# I did a nice gesture.....we'll see if it's appreciated or not **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2019, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515 "2019-06-14T16:54:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/121 "2019-06-16T14:50:10Z")
> [@BeeGee](#): > > You rolls the dice, you take your chances. You rolled. The outcome is that an overwhelming number of us believe the actions you describe are certifiably creepy. I don’t think it’s true. At what point on this sliding scale of bs it goes off the rails, I’m not sure. But certainly by the time that she sends you some scrolling thank you blurb just in time for you to conveniently let us know how much your actions were appreciated. > > I’m guessing you came up with this scenario for impressing some woman you want to get closer to. Your friends told you it’s a bad idea, so you decide to present it to us as something you’ve already done. Then when you get called out, you start making up these weird details. > > Either that or typical fan fic. She never sent me the scrolling thank you. And I don’t want to get closer to her. I don’t need to. Being gym friends is enough, and yeah, I should have been clearer on that earlier. Nothing is made up. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/122 "2019-06-16T14:54:17Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > So, like why the manipulation of NOT revealing that she’s already a friend of yours? Or her age? > > These tiny details were deliberately left off, but suddenly took on importance when people called you on the creepy factor. > > From this side it almost appears like you were purposely dancing right up to the ragged fringes of trolling. > > Can you explain why you’d ignore these details initially, only to then play them as mitigating reasons for your actions? Were you being as disingenuous as that appears? I definitely should have been clearer from the beginning. My mistake. Wasn’t intentional. Once people started speculating, that’s when I had to clarify. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/123 "2019-06-16T14:59:35Z")
**Moderator Action** > [@UnwittingAmericans](#): > > It’s basically rape. This isn’t the only inappropriate comment in this thread, but it’s the worst of the bunch. Apparently quite a few of you have been living under a rock for the past couple of years and haven’t heard that we are trying to make this place less squicky for our female members. Some of you clearly aren’t getting it. Given these types of comments, along with the fact that this thread is a bit of a train wreck for a whole bunch of other reasons, let’s just close this before anything worse happens. Thread closed. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/124 "2019-06-16T21:57:53Z")
**Moderator Action** Thread re-opened by request. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/125 "2019-06-16T22:45:32Z")
> [@engineer\_comp\_geek](#): > > **Moderator Action** > > Thread re-opened by request. That’s strange. I’d like to ask who requested?? You were right about your earlier thoughts on this. It’s run it’s course. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/126 "2019-06-16T22:57:08Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > That’s strange. I’d like to ask who requested?? > > You were right about your earlier thoughts on this. It’s run it’s course. [request](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=877251) ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/127 "2019-06-16T23:02:15Z")
So as a hypothetical … mowing a casual friend’s lawn for them without asking first? Could be appreciated as a nice surprise gesture, and in the story we’ve been presented, it was. But yeah this could be thought of as coming up and giving someone who looks stressed a back rub without asking first. It’s across the line of typical contact, maybe well-intended, might be appreciated, but inappropriate without asking first: “Hey, I used to mow lawns as job for years, kind of enjoy the exercise. Would you please give me permission to mow your lawn … and maybe drop your mower off in the shop for you? No big deal for me.” This is an ask first one, no matter if this time it was appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/flyer/32/7298_2.png) [@Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flyer)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/128 "2019-06-16T23:03:45Z")
> [@markn\_1](#): > > I really fail to see the relevance of this. Are you saying that because there are some people who have a legitimate reason to enter your property without your permission, everyone should be able to do that? If you see a stranger in your back yard, looking through your stuff, you just shrug and let him go on with his business? I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn’t have thought anything about it. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/129 "2019-06-16T23:14:22Z")
Very short, detailed and simple. So, a friend from the gym often talks of her crummy lawn and lawnmower problems (for months she’s brought it up, knowing that I’ve cut thousands of lawns in my lifetime). So finally I say to myself…“what the hell, I’ll drive over (surprise her) and cut it for her”. Look up her address online. Yep, in hindsight, I should have offered first. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/130 "2019-06-16T23:17:43Z")
> [@Flyer](#): > > I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn’t have thought anything about it. Twenty (or forty) years ago, single women got unlisted phone numbers. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/131 "2019-06-16T23:48:29Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > So, I know this person from the gym. We talk for a short bit every day. \ > I only know her by first name, but have heard her say her last name a time or two. > [@LiveFree](#): > > I’ll make this more interesting. > > First of all, she isn’t married or have a boyfriend. You’re such ‘good’ friends that she hasn’t told you her last name but you know she doesn’t have a boyfriend? Maybe she does & doesn’t talk about him, wanting to keep her personal details, you know, personal. Maybe the day you asked her was the morning after a huge fight but they’ve since rekindled. Maybe she’s in a new relationship, or at least was the day that you asked her a couple of months ago. Maybe she & her boyfriend both have Smart cars, which physically can’t accommodate a lawnmower in them. Maybe she has a boyfriend who has some physical disability, making it impossible to lift said lawnmower into her car. Being gym buddies with someone only enough to know their first name does \*\*not \*\*mean you know all of the intimate details of their life. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2019, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/132 "2019-06-16T23:56:21Z")
An awful lot of speculation there. So much so, I’m laughing. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/133 "2019-06-17T00:03:52Z")
> [@Flyer](#): > > I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn’t have thought anything about it. Ah yes, the good old days when stalking and assaults were ignored. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/134 "2019-06-17T00:31:00Z")
No good deed goes unpunished, I had a neighbor that was a single mother who never cut her grass, and one day I was cutting mine and I decided to cut hers and she was very thankful. The counter argument is when my Dad cut his neighbor’s grass and his lawnmower kicked up a rock and shattered their glass front door, so his good deed ended up costing him money and pissing off the neighbors. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/135 "2019-06-17T01:51:20Z")
> [@pool](#): > > No good deed goes unpunished, I had a neighbor that was a single mother who never cut her grass, and one day I was cutting mine and I decided to cut hers and she was very thankful. A neighbor, sure. Sounds about normal. A stranger from the gym, who to find out their address you have to > [@](#): > > looking on the town tax database instead of just asking them, sounds about stalkerish. And adding illegal trespass. Sounds about criminal. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/136 "2019-06-17T02:21:29Z")
> [@Flyer](#): > > I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn’t have thought anything about it. You’d think some people would be thinking about the ten year anniversary of the death of Rebecca Schaeffer, who was murdered by a stalker who looked up her address using public records and then showed up at her house and shot her. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/137 "2019-06-17T03:58:57Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > Very short, detailed and simple. > > So, a friend from the gym often talks of her crummy lawn and lawnmower problems (for months she’s brought it up, knowing that I’ve cut thousands of lawns in my lifetime). > > So finally I say to myself…“what the hell, I’ll drive over (surprise her) and cut it for her”. Look up her address online. Yep, in hindsight, I should have offered first. Seriously dude, _the obvious nice thing to do was to offer to take her lawn mower in_ and back from the repair shop and maybe to offer to mow her lawn once while it is getting fixed. The fact that you, in this story, haven’t offered to help her get her lawn mower in, while going through the exact same trouble to get your lawn mower there and back, is what gives your story the extra scary weird thing to do vibe. Mind you I’d be weirded out if my _next door neighbor_ had done what you did without asking first, probably say thank you because I’d be at a loss for what else to say to someone who meant well, but a bit upset. Going down the block with the snowblower clearing the whole block’s sidewalk would be generous and mite neighborly, but more than that is creepy. Someone I just know from a gym? Very uncomfortable, not “a nice gesture” at all. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/138 "2019-06-17T04:21:04Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Mind you I’d be weirded out if my _next door neighbor_ had done what you did without asking first, probably say thank you because I’d be at a loss for what else to say to someone who meant well, but a bit upset. Not all that weird around my neighborhood. Last place I lived at the neighbor would mow my lawn when he was out there, and I’d mow his. We never talked to each other about it. Just somehow became a thing–never thought much of it. And here during the winter I’ll shovel the sidewalk for several neighbors when I’m out there. I mean, why not. Never thought of anything being creepy about that. But, yeah, as I said before, the situation in the OP is a bit much. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/139 "2019-06-17T05:33:17Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > So as a hypothetical … mowing a casual friend’s lawn for them without asking first? > > Could be appreciated as a nice surprise gesture, and in the story we’ve been presented, it was. But yeah this could be thought of as coming up and giving someone who looks stressed a back rub without asking first. It’s across the line of typical contact, maybe well-intended, might be appreciated, but inappropriate without asking first: “Hey, I used to mow lawns as job for years, kind of enjoy the exercise. Would you please give me permission to mow your lawn … and maybe drop your mower off in the shop for you? No big deal for me.” > > This is an ask first one, no matter if this time it was appreciated. I mow that little strip of grass between the sidewalk and the curb for my next two neighbors and I shovel the sidewalk in front of their rowhouses in the winter. Neither of them own a mower and the guy two houses down had a stroke a while back. It’d be weird to skip the neighbor between my rowhouse and the elderly neighbor, so I just do it all. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/140 "2019-06-17T09:23:55Z")
Seriously? After that previous thread where plenty of people said that it was creepy to look up people online? You are still doing it? This one woman may not have cared. (If the story is being accurately reported.) That doesn’t change the fact that there are plenty of people who would find it creepy. What else is it going to take? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515.md?page=8)