# I don't know how to put things in my ass. (a true story) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772 "2003-05-12T19:19:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kyoten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/13edae/32.png) [@kyoten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kyoten)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/61 "2003-05-15T15:29:33Z")
I commend you friend, you are one brave man, courageous even! This thread shall echo throughout the anus, i mean. . ages. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/62 "2003-05-15T22:57:09Z")
On a note of impending doom, my girlfriend hasnā€™t been able to poop since that fateful night. Every time I mention an enema she gets that look Kenny got picturing all the drill and saws and blades in shop class. ---
**Author:** ![Denis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5e9695/32.png) [@Denis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Denis)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/63 "2003-05-15T23:22:15Z")
**Scurvy** , thatā€™s awful! Perhaps her anus slammed shut in horrified outrage after seeing (with a browneye, of course) what yours went through. ---
**Author:** ![Archergal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Archergal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archergal)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/64 "2003-05-15T23:39:21Z")
\ > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mearlchan \* > \*\*Thereā€™s other ways to clean out your colon before a colonoscopy, including a certain medicine that comes in a tiny bottle. All you have to do is drink the bottle, and you start clearing out from both ends, your job is over. All you have to do is drink the tiny bottle. All you have to do is take the twooo tiny swigs and things start clearing out. All you have to do isā€¦ > \*\* Jeezopete, I want the bottle you get before my next colonoscopy! (Colon cancer in the family, so Iā€™m checked every couple of years.) I always end up having to drink a gallon of that horrible vile stuff that clears you out completely. The last time, it left me so weak I almost couldnā€™t walk to the car the next morning. \ BTW, **Anal Scurvy** , very funny. Gross, but funnyā€¦ šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Mearl\_Dox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/65 "2003-05-16T01:24:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Archergal \* > \*\*\ > > Jeezopete, I want the bottle you get before my next colonoscopy! (Colon cancer in the family, so Iā€™m checked every couple of years.) I always end up having to drink a gallon of that horrible vile stuff that clears you out completely. The last time, it left me so weak I almost couldnā€™t walk to the car the next morning. > > \ > \*\* Eh, Iā€™ve had the gallon version too. šŸ™‚ Trust me, you want that version instead. Although IANAD, I think the little one was some kind of super-concentrate version of the larger one. I had to use the gallon version the first time I had a colonoscopy (around age 10 or so) and the concentrate version once in my later teens. The concentrated version was by far the most traumatizing. _shudders_ And Iā€™d rather have the enemas than either of 'em. Itā€™s just easier in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Mearl\_Dox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/66 "2003-05-16T01:26:48Z")
You know, on reflection, please read that last sentence as ā€œItā€™s just easier in the end.ā€ šŸ˜ƒ Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![MrTuffPaws](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MrTuffPaws](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrTuffPaws)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/67 "2003-05-16T01:37:49Z")
Good lord. If I was not at work, I would be rolling around on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/68 "2003-05-16T02:33:48Z")
(I was avoiding this thread because I am a weenie and scared to click on things at work. Iā€™m glad I finally did.) This reminds me of a time in college where I decided to teach myself to barefoot with a deep water start. To overly simplify: 1. Lay in water face up with rope between extended but crossed legs. 2. Signal to driver you are ready and bow your head back and as deep as you can into the water 3. Boat takes off as fast as possible. The rope will hold your feet out of the water and your body will plane. 4. Sit up 5. Take feet off rope, dig heels in water. 6. Stand up. I never made it past 4. I tried for 2 hours, but everytime I took my feet off the rope, I would wipe out. Finally I gave up and went home. I suddenly felt the need to take a huge shit. I was wrong, it was actually time to get rid of the gallons of water in my ass as I had been dragging my ass across the lake picking up water like an ice cream scoop. I feel your pain \*\* Anal\*\*. ---
**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/69 "2003-05-16T05:08:16Z")
Good news on the anal penetration front. A condom on her fingers removed most of the discomfort. Sheā€™s horrified that Iā€™m now calling her fingers gnarled spikes. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772/70 "2003-05-16T12:08:58Z")
With the force that all that water is being expended into the bowl, its only logical to ask about possible ā€˜vertical liftā€™. Not that ā€˜hoveringā€™ a real transportation alternativeā€¦ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-how-to-put-things-in-my-ass-a-true-story/174772.md?page=3)