# I don't know what to call my MIL **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 29, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782 "2004-06-29T22:46:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/21 "2004-06-30T15:42:05Z")
My mother-in-law made it so easy for me. She started introducing me to family and friends as her daughter. Not daughter-in-law mind you, but her daughter. So it was pretty simple to start calling her mom šŸ™‚ I have to say one thing, she is a wonderful woman whom I love dearly. She did a pretty damn good job in raising her son. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/22 "2004-06-30T16:43:11Z")
I guess it depends on the relationship. It sounds like you started out kind of rocky, and those things are hard to get past. I called my late FIL Dad, to differentiate from my own father, who is Daddy. I donā€™t speak to my mother, so Mom or Mum was okay for my MIL. It is a little odd after four years to suddenly ask her what she would like to be called. At this point, I would say call her by her first name. Itā€™s most familiar to her, and it would probably sail right by her that thatā€™s how you are referring to her. Itā€™s the first time thatā€™s the hardest. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/23 "2004-06-30T17:11:18Z")
Between my wife and I and all the in-laws, we all just call each other by our first names and it works very well. All the relationships are very (extremely) loving and cordial, with the possible exception of my MIL and I, which is probably better described as guardedly respectful with possible modifications due to her neurosis du jour. She is a neurotic perfectionist, does everything by the book and canā€™t comprehend that what works for her might not work for every other member of a diverse demographic. Accordingly, while every other grandparent enjoys a cutsie, lovable nickname, sheā€™s just Grandma. The only time I didnā€™t call her by her first name, it was a mistake. On the phone her husband sometimes refers to her as ā€œThe Big Womanā€, an endearing term means that she calls the shots regarding the household, nothing more. I misremembered the term " The Big Woman" and during a conversation once kept referring to her as ā€œBig Mommaā€. Well, sheā€™s active in the church, has won Woman of the Year a couple of times, is on the bank board, the school board, President of the Theatre, etc, etc and apparently took offense at me referring to her saying ā€œis the Big Momma gonna do this?ā€ and ā€œis the Big Momma gonna do that?ā€ She got over it in due time thoughā€¦ about 7 years. ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/24 "2004-06-30T17:29:41Z")
> [@Lissa](#): > > Iā€™ve been married for five years. > > Thus far, I have avoided calling my mother-in-law _anything._ > > When I call the in-laws house, I talk to whichever one of them answers-- I never ask for either of them. Whenever weā€™re in the same house, I manage to always speak to them without using names, and I never call for them if theyā€™re in another room. > > Eventually, these little tricks will cease to work, and Iā€™ll have to address her by _something_ at one point or another. Itā€™s cowardice or indecisiveness, I know, and one of these days Iā€™ll be forced to a decision in an instant. > > Iā€™m just putting it off as long as possible. Six years isnā€™t bad. My brother-in-law as you beat ā€“ in 35 years, he has never directly addressed my mum and dad. Mum knows, and has no problem with it, as sheā€™s very understanding; and she and Tommy are actually very close. So no worries! šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/25 "2004-06-30T17:35:34Z")
I was with my first husband for 10 years, and never once addressed her by any name or title. It was the same deal; I wasnā€™t comfortable calling her Mom (or any derivative thereof), couldnā€™t bring myself to call her by her first name (or last name, for that matter) or anything else (including the Millie/Phil deal). When I had kids, I had something a reprieve, I could refer to her AS grandma (go bring that to Grandma, where did Grandma go?, that kind of thing) but couldnā€™t actually address her that way. I never did figure out what my stumbling block there was - she was a perfectly nice person. My current mother-in-law? I call her Ma. So go figure. ---
**Author:** ![LVgeogeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b19c9b/32.png) [@LVgeogeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LVgeogeek)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/26 "2004-06-30T17:38:49Z")
When Eric and I started going out (six years ago), I called his parents Mr. Lastname & Mrs. Lastname. That lasted less than six months. They insisted that I call them by thier first names. The Mr/Mrs thing ā€œmade them feel oldā€. So when we got married last year there was no question as what to call them. He addresses my parents by thier first names and I address them as mom & dad, of course. I address his grandmother as Grandmere Mary (as I was instructed by her) same as Eric. When Eric and I talk to each other regarding our parents, we just refer to them as ā€œThe Psā€. Even though I now have Ericā€™s last name, I feel weird being called Mrs. Lastname (That is his mom, I am Becki Lastname). When that happens I still look to see if Ericā€™s mom is around :o šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/27 "2004-06-30T18:03:50Z")
I had the same dilemma. Calling them Mom and Dad was out. Calling them by their first name wasnā€™t done. So I didnā€™t call them anything. Until we had kids. Now we call them Oma and Opa. (German for Grandma and Grandpa.) My mother refers to herself as The Big Bad Mother In Law to my husband. But he doesnā€™t call her anything either other than Trouble. When my kids marry I will make a point to tell their spouses that they can call me by my first name. Just to make things easier in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/28 "2004-06-30T18:25:31Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > I think the polite thing to do would be for the MIL and FIL to tell you what theyā€™d like to be called. \ I would finally have the chance to say I wanted to be called T-Bone!" \ ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/29 "2004-06-30T18:38:06Z")
Iā€™m so glad Iā€™m not the only one with this problem. My MIL and FIL want to be called by their first names, and the other 2 women who married their sons have no problem with it. But for some reason, itā€™s always made me uncomfortable. I remember my momā€™s negative reaction when one of her DILs called her ā€œmomā€. It mustā€™ve scared the other one, because she didnā€™t call her anything. But my mom was a bitch, it didnā€™t take much to set her off. My MIL is nice, but I still canā€™t do it. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782/30 "2004-06-30T18:44:05Z")
My first wifeā€™s parents introduced themselves as \ and \ and thatā€™s what I called them. My present wifeā€™s parents are both dead, so it isnā€™t an issue. She doesnā€™t know what to call my parents, either, so this must be a wide spread problem. My SIL calls them ā€œGrandmaā€ and ā€œBoboā€ (which is what the grandkids call them). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-what-to-call-my-mil/252782.md?page=1)