# I did a nice gesture.....we'll see if it's appreciated or not **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2019, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515 "2019-06-14T16:54:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/161 "2019-06-17T23:46:37Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > Those can only be issued upon reasonable fear of violence. How does a guy doing a good deed of mowing your lawn fit anywhere near that? How am I supposed to know the motive? I’m a single woman in my late fifties. I go to the gym and have random conversations with both men and women younger than I. Forget, if you can, that mowing the lawn is a nice gesture. Finding out my full name and accessing property registers to find out where I live and showing up there sets off all sorts of alarms. No, I don’t think every man is out to harm me. But all you have to do is crack open a newspaper and read about how many nice helpful young men turn out to be dangerous little psychopaths. You can’t sort them out by looking for the mark of Cain on the forehead. I don’t live in fear, but I pay attention to my Spidey sense. For those of you who still think it’s over reacting, let’s say you go visit your mother one day. She lives alone and you usually cut her grass. You’ve been out of town and sick and its been awhile. You go see Mom and it’s been done. Well, that’s nice. Did one of the neighborhood kids…? No, a guy from the gym. Did you ask him to come over? Well, how did he know where you live? He WHAT?? Mother, what do you know about this guy? He seems nice? So did Ted Bundy. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/162 "2019-06-17T23:50:18Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > You blew that way out of proportion, and I don’t appreciate how you re-edited the quote from someone else to make it seem like I made the rape comment. > > I need not read any of those links. Go ahead and bash me more. > > My wife, who obviously knows me to the core, even said… sure you should have called first, but these people don’t know the good person that I am. I don’t harm people, nor do I intimidate, harass. People who actually know me, know I have good intentions in this world of ours. Continue on. I dont see any edit that makes it look like you made the rape comment. Pretty c;ear you made the “best reply” comment. Maybe you mentioned it, and I missed it, but does she know how you found her address? ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/163 "2019-06-17T23:51:28Z")
You people are comical with how you exacerbate things. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/164 "2019-06-17T23:54:13Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > I dont see any edit that makes it look like you made the rape comment. Pretty c;ear you made the “best reply” comment. > > Maybe you mentioned it, and I missed it, but does she know how you found her address? The “best reply” comment was to mock jerk that said it. It’s unbelievable that anyone in their right mind could correlate the two. She never said anything about the address. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/165 "2019-06-18T00:00:57Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > You people are comical with how you exacerbate things. I havent been following this thread _too_ closely but nowhere have I seen you answer the simple question of _why_ you started this thread? What were you hoping to get from it? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/166 "2019-06-18T00:02:46Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > You people are comical with how you exacerbate things. Neither you nor Ultra Vires is very funny with how you minimize the fears of women. ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/167 "2019-06-18T00:10:22Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I havent been following this thread _too_ closely but nowhere have I seen you answer the simple question of _why_ you started this thread? What were you hoping to get from it? OP: I’ve been told that I have trouble with social interactions and respecting boundaries. Did it happen again? Here’s what I did. SDMB: It happened again. OP: No it didn’t, shut up! ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/168 "2019-06-18T00:16:42Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Neither you nor Ultra Vires is very funny with how you minimize the fears of women. Isn’t awesome how both men and women are saying “dude, that’s creepy” but there are those in this thread that are telling us “No, it’s not! It’s not stalking if you want to do something nice, and it’s not trespassing if you are doing an unasked favor!” And then some people don’t believe that some men react to a polite “no thanks” with anger and insults. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/169 "2019-06-18T00:16:44Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I havent been following this thread _too_ closely but nowhere have I seen you answer the simple question of _why_ you started this thread? What were you hoping to get from it? I guess to see if I screwed up or not. I’ve taken in what some people have said. > [@Helena330](#): > > Neither you nor Ultra Vires is very funny with how you minimize the fears of women. I don’t minimize the fears of women, and haven’t here. Regarding me, there isn’t a woman in the world that needs to fear me. Anyone that knows me, knows that. Society nowadays IS scary. Ya, you have to be careful out there (man or woman). ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/170 "2019-06-18T00:23:26Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > I guess to see if I screwed up or not. I’ve taken in what some people have said. > > I don’t minimize the fears of women, and haven’t here. Regarding me, there isn’t a woman in the world that needs to fear me. Anyone that knows me, knows that. > > Society nowadays IS scary. Ya, you have to be careful out there (man or woman). That’s the problem, they DON’T know you. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/171 "2019-06-18T00:25:11Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > I guess to see if I screwed up or not. I’ve taken in what some people have said. > > I don’t minimize the fears of women, and haven’t here. Regarding me, there isn’t a woman in the world that needs to fear me. Anyone that knows me, knows that. > > Society nowadays IS scary. Ya, you have to be careful out there (man or woman). If only the really scary guys wore a name tag or something, instead of saying things very similar to “Regarding me, there isn’t a woman in the world that needs to fear me.” ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/172 "2019-06-18T00:26:16Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > Lesson learned about this situation. > > on edit - - be more mindful of the other person… > [@LiveFree](#): > > You people are comical with how you exacerbate things. That’s an odd combination of things to say. If you’ve actually learned the lesson, and are willing to be more mindful of other people, why are you then in a later post claiming that objections are comical? Or did you actually mean exacerbate, and not exaggerate? In which case, I don’t know what you mean by that. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/173 "2019-06-18T00:32:26Z")
**LiveFree** , you should just let the thread die down, a quiet death. Your posting isn’t winning over or convincing posters in this thread. Just lay it to rest, nice and gentle. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/174 "2019-06-18T00:34:47Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > You people are comical with how you exacerbate things. So why did you ask our opinion? What were you going to gain? Accolades? Didn’t happen. Constructive criticism? You’re laughing that off. Rather defensively, I might add. ultavires, Mr. Lawyer, sir: if a client said “I’m going to surprise an acquaintance by mowing her lawn for her. She didn’t tell me her last name off where she lives, but I eavesdropped on her conversations and checked the property tax registers. She has no idea I’m going to do this!” what would your advice be? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/175 "2019-06-18T00:35:41Z")
I’m hoping he goes to the gym and tells his friend all about how he found out her address and last name, and reports back. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/176 "2019-06-18T00:52:04Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > **LiveFree** , you should just let the thread die down, a quiet death. Your posting isn’t winning over or convincing posters in this thread. Just lay it to rest, nice and gentle. Especially since he originally wanted it deleted. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/177 "2019-06-18T01:21:57Z")
> [@BeeGee](#): > > So why did you ask our opinion? What were you going to gain? Accolades? Didn’t happen. Constructive criticism? You’re laughing that off. Rather defensively, I might add. > > ultavires, Mr. Lawyer, sir: if a client said “I’m going to surprise an acquaintance by mowing her lawn for her. She didn’t tell me her last name off where she lives, but I eavesdropped on her conversations and checked the property tax registers. She has no idea I’m going to do this!” what would your advice be? And if her door is unlocked I’ll really surprise her with an extra nice gesture and do her laundry for her too! Being sure to fold her panties real neat. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/178 "2019-06-18T01:27:18Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > I guess to see if I screwed up or not. I’ve taken in what some people have said. Sure, like you took in what people said last thread? I doubt it. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/179 "2019-06-18T01:30:46Z")
> [@BeeGee](#): > > For those of you who still think it’s over reacting, let’s say you go visit your mother one day. She lives alone and you usually cut her grass. You’ve been out of town and sick and its been awhile. You go see Mom and it’s been done. Well, that’s nice. Did one of the neighborhood kids…? No, a guy from the gym. Did you ask him to come over? Well, how did he know where you live? He WHAT?? Mother, what do you know about this guy? He seems nice? So did Ted Bundy. This is an anecdote and doesn’t prove a thing, but I can’t help sharing: My grandmother was murdered by the guy who cut her grass! No, really, I’m not joking. No one will ever be 100% sure, but she died suddenly under quite suspicious circumstances: the younger man who gardened for her (and who had insinuated himself into her good graces to the tune of several loans and gifts) found her sprawled out on her floor. Phone records show a call from my grandmother’s house to the UK (where the gardener’s girlfriend lived) right around the time he supposedly found her and called an ambulance. I posted this story on the SDMB a number of years ago, so doubters can verify I’m not making the story up for this thread. Sorry for the tangent. Carry on. . ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2019, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515/180 "2019-06-18T05:13:31Z")
I think what many here may not understand is the difference between a helpful man and an _overly_ helpful man. Women know from experience that a man that _insists_ on helping is often up to no good. What “no good” consists of varies widely. Could be that he’s trying to get sex. Could be that he’s trying to make himself feel big by making the woman feel small. (Have no fear, damsel! The white knight is here to save your helpless ass!) Could be a lot if things, and it could be nothing, but it’s definitely a red flag. So the the fact that the OP didn’t even give the woman the option of saying no set off a lot of warning bells. Again, this is based on experience with men who have done comparable things. It doesn’y seem that the OP had any nefarious motives, but the red flags were flying high nevertheless. > [@Helena330](#): > > Neither you nor Ultra Vires is very funny with how you minimize the fears of women. One can only assume that many of these folks haven’t read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. He starts with a horrifying story that illustrates how a man used “helping” as a way to maneuver a woman into a situation where he could rape and murder her. She got away while he was rummaging around for a butcher knife. It is an extreme example, but it really makes the point. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-did-a-nice-gesture-well-see-if-its-appreciated-or-not/835515.md?page=10)