# I don't drink **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 2, 2012, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609 "2012-05-02T07:11:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/81 "2012-05-04T14:18:48Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > It doesn’t even out in the wash, though, if one person CONSISTENTLY is ordering $20 less than the other people. If one person has an average tab of $15, and another person has an average tab of $50, every time they go out, then the second person is getting subsidized by the first person, if they alternate picking up the checks. And this is what is going to happen if one person doesn’t drink alcohol, and the other person doesn’t consider the meal complete without having three or four drinks every time. > > Tell you what, let’s go bookshopping together, and we’ll put our purchases together and just split the tab. Thing is, you only want $15 of books, but I want $50 worth. Let’s do this every week, and we ALWAYS both get about the same amount of books, that is, you get one hardback, whereas I get a hardback, a movie, and some magazines. Every time, I chirp up and say “Let’s put it all on your card, and I’ll give you $35 in cash, that’s fair, right?” Hey, I’m paying MORE THAN HALF. Do you think that’s fair, that I expect you to subsidize my habit? > > If one person consistently orders more stuff, and more expensive stuff, but expects to split the bill evenly, then guess what? That can add up. If it happens consistently, then speak up and ask for a separate check. I don’t see the problem there. If it has happened once, suck it up and don’t be a cheapskate. That’s not going to impress a new girlfriend, especially when meeting her friends. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/82 "2012-05-04T14:21:02Z")
And maybe I’m imposing my own standard of behavior on others, but I can’t imagine ever ordering above 50% of the cost of anything and asking someone to split the bill evenly. If it’s a petty difference, I’ll be okay with their telling me, “Nah, that’s ok,” but I would always offer to pay more than half. “Hey–mine was more than yours, so how about I pay 12 bucks and you can give me 8?” , like that. It’s not difficult. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/83 "2012-05-04T14:25:33Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > If it has happened once, suck it up and don’t be a cheapskate. This is EXACTLY, PRECISELY what I’ve done, and what I’ve gotten called all sorts of names of names for here: passive-aggressive, irrational phobi[c], etc. it happened once, I didn’t let on that it bothered me, I posted about it here, I got shit from Dopers. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/84 "2012-05-04T14:26:21Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > When the server is taking your order, politely, and discreetly, “May I have mine on a separate check please?” > > Problem solved. If your friend’s question why, make any excuse you like (debit card only, tracking my spending, need a receipt, my accountant…) or just smile and say, “Don’t worry, it’s all taken care of!” Done. No need to drop dining out with your friends, or changing girlfriend’s! +1 ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/85 "2012-05-04T14:29:42Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > This is EXACTLY, PRECISELY what I’ve done, and what I’ve gotten called all sorts of names of names for here: passive-aggressive, irrational phobi[c], etc. it happened once, I didn’t let on that it bothered me, I posted about it here, I got shit from Dopers. Ah ok, I missed that part. My apologies. If you are being taken advantage of regularly, then I am completely on your side. Why not ask for a separate check for you and your girlfriend at the start of the dinner? ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/86 "2012-05-04T14:40:26Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Just out of curiosity, what restaurant have you ever gone to that refused to split a check up? Because I have never, ever heard of any place that wouldn’t do it. Or do you mean you didn’t want to ask them to do it? > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It’s not totally unheard-of here, especially for large groups. Some restaurants just won’t do it. I remember years ago in a Miss Manners column someone asked correct way to respond to a restaurant refusing to give separate checks. She said the correct response was to crumple your napkin, place it on the table and leave without ordering. She ended her answer by saying something to the effect of you’re not there for the restaurant’s convenience, the restaurant is there for yours. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/87 "2012-05-04T15:37:23Z")
Those people victimized prr. They virtually gang raped him. Then the poor fellow comes here looking for comfort and assurance and what happens? You people berate and insult him. You might as well have called him “anal whore” or “butt slut.” This place lacks compassion. Don’t listen to them, prr. You’re the victim here. Your gf and her predatory friends will use you, abuse you, discard you like a used condom, and then laugh uproariously in later years when they revisit the places where you were their bitch. I’ve never experienced it, myself, but I can believe it must be horrible for you to be the ATM (in both senses) for that witch and her posse. I think you should start keeping a journal of every time you are wronged. Be detailed. Paste things like restaurant receipts in it. Reread your entries frequently. Keep it with you everywhere so you could even do stuff like describe the next time they make you squeal like a pig while it is happening. Remember, per, I’m the only one in this thread who is really looking out for you. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/88 "2012-05-04T17:35:32Z")
Unless you made a point of announcing that you’d only had salad and water, then they probably didn’t know splitting would cause you to significantly overpay. I know that when I go out with a group, I rarely monitor what others are ordering. Especially if those other people are strangers, like you were essentially were to them. Did they know you only had salad and water? Your GF, presumably, would be more likely to pay attention to such a detail, though. She also would have been a better position to advocate for you. So how did she handle this? Could she sense you were bothered? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/89 "2012-05-04T17:37:01Z")
**prr** , think about it this way. These people have a system. The sustem has presumably been in place for some times, and has worked happily for the duration of their friendship. The system is functional, has internal logic, and like most systems probably serves a useful purpose, even if that purpose is not immediately apparent to outsiders. In the right circumstances, an even split is a great way to do things- it’s fast, it keeps the flow of the evening going, if everyone agrees to it it reduces the chances of someone getting butthurt, and it encourages people to keep the drinks flowing as long as the conversation is lively. You have come into this system with an unusual behavior (not drinking) that they system was not designed to handle. You have introduced an element of chaos, and that predictability threw off the balance. Now this isn’t your fault or a bad thing, but you can at the least make an effort to restore balance and refine the system so it works again- by, for example, proposing a new system (separate checks, splitting a single bill on different cards, etc.) This will probably have it’s drawbacks for them- and not just monetarily. But I’m sure they’d see your logic. I mean, it’d be different if they saw you were drinking water and decided, “Hey, this is our big chance to drink on someone else’s dime!” But if it’s what a group does customarily, typically your options are to go along or propose something mutually agreeable. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/90 "2012-05-04T19:02:57Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > it happened once, I didn’t let on that it bothered me, I posted about it here, I got shit from Dopers. Given that, on the basis of that once, you regard them as having a “character flaw” for failing to notice that you weren’t drinking alcoholic beverages like they were, even though you’d done nothing to call it to their attention, what sort of reaction _would_ you expect? My stepmother is one of those people who notices what everybody’s eating and drinking, so she can file it away and say to herself, “X is coming over, he doesn’t eat seafood. And Y doesn’t like asparagus,” and plan the menu accordingly. Just FYI, most people aren’t like my stepmother. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/91 "2012-05-04T22:08:15Z")
I stood out like a sore thumb. The waiter kept coming over to check if anyone needed a fresh drink? “Fresh drink? Drink? Can I refresh that? You still on water?” If they didn’t notice that I was drinking water for a hour while they were getting new cocktails, again, this comes under “insensitive.” ---
**Author:** ![Hbns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hbns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hbns)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2012, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/92 "2012-05-06T06:17:42Z")
“The other night we went out to dinner with our good bud and her new boyfriend. Right away we noticed he wasn’t drinking, when he excused himself we discussed what we should do about the tab. After much discussion we concluded the sensitive thing to do would be to just ignore it. I mean how insensitive of us would it have been to point it out if this guy was a recovering alcoholic.” > [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > When I go out to dinner with people who do drink, it pisses me off that I always get stuck “splitting” the bill with people who drink A LOT. Just keep sucking it up, paying, and keeping mum and you will never be wanting for dinner invitations my friend. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2012, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/93 "2012-05-06T19:38:48Z")
Is the whole splitting the bill thing some kind of regional thing? I grew up/still live in the south. I’ve _NEVER_ done that when out to eat with friends and I can’t imagine any situation in which it’d be necessary/preferable to do so. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2012, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/94 "2012-05-06T20:29:32Z")
I also grew up in and live in the deep south. Straight out simple check splitting (take bill, divide by X people regardless of who got what) isnt something I’ve encountered on a regular basis. I wouldn’t say its rare but IME its not the norm either. I don’t eat out often, but when I do we split the bill evenly. Stay taken advantaged of my friends… ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2012, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/95 "2012-05-07T05:24:26Z")
It might be regional, it’s pretty common in DC when you go out among friends. I’d say you’re more likely to divide it based on what people ordered when you don’t know the other diners well. There was a Friends episode on this exact issue, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel all resented that the other three wanted to split the check. It was neatly resolved in 30 minutes, oddly enough. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2012, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/96 "2012-05-07T07:08:46Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > It might be regional, it’s pretty common in DC when you go out among friends. I’d say you’re more likely to divide it based on what people ordered when you don’t know the other diners well. There was a Friends episode on this exact issue, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel all resented that the other three wanted to split the check. It was neatly resolved in 30 minutes, oddly enough. And in that episode it just hadn’t occured to the others that there was a money issue at play. I’d say that PRR is waaaay overplaying this and being all passive agressive about it… FFS - “they should notice”? That sounds like a wife, not a group of friends.. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2012, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609/97 "2012-05-07T10:25:55Z")
All good. The GF and I had a talk over the weekend, and passive-aggressive me waited for her to bring up the inequity of her drinking and me not-- we came to an understanding that works for both of us. Thanks for the support, folks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-drink/620609.md?page=4)