# I didn't see this one coming **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2009, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624 "2009-08-25T12:25:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/81 "2009-09-04T15:54:50Z")
Are you familiar with the old Jerry Reed song, [“She got the goldmine (and I got the shaft)”?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04RJyFCg7ks) You might want to take a listen to that for some dark humour right about now. ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/82 "2009-09-04T18:06:15Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > My Darling Marcie has informed me that she will immediately be filing for a divorce, charging irreconcilable differences. I was (and am) as stunned by this as I would be by an arbitrary death sentence. She has been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for the past couple of months; I don’t know what role he has played but I don’t like to think about it, either. There is a little personal animosity between he and I as I have let him know that I think he is peddling snake oil; I think the same of most therapists. > Two weeks ago, we were discussing moving to Las Cruces; now we we are discussing divorce. > > Fuck it. Louis, I was you nearly 5 years ago. I hope you do not have any children involved in this. If you do, we will talk about later. First off, as a fellow divorcee, I feel for you. You will get through this, but you need to harden the fck up and take care of some stuff RIGHT NOW. You can grieve and analyze later. 1. Get a safety deposit box and a UPS mail box. 2. Open bank and credit card accounts in your name. Use the UPS box as your mailing address. 3. Transfer 1/2 of the money from all joint accounts into your new bank accounts. 4. Take her name off any account that was a primary for you. 5. If the two of you are listed on any vehicles and she is the primary noteholder, take YOUR name off and file that notice with the Motor Vehicle Depatment in your state. What you are doing is preventing her from draining/overdrafting any accounts you have and wrecking your credit. Don’t lecture me on what a sweet woman she is/was. I have paid $10,000 so far in post-divorce bs because I didn’t do these things. Get yourself the nastiest shark (divorce lawyer) you can find. Instruct him or her that they are to file papers only; If you need them for court, you will call them. I will explain this move later, but it keeps your cash outflow to a minimum. Hang in there, you will get through this and find someone that appreciates you. I did. ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/83 "2009-09-04T18:07:58Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > I haven’t been through this myself. But speaking generally of relationships, when a lover gives a baffling or bizarre reason for wanting to separate from you, it _always_ means he or she’s really seeing someone else. _Always._ I agree, but Louis didn’t need to hear that right now. I didn’t 5 years ago, either. ---
**Author:** ![Aries28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Aries28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aries28)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/84 "2009-09-04T18:26:44Z")
I’m really sorry. Hang in there and take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/85 "2009-09-04T18:59:06Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > I expect to have an attorney before this day is done and I intend to be as vindicative as possible. The first part of this is good; the second - not so much. Seriously, I am sorry to hear about this, but you are a better man than this. As my dear mother often says, in situations like this, someone has to be the grown-up. It sucks, it’s not fair, but … I pray for your peace. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/86 "2009-09-04T19:28:19Z")
I’m rooting for you as well. On what grounds would they enter this no-contact order? Grrr, those things irritate me. An arm of the state government becomes a weapon against you. My tax dollars are paying for your gun confiscation right now. But that is another issue. I went through this a few years ago and here is my free advice. Don’t be vindictive. It is hard and I know that you want to be, but it should just come out in the wash in the end (before that you will get screwed). So stay patient, be fair, fight for what is rightfully yours, but be gracious when you can. You will feel better about yourself and it will ultimately work out better in the long run. Also get an attorney that a good friend recommends; someone who will look out for your overall interests. Not just a guy who will try to win at all costs. Best of luck and many prayers. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/87 "2009-09-04T20:09:55Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > I have been charged with domestic abuse on the grounds that she is “scared” of me; I don’t have any idea how this has come about. I’ve never threatened her and I’ve certainly never laid a hand on her. I am about as confused as confused gets. What. The. Fuck??? Have you actually been “criminally charged” with domestic abuse, or is she simply BS accusing you so she can get a no-contact order? And has she lost her mind? I mean that question honestly. I do know that if my fiancee ever suddenly became “scared of me” I would seriously worry about her mental health. What the hell is she telling people? Who the hell is her therapist and what qualifications does he have? ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/88 "2009-09-05T00:19:35Z")
I have decided to take friend Bricker’s advice more seriously and keep my mouth shut for the time being. I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and generous advice; I will be acting on some of that advice but don’t want to say just what. For what it is worth, the “vindicative” motive is out of the picture. I will simply defend myself as best I can. In the meantime, thanks again and I will update this sometime after this coming Thursday. ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2009, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/89 "2009-09-05T01:58:01Z")
Sounds like a plan. I definitely felt vindictive–went out, hired a lawyer, and hoped for the worst, so to speak. I wound up getting a clearer head and offering her a fair deal and just kept firm on it until she accepted it. Also, FWIW, I wholeheartedly agree with **Sailboat**. That’s exactly what I thought when I read about your wife’s behavior. Same thing happened to me. Maybe you don’t want to hear it; maybe you do. I was thankful when I heard it–I’d much rather know than look like a clueless idiot to my friends. At least it will give you a different angle to look at things from. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/90 "2009-09-10T21:43:46Z")
Okay, I promised an update so here 'tis. We went before a judge today on a restraining order against me on domestic violence, in spite of the fact there hasn’t been any. However, she swore she was afraid of me and maybe she is; I sometimes look downright mean without being aware of it. She was accompanied by an attorney who spent maybe two minutes talking with me and who then requested time to try to negotiate a compromise; the judge granted us all the time we needed and we got down to the nitty-gritty out in the hall. The attorney made it plain that he was representing Marcie in both the restraining order and the subsequent/concurrent dissolution of marriage. But what he proposed is basically what I would expect an attorney representing me to propose and that is a decent compromise. First, he informed Marcie there was no way she was going to get any alimony from me, since her income exceeds mine. She was also demanding a fairly significant percentage of any money I might receive in my back injury case; the attorney informed her that my injuries far outweighed hers and she agreed to drop that demand. All that is left is division of property and I will prepare a list to be compared to her list and we will hammer all that out. One thing I insisted on is that I will get my gun back and my ccw will not be canceled. All in all, it sounded like a fair deal but I will pay an attorney of my very own to go over this thing with a fine tooth comb. I asked Marcie, via her attorney, if she thought we could work things out and she said no, pretty emphatically. So, no is where we are now-----I will soon be, I guess, an elderly, broke, physically damaged, illegible bachelor. I fully expect to enjoy that status until the day I die. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Economist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c89c15/32.png) [@Evil\_Economist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Economist)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/91 "2009-09-10T22:32:25Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > First, he informed Marcie there was no way she was going to get any alimony from me, since her income exceeds mine. I wonder if that means that you’d be eligible to receive alimony payments from her. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/92 "2009-09-10T22:45:29Z")
What happened with respect to the restraining order? ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/93 "2009-09-10T23:28:32Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > What. The. Fuck??? Have you actually been “criminally charged” with domestic abuse, or is she simply BS accusing you so she can get a no-contact order? This sort of thing happens all too easily. My nephew dated two girls over the course of several years; when things went sour with the second one, she knew the first and, after they hung out together a lot, they told their parents and the authorities they were scared of him and he was a threatening dude. The statements were so flimsy, so counter to the observed circumstances, that the prosecution flatly declined to prosecute on any of the charges. But when he was charged with something else entirely, the statements (still not sworn in or subject to cross-examination, mind you) were used by an officer of the court to write a “recommendation” that added considerable time to his sentence on the (entirely unrelated) conviction. So these things can totally bite you in the ass even when a hostile prosecutor decides they’re patently not credible. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/94 "2009-09-10T23:46:22Z")
> [@Evil\_Economist](#): > > I wonder if that means that you’d be eligible to receive alimony payments from her. No, the differential is not that great. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/95 "2009-09-10T23:49:37Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > What happened with respect to the restraining order? The temporary restraining order remains in effect, per our mutual agreement and the agreement of the judge, until the dissolution of the marriage. This way, the restraining order will not be made permanent and I will have my gun returned. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/96 "2009-09-10T23:58:31Z")
Forgot to add that the 15th of September is her birthday and the 27th would be our 13th anniversary. I had to ask her attorney’s permission to speak to her and when I wished her a happy birthday, she rolled her eyes nearly out of her head. So I elected to just forget the damn anniversary. I’m not happy and I’m not convinced that I know all of the story. I am convinced that I am not going to look for trouble. But, if she called, I’d go back to her in a heartbeat and that tells me I’m either a complete masochist or an idiot or both. I do know that there is no one like my Darling Marcie. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/97 "2009-09-11T02:22:58Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > I will soon be, I guess, an elderly, broke, physically damaged, illegible bachelor. I fully expect to enjoy that status until the day I die. Ah, man. Hang in there. You never know what tomorrow holds. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/98 "2009-09-11T03:13:23Z")
I’m not convinced you know all the story, either. None of this adds up to me. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/99 "2009-09-11T03:23:19Z")
Doesn’t matter what the story is. How they got to where they are is immaterial. The fact is that they are where they are, and at the moment, it appears that she is willing to cut a reasonable deal. Louis, get independent legal advice, and if your lawyer thinks that it is a fair deal, then sign ASAP before she changes her mind. Then walk away, no matter how much it hurts, for any further contact simply puts you at risk. And stop posting until the deal is completed. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624/100 "2009-09-11T16:20:42Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m not convinced you know all the story, either. None of this adds up to me. You might guess that I spent a pretty sleepless night last night; I ran a jillion scenarios through my fevered brain and couldn’t believe any of them. I guess things are just the way they are. I deeply appreciate all the sympathy and good wishes that have been sent my way; as to the good advice, I now a a lawyer on my side but I think I might be paying him just to say the terms recommended by Marcie’s lawyer are fair. They seemed so while he was outlining them, anyway. Let’s just let this thread die now, please. It has more than fulfilled its purpose. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-didnt-see-this-one-coming/507624.md?page=6)