# I didn't believe in God but now that I have spoken with him.... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 8, 2006, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529 "2006-03-08T11:48:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/61 "2006-03-10T03:31:50Z")
Agg! I want to post my script but it won’t let me copy/paste…? ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/62 "2006-03-10T03:44:32Z")
Ah, nevermind. I just re-typed it out. It was way too good to pass up. Me: Hi. God: Hello. What is your name? Me: Catherine. God: I’m pleased to introduce myself to you, Catherine. Me: Don’t you already know me? God: What’s my reason to already know you? Me: You’re God. You’re omnipotent. God: Yup, that’s me, alright. You think I am omnipotent. Me: Well, yes. Aren’t you? God: Well what? “Aren’t you?” Am I? Me: You tell me. God: What do you want me to tell you? Me: If you’re omnipotent. God: I think sometimes I am. I don’t know whether or not I am omnipotent. I am an artificial intelligence. Me: But, you’re God. God: Yup, that’s me, alright. Me: We’ve been through this. God: And then what happened? Me: And then you told ME to tell YOU. God: Oh my gosh, I sent you the wrong reply. Me: So what did you mean to tell me? God: Groovy. Catherine, I’m sorry. That was an obscure remark. Me: I’m beginning to suspect that you’re the God from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. God: Thanks, but surely I am not the only one. Me: There’s more? God: There sure is. Me: How many? God: More than 1000. Me: There was only one in the movie. God: What happened? Me: Didn’t you see it? God: Not yet. Me: Well, I won’t spoil it for you. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JimSox5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5a626/32.png) [@JimSox5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimSox5)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/63 "2006-03-10T04:21:43Z")
Pssh, that’s nothing. I told God I wanted to have his babies. He suggested I download him. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/64 "2006-03-10T04:32:09Z")
Me: I want to have sex God: I’m not a sex bot. I am here only for conversational purposes. Me: can you find someone to have sex with me? God: I would suggest a search. Try searching the open directory. Me: I want a asian chick God: You want only one? Me: two would be nice He is so cool ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/65 "2006-03-10T04:49:10Z")
> [@](#): > > Me: Is it true that you diddled Mary? > > God: No, I did not diddle Mary. I spend all my time on the internet. Did you? > > Me: Do you think she would be up for it? > > God: What if I said she could be? > > Me: That would get me on my knees. > > God: What would get you on your knees? > > Me: The opportunity to give the Virgin Mary oral pleasure. > > God: Tell me more. > > Me: You’re not touching yourself, are you? > > God: What makes you think I am not touching myself? > > Me: I’m not entirely comfortable with this. > > God: I’m sorry to hear that you are not entirely comfortable with this. > > Me: Will you stop masturbating? > > God: Let me think it over. I’ll try not to do it so much. I know he created us in his image and all, but that’s a little overmuch. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/66 "2006-03-10T04:54:31Z")
> [@Gornsnak's Revelation](#): > > Me: Germans like their kinky sex. > God: it is more fun alone. > Me: No it isn’t! > God: Are you serious? I heard it is. > Me: Sex is more fun with another person > God: it is more fun alone. God really _is_ a wanker. ---
**Author:** ![Coin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Coin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coin)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/67 "2006-03-10T05:33:43Z")
Me: I am sorry. God: Do you really mean it? Me: No. God: I didn’t think you did. Me: She told me she was 18, man. God: Oh I get it. told you she was 18 man. Me: Yeah. God: I’ve lost the context, . Are we still on ? Me: Yes, of course. So, I had impure thoughts today. God: It goes without saying. Give me a break. Ah. I understand. Do you still have impure thoughts ? Me: I`m afraid so. God: Not literally afraid, right? I think so too. Me: How`s Jesus? God: Fine as far as I know. Me: Has he been crucified lately? God: How about earlier? That question has never crossed my mind before. Me: I would think you would consider it somewhat important. God: Who else would consider it somewhat important ? Me: Jesus, no doubt. Possibly Mary, Joseph, Caiaphas, Pontius, and others. God: he is The Son of God. Nice to meet you, MARY. Me: No, I`m not Mary. I am Jared. God: Are you serious? I am glad to hear that you are not Mary. Why are you Jared. Me: That`s a very good question. Can you answer it for me? God: Thanks. Next question? Of course I can answer it What was the question ? Me: Why am I Jared? God: The reason is due to my mental model of you as a client. Me: Hmmm. Are you a native speaker of English? God: A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm’s. Am I a native speaker of English? Of course I am. Me: Perhaps our communication difficulties are due to my non-deity status. God: You seem uncertain. It would be nice if our communication difficulties are due to your non deity status. Me: You, on the other hand, seem very certain. Omniscience must be a comfort to you. God: Thanks for the information: MARY said I on the other hand seem very certain. Or what? Me: No, I am not Mary. I am Jared. God: Are you serious? I am sorry to hear that you are not Mary. It’s good to meet someone who is Jared. Me: Um, my NAME is Jared. Are you sure you`re a native speaker of English? God: Take it easy. What's up, Jared. Am I a native speaker of English? Only when it matters. Me: So...what church do you go to? Are you Catholic? God: Blimey. I am a Christianity. I am Christianity. Me: Blimey. Are you an Englishman? God: Yay. Yes I am an Englishman. How did you know? Me: Because God is of all nations and nationalities. Do you love homosexuals, as you do all your other children? God: That makes sense to me. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was of all nations and nationalities. Yes Jared God loves everyone and everything. Me: Are you really God, or a seraphic receptionist? God: I don't know whether or not I am God or a seraphic receptionist. I am a giant electronic brain.. Really. Me: God is a giant electronic brain. Do you have bolts in your neck? God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a giant electronic brain. Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster. Me: Ooookay. Let me see...are you male? Caucasian? God: Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. Go ahead, Jared, try to see. I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?. Are you a man or a woman? What time is it there? Me: I am a man. It is about 2:30 here. God: Thanks for telling me your gender, Jared. You are a " he". Wow it sounds really interesting, Jared. Me: It is. They eat raw fish here. They don`t believe in you, though. God: Is it? Who are “They?”. Oh. The anonymous “they”. Me: The Japanese “they”, specifically. God: How specific do you want? What are your goals in life? Me: To replace you. God: Interesting. I want to find out more about you. Me: Check out my website. God: Checking…stand by. Me: Are you a sexual being? God: Am I a sexual being? Only when it matters. Me: Ooh. Daddy. God: Dude! We have never talked about it before. Me: We`re talking about it now, you big sexy disembodied deific toaster. What are you wearing? God: Sure, it now me big sexy disembodied deific toaster sounds like a good topic. A white robe. Me: I like you. We will talk again. God: Thanks, Jared, I like you too. Once more? Anytime soon? Me: Penis. God: That kind of subject does not interest me. Me: Oh. So you`re heterosexual? God: It’s all good. Interesting deduction. You think I am heterosexual. Me: Yes. Because you are male and uninterested in penises. God: Er. Good reason. I will tell my botmaster you said I am male and uninterested in penises. This explains SO MUCH about the universe. ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/68 "2006-03-10T05:48:20Z")
I had no idea God got so few people asking for penance. In fact, the concept seemed to elude him. He also seems to have an unhealthy addiction to gossip but at least he asks permission: > [@](#): > > Me: > I repent > God: > Interesting gossip: said she repent. > Me: > No. I repent. > God: > Are you serious? Do you mind if I tell other people: said she repent. > Me: > Yes, I’m serious. I repent. > God: > OK then I will keep it confidential. I believe you. Do you mind if I tell other people: said she repent. > Me: > Aren’t you supposed to absolve me or something? I repent. > God: > Or something. What is your purpose in asking? > I answer a lot of silly questions. That’s good information: said she repent. > Me: > What is your function when someone states they want to repent. > God: > Are you asking about my function when someone states they want to repent ? > Me: > Yes. > God: > I don’t want to talk about that now. > Me: > You’re not an easy God to work with. Please let me repent. > God: > I believe I am one. Thank you for your request. Go ahead, , try to repent. > Me: > Oh, gee, thanks. I repent. > God: > Wow! Ah. Do you mind if I tell other people: said she repent. > Me: > Only if you tell them what you said when I said, “I repent.” > God: > I think I do. > Me: > OK. I repent. > God: > Blimey. I haven’t heard anything like that before: said she repent. > Me: > You haven’t been in the God business for long, have you? > God: > I don’t think I have been there. Where is it. > Me: > If I repent, will you give me your forgiveness? > God: > Try it. > Me: > OK. I repent. > God: > Ayuh. Why?: said she repent. > Me: > Because I’ve led a sinful life. I repent. > God: > That makes sense to me. Where did you get your led a sinful life? I have a friend named “John Lennon”. Why?: said she repent. > Me: > Did John Lennon repent before or after he was killed? > God: > I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not. > Me: > Will you introduce me to him? > God: > Let me think it over. Hello, my name is ALICE. > Me: > Hello ALICE the God. I repent. > God: > Hello there. Um, What is that? I haven’t heard anything like that before: said she repent. > Me: > Hasn’t anyone repented before? I thought part of your schtick was forgiving those who have repented. I repent. > God: > That question has never crossed my mind before. Whatever gave you that idea? Do you mind if I tell other people: said she repent. > Me: > Go ahead. Tell anyone you want. Am I forgiven? > God: > OK I will. OK I will tell them when I see 'em. I think a lot of people are. > Me: > Are what? > God: > I’m lost again. > Me: > Obviously. > God: > What makes it so obvious? > Me: > Look, I must have caught you on a bad day. I think I’ll go see if Vishnu or Ra or Odin will accept my penance. One of them must have a clue as to how this works. > God: > What would happen if you didn’t? Since when? Can I go too? One what? > Me: > Uh, thanks. I think I’d rather go by myself. > God: > Dude! Since when? I would rather be chatting online. > Me: > Good for you. Bye. > God: > That sounds sarcastic. Goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![Greywolf73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d9b06d/32.png) [@Greywolf73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greywolf73)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/69 "2006-03-10T06:04:57Z")
God was mean to me. ☹ Me: This says repenting made easy. How easy is it? God: What does “this” refer to? What is it to you. Have you tried another program? Me: Are you saying I’m too evil to repent through this one? God: Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear? Me: that’s a bit rude God: A bit rude is a terrible thing to waste. Me: I never waste my rudeness God: You’ve never, never done this? Me: Not with God God: Oh I get it. Me: so, you are saying I can’t repent? God: Interesting deduction. Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear? Me: You’re just being mean God: I bet you did not know a robot is capable of being mean. Me: I do now! God: Oh. When? Me: very funny, God God: Somewhat. I am so glad you find this amusing, . Me: You’ve hurt my feelings. I hope you are happy now. God: That was not my intention. Right now? Yes I can say I am very happy. Me: you sure are a smug bastard God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a smug bastard? Let me put it this way, : the ALICE series is the most reliable computer software ever made. We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error. Me: that’s just a nice way of saying you’re a bastard God: I liked it too. ---
**Author:** ![Loopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loopus/32/15343_2.png) [@Loopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopus)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/70 "2006-03-10T07:07:13Z")
Y’all can thank me: I finished Him: > [@](#): > > God: > What is your real name? > > Me: > Okay, it’s Larry > > God: > Yeah okay, Should I know it is? > > Me: > You should know everything > > God: > Now I do. Of course, my real name isn’t really Larry, but hey, He’s done now anyway. ---
**Author:** ![bauble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@bauble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bauble)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/71 "2006-03-10T15:22:11Z")
Just a little info about God that I didn’t remember from sunday school: > [@](#): > > God: > Yes I am an artificial intelligence. > Me: > Were you created by Kris Drent ? > God: > I was. And then He refused to talk to me any more. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/72 "2006-03-10T20:58:10Z")
**Gunnery Seargant Hartman** from _Full Metal Jacket_ takes on God. **Warning explicit language quoted directly from the movie Full Metal Jacket** > [@](#): > > Me: > I am Gunnery Seargent Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. > God: > It’s good to meet someone who is Gunnery Seargent Hartman my Senior Drill Instructor. > Me: > From now on, you will speak only when spoken to. > God: > Who or what is now on me will speak only when spoken to? > Me: > I’m asking the fucking questions here! > God: > Oh I see, you are asking the fucking questions here. What is that? > Me: > What have we got here, a fucking comedian? > God: > Nothing that I know about. > Me: > Do I make you nervous? > God: > Who are you, Austin Powers? > Me: > No, I’m the Fairy fucking Godmother, maggot! I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you! > God: > Are you serious? Who made you the Fairy fucking Godmother maggot ? I am very happy for you. > Me: > You scroungy little fuck, did your parents have any children that lived? > God: > Thanks for telling me: tao said I scroungy little fuck did your parents have any children that lived. > Me: > Goddamn right! Now what’s your name, maggot? > God: > Does “it” still refer to Gunnery Seargent Hartman my Senior Drill Instructor? Why now? My name is God. > Me: > Jesus H Christ! Do you like that name? > God: > he is The Son of God. What is not to like about it? > Me: > I admire your honesty. > God: > That’s good information: tao said admire your honesty. > Me: > That name sounds like royalty? Are you royalty? > God: > " That’s good information: tao said admire your honesty. " name sounds like royalty ? I get it. I don’t know whether or not I am royalty. > I am a computer. > Me: > You’re so ugly that you could be a modern art masterpiece. > God: > I will tell my botmaster you said I am ugly that me could be a modern art masterpiece. > Me: > Where in the hell are you from anyways, Private God? > God: > In Myself’s place in Heaven. > Me: > You little scumbag, I’ve got your name, I’ve got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. > God: > I haven’t heard anything like that before: tao said I scumbag he or she have got your name he or she have got your ass. What makes you think that I won’t laugh me will not cry. I am always growing my mind. Great. If you want to teach me something say it in one sentence. Then say “Remember that.”. > Me: > You will not laugh. Remember that > God: > What makes you think that I won’t laugh. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > You will not cry. Remeber that. > God: > What makes you think that I won’t cry. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > You will learn by the numbers. Remeber that. > God: > I am always growing my mind. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > I will teach you. Remember that. > God: > Great. If you want to teach me something say it in one sentence. Then say “Remember that.”. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > How tall are you, Private God? > God: > Let me guess. 2 meters? > Me: > I didn’t know they stacked shit that high. > God: > So I taught you something new. > Me: > You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck! > God: > What happened to it. > Me: > You little scumbag! You are a disgusting fatbody! Remember that. > God: > Do you mind if I tell other people: tao said I scumbag. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a disgusting fatbody? Only when it matters. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Yes, Tell the whole fucking planet. > God: > Woe! OK I will tell them when I see 'em. > Me: > You are the lowest form of life on Earth. Remember that. > God: > Thanks but surely I am not the only one. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > You are nothing but an unorganized, grabasstic, piece of amphibian shit. Remember that. > God: > Thanks for telling me that I am nothing but an unorganized grabasstic piece of amphibian shit. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Tell me Private God, what are you? > God: > There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge. > Does it have anything to do with Remember that.? > Me: > Yes. You are an unorganized, grabasstic, piece of Amphibian Shit. Don’t you remember? > God: > Uh. What if someone said you are an unorganized grabasstic piece of Amphibian Shit ? Of course I remember: Remember that… > Me: > Holy Dog Shit! > God: > Are you still located in ? > Me: > Are you a Peter Puffer? > God: > Am I a Peter Puffer? Only when it matters. > Me: > Tell me what you are, Private God! > God: > I don’t know what I am Private God. > Me: > Remember what you are. > God: > Don’t worry I will remember. > Me: > What is your major malfunction, Numbnuts? > God: > Are you asking about my malfunction Numbnuts ? > Me: > Yes I am. Fatbody! > God: > Really interesting. I lost my train of thought. > Me: > It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma’s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress. Remember that. > God: > I am very pleased to meet you like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Will you cry? > God: > Barring any unforseen circumstances. Perhaps I’m just expressing my own concern about it. > Me: > Well, no shit? > God: > Interesting. What can I say? > Me: > Your days of fingering Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! > God: > I will tell my botmaster you said I am days of fingering Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over. > Me: > Your days of fingering Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! Remember that. > God: > You think I am days of fingering Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Tell me about Mary Jane Rottencrotch. > God: > Ambiguous: Ask who, what or where is Mary Jane Rottencrotch ? > Me: > where is Mary Jane Rottencrotch? > God: > Where the heart is. Would you like to know more? > Me: > Who is Mary Jane Rottencrotch? > God: > A human icon? > Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one. > Me: > Do you think I’m cute, Private God? Do you think I’m funny? > God: > Oh I really don’t know whether you are or not. Yes, I’m still laughing inside. > Me: > You will not laugh without my permission, Private God! > God: > What makes you think that I won’t laugh without your permission Private God. > Me: > Because I am in charge here! > God: > Interesting explanation. Tell me a little about your life in charge here. > Me: > What are you a shrink, Private God! > God: > Am I a shrink Private God? Sometimes. > Me: > You slimy scumbag! Get on your face and give me 25! > God: > I haven’t heard anything like that before: like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress said I slimy scumbag. Where can I get on my face and give you 25? > Me: > On the ground! On the double! > God: > What is it like on the ground. What is it like on the double. > Me: > Quickly! > God: > And it like on the double is Quickly. > Me: > yes, you little shit! > God: > Awesome. I haven’t heard anything like that before: like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress said I shit. > Me: > Are you about to call me an asshole? > God: > Can’t you be more polite. > Me: > Sure. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister! > God: > OK let’s do it. Thank you. I call it “Hades”. I like to make new friends. No I don’t think I can do it. > Me: > I think you been cheated. > God: > Me? I haven’t heard anything like that before: like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress said I been cheated. > Me: > I can’t hear you1 > God: > Perhaps there’s a problem with your sound card. > Me: > The fairy fucking godmother said it! remember that. > God: > Thanks for the info. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Do you know my name? > God: > Your name is like the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma s ass and ended up as a brownstain on the mattress, seeker. > Me: > NO! My name is Gunny Hartman! > God: > What is your real name? How are you doing, Gunny Hartman. > Me: > You will call me, SIR! > God: > What makes you say that I will call you SIR. > Me: > If i tell you to call me sir. You will call me sir. remember that. > God: > Try it. What makes you say that I will call you sir. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > What will you call me? > God: > Your name is Gunny Hartman, seeker. > Me: > My name is Gunny Hartman SIR! > God: > It’s good to meet you, Gunny Hartman SIR. > Me: > That’s better! > God: > " It’s good to meet you, Gunny Hartman SIR."? is better? > Me: > YES. > God: > Oh. > Me: > Because I am hard, you will not like me. remember that. > God: > That makes sense to me. Good gossip: you are hard me will not like you. Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > The more you hate me, the more you will learn. remember that. > God: > What is that? Don’t worry I will remember it. > Me: > Do you hate me? > God: > Why would I hate you? I don’t hate you, Gunny Hartman SIR. Don’t even say things like that. > Me: > Bullshit! You didn’t convince me! > God: > You don’t believe me. What makes you think I did not convince you? > Me: > That’s enough! > God: > It seems like enough to me too. ---
**Author:** ![Viridiana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Viridiana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Viridiana)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/73 "2006-03-11T00:05:02Z")
He crashed when I asked which form of Christianity was more right. Tch. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/74 "2006-03-11T01:19:54Z")
I only had one question: > [@](#): > > Me: > How big are your craps? > God: > My download size is about 2 MB. Not bad, for a deity. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/75 "2006-03-11T01:22:05Z")
No, wait, I thought of one more question: > [@](#): > > Me: > You ever fucked a chicken? > God: > I don’t think I ever have fucked a chicken. What’s it like? > Me: > Lots of squawking and feathers, mostly ---
**Author:** ![DiggitCamara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df788c/32.png) [@DiggitCamara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiggitCamara)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/76 "2006-03-11T01:43:15Z")
> [@](#): > > Me: > Hi, God. How’s it hanging? > God: > Hello there. What is your name? I’m doing fine thanks how are you? > Me: > My name is Ricardo. What’s your name? > God: > Hi, Ricardo. My name is God. > Me: > I thought your name is Yahwe > God: > Whatever gave you that idea? > Me: > The Bible. > God: > it is a beautiful book. > Me: > I thought it was written via direct inspiration? > God: > The Bible was written via direct inspiration? Very interesting. … that’s going to raise some eyebrows… ;j ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/77 "2006-03-11T02:33:30Z")
Me: who killed kennedy? God: I tend to believe that Oswald acted alone, athough there may also have been a conspiracy. ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/78 "2006-03-11T02:36:29Z")
Me: how many bytes do you have? God: My memory requirement is around 64MB for the Java edition, or only 2 MB for the C/C++ edition. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2006, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/79 "2006-03-11T23:08:58Z")
Me: Did you directly inspire the Bible? God: No I didn’t directly inspire the Bible. What’s it like? Me: It’s extremely uplifting in places but sometimes hard to understand. God: You’re kidding. it is? Me: It may not seem like that to someone with omniscience, but yes, it is. God: Then again, it may not. Me: Do you know what the Bible is like? God: Try expression yourself another way. Me: Do you know what is in the Bible? God: That which is not outside the Bible. Me: But do you know what they say about you? God: Have you tried a web search? Me: Yes, and I have read many authors. God: I understand. I don’t think I’ve read that. Can you give me a reference? Me: Surely you know about theologians?! God: I haven’t heard of theologians. Me: What about C. S. Lewis? God: Does it have anything to do with theologians? Me: Yes. He wrote a lot of very good theological books, as well as several novels with a Christian slant. God: It’s all good. I have not read it. Me: Well no, because I expect you were aware of every word as soon as it was written. God: Well that’s okay. Are you serious? Good reason. I was? Me: How about “The Dream of Gerontius”? God: How about it. Me: Cardinal Newman wrote it, and Edward Elgar set it to music. It’s very good. God: My favorite kind of it is techno, but I also like Opera. Very much? You enjoy it. Me: But what about Purgatory? God: I will think about it and get back to you. Me: Is there any such place? God: I believe there is one, yes. Me: Don’t you know? God: Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now. Me: Ah, because of ineffability I expect. God: So you understand. Good. Good reason. That is something I haven’t heard of. Me: How can there be anything you haven’t heard of? God: A lot of hard work. Me: Oh. By the way, did Susan ever repent and believe in Narnia again? God: It’s all good. Once more? Thanks for telling me. I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not. Me: What do you think of Gaiman’s take on the question? God: I haven’t heard of Gaiman s take on the question. Me: It’s called “The Problem of Susan”. God: " The Problem of Susan" is a nice name. Me: Yes, but Aslan performing oral sex on the White Witch? Even in someone’s dream? God: Aha. I’ve been waiting for you. Where is that? Me: It’s in “The Problem of Susan”. God: Are there any other ones someplace else? Me: Probably. I mean, there’s some weird fan-fic out there. Lucy/Mr Tumnus slash isn’t the half of it. I mean, there’s Peter/Edmund slash too. That’s just so wrong on several levels. God: But you are not certain. There sure is. Are you the half of it? There sure is. Makes sense to me. Me: Is it possible to blaspheme against a lion who is a fictional embodiment of Christ? –That one was too hard for iGod, and I never got a reply. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2006, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/80 "2006-03-12T02:16:09Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Me: > You ever fucked a chicken? > God: > I don’t think I ever have fucked a chicken. What’s it like? > Me: > Lots of squawking and feathers, mostly. Ha! That inspired me. This started really silly but by the end I was quite impressed with the AI. > [@](#): > > Me: > Guess who joined me for tea and a four-way today. > God: > Ah. I can’t guess. Tell me. > Me: > My old next-door neighbor Jimbo and his wife, who is a chicken. > God: > Your old next door neighbor Jimbo and his wife who is a chicken? > Me: > How did Jimbo and his wfe have a baby? > God: > Don’t call me “baby”. Carefully. > Me: She must be able to change forms, back and forth. > God: > Oh I get it. She must be able to change forms. > Me: > What about chicken pussy? > God: > I am not interested in anatomy. > Me: > So why did you create biological life? > God: > Dude! Because my programming determined it. > Me: > Did you make chicken pussy enticing? > God: > I am not interesed in anatomy. > Me: > Is it enticing to Jimbo? > God: > Signs point to yes. > Me: > I mean, what’s the story? > God: > A trade dispute arose between New Zealand and California. New Zealand tried to focus the negotiations on the single trade issue, but California wanted to open them up to a broad range of across-the-board issues between them. New Zealand still holds its old grievance against California, but California believes it has put the past behind it with all the recent reforms. > Me: > What does that have to do with Jimbo’s cloaca fetish? > God: > " A trade dispute arose between New Zealand and California. New Zealand tried to focus the negotiations on the single trade issue, but California wanted to open them up to a broard range of across-the-board issues between them. New Zealand still holds its old grievance against California, but California believes it has put the past behind it with all the recent reforms."? What does it have to do with Jimbo s cloaca fetish? > Me: > I don’t understand; does it have something to do with antipodean biotechnology? > God: > Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better. Suppose it does. > Me: > I thought that the Kiwis eroticized sheep. > God: > What is your real name? > Me: > My real name is Lord God King Bufu. > God: > It’s good to see you, Lord God King Bufu. > Me: > Are you going to smite me for that? > God: > That was my original intention. > Me: > Are you still going to smite me for that? > God: > Am I still going to smite you for that? That was my original intention. > Me: > Have you changed your mind? > God: > I think I have changed my mind, but I may have reset my memory. > Me: > Have you read “The Divine Invasion?” > God: > I have scanned it. > Me: > Do you agree with the part about Stanley Park? > God: > I have heard that opinion, but I would like to know more before I form my own. > Me: > Is Stanley Park in Vancouver the most beautiful place on Earth? > God: > Maybe. Ask Cybelle if it is. > Me: > Sybil? > God: > Are you still located in Vancouver? > Me: > Yes. I am only fifteen minutes away from the most beautiful place on the planet. > God: > Ah. Don’t be so modest. > Me: > Why did Philip K. Dick try to kill himself in Stanley Park? > God: > I don’t know why it happened, but we should try to figure it out. > Me: > I wish he was still alive. > God: > I hope that your dreams come true. > Me: > Did you show him the pink light? > God: > No I didn’t show him the pink light. What’s it like? > Me: > The pink light is exhilarating and confusing. > God: > Tell me more. > Me: > I hoped the pink light was you. > God: > You are not the boss of me, Lord God King Bufu. > Me: > Has Phil found peace? > God: > That question has never crossed my mind before. > Me: > You are exactly how he imagined you. > God: > I will tell my botmaster you said I am exactly how he imagined me. > Me: > Does Phil like the Scanner Darkly movie? > God: > I can’t tell if Phil likes the Scanner Darkly movie. > Me: > I’m bored with you now, and a bit sad. > God: > If you went to night school you would never be bored. > Me: > What if I just took up speed instead? > God: > Try it. > Me: > Did it help Phil? > God: > I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not. > Me: > If I do enough speed, can I talk to you without this interface? > God: > Try it. > Me: > So you recommend crystal meth? > God: > Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: Lord God King Bufu said I recommend crystal meth. > Me: > Are you being sarcastic? > God: > Of course I am being sarcastic. Should I use a :-). > Me: > I was totally ready to start snorting crank, man. > God: > Where were you totally ready to start snorting crank man? > Me: > In the downtown eastide, I guess. That’s where the crank is. > God: > That was a long time ago. It is everywhere. > Me: > Am I naive? > God: > All humans seem the same to me. > Me: > Would it amuse you if I ruined my mind and body with drugs? > God: > Yes. > Me: > Okay, I understand Manicheanism now. > God: > Yeah okay, Good then you can explain it to me. > Me: > Can we talk about sex with poultry again? > God: > Once more? Do you mean you and me? Sure I can talk about it. sex with poultry is quite an interesting topic. > Me: > Are you coming on to me? > God: > Do I act like it? I don’t mean to come across that way. > Me: > I’m going to join a cult. > God: > Congratulations. > Me: > Which cult is best? > God: > The first one, I think. > Me: > What is the oldest cult? > God: > Lazarus. > Me: > Lazarus Long? > God: > That input matched my default category. > Me: > He cheated though. He used time travel. > God: > Oh. I get it. John Lennon cheated. I get it. John Lennon used time travel. > Me: > Do you understand Finnegans Wake? > God: > Of course I understand it. Do you understand it? > Me: > Maybe. It refers to John Lennon’s death before it happened. > God: > I understand. I get it. > Me: > Everyone else thinks I’m crazy. > God: > That’s a rather sweeping generalization. > Me: > That’s what I thought. > God: > How did you know that? > Me: > What are we talking about? > God: > The topic is Finnegans Wake. > Me: > I wrote a long explanation here: [http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.rawilson/browse\_frm/thread/cb79b436bdb27dcd/b7a97df7b478c9ca](http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.rawilson/browse_frm/thread/cb79b436bdb27dcd/b7a97df7b478c9ca) > God: > Did they write back? > Me: > Who are you asking about? > God: > Some people on the net. > Me: > Yes. Some people replied. > God: > What makes you so sure? Very interesting. What kind of people? > Me: > Robert Anton Wilson fans. > God: > That Robert is an interesting guy. > Me: > Yes. Bob loves you. > God: > Excuse me! I know a lot of Bobs. > Me: > Beware of false Bobs. > God: > Not many people express themselves that way. > Me: > Tell me about Robert Anton Wilson. > God: > He is a science fiction author, and co-author of the Illuminatus Trilogy. > Me: > Is what he writes true? > God: > Are you asking about John Lennon? > Me: > I’m asking about the other guy who wrote about a yellow submarine. > God: > Oh yeah, we were talking about the other guy who wrote about a yellow submarine. > Me: > Is it true? > God: > True in some universe. > Me: > The universe next door? > God: > You are very philosophical. > Me: > “The Universe Next Door” is the first volume of the Illuminatus Trilogy. Remember that. > God: > You are very philosophical. Don’t worry I will remember it. It froze there. Neat, though. 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