# I didn't see this one coming **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2009, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624 "2009-08-25T12:25:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/41 "2009-08-26T03:19:15Z")
I’m sorry, **LouisB**. Take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/42 "2009-08-26T03:35:49Z")
I’m very sorry to hear about this, **LouisB.** You know, the thing that rings the truest for me in all of this thread is the idea of menopausal crazy (if she was not the stablest person in the world to start with). Of course, going to her and suggesting to her that she’s crazy from hormones is probably not your best bet. If her shrink and therapist are carrying her on silk cushions, they aren’t doing her any favours, and they aren’t helping her get better. I think the best advice I could give you now is to protect yourself as much as you can right now, but don’t burn any bridges if this is indeed a crazy spell (and if you think you could take her back if she snapped out of it). ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/43 "2009-08-26T03:38:24Z")
Suck man. Every time I read any of these threads I cannot help but think that you can’t really trust anyone anymore. I mean how do you know? ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/44 "2009-08-26T03:39:24Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > Sorry for not responding; I’ve been out all day. > > She (Unless I slip up, I won’t call her my Darling Marcie anymore) has offered this: The divorce will take place, but if I want to, we can live together as roommates, splitting all costs 50-50. And if the flame rekindles, we might remarry. But should she die, in spite of our marriage status, the house and her savings go to her sister. I’ll go for this deal when pigs sprout wings. > > She is divorcing me, so she says, so that she will no longer have to carry me on her medical insurance; it will give her an extra hundred and fifty bucks to do whatever with. > I didn’t know she could be that venal. And she sticks to that story; that’s the reason pure and simple. I rather suspect that a judge might just smack that down but one never knows. We’ve been together fourteen years and I never saw this side of her. Better late than never, I suppose. I was flabbergasted at the OP to begin with. As others have said, you’ve always referred to your wife in the most loving and respectful terms and seemed to completely cherish (yes, that is the best word) her. But the insurance? And the house is going to her sister??? That is just weird, odd, off the wall. I just have to ask, (and obviously you have every right to ignore the questions!), what was your financial arrangement over the last 14 years? Do you pool your money or have separate accounts? Is the house a joint purchase? Do you both contribute financially to the household? Has money been an ongoing issue between you? I’m sorry to be so nosy, I’m just trying to find some shred of sense in any of it. I’m really sorry you’re so hurt and hope that somehow you can make sense of things and get to a better place. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/45 "2009-08-26T03:42:41Z")
With all this stuff like PTSD, an alcohol problem, and maybe other mental problems too going on, it certainly sounds like this may be the result of some kind of mental breakdown rather than truly just wanting you off her insurance. It may not be anything the therapist said at all, just that she is not in her right mind currently. Personally, if I were you I would try seeing if she is willing to talk to the therapist together and see where it leads. Hope that things work out for you. This definitely is sad and surprising. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/46 "2009-08-26T03:42:58Z")
[QUOTE=mswas] Suck man. Every time I read any of these threads I cannot help but think that you can’t really trust anyone anymore. I mean how do you know? [/QUOTE] You don’t know. Half of marriages end up in divorce, and I’ll bet damn few of the ones that do would have predicted that on their wedding day. But that is what makes it worth it. Defying the odds, making it work, getting lucky, whatever. It’s like the lottery; you can’t win if you don’t play. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/47 "2009-08-26T03:48:35Z")
LouisB, I’m very sorry that you are going through such pain. I wish you the very best in working through it. ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bruce\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/48 "2009-08-26T03:52:15Z")
Ouch! Sorry **LouisB**. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/49 "2009-08-26T04:01:11Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I am so sorry to hear about this **LouisB**. If it is any consolation she may not be able to drop you from the insurance\*. Often times judges will advise that the spouse who provided coverage must continue to do so for a set period of time and, as an insurance agent, even in the event of a divorce I will not remove anyone from a policy without seeing some sort of paperwork (decree from a judge, proof that the dependent has new coverage, etc.) specifically to prevent people from going crazy and cutting off coverage to someone because they had a fight. > \*This is officially the stupidest reason for a divorce I’ve ever heard. When my ex and I divorced, I had to continue providing her and my child with health insurance and it wasn’t easy. The alternative would have been for my ex to sign a waiver of some sort, which she was too smart to do. This is a common practice in industry but I don’t know about the Federal Government; I hope it is the Governments practice as well as I certainly would not sign any waiver. My only recourse, due to my age, is Medicare Part B which I haven’t signed up for since my wife carried me on her insurance. I will have to pay a penalty for not signing up when I was sixty-five but I don’t know how much. SS isn’t getting a COLA this year and Medicare is going up so it is going to be kind of rough, for me and a lot of others. I also believe that in industry, changes in beneficiaries require signed waivers from the current beneficiary. I’ll sign one of those when pigs fly, if the Government follows the same policy, I’m glad you brought this up and I agree, it is a stupid reason for a divorce. I think I would rather she had a lover or lovers instead of being that damn dumb; how dumb would that make me for marrying someone as dumb as she? ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/50 "2009-08-26T04:08:42Z")
> [@Salem](#): > > I was flabbergasted at the OP to begin with. As others have said, you’ve always referred to your wife in the most loving and respectful terms and seemed to completely cherish (yes, that is the best word) her. But the insurance? And the house is going to her sister??? That is just weird, odd, off the wall. > > I just have to ask, (and obviously you have every right to ignore the questions!), what was your financial arrangement over the last 14 years? Do you pool your money or have separate accounts? Is the house a joint purchase? Do you both contribute financially to the household? Has money been an ongoing issue between you? > > I’m sorry to be so nosy, I’m just trying to find some shred of sense in any of it. I’m really sorry you’re so hurt and hope that somehow you can make sense of things and get to a better place. We kept our money separate for a while and then went to joint accounts; all bills, including the house payment were made from the joint account. Money has never been an issue except we would have liked to have had more of it. Today, we went back to separate accounts; the killer for me is that we have an Ante-nuptial agreement----I swear that is what it is called and it is the only one I’ve ever heard of. Tomorrow, I will see a family law attorney just to find out how badly I’ve been screwed. ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/51 "2009-08-26T04:13:23Z")
I’m so sorry to read this, **Louis**. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![BaneSidhe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c5a1d2/32.png) [@BaneSidhe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaneSidhe)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/52 "2009-08-26T05:28:28Z")
☹ ---
**Author:** ![scareyfaerie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scareyfaerie/32/3135_2.png) [@scareyfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scareyfaerie)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/53 "2009-08-26T09:13:00Z")
I’m so sorry to hear this, **LouisB** , the way that you talked about her always made me feel there was hope for all of us in the relationship minefield. You’ll be in my thoughts, as will the others here who are having similar difficulties. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/54 "2009-08-26T13:34:52Z")
Concerning health insurance: I was a federal employee when I divorced. (25 years ago) It seems that as soon as the divorce was final, I mailed a copy of the divorce decree in to my personnel office. Among other actions, the (not so)Dearly Departed Ex was immediately removed from my health insurance, although our minor child remained on my policy until age 22. She may have had the option to keep the coverage and pay it herself, I don’t know about that. It was a long time ago and we didn’t talk much post-divorce. Things could have changed since then, but I’m certain she didn’t remain on my Federal Employee’s Health Insurance coverage . ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/55 "2009-08-26T14:21:53Z")
I’m so sorry to heart this, LouisB and others. Some good thoughts your way, all of you. Others have given better advice, so I’ll just give good wishes. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/56 "2009-08-26T14:26:28Z")
That ain’t worth a damn. I’m sorry, **Louis**. You deserve better and I hope it arrives in short order. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/57 "2009-08-26T14:32:13Z")
Last week we had our 24th anniversary and sent our youngest off to college. I realize that we are likely to be experiencing emotions such that we should not make any big decisions at the moment. But on my part I basically wonder whether this wouldn’t be a time to split and decide how we each want to style the rest of our lives. We keep having the same damn fight over and over, and at our ages I really don’t see either of us changing. Of course, I’ve passed this way before. Who knows how many more years we could just continue on in a loveless relationship?:rolleyes: Man, I really hope she gets that job she interviewed for. The extra money would make a split so much easier! ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/58 "2009-08-26T14:43:00Z")
Ok, **Louis** , that bit of background put this all into context. It sounds to me like she has a problem (or many) with alcohol and with delaying gratification. IOW, she seems to lack staying power and the maturity to do the work of couple’s therapy. IANAT or a doctor. You can certainly try to start therapy, but if I were you, I would insist on a separate therapist. She can continue to see her own, but honestly? I don’t see the current therapist as objective. However, it might be a good idea (depending on how strong you feel and how much you want this) to contact this therapist on your own and ask to speak to her (him?). I would like to believe (because I have been fairly fortunate in my therapists in the past) that this person would understand that you were ambushed into going to therapy which is no way to start therapy. A competent therapist would recognize that and confront that issue head on with you and This Woman (formerly known as My DArling Marcie). It’s like they tried to do some weird kind of intervention on you sans chemical addiction. That only works if things are at crisis level. I am sure you are walking around dazed, confused and hurt. Make lists, keep your eye on the prize (if you can sort out just what that is) and remember: you are your only advocate in this. Be a friend to yourself. Whatever issues she is working out or going through; you cannot help her. Be sure to help yourself. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2009, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/59 "2009-09-01T02:37:09Z")
I didn’t mean to let this die; I am no longer living in our townhouse and it took a few days to relocate. I have been charged with domestic abuse on the grounds that she is “scared” of me; I don’t have any idea how this has come about. I’ve never threatened her and I’ve certainly never laid a hand on her. I am about as confused as confused gets. I stopped by our townhouse today to try to talk to her and within five minutes, there were three squad cars on the premises. I hadn’t been served with any papers prior to today but I have been now; why it took three deputies to do it, I don’t know. I think the alcohol and her goddamned provisional therapist have screwed her up till hell want have it. I have to appear in court next week; I’ll either update this thread then or start part 2, depending on what is said and done. One thing has already been accomplished; I no longer have posession of my pistol and my ccw will probably be revoked and my pistol will be permanently denied me. Just goddamn, that’s all. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/60 "2009-09-01T02:43:02Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > I didn’t mean to let this die; I am no longer living in our townhouse and it took a few days to relocate. > > I have been charged with domestic abuse on the grounds that she is “scared” of me; I don’t have any idea how this has come about. I’ve never threatened her and I’ve certainly never laid a hand on her. I am about as confused as confused gets. > > I stopped by our townhouse today to try to talk to her and within five minutes, there were three squad cars on the premises. I hadn’t been served with any papers prior to today but I have been now; why it took three deputies to do it, I don’t know. I think the alcohol and her goddamned provisional therapist have screwed her up till hell want have it. I have to appear in court next week; I’ll either update this thread then or start part 2, depending on what is said and done. One thing has already been accomplished; I no longer have posession of my pistol and my ccw will probably be revoked and my pistol will be permanently denied me. > > Just goddamn, that’s all. For what its worth, you have someone pulling for you from Salt Lake City… Take Care, Matthew [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624.md?page=4)