# I done fucked up with my nephew today... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 31, 2015, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230 "2015-05-31T01:23:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/1 "2015-05-31T01:23:59Z")
He’s eight. I’m visiting from out of state, and don’t get to see him in person a lot as a result. We have, or have had, a pretty good rapport. We were playing in the pool, and I threatened to flip him while he was in a ring. He said no, and I didn’t. Later, I threatened again, and he said no, laughing, and somehow, I thought it’d be a good idea to do it this time. I did, and he was mad, for good reason. I’ve apologized much, and sincerely, outlining that I shouldn’t have gone against his wishes, but I hate that I broke his trust like that. I have little time or opportunity to make it up to him further (less than two weeks, and overall, as explained above). I feel pretty rotten. ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/2 "2015-05-31T02:33:12Z")
Maybe you dont have much experience with kids. two weeks is a long enough time for him to get over it. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/3 "2015-05-31T02:35:13Z")
I was slightly younger than your nephew when my much-older sister pulled a similar stunt; it ended with me nearly drowning and resulted in a lifelong (well, so far, at least) paralyzing fear of water. I’m not saying that you nearly drowned your nephew, or that you’ve scarred him for life, but please let this be a lesson to you about boundaries- particularly children’s boundaries. Good for you for apologizing; it’s more than my sister managed to pull off. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/4 "2015-05-31T02:52:10Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > I thought it’d be a good idea to do it this time. Just out of curiosity, does it matter that he’s 8 and he’s your nephew? Would you have thought this to be a good idea to do this to anyone of any age? ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/5 "2015-05-31T02:55:22Z")
Honestly, I don’t even remember my thought process. I’m not normally a “no means yes” type of guy. If you’re talking about the flip action itself, I don’t have anything against it per se. It struck me as good clean pool fun, at least against a majority. ---
**Author:** ![McGuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@McGuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McGuffy)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/6 "2015-05-31T04:03:59Z")
Suggestion: Ask him to go swimming again. On the way, tell him you promise not to flip him without his permission. Keep your word. He’ll eyeball you for awhile at the pool. But you have 2 weeks and kids are pretty forgiving of grownups who actually/sincerely apologize. (I have grandsons.) Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/7 "2015-05-31T04:36:03Z")
Take the kid to Baskin Robbins. Buy him a new baseball glove and teach him to catch. All will be forgiven. 😃 As others said, kids memories are short. Replace one bad memory with several good experiences and everything is fine. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/8 "2015-05-31T04:48:05Z")
Leaper have you asked him to pull your finger yet? Every uncle has to pull that one a few times. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/9 "2015-05-31T05:05:58Z")
Kids aren’t goldfish. Sheesh. It’s quite possible that it really won’t be a big deal long-term, but don’t act like kids are incapable of forming memories or feeling betrayal or distrust, people. **Leaper** , I’d play it by ear. Next time you see him, just see how he acts and talks to you and try to have a fun time. If he seems distant or distrustful, maybe talk with his parents after (or during, but away from him for privacy) to figure things out further. If he seems basically okay, awesome! Show him your love and trustworthiness with fun and respect. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/10 "2015-05-31T05:10:00Z")
Don’t feel too bad. Almost all kids (and people in general) have had that type of stunt pulled on them more than once. Sometimes they think it is funny but other times they get belligerent about it and it is hard to tell beforehand which it will be. My youngest daughter is a really good swimmer. She jumps in deep end and swims from end to end like a fish. Last year, just after we opened the pool, she was standing at the edge staring at the water when I asked he to jump in. She hesitated so I just reached out and casually pushed her in. You would think that I was actively trying to kill her based on her response. It was nothing but (fake) choking, screaming and wailing. I ended up jumping in after her to rescue her. Being the drama queen that she is, she made quite the scene but that still didn’t stop her from jumping in on her own and doing just fine not 10 minutes later. Those types of things are all about context. You made an assumption about him that didn’t work out. It happens to all of us especially when it comes to kids (or women). You didn’t do anything objectively bad but, for whatever reason, he thought you did at the moment. There is no good way to avoid that dilemma completely unless you never play with anyone at all. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/11 "2015-05-31T06:10:04Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Just out of curiosity, does it matter that he’s 8 and he’s your nephew? Would you have thought this to be a good idea to do this to anyone of any age? I can see him doing it to a 35 year old MMA fighter, whom he did not know, and it being a problem. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/12 "2015-05-31T06:11:21Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Don’t feel too bad. Almost all kids (and people in general) have had that type of stunt pulled on them more than once. Sometimes they think it is funny but other times they get belligerent about it and it is hard to tell beforehand which it will be. > > My youngest daughter is a really good swimmer. She jumps in deep end and swims from end to end like a fish. Last year, just after we opened the pool, she was standing at the edge staring at the water when I asked he to jump in. She hesitated so I just reached out and casually pushed her in. You would think that I was actively trying to kill her based on her response. It was nothing but (fake) choking, screaming and wailing. I ended up jumping in after her to rescue her. Being the drama queen that she is, she made quite the scene but that still didn’t stop her from jumping in on her own and doing just fine not 10 minutes later. > > Those types of things are all about context. You made an assumption about him that didn’t work out. It happens to all of us especially when it comes to kids (or women). You didn’t do anything objectively bad but, for whatever reason, he thought you did at the moment. There is no good way to avoid that dilemma completely unless you never play with anyone at all. This. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/13 "2015-05-31T13:28:45Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Those types of things are all about context. You made an assumption about him that didn’t work out. It happens to all of us especially when it comes to kids (or women). You didn’t do anything objectively bad but, for whatever reason, he thought you did at the moment. There is no good way to avoid that dilemma completely unless you never play with anyone at all. Quite a few people manage to avoid this dilemma by taking no as no. It’s even possible to play with children (and women!), have a grand old time, and avoid ticking them off by not doing things _they ask you not to do_. OP, you upset your nephew and apologized. Kids really do recognize apologies, especially ones that don’t include justifications for what was done. Learning from your mistakes is one very good way to avoid this dilemma completely in the future. You and your nephew will be good. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/14 "2015-05-31T13:32:42Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Those types of things are all about context. You made an assumption about him that didn’t work out. It happens to all of us especially when it comes to kids (or women). You didn’t do anything objectively bad but, for whatever reason, he thought you did at the moment. There is no good way to avoid that dilemma completely unless you never play with anyone at all. I agree that the nephew will forgive the OP, but isn’t the best way to avoid that dilemma by just listening to what the other person tells you? ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/15 "2015-05-31T13:37:00Z")
You will be fine. The most important thing is you _owned up to the mistake and apologized immediately._ I think many of us are familiar with people who would never apologize for fear of looking weak or some such shit. Those are the people who damage children. A mistake followed by an apology can be healthy in a weird way. Not that you want to go making mistakes for the hell of it, but if you do you can show a child the importance of honesty, humility and forgiveness, lessons worthy of a lifetime. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/16 "2015-05-31T13:42:15Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > If you’re talking about the flip action itself, I don’t have anything against it per se. It struck me as good clean pool fun, at least against a majority. I’m having trouble parsing this response, but the answer I was looking for is “No, it is not okay to dunk someone in a pool after he or she has asked you not to, regardless of his or her age or relationship to you.” Accidental drowning is a rather common cause of death. Fear of water is also very common. And then there’s the whole doing-something-to-me-that-I-don’t-want-you-to-do thing. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/17 "2015-05-31T13:55:26Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > … I’ve apologized much, and sincerely, outlining that I shouldn’t have gone against his wishes, but I hate that I broke his trust like that. I have little time or opportunity to make it up to him further (less than two weeks, and overall, as explained above). > > I feel pretty rotten. This could actually be a good thing. And that ‘grown ups’ need to recognize when they are wrong too. And that they can be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/18 "2015-05-31T14:12:43Z")
This is important: you must never, never, never do anything like this again. “No” must mean NO from now on. He may forgive you, but you probably will not get a third chance. He may be willing to accept that you fucked up once, but if you give him any reason to see this as part of a pattern of behavior, then you may be beyond the event horizon. What’s more, even if he forgives you, and starts acting like his old self with you again, he may still be wary of you. DO NOT FUCK UP AGAIN! ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/19 "2015-05-31T14:33:07Z")
I’m going to highlight the good in this story: 1. That he felt comfortable enough around you to show his feelings. That means he has some measure of trust around you. 2. That you apologized immediately and didn’t try to shame him for his negative reaction. You could have said “lighten up, crybaby” or something like–which is what a douchebag uncle would have done. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230/20 "2015-05-31T15:39:31Z")
**Leaper** , when I was your nephew’s age, and for a few years thereafter, I was deathly afraid of water. Sure, I could be in a ring, but any way of merely putting my face in the water would have resulted in a full-blown panic attack that could have easily resulted in drowning. I don’t know whether this is your nephew’s situation, but if I had said “no” and you went ahead and did it anyway, my mistrust of you would have lasted a long, long time. When someone expresses something to you, you have to listen and believe them. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-done-fucked-up-with-my-nephew-today/721230.md?page=2)