# I don't know how to put things in my ass. (a true story) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772 "2003-05-12T19:19:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![juji\_mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@juji\_mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/juji_mojo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/41 "2003-05-14T00:11:02Z")
[Marvin the Martian voice] Wheres the KABoom? There was supposed to be an Earth-Shattering KABoom! [/Martin the Martian voice] (Sorry, had to be said) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/42 "2003-05-14T04:04:58Z")
> [@](#): > > I was :mad: , totally determined to defeat my anus You’re lucky you’re still alive little mister. ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/43 "2003-05-14T04:33:34Z")
Maybe if you didn’t abuse those smileys so much, young man, you wouldn’t need that enema! That’s how Elvis really died, you know. I’d use a winky smiley here, but I don’t want to go through what you did. And if you defeat your anus, do you plant a flag there? ---
**Author:** ![Denis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5e9695/32.png) [@Denis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Denis)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/44 "2003-05-14T08:01:05Z")
Gawd, I must be sick. Butthole and fart threads are **so** entertaining! ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/45 "2003-05-14T08:06:45Z")
That was like one of Scylla’s epic posts. But funny. And yet… very icky. ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/46 "2003-05-14T14:36:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by coyasicanbe \* > \*\*But this fine literary experience is missing something. Why, EXACTLY, were you giving yourself an enema with your girlfriend outside the bathroom door? > > Preparing for some good reverse strap-on action?\*\* Not with a strap-on, but essentially this. In theory, I enjoy it. Talking about it with my girlfriend gets me aroused, but in practise it’s an uncomfortable feeling. Maybe she’s just a good salesman? > [@](#): > > \*\* And the porn magazines? Where do they fit in (please no bad puns for “fit it” here)?\*\* Oh, she was just reading them as I was typing the original post. I just wanted to share what kind of demented porn can be found at seedy book stores. (P.S. I bought that OVER 50 magazine, full of old women, and the next time I went back to that store the older woman who works there knew my name, my hobbies, was determined to chat me up, etc. Pretty funny.) ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/47 "2003-05-14T14:38:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by missbunny \* > \*\*That was hilarious. > > By the way, you were using the nozzle intended for the douching of a lady’s personal private parts. Just to add to your . . . experience. \*\* The _whisk_ attachment was supposed to go in my ass? Are you shitting me? (rimshot) (rimshot for the previous rimshot) ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/48 "2003-05-14T14:40:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by nealla \* > \*\*PLEASE tell me you didn’t make your girlfriend clean the bathroom afterward. > > BTW, has she quit laughing yet? \*\* Not even to breathe. ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/49 "2003-05-14T14:43:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by juji\_mojo \* > \*\*[Marvin the Martian voice] > > Wheres the KABoom? There was supposed to be an Earth-Shattering KABoom! > > [/Martin the Martian voice] > (Sorry, had to be said) \*\* Be satisfied with an Earth-_Splattering_ KABoom, doc. ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/50 "2003-05-14T14:43:48Z")
Wel, it’s good to see you back at your keyboard, \*\* Anal \*\* 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/51 "2003-05-14T15:38:14Z")
Somehow I bet you’ll Never make fun of kids with Super-Soaker squirt guns again… [Cite](http://www.supersoaker.com/pl/page.viewproduct/product_id.12749/dn/default.cfm) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/52 "2003-05-14T17:54:15Z")
Anal, you give an entirely new meaning to the term “_mist_er”. ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/53 "2003-05-14T18:00:33Z")
Lieu, you have an amazing ability to alternate between the best jokes on the board and the worst jokes on the board. Keep up the good work! ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/54 "2003-05-15T01:28:44Z")
Bravo! I’d tell you to take a bow, but…well…I don’t know which way you’re facing. 😃 In the same vein, a young guy at work tells a story about his experience while test driving the latest, most-poweful-ever, jet ski. While zipping along the Jersey Shore, at roughly 30 miles per hour, the jet ski hit something, and bumped him off. He landed in more or less a sitting position, with his knees still spread from straddling the jet ski. Being a young guy, he was, naturally, wearing a baggy, surfer style bathing suit. The kind with enough room in the legs for a normal leg, plus a watermelon. Or, in his case, what he claims was approximately five gallons of brackish seawater, all of which was instantly, and forcibly, inserted into his rectum. As in your case, once in, it didn’t want to come back out, immediately. So, with bulging eyes and bulging belly, he was forced to ride the jet ski back to the rental place, at the slowest possible speed. But, the jet ski wasn’t the _only_ jet he rode, that day. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/55 "2003-05-15T01:34:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Davebear \* > \*\*…But, the jet ski wasn’t the _only_ jet he rode, that day. 😛 \*\* :eek: I _really_ could have done without that mental picture… Thanks **Davebear**! Please excuse me while bleach my brain. ---
**Author:** ![glarGH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/76d3ee/32.png) [@glarGH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glarGH)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/56 "2003-05-15T07:21:13Z")
Oh my. GAWD. . . . . AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA… ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/57 "2003-05-15T10:57:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by modro \* > \*\*:eek: > > I _really_ could have done without that mental picture… > > Thanks **Davebear**! > > Please excuse me while bleach my brain. \*\* My pleasure. 😃 I don’t think it’s as good as **Anal Scurvy** ’s image of a room dripping with cat spew, but it’s pretty amusing. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/58 "2003-05-15T11:02:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Davebear \* > As in your case, once in, it didn’t want to come back out, immediately. So, with bulging eyes and bulging belly, he was forced to ride the jet ski back to the rental place, at the slowest possible speed. But, the jet ski wasn’t the _only_ jet he rode, that day. 😛 :eek: I have a desk calendar at work, based on the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide. How to best escape a shark attack, car dangling over the edge of cliff, that sort of thing. Recently one of the pages told you how to survive a jump off a bridge or otherwise into water, and one of the tips was that you had to clench your thighs and buttocks to prevent water entry in that region. I was wondering if that was true or not, guess I got my answer! ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/59 "2003-05-15T12:32:58Z")
Waterski guy got lucky he didn’t pop his internal organs like a water balloon; someone going off a bridge without the precautions mentioned above definately would…although if it was an episode of ‘CSI’, I’m not sure if I’d want to see the forensic replay. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/60 "2003-05-15T13:06:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by quietman1920 \* > \*\*Waterski guy got lucky he didn’t pop his internal organs like a water balloon; \*\* That was my first thought. I didn’t know whether to laugh, or not. But, since he was standing there, apparently unharmed, I guess it’s okay to consider it funny. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772.md?page=4)