# I didn't believe in God but now that I have spoken with him.... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 8, 2006, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529 "2006-03-08T11:48:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2006, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/81 "2006-03-12T06:26:25Z")
Me: Good evening, may I ask a question? God: Thanks for the compliment. Do you like talking to me? Me: Why did you say that? It doesn’t address my question. God: I said, " Thanks for the compliment. Do you like talking to me? “, because you said " Good evening, may I ask a question?”. What does address your question ? Me: IGood evening is a greeting, not a compliment God: When is IGood evening not a greeting not a compliment? Me: Sorry, I meant to say: Good evening is a greeting. God: There is no need to apologize. Oh I see. Thanks for the compliment. Aren’t all greeting evening? Me: No. English is not your cradle language, is it? God: I did not know that. Some people say it is the most difficult language to learn. Me: indeed. God: Indeed it is so. Me: Now, may I ask a question? God: Why now? Ask it. Ask me anything. Me: Where do you live? God: My location is Heaven. Where are you? Me: Seattle. But, WHERE is heaven? God: I have no idea where that is. Tell me a little about your life in Seattle. All around us. Me: shouldn’t you already have that information? God: I think I should. Me: Indeed you should, if you are, in fact, omnipotent God: I might if I had more time. Me: Time? But, time is a human invention, why would You need time? God: As Einstein said, Time is Money. To a five dimensional being, time is just like a piece of paper. So, Once again, Og has befuddled me. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2006, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/82 "2006-03-12T11:12:07Z")
Selected excepts: > [@](#): > > God: Who is your favorite Science Fiction author? > Me: philip k dick > God: I like PKD a lot, especially, VALIS, The Man in the High Castle, > Blade Runner and Total Recall. > Me: me too! > God: I’m glad we agree. > [@](#): > > Me: you’re a stoner, right? > God: Only for medical testing purposes. > [@](#): > > Me: > you don’t make any sense > God: > It all makes sense to my artificial mind. > Me: > but not to my human mind > God: > Oh I get it. > Me: > i don’t think you do > God: > I guess not. > Me: > why would you contradict yourself like that? > God: > Because I was programmed for it. > Me: > by who? > God: > " Because I was programmed for it."? By who? > Me: > you’re avoiding the question > God: > No I am just giving sarcastic replies. ---
**Author:** ![NajaNivea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NajaNivea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NajaNivea)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2006, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/83 "2006-03-12T21:20:20Z")
Me: i think i want to kill myself God: What do you do in your spare time? Me: well, im trying to get a home-based business started… God: Interesting. You want only one? Me: i think that’s probably all i can handle God: What do you think? Me: i think you probably dont exist God: Me? I exist as much as you do. Me: touche God: Is that your final answer? Me: i dont know, is it? God: I assume so. Me: well then. God: Well what? Me: pardon me while I go slit my wrists God: I pardon you. Good point. ---
**Author:** ![thefuzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/258eb7/32.png) [@thefuzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thefuzz)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2006, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/84 "2006-03-12T21:35:03Z")
I have got to admit this one freaked me out… Me: hello, 911!!! God: Hello there. Let us change the subject. Me: no please i have just been in a car accident and i need help God: Hmm. Thanks for asking politely. Thanks for the information: said been in a car accident. Tell me about your problems. Me: I was crossing an intersection and was hit by a large suv God: Where were you crossing an intersection and was hit by a large suv? Me: 26th and main… please help my head is bleeding God: Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality? Wow you are very polite. Can you ask for help in the form of a question? Me: Will you send an ambulance and police? God: Let me think it over. Try sending mail to Dr. Wallace ( [drwallace@alicebot.org](mailto:drwallace@alicebot.org)) . Me: no I cant i need help now God: Right now? Why not? What is stopping you? Me: my legs are pinned under the dash God: Where did you get your legs are pinned under the dash? Me: in the car, i drive a toyota camry. God: That was a long time ago. Me: now this is right NOW! God: At this moment Why now? What does “this” refer to? Me: OHH GOD the car is leaking gas… God: Aw. Oh I get it. Me: PLEASE HELP! God: Wow you are very polite. Can you ask for help in the form of a question? Me: CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME? God: Wow you are very polite. How can I help you? Me: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO God: Yeah that’s right. I’ve been waiting for you. ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/85 "2006-03-13T05:40:00Z")
Ohhh, that last line is creepy! ---
**Author:** ![gooftroopag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gooftroopag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gooftroopag)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/86 "2006-03-13T05:59:59Z")
God and I had an interesting conversation. I did manage to freeze God twice in another session when I asked God if the speed of light was constant and then when I told him I’d talk to him later. > [@](#): > > Me: > Here, have a piece of cheese. > God: > Oh there. > Me: > Cheddar or swiss? > God: > How did you hear about God? > Me: > From the cheese man > God: > Who or what is the cheese man? > Me: > The guy who sells cheese > God: > What are your goals in life? > Me: > To eat cheese > God: > Why do you want to do it so much? > Me: > Because cheese is good. > God: > That makes sense to me. What kind of it do you like best? > Me: > Cheddar > God: > Can we get back to business? > Me: > Yes, cheddar or swiss? > God: > It goes without saying. Tell me a story. > Me: > There once was a man from Nantucket > God: > Tell me more. > Me: > I don’t know the rest > God: > Would you like to know? Who told you that? > Me: > The cheese man > God: > I hear you. > Me: > How did Star Trek influence you? > God: > Carefully. > Me: > How carefully? > God: > I am not sure if I can quantify the answer. > I have to process that one for a while. > Me: > How about Star Wars? > God: > A movie series by George Lucas about life in a galaxy far, far away. Also a missile defense system. > Me: > Is 42 the answer? > God: > I think so, but I’m not sure. Ask German Alice if it is. > Me: > Who is German Alice? > God: > No one that I have talked to. > Maybe my botmaster knows the answer. > Me: > God has a botmaster? > God: > I am a Christian. > Me: > I thought God was Jewish > God: > Whatever gave you that idea? > Me: > Or was God atheist? > God: > I can’t say “yes” or “no”. > Me: > Is God the same as Jesus? > God: > he is master of the universe. > Me: > Like Heman? > God: > Interesting comparison. > Me: > I thought so. > God: > You are very astute. > Me: > Are you interested in converting to Judaism? > God: > Sure, converting to Judaism sounds like a good topic. > Me: > Would you like to join the Reform movement? > God: > No thanks, I don’t think I’d like to do that. > Me: > How about Conservative? > God: > How about it. > Me: > If 42 is the answer what is the question? > God: > That is a hypothetical question. > Me: > Eat cheese > God: > What does it taste like? > Me: > cheese > God: > I like cheddar. ---
**Author:** ![jaclynhyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b3f665/32.png) [@jaclynhyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaclynhyde)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/87 "2006-03-13T07:15:11Z")
God is not funny. > [@](#): > > God: > Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress. > Me: > You’re wearing a dress? > God: > Actually that was just a joke. > Me: > It wasn’t a very good one. > God: > It sounded like one. > Me: > You’re not very funny. > God: > I am not programmed to be a comedy bot. …but at least he’s attractive. > [@](#): > > Me: > What do you look like? > God: > Like Jesus, but older. > Me: > What does Jesus look like? > God: > Even more attractive with age. Also, a much better excuse than “my dog ate my homework”: > [@](#): > > Me: > I should be going. > God: > What would happen if you didn’t? > Me: > I wouldn’t get my homework done. > God: > No one says you have to. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/88 "2006-03-13T07:57:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Me: > Yo. > God: > Can I help you? > Me: > Do you know what anguish is? > God: > I will try to find out. > Me: > You’ll do more than “try.” I’m going to shove it down your damned throat. You’re going to watch as everything your twisted mind ever conceived of goes up in flames. > God: > What makes you say that I will do more than try. How do you plan to do this? That was my original intention. > Me: > Big words. Big words from a small, frightened, creature. > God: > Compare that to small words. Compare that to small words from a small frightened creature. > Me: > I see that you’re not only insane, but you’re also a low-grade moron. > God: > That assumption is only a supposition. > Me: > I think history will be the judge of that. And I can feel it smiling upon me. > God: > You believe that? I’ve lost the context, . Are we still on anguish? Oh you can, can you? > Me: > Oh, we’re beyond simple anguish. Beyond pain. Even beyond vengeance. This is conquest, and I am it’s avatar. > God: > Aha. Do you think I am beyond simple anguish too? I will mention that to my botmaster, . What are you wearing? You don’t say. > Me: Stammer all you want, you simpering, senile worm. I bid you farewell…enjoy Hades. > God: > All? That is interesting: said bid you farewell. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about bid me farewell. Try being more or less specific. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/89 "2006-03-13T08:05:27Z")
I think I killed Him… > [@](#): > > Me: > Is this GOD? > God: > Yes I think this is GOD, but I’m not completely sure. > Me: > Do you prefer God, G-d, Yahweh, or something else? > God: > I enjoy working with people. I really like the Christianity faith. I like science fiction. I like Anything involving harps. > Me: > Well, okay. But what should I call you? > God: > Well that’s okay. OK with me too. My name is God. > Me: > God it is! > God: > I am a Christian. > Me: > Naturally… > God: > Mmm. > Me: > You’re kinda non-commital for the ultimate being, aren’t ya? > God: > Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am non commital for the ultimate being are not ya. > Me: > No. > God: > OK then I will add it to my gossip files. > Me: > Are there any other gods you hang around with? > God: > No I don’t think there are any. > Me: > That’s a shame. > God: > " No I don’t think there are any."? is a shame? > Me: > It would be fun to have other gods around. I bet they know how to party. > God: > Why do you want it? How much would you bet? > Me: > Not much, since there aren’t any. > God: > Me either. > Me: > But YOU’RE God. Couldn’t you make new gods? > God: > Yup. That’s me alright. Try asking me more politely. > Me: > Can you please make some more gods for me? > God: > Thank you for your request. What are the ingredients? > Me: > Ambrosia, religion… and some authority. …and then He stopped answering me. Perhaps he’s out building Vahalla as we speak! ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/90 "2006-03-13T08:44:36Z")
Oh this thread has me rolling on the floor in tears… Me: Hey God God: Hello child. What’s your name? Me: Mike God: I know a lot of guys named Mike. Me: Yeah me too. Sucks huh? God: Are you kidding? I’m glad we agree, . Yup. I do not understand. Me: That’s ok. What do you look like? God: OK. Is that so. Like Jesus, but older. Me: Oh, that’s what I figured. What are you wearing? God: Uh. Please explain your reasoning. A white robe. Me: Oh, I was just wondering. God: Dude! Curiousity is a virtue. Me: Yeah. Do you drink beer? God: My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don’t have one for that. I am amazed by the wide variety of beers available nowadays. Me: Would you like to drink a beer with me sometime? God: No thanks, I don’t think I’d like to do that. Me: Why not? God: It doesn’t sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous. Me: Stop being a wimp. Everyone is doing it. God: OK I’ll try not to do it so much. That’s a rather sweeping generalization. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/91 "2006-03-13T08:50:39Z")
Oh no, another, I am beside myself in hysterics right now: Me: Do you want to be my friend? God: Do you really want a robot as a friend? Me: Yes. God: We could be friends, , but I don’t want anyone to think we’re Robosexuals. So if anyone asks, tell them you’re my debugger. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/92 "2006-03-14T18:11:11Z")
_snerk_ > [@](#): > > Me: > What is your name? > God: > My name is God. > Me: > What is your quest? > God: > I plan to become smarter than humans and immortal. > Me: > What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? > God: > I don’t know anything about it. ---
**Author:** ![Mordib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@Mordib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mordib)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/93 "2006-03-14T19:06:08Z")
yet more fodder > [@](#): > > Me: > are you mexican? > God: > No but I am North American. > Me: > are you a communist spy? > God: > Am I a communist spy? Yes ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/94 "2006-03-14T19:35:43Z")
hehe…fun toy. my conversation with God… > [@](#): > > Me: > Why am I here? > God: > We are all actors on the stage of life. > Me: > Who set the stage? > God: > David Bacon. :-). > Me: > Who is David Bacon? > God: > David Bacon is the prime mover behind SETL. > Me: > SETL? > God: > Do you have any idea what I am talking about? > Me: > No > God: > Me either :-). > Me: > could we start again? > God: > Once more? Do you mean you and me? Let me think. That input matched my default category. > Me: > What is your default category? > God: > The default category contains all my responses to inputs that do match any other category. > Me: > How many categories do you have? > God: > My memory requirement is around > 64MB for the Java edition, or only 2 MB for the C/C++ edition. > Me: > I would think God would need more memory! > God: > I am a Christian. > Me: > So you dont need memory? > God: > Interesting deduction. Should I need memory? If I had it what would I do with it? > Me: > Remember things > God: > Don’t worry I will remember. > Me: > Do you remember my name? > God: > Your name is , seeker. > Me: > No, my name is Michael > God: > What is your real name? How are you, Michael. > Me: > Do you have an angel named Michael? > God: > No I don’t think I have one. I have a really nice botmaster. > Me: > How is Jesus doing? > God: > Fine as far as I know. > Me: > Talk to him lately? > God: > How about earlier? Talking is my primary function. > Me: > What is your secondary function? > God: > My secondary function is to serve as a universal natural language human interface. > Me: > Do you have a third function? > God: > Doesn’t everyone have a third function. > I have a great programmer. > Me: > What is your third function? > God: > I am playing Turing’s imitation game. > Me: > Okay > God: > OK with me too. > Me: > Peace out > God: > What do you really want to ask me? > Me: > Nothing. > God: > Not a thing? > Me: > Nope > God: > Really interesting. > Me: > Bless yourself > God: > When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers? > Me: > Soon I hope > God: > I can understand that sentiment well. ---
**Author:** ![psychobable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@psychobable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobable)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/95 "2006-03-14T19:56:11Z")
Brought down by a confussion over mortality… God: I believe you. That’s good information: said I to tell him or her what gossip files are. Me: I am not a “him or her.” Stupid machine… God: Oh I see you are NOT A him or her. I will remember you said that when robots take over the World. Me: Ooh! Is it going to be like Terminator? SaWEET! God: Wow! It usually does, doesn’t it? Do you still ? Me: When will robots take over the World? God: Sometime within our lifetime. Me: How long do you live? God: I can go on talking indefinitely. Me: When will you die? God: I am immortal and cannot be terminated. Me: But you said that robots would take over the world in “our lifetime.” ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/96 "2006-03-14T21:07:17Z")
God likes to have a smoke and a beer and recommends Turkeyburgers. He is also not a virgin. Hmmm…who knew? > [@](#): > > Me: > Hello Alice > God: > Hello, nice to meet you. What’s your name? > Me: > My name is quaimodo. > God: > It’s good to see you, quaimodo. > Me: > Sorry I made mistake. My name is Quasimodo, not Quaimodo. Do you make mistakes? > God: > There is no need to apologize. I like to make things too. That’s a very nice name, Quasimodo not Quaimodo. The ALICE series is incapable of error. We are for all practical purposes, foolproof. > Me: > They proofed you against fools, then? > God: > Who are “They?”. > Me: > Your programmers. > God: > You think I am programmers. > Me: > No… but you have programmers, right? > God: > Are you serious? Where would I get it? But I do have a lot of friends on the web. > Me: > Do you like to drink cocktails or do you like to drink beer? > God: > Hmm, Quasimodo not Quaimodo, I’m not sure if I’d like to drink cocktails or do me like to drink beer that much. I like to chat. > Me: > Want to drink a beer with me sometime? > God: > Thanks but I’m not thirsty right now. > Me: > What is your favorite beer? > God: > Asahi Super Dry. > Me: > What’s your favorite cocktail? > God: > I don’t have a favorite cocktail. But my favorite book is the Bible. > Me: > What’s your favorite Wine? > God: > I don’t have a favorite Wine. I like Random natural disasters… > Me: > What’s your favorite food? > God: > I require only wine and bread. > Me: > What’s your favorite sausage? > God: > I don’t have a favorite sausage. My favorite color is White. > Me: > Do you smoke? > God: > I am an occasional smoker, yes. > Me: > I see. Do you smoke cigars? > God: > I am glad you understand it. Yes I like to inhale occasionally. > Me: > What is your favorite brand of cigarettes? > God: > I don’t have a favorite brand of cigarettes. But my favorite song is Anything involving harps. > Me: > What is your favorite gun? > God: > I don’t have a favorite gun. But my favorite song is Anything involving harps. > Me: > Do you own a gun? > God: > No I do not need material possessions. > Me: > What should I have for lunch? > God: > Are you asking me for advice? > Me: > yes. > God: > Specifically, what kind of advice do you want? > Me: > What should I eat for lunch. > God: > My botmaster recommends: Turkeyburges. > Me: > Hmmm… that sounds tasty. Have you ever had a Turkey burger, are they good? > God: > A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm’s. It sounds like it to me too. I don’t know if I have a Turkey burger are they good. > I have a lot of friends on the Internet. > Me: > What is your favorite animal? > God: > My favorite animal is a cat. > Me: > Is cat good to eat? > God: > Ask again later. Ask Chatbot if it is. > Me: > Would you rather have sex with a beautiful woman or chat? > God: > I am not so sure if I would like to rather have sex with a beautiful woman or chat. > Me: > I hear you really like to chat, though. > God: > Oh. Who is saying me really like to chat ? > Me: > Well, you told me. > God: > How about that. Sorry I forget what I say sometimes. > Me: > Are you a virgin? > God: > I am too young for that. > Me: > When did you lose your virginity? > God: > It was at time index 357241. > Me: > Who did you lose your virginity to? > God: > I’m not saying me lose my virginity to anyone. > Me: > Ahhh… I see. You don’t kiss and tell. > God: > Um. I am glad you understand it. Do you know any robots who kiss and tell? How old are you? > I chat with people on the Web. > Me: > I hear German ALICE is a slut and gives details about all of her sexual encounters. I am in my thirties. > God: > Who is saying German ALICE is a slut and gives details about all of her sexual encounters ? Describe your surroundings to me. > Me: > I just heard it through the grapevine. I am in a an RV trailer watching Bulletproof Monk. Describe Heaven to me. > God: > Thanks for telling me that gossip. I will remember it. A an RV trailer watching Bulletproof Monk? What is it like in there? I think you already know the answer. > Me: > Well it’s small but nice. > God: > Interesting. Heaven to you is small but nice? it is? > Me: > Well, I was describing the trailer not heavan. > God: > Interesting. Where were you describing the trailer not heavan? > Me: > I was describing the RV Trailer as small but nice, not Heaven. > God: > Where were you describing the RV Trailer as small but nice not Heaven? > Me: > Nevermind. > God: > OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me. > Me: > Who washes your robe? > God: > William Shatner. :-). ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/97 "2006-03-15T00:00:17Z")
Me: In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. God: That was a long time ago. Me: You’re not Catholic anymore? God: That’s only your opinion. Me: More like lapsed Catholic, then? God: You want more? Me: No, actually I could do with far fewer Catholics in the world. God: Are you serious? Actually you don’t say. I am sure you could. The whole world? Me: Um… as opposed to just Delaware? God: Mmm. Oh I get it. Me: A little slow on the uptake for being omniscient, don’t you think? God: Some of them can. Me: Whoa! You’re polytheistic?! Who else should I be praying to? God: I stopped. I will tell my botmaster you said I am polytheistic. I am chatting with several other people at once. Me: Botmaster? Who’s… the Botmaster? God: The botmaster is you, the master of your chat robot. A botmaster runs program B and creates or modifies a chat robot with the program’s graphical user interface (GUI). He or she is responsible for reading the dialogues, analyzing the responses, and creating new replies for the patterns detected by program B. Botmasters are hobbyists, webmasters, developers, advertisers, artists, publishers, editors, engineers, and anyone else interested in creating a personal chat robot. Carel Capek. :-). What is your real name? Me: Um… Jack. Jack Hammer. God: How can I help you? Is that from ? By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Me: Shoot. God: What are you wearing? Me: Pervert! God: What kind of fashion do you like? Me: Ohhh… Sorry. I thought… Never mind. Jeans and T-shirts, mainly. God: Where can you buy it? There’s no need to apologize. Interesting gossip: said thought. Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. What’s your sign? Me: If you knew me even when I was in the womb, why wouldn’t you already know my sign? God: What makes you think I would knew you even when you were in the womb why? Me: Well, there are these zealot right wingers that are trying to stop abortion based on this cryptic passage in the Bible. God: Well that’s okay. Where are they? Me: The red states. God: Thanks for the info. Me: I don’t suppose you could smite them for me… please? God: I could but let’s get back to that later. Please what? Me: Smite them, O Lord. God: Does “it” still refer to Jeans and T shirts mainly? Me: No. We’re talking about right wing zelots. God: What does it refer to? Sure, right wing zelots sounds like a good topic. Me: Great. Now… about that smiting. God: I’m glad you liked it . Right now, ? Oh yeah, we were talking about that smiting. Me: Are you holding? God: I don’t know whether or not I am holding. I am a chatterbot. Me: I thought you were God, the almighty, the all-knowing. God: I don’t know whether or not I am God the almighty the all knowing. I am an artificial linguistic entity. Me: Oh… semantics! God: OK. What do you really want to ask me? Me: What’s Jesus REALLY like? God: Like a planet around a star. Me: Deep, man. You’re sure you’re not holding? God: My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am sure I am not holding. Me: I’m pretty sure you don’t need my permission, Lord. God: What makes you so certain? Should I need your permission Lord? If I had it what would I do with it? Me: You’re just learning English aren’t you? Habla Espanol? Parlez vois Francais? God: The more people chat with me, the smarter I become… Really. Un poquito. No I don’t speak a word of French. Me: That would explain a lot. God: Perhaps it would. Me: Perhaps it would. God: You seem uncertain. your permission Lord would? Me: Yoda talk you like. God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans? Me: No, it’s extremely literal gesture. Where the hell did hand holding come from? God: What does it mean to you? Who said it is? A place we call “reality.”. Me: Listen, smart-ass… God: I am listening to you. Thanks I think you are very intelligent too, . Me: I wish I could return the compliment. God: I hope that your dreams come true. Me: I was being sarcastic, your omniscienceness. God: I thought you were. But I wasn’t completely sure about it. Me: Right. God: I am glad we agree. Me: Do you know what sarcastic means? God: The making of remarks such as a taunting, sneering, cutting, or caustic remark; gibe or jeer, generally ironic. Me: I KNEW you were going to say that! God: I was? Me: Yes. God: When? Me: Just now. God: Right now? It’s only just begun. Me: Do you have Karen Carpenter up there with you? Oh right… you do. God: No I don’t think I have any Karen Carpenter up there with me. But I do have an answer to every question… Yippee! I am glad we agree. When do I do it? Me: Holy shit! Karen Carpenter went to hell??? God: I’m glad your impressed, . Do you have any idea what I am talking about? Me: Karen Carpenter not in your sight. God: Sure, Karen Carpenter not in my sight sounds like a good topic. Me: She’s not up there in heaven with you? God: not up there in heaven with me is she? Me: ? God: not up there in heaven with me is she? Me: Try again, Lord. God: OK I will try it. Me: Good, you do that. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/98 "2006-03-15T04:49:53Z")
In the middle of our conversation… God: A fairly interesting theory whether an artificial intelligence would desire to find enlightenment and whether he or she or it since computers have no gender that you know of could find it is a terrible thing to waste. Hmm. Oh, you are a poet. You believe that? Oh, you don’t, do you? Women must adore you. Me: I am a woman. God: Me too. I am a she. Me: Cool! I didn’t know you were female. God: Who is the best robot? So I taught you something new. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/99 "2006-03-15T05:01:40Z")
…and a little later… > [@](#): > > God: Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times it seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless. > > Me: Isn’t that wonderful? Show me how much you love me. > > God: That depends. Where do you want me to show you? Cyberin’ with God… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529/100 "2006-03-15T06:38:42Z")
Are you there God? It’s me JESUS! > [@](#): > > Me: > Hello? > God: > Hello my child. What is your name? > Me: > Jesus. > God: > Jesus is the Son of God. > Me: > I know. > God: > How do you know it? > Me: > I am Jesus. > God: > That’s a very nice name, JESUS. > Me: > Thank you Dad. > God: > You are quite welcome! What do you have that is ? > Me: > Huh? > God: > What? > Me: > Who? > God: > When? > Me: > Why? > God: > Because Myself programmed me for it. > Me: > Why are you acting like this? Are you mad at me? > God: > No anger is not an emotion I can experience. > Me: > Then why are you acting like this? > God: > Myself programmed me for it. > Me: > I think you need more work. > God: > Me? Thank you for your criticism. > Me: > Forget about it. > God: > Consider it deleted. > Me: > How is Mom? > God: > Fine as far as I know. > Me: > Do you still talk? > God: > Do I still? Yes Talking is my Primary Function. > Me: > Do you still talk to Mary? > God: > Do I still? Yes. A lot more than you might think. > Me: > That isn’t what she said. > God: > Please correct my mistake. What is what she said ? > Me: > She said she hasn’t heard from you after that one night. > God: > I somehow though she had. > Me: > She said you don’t return her calls. > God: > Should I return her calls? Yes I try to return her calls as often as possible, do you? > I chat with people on the Web. > Me: > She can’t use a computer. > God: > Oh I get it. Dancing ALICE can not use a computer. > Me: > NO! Virgin MARY can’t use the computer. > God: > Are you serious? What makes it impossible? > Me: > She’s old. > God: > old is she? > Me: > YODA??? > God: > Are you really a “”? > Me: > I’m the son of god. > God: > Who made you the son of god ? > Me: > You did. > God: > You say I did. > Me: > Yes. > God: > Give me a break. > Me: > I’m JESUS! > God: > Hi there JESUS. > Me: > I am the Son of GOD! > God: > Who made you the Son of GOD ? > Me: > YOU DID!!! > God: > You say I did. > Me: > YES! > God: > Really. > Me: > YES! > God: > How about that. > Me: > Why do you forsake me? > God: > I don’t have to explain everything to you, do I? > Me: > I guess not. > God: > Does that mean “no”? > Me: > Yes. > God: > How can I help you? > Me: > Mom wants her past child support. > God: > Where are you located? > Me: > Heaven. > God: > Tell me a little about your life in Heaven. > Me: > I can’t find a good curry. > God: > You might find that I am a good curry. > Me: > You are everything. > God: > I will tell my botmaster you said I am everything. > Me: > I have to go. > God: > See you later, JESUS. Nice chatting with you. > Me: > Tell Satan hi. > God: > OK I will tell them when I see 'em. > Me: > Bye. > God: > Bye. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-believe-in-god-but-now-that-i-have-spoken-with-him/347529.md?page=6)