemats? You have a garage for the DeLorean, right? ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/18 "2010-11-04T19:14:16Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Also, loosen up that writing hand. You’ll be 45 minutes signing all the papers when you close. This. Start doing signing exercises now, to build up the muscles. Trust me, you’ll be cursing your parents for not naming you “Al” or something even shorter by the end of the whole thing (yeah, I bet you thought you had to sign a bunch of things for the mortgage application, didn’t you? That wasn’t nothing baby!) I guess you’ve got about six months to find a lawnmower and most yard stuff. You might want a rake now, though. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/19 "2010-11-04T19:29:43Z")
And don’t forget the middle initial. Why? I don’t know. I never use mine. Ever. But I was told many times before starting the signing ceremony that I had to use my middle initial. (No, it doesn’t make sense to me either. Especially because I. Never. Use. It. Ever. So any signature with my middle initial in it wouldn’t be my legal signature anyway. Because of the aforementioned never using it. Anyway.) Yeah, there’s only about 3 million signatures on our paperwork where I had to sneak it in anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Gedd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gedd/32/4938_2.png) [@Gedd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gedd)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380/20 "2010-11-04T20:56:34Z")
I second the lawnmower. Never had to mow, rake, water, shovel anything until buying a house. Change the locks ASAP, including garage door code. Change mailing address everywhere. Work, subscriptions, friends, etc. Make sure you notify the water, electricity and cable companies. The third is the most important. Life is pointless without cable. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-close-on-my-first-house-in-two-weeks-what-am-i-missing/559380.md?page=2)