I. Don't. Care. ( I wish)

Wake up. Get ready for work. Get the kids outfits together, get Mrs. Top’s work clothes together. Make everybody’s breakfast. Make lunch for me and Mrs. Top. Go to work, come home, make dinner, clean. Drink beer, go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat
I.Don’t. Care. The fucking clothes and dishes can wait a night. Oh no, they can’t. Because if I don’t do them, they probably won’t get done. Oh fucking well. I wish I meant that, I wish I could. But if I don’t do shit around the house, it’s likely shit won’t get done at all I wake up early, in pain, hoping that at least maybe I’ll get to watch something I want to watch from four AM to six AM. No good though, the remote is not where it should be and somehow it’ll be my fault for not finding it after it’s been misplaced by you or the kids. I need a beer…fuck, I need morphine for the work-related injuries I’ve got through the years. I don’t expect you to know how I feel, I wouldn’t wish how i feel on my worst enemy. But a little “I don’t know how you feel, but let me take over for a night” might be really appreciated. I hurt so bad I’m trying not to care about anything, but I have to. That’s the worst part, caring when you don’t want to. I hurt so bad that the most I should try for is that the kids are safe and fed while you’re off. I can’t though. Dammit, I want the girls to be happy. Fuck, I want you to be happy. I can’t go on though. My shoulder is on fire from where I hurt it last night, grabbing on to KIDTop1 to prevent her from slipping on the kitchen floor I spent literally an hour cleaning. Of course, I slipped, but at leasty KIDTop1 is OK.
I hope you’re enjoying your time away from work (and us) this evening. I got that about, what, a year ago?
II.I know you try, honey-bunny, it’s one of the reasons I love you. But I hurt, physically and mentally, and I need a break. I want to come home and do NOTHING, while not worrying nothing is getting done. I love you, and I want you and Team D.E.S.K. To be happy,. But I can’t go on without breaking much longer. Give me 10% and I will always be…
Yours in love - DESK

On what I am sure is a smaller level I can relate to this post. I can’t say that I have any words of comfort or advice for you, but I can relate.

I’m not in your situation, so I obviously don’t know all of the ever so important details, but have you had this discussion with Mrs. D.E.S.K.? A boiler without a vent will soon enough explode. Maybe (hopefully?) more communication would help?

Either way, I do hope things shape up for you. It sounds like a trying situation. :frowning:

Lemme tell you something.

From my heart to yours.

I married my first hubby in a fit of love. I loved that man, dammit. I loved him thru alcoholism and violence and a very shattered life. I was the person who put the dishes in the dishwasher and fed/diapered the kids. Often with black eyes.

:takes a step back:

I didn’t realize how bad it was until my little 3 yr old girl wanted to have a friend spend the night. I thought “this little girl can’t see what’s going on in my house”.

Then the ton of bricks hit. Shit, 90, YOUR kids are living in this. :frowning:

So. My advice to you, QUIT being the martyr who keeps the house together. The end is not a pretty picture. Get counseling before it gets so bad. You may think the kids don’t know it, but they DO know.

You possibly have a chance to change this. DO IT NOW. If she won’t go to counseling with you, GO ALONE.

You and your kids deserve better.


Why are you in pain? Have you seen a doctor? Have you taken a tylenol?
Do you have a speech defect? What’s wrong with saying, “Honey, I’m really beat, could you do the dishes tonight?” Or make dinner, or take the kids out for a while. But if you don’t speak up, how would anyone know how you feel.
Contrary to TV hype, NO ONE CAN READ MINDS. If you do the same chores everyday, why would she have a clue anything need change?
Instead of posting to imaginary people in a plastic box, talk to your partner about what’s bothering you.
Communication is the cememt that holds relationships together.

Sorry, if this sounds harsh, but my husband does the same thing to me. (except it isn’t housework) He gets very stressed, stuffs it down inside, until he can’t, then it gushes out and burns both of us. He’s gotten better over the years, but it still happens. He truly believes I should be able to read his mind.
I know it looks obvious from in there, but maybe it doesn’t from outside .
I hope you feel better soon.

I don’t think we’re getting the full story. Unless you’ve talked to the Missus and all she’s done is shrug her shoulders and say, “Whatever” then there’s no excuse for you not to tell her what you’ve told us.

If you love her as much as you say, and if she’s as good a person as you think she is, then she will be more than willing to help you in your time of need.

Plus, how old are the kidlets? Can they start doing some household chores?

Thanks for the words, all. I forgot Rule #1 though; don’t start a thread when you’ve got an unreliable PC.
Now, some answers to questions that have been asked.
First, I’ve talked to Mrs. Top. She’s a sweet, loving person. But she’s 95% good intentions and 5% get up and do it. Coming home and saying “take the evening off, I’ll take care of everything” is great; waking up to a sink full of dishes, clothes that have to be rewashed because she forgot to transfer the load to the dryer, and “oh, gee, honey, I forgot” isn’t so great. She’d give you the shirt off her back, forgetting it’s my shirt and she just borrowed it. She’s the type who’ll make all kinds of offers, meaning every one of them at the time, and promptly forget about them.
As for the pain, I worked as a mover part time for 2 years, while working full time on a shipping dock. I’ve got a gaggle of injuries from work, from a bad back to a twice broken ankle that I didn’t know was broken and didn’t heal correctly. My doctor has given me various pain relievers over the years, but the only ones strong enough to help also are strong enough to make me stupid for awhile. I don’t like that so I only take them as a last resort. Hell, I don’t think I even have any around currently. Even if my pride would allow me to go on disability, my bank account wouldn’t. My doc says he’ll sign the papers anytime I want him to.
As a matter of fact, I do have a speech defect, but it doesn’t, and hasn’t, prevented me from talking to her. (see above)
KIDTop 1 & A* are 5 and 3, and they love helping daddy clean. True, I usually have to go over what they’ve done, but it’s really sweet. They argue over who folds towels the best and who gets to put away the silverware (after I’ve put away the sharp stuff).

Peace - DESK
*Not an error. I don’t like referring to them as 1 & 2 or A & B, so one gets first number, one gets first letter

Oops, upon re-reading my last post, I realised the response about the speech problem could come across as snarky. I meant it only as a statement of fact; no offence was taken. I certainly don’t expect my fellow dopers to know that much about me.

Peace - DESK

It occurs to me that perhaps the Missus may have a problem which could be overcome with meds. For example a person who suffers from bipolar disorder will exhibit some of the symptoms which you related. I especially picked up on the laundry example; my bipolar sister will do weird things like put a load of clothes in the washer without taking the previous load out. Is there a possibility of getting that checked out?

Okay, I don’t really understand why you have to rewash clothes because she forgot to put them in the dryer. Are we talking days here? Mildew? Dried in the pile they lay in? Cause sometimes I’ll leave stuff in the washer overnight or all day or something and it’s no big deal.

Also, don’t make her lunch and get her clothes together. It’s one thing to do it for the kids, but don’t do it for her. Ask her to please come in and help with the dishes NOW. Or to help with cleaning NOW. Or to help make dinner NOW. Or bathe the kids NOW. Or help dry and fold NOW. And, again, don’t do any chores that only benefit her. I can’t guarantee you’ll teach an old dog new tricks, but you’ll get some help around the house.
I say this, not as someone who can relate to you, but someone who can relate to your wife.

This might be completely, 100% off target, but I think your wife needs to grow up. An adult can be expected to do some stuff around the house, personality traits aside. And with two kids, your wife should be pulling her own weight in the house, no excuses (well, unless she is actually sick, but it doesn’t sound like it). It sounds to me like you’re enabling your wife to be 95% intention and 5% get up and do it.

There might be some streamlining that is available to you, too. I agree that it is in no way your job to be getting your wife’s clothes together; she’s not three. The key word here is COMPROMISE. Lunches - Safeway makes sandwiches. Supper - Safeway has lots of frozen food. If the house isn’t dirty, and there is no danger of bugs, maybe you need to tolerate some clutter while the kids are young. Re-wash the clothes? Only if they’ve sat for a couple of days. I often put a load in before going to bed and dry them in the morning.

Hey, give us an actual list of what you do, and we’ll work on it for you to lighten your load, if you like. But truly, your wife should be helping.

The Pit isn’t an ideal place for someone who’s already stressed out, Desk. Most of the responses are positive and supportive, so I’m moving this over to MPSIMS.


Based solely on the age of your children, I am going to assume you are both fairly young.

You wife sounds very immature. This is behavior I would expect of a teenager. Both you and your wife may need some marital counseling. You to learn tools to become a better communicator and your wife to learn to become a grown up.

You have an obligation to you and your children to not get to the point where you can no longer go on. You have your health to consider and the well being of the children as your primary focus. It’s not fair to them to allow this situation to continue as is. If your situation is as dire as your OP, you don’t have the luxury to “ride this one out”. It’s your duty as a father and a husband to do whatever you can (ie counseling) to make your home the best possible place to raise your children.

Sorry, I’m off my soapbox now. Good Luck to you and your family.

Expanding on the idea that your wife needs to grow up, doing things you don’t particularly want to do is definitely part of being a grown up. I don’t have any affinity for housekeeping at all (see my Half-Assed Housecleaner thread for evidence if you like), but the dishes have to get done, the floors have to get swept and mopped and vacuumed, so you just suck it up and do it. Your wife seems to be missing the “suck it up and do it” part. I’m going to work now - I’d love to stay home and play on the computer and sleep in, but that doesn’t pay the bills. What excuses your wife from doing what she has to do like the rest of us adults?

I’ve been thinking alot about this, being a mild version of the OP’s wife and all, and also of the advice I gave last night. Honestly, I think it’s the best way to take care of things. I would like to clarify what I said, too, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advocating barking orders to one’s spouse or anything. I really think, if her good intentions are there, she’ll appreciate the timely reminder and supervision and structure. Just deliver it in a matter of fact way. Desk , do you ask her “When is dinner?” or “What’s for dinner” or even better “I made dinner last night. Can you please make it tonight?” If not, do it! At dinner time! How about, “My shoulder is killing me. Please take out the garbage for me. It needs to go now.” Try this: “Honey, it’s time for us to do the dishes!” or “Oh! The dryer is done! We’d better go fold before it wrinkles. Come on, that means you, too!”

Do you think she’d have the nerve to ask where her clothes and lunch are? If so, I hope you tell her “They’re your clothes and lunch. I’m not going to do that for you anymore and I’m sorry I lead you to expect it.”

If this doesn’t work, she doesn’t really have good intentions and you’ve got some hard choices ahead of you.

Just wanted to say I feel your pain here, Desk . I’m working 40-50 hours (plus 24/7/365 on-call, less vacation), the (as of a week and change again) MrsZer works maybe 20 on a rough week, but same symptoms–I do all the cooking, all the dishes, and the laundry sits in the (public, shared at apartment building) washers or dryers for hours and hours sometimes.

We’re working on increasing her sense of responsibility, but we’ll see how it goes. It’s a slow process.

Oh, speaking for myself, the reason to re-wash clothes after they sit in the dryer for hours is that it takes less time than ironing the wrinkles out of my shirts.

Quick de-wrinkling tip:
If you’ve got a cotton or poly-cotton blend shirt that needs de-wrinkling, toss it in the dryer for about 10 minutes with a wet towel or dishrag. (CLEAN and wet, duh). Wrinkles go bye-bye. Sure, it ain’t the crisp “just pressed” look, but it gives you about the same look as “I re-washed it just to de-wrinkle it”.
This also works on some synthetic materials, use at your own risk, your mileage may vary, void where prohibited, all taxes and fees still apply, not valid in Canada, Mexico or the Virgin Islands, do not use on cats, dogs, or pregnant gerbils.

Hey! Is SO valid in Canada!

Anyway, he was talking about re-washing clothes from the washer, not the dryer, which I kind of understand, because they do get mildewy in there. But not overnight.