# "I didn't lie! YOU did, and you're just forgetting that you are!" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 26, 2007, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499 "2007-01-26T01:08:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![nongoog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@nongoog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nongoog)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/61 "2007-01-26T13:13:22Z")
[QUOTE=pseudotriton ruber ruber] There are several things going on here that don’t quite add up. Maybe there are good explanations, but I’d like some clarity: 1. You say he’s “outspokenly anti-porn”–This alone would indicate someone who’s not telling the truth. Guys like porn. Some guys obsess over it, some guys are just okay with it, some guys like it but because of some political bullshit find it expedient to mantain that they don’t, but very, very few guys are “outspokenly anti-porn,” and very, very few of those had recently (you say a few years ago) surfed websites that feature porn while ignoring the porn. He’s almost certainly lying about the porn, which should tell you if he’s being honest with you in general, but by pretending to be “anti-porn,” he’s also exposing himself as a giant hypocrite (to people other than you). [/QUOTE] I dunno, it’s just his thing. He also says he never masturbates, at all. I’ve brought this up numerous times, because I’m a big fan of porn and I masturbate all the time. > [@](#): > > 1. I’m still unclear on the “women trolling for sex” ads. What you describe sounds unlike any personal ads I’ve ever seen, legitimate ads by women looking for relationships (this is were you say you met this guy, right?) running alongside phony “Come fuck me NOW!!!” ads with slutty pictures attached? Why does this sound so foreign to my experience as well as contrary to reason? Why would a woman place a legit ad on such a site if the phony slut-jobs are so prevalent? Getting back to point 1), what kind of anti-porn guy would cruise such a site to find a girlfriend, as you say he did to find you? Could you give some more background here? Both of these points don’t quite add up for me. [/QUOTE] Basically the setup is similar to craigslist, where there’s a forum for “dating” posts and a forum for “hookup” posts. The “dating” section is where we met. There are some legitimate “hookup” posts, but many are obviously hookers posting ads with nude pictures of themselves so clueless men reply, thinking they’re actual women, and then get barraged with enticements to pay to see them on a website or to hire them for a night. I know it seems absurd that I’d still be dating this guy but… this is my first real relationship, so I always feel like I don’t know what I should be compromising about, and what I should be putting my foot down over. It’s not about selling my pride for money, even if he couldn’t rub two dimes together I’d still want to be with him, we’re together a lot and there is a lot of mental and personal compatibility… just, every once in a while, something like this comes up, and it’s incomprehensible, and then things ease back into normalcy and I forget about it. It’s not like this is a day-to-day incident. We haven’t had an argument in 6 months. The Christmas thing, and then I noticed this stuff over New Years, so it’s all very recent. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/62 "2007-01-26T13:19:26Z")
[QUOTE=nongoog] I dunno, it’s just his thing. He also says he never masturbates, at all. I’ve brought this up numerous times, because I’m a big fan of porn and I masturbate all the time. … It’s not like this is a day-to-day incident. We haven’t had an argument in 6 months. The Christmas thing, and then I noticed this stuff over New Years, so it’s all very recent. [/QUOTE] His “thing” is lying about things essential to his nature. He never masturbates? BZZZZ-WRONG!! He does, but that’s okay–the troubling part is that he denies it to you AND YOU CHOOSE TO LET HIS LIE STAND. Same thing witih the porn. You don’t have arguments because he lies right to your face and you accept it. What kind of a relationship is that? ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/63 "2007-01-26T13:33:42Z")
[QUOTE=nongoog] \ I know it seems absurd that I’d still be dating this guy but… **this is my first real relationship** , so I always feel like I don’t know what I should be compromising about, and what I should be putting my foot down over. It’s not about selling my pride for money, even if he couldn’t rub two dimes together I’d still want to be with him, we’re together a lot and there is a lot of mental and personal compatibility… just, every once in a while, something like this comes up, and it’s incomprehensible, and then things ease back into normalcy and I forget about it. It’s not like this is a day-to-day incident. We haven’t had an argument in 6 months. The Christmas thing, and then I noticed this stuff over New Years, so it’s all very recent. [/QUOTE] Let go of this romantic dream. That isn’t a relationship, he’s using you. Stop letting him. Listen to **Diogenes** , and others who have said things similar, they are right. If you don’t leave this guy, you are going to lose more self esteem become more confused and if you ever manage to get out of the relationship it will take you years to get better from it. This is experience talking to youth here. **RUN!** ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/64 "2007-01-26T13:38:21Z")
Maybe he’s planning on getting you a threesome as a belated Christmas gift. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/65 "2007-01-26T13:41:51Z")
[QUOTE=nongoog] I dunno, it’s just his thing. He also says he never masturbates, at all. I’ve brought this up numerous times, because I’m a big fan of porn and I masturbate all the time. [/QUOTE] Basically the setup is similar to craigslist, where there’s a forum for “dating” posts and a forum for “hookup” posts. The “dating” section is where we met. There are some legitimate “hookup” posts, but many are obviously hookers posting ads with nude pictures of themselves so clueless men reply, thinking they’re actual women, and then get barraged with enticements to pay to see them on a website or to hire them for a night. I know it seems absurd that I’d still be dating this guy but… this is my first real relationship, so I always feel like I don’t know what I should be compromising about, and what I should be putting my foot down over. It’s not about selling my pride for money, even if he couldn’t rub two dimes together I’d still want to be with him, we’re together a lot and there is a lot of mental and personal compatibility… just, every once in a while, something like this comes up, and it’s incomprehensible, and then things ease back into normalcy and I forget about it. It’s not like this is a day-to-day incident. We haven’t had an argument in 6 months. The Christmas thing, and then I noticed this stuff over New Years, so it’s all very recent. [/QUOTE] Oh, that explains a lot. You are 24 and this is your first real relationship - though I’m fairly certain this isn’t your first sexual relationship. I’m 40. I’ve been married a dozen years and married once before that. I dated around, my first ‘serious’ boyfriend at 17 - including dating on very wealthy man and a few that are probably as well off as yours - as well as guys who had a little more ‘potential’ than ‘realized potential’ in the income department (that’s to say, I’ve paid for a date or two in my time). I’m reading that this guy is a user. You should not be compromising about him trolling for dates and lying about it. Moreover - a guy who “hates” porn should not be using a site that features porn - not even if the “porn” and “dating” are seperated. (If he is “indifferent” to porn - ok.) ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/66 "2007-01-26T13:41:59Z")
I have a brother that started lying sort of like that when he hit the teens. He has stopped doing it in this insane way gradully over twenty years. He would stel something of yours and use it in front of everybody. Every kid in our family still blames anything missing on him, although it’s mostly stopped. Here’s one incident I’ll tell, and you can see how fucking wrong this is. I bought black light bulbs in the early 70’s. I kept them in my dresser in the bulb sleeve, when not in use. I go into his bedroom one day and there is my bulb in a lamp and the sleeve is sitting there. I told him that I expected the bulb back. His reponse was to tell me he bought it. I asked him why it had a price sticker from a defunct bussiness from before he was born, that matched the identical one still in my dresser. He insisted that it didn’t. I showed him the price sticker, and said it was right there. He denied that a sticker was on the package a foot from his face, and denied it about three times. I’ve had sales receipts with my information on them including the products serial number, which he insisted he purchased. I don’t know what brain annomoly causes somebody to be like this, but he could not say he stole the shit to save himself from an execution. I have met people like this that do the same for differnet reasons. They can’t admit they are wrong. They have one of those scifi things going on where the robots head explodes in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/67 "2007-01-26T14:21:47Z")
[QUOTE=nongoog] You say he’s obviously villanous, RubyStreak, but that’s not so cut and dry [/quote] I didn’t say he was villainous. You did. You find ways to rebut all attempt to defend him, but whenl someone else says he is a villain, then you defend him. Not good. > [@](#): > > I find it hard to differentiate “insecure defensiveness” with “mind games” and I am young, so I’m asking for help. There is no difference, in effect. If you’re telling the complete truth, then I think you need to leave the guy. I don’t know what else to tell you. That’s the consensus. What else is there for us to say? **featherlou** , take off your Junior Mod hat, OK? Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/68 "2007-01-26T14:28:38Z")
If everything the OP says is true, then she needs to dump the guy. I have my doubts about the veracity of her stories. ---
**Author:** ![NajaNivea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NajaNivea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NajaNivea)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/69 "2007-01-26T14:35:02Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] _Doot-doo-doot-do-do…Pyjamapants…Doot-do-do-do…_ [/QUOTE] _SNERK!_ Okay, now that was funny 😉 ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/70 "2007-01-26T14:40:40Z")
Saying he has proof but not showing it? The OP is dating the President. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/71 "2007-01-26T14:47:34Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] Now, hold on a second, **Rubystreak**. Yes, this is the Dope, and we do hold ourselves to a higher standard in a lot of aspects here, but jumping all over a young girl who doesn’t have all the experience with men that us old broads have isn’t kind. She’s asking for our opinions on situations just like everyone else who posts in the Pit and MPSIMS and IMHO does. There’s nothing wrong with her doing that. And we’re still in IMHO - you’re gonna get yourself warned if you keep this up. [/QUOTE] I’m with **Ruby** on this. Especially after participating in the my “boyfriend + no Christmas present” thread. I only quickly scanned through the “pyjama girl” threads linked to in the BBQ Pit and I’m getting a similar vibe. I’m starting to feel that some of us with good intentions are being led on. Regardless, there is an obvious incompatibility between these two people. Even if the OP seem to work well as a couple, they obviously have very different goals and expectations from their liaison. The OP may not have a lot of dating experience (a “better looking than his last girl” who has never had a “real relationship” before the age of 24? Color me dubious.), but at 24 with adult decision-making capabilities it’s hard to see why she’s still dating the guy. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/72 "2007-01-26T15:29:55Z")
[QUOTE=pseudotriton ruber ruber] 1. You say he’s “outspokenly anti-porn”–This alone would indicate someone who’s not telling the truth. Guys like porn. Some guys obsess over it, some guys are just okay with it, some guys like it but because of some political bullshit find it expedient to mantain that they don’t, but very, very few guys are “outspokenly anti-porn,” and very, very few of those had recently (you say a few years ago) surfed websites that feature porn while ignoring the porn. He’s almost certainly lying about the porn, which should tell you if he’s being honest with you in general, but by pretending to be “anti-porn,” he’s also exposing himself as a giant hypocrite (to people other than you). [/QUOTE] Excuse me, but here I must object. While the evidence is strong that this particular guy is a hypocrite, because we see that he likely is responsible for browsing a porn site, I disagree with your first set of characterizations. There are any number of guys – older, pre-Internet guys – who are fairly described as legitimately anti-porn. This story breaks down on the surfed websites that feature porn while ignoring the porn angle, a statement analgous to one from my generation: “Reading Playboy for the articles.” Your post seems to suggest that almost all guys like porn to some degree, even if some “because of some political bullshit find it expedient to mantain [sic] that they don’t.” That’s where I disagree. I don’t like porn. I’m not the only guy I know who feels this way. Granted, I’m in the minority, but it’s not as extreme a minority as you suggest. Sorry for the hijack. ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_Lurker)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/73 "2007-01-26T15:49:02Z")
Guest + elaborate soap opera story + solicitation of advice = ? ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/74 "2007-01-26T16:08:44Z")
[QUOTE=Bricker] Excuse me, but here I must object…That’s where I disagree. I don’t like porn. I’m not the only guy I know who feels this way. [/QUOTE] Sorry. I was classifying you with “guys who are okay with it.” That is, you know it’s around, you know it’s legal for adults to use erotic materials that other adults don’t care for–but this guy is a crusading “anti-porn” guy, who if he’s shown porn, will get upset and angrily denounce it. Admittedly, I’ve met a few guys for whom this is true (one of my friends at work describes himself like that) but I have problems, especially since my friend at work likes class film and literature that is capable of arousing him–and hence he likes what I would call a certain TYPE of porn, which doesn’t entitle him to demonize the tastes of others. The majority of guys like some type of porn and are okay owning that taste. A minority profess to dislike all porn, but almost all of those are liars. You may be in the minority of the minority who say they dislike every variety of porn and really do–I have no way of knowing. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/75 "2007-01-26T16:14:33Z")
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker] Guest + elaborate soap opera story + solicitation of advice = ? [/QUOTE] Meh. I don’t see anything elaborately soapy about either thread. I think the OP knew the answer to her question before she posted, but I’ve aksed for advice when I’ve already known the answer, too. Mostly when the answer is something I don’t like. ---
**Author:** ![Butterscotch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@Butterscotch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Butterscotch)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/76 "2007-01-26T16:41:34Z")
[QUOTE=nongoog] I find it hard to differentiate “insecure defensiveness” with “mind games” [/QUOTE] In my experience these tend to go hand-in-hand. I think it better not to confront him with any evidence, it sounds to me like he’s spoiling for an argument. In the words of one wiser than me, “Never pick a pi\*\*ing contest with a skunk”. Cut your losses and move on. Soon. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/77 "2007-01-26T16:49:45Z")
**nongoog** , I don’t know what you’re hoping to hear. Whatever his reason was, the fact that he accused you of lying and forgetting about it is nothing more than plain vanilla style abuse. I know you want to be the good egg here and find a way to rationalize it, but it is not going to happen. There is no other way to react to what he said to you than to say “goodbye.” Everything else is noise. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/78 "2007-01-26T16:51:56Z")
Snip.. [QUOTE=nongoog] Okay, so, a couple weeks ago, while **I was fixing the internet** on my boyfriend’s computer, [/QUOTE] I just wanted to thank you for fixing the internet. I wondered why I couldn’t get online a couple of weeks ago. 😉 Oh yeah and dump his ass. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/79 "2007-01-26T17:14:02Z")
I must admit, I’m a bit dubious over the story. Can a 24 year old really be this naive? I wouldn’t have put up with this guy when I was 18! If the story is real, dump his ass. He’s playing mind games and is probably cheating on you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499/80 "2007-01-26T17:36:01Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] **nongoog** , I don’t know what you’re hoping to hear. Whatever his reason was, the fact that he accused you of lying and forgetting about it is nothing more than plain vanilla style abuse. I know you want to be the good egg here and find a way to rationalize it, but it is not going to happen. There is no other way to react to what he said to you than to say “goodbye.” Everything else is noise. [/QUOTE] Heh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-lie-you-did-and-youre-just-forgetting-that-you-are/389499.md?page=5)